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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday accommodation & DD

242 replies

PotsAndDishes · 17/04/2023 13:03

Before I roll out my picnic blanket to sit on the proverbial hill I’m choosing to metaphorically die on, AIBU?

We’re going away on holiday with extended family in June. Accommodation is a large villa with additional connected apartments, but with separate entrances. There’s also a pool which is unfenced. Current proposal is that those with young kids (<3) take the apartments, thus ring fencing the kerfuffle at 6:30am when they all wake up, and letting those in the main house get a bit of a holiday lie in.

I have said, OK, makes sense but obviously either DH or I will effectively go to bed with DD (2) each night because I don’t want to leave her by herself in a different building (separate entrances) with potential hazards around (unfenced pool, one apt is up stone steps with a balcony, what if the air con catches fire).

According to the in-laws, I’m being TOTALLY unreasonable, PFB-esque, nothing will happen to her, just lock all of the doors so she can’t get out, it’s no different to her being asleep upstairs in the house, I’m creating a rod for my own back, just whack on a baby monitor, blah blah blah.

So, AIBU? Should I chill out, take the monitor, hope it stretches and enjoy my evenings in the main villa?
Or AINBU and leaving a 2 year old asleep locked in a different building isn’t really OK?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/04/2023 13:07

I suppose at least with the studio you know the door is locked to the pool. No guarantee in a big villa that everyone would be as conscious of keeping the doors locked to the pool area.

YouWithoutEnd · 18/04/2023 13:11

Have you in laws never heard of Madeline McCann?

WhiteBobbin · 18/04/2023 13:19

I’d suggest switching to the main house and fun uncle can stay and another couple and those most bothered by kid noise get the apartments.
I’d just repeat you’re uncomfortable until you get there and you will bring a monitor but most likely not leave her until you can assess. Then you can change you mind if you’re sitting out in the garden and feel you can see the door and not if not.

WhiteBobbin · 18/04/2023 13:20

Or take a travel bed and she sleeps on someone’s room until bedtime.
also suggest she has a sleepover on one of the first nights with an adult in the main house so you get a lie in and they realise what you’re up against!

LaylaLjungberg · 18/04/2023 13:22

As a single no kids I’d happily squirrel away in an apartment and let the families have the big house. You can then retreat and let the families get on with stuff.

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 18/04/2023 13:23

"Or take a travel bed and she sleeps on someone’s room until bedtime.
also suggest she has a sleepover on one of the first nights with an adult in the main house so you get a lie in and they realise what you’re up against!"

Wtf. Why is it their problem? The OP has a kid so her and her husband will have to look after it, I'm sure the in-laws will let their niece nap on their bed without the OP passive aggressively ramming a travel cot in their room.

Original poster
PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:30

niugboo · 18/04/2023 11:31

How would this be improved in the main villa?

I don’t have an issue being in the main villa to be honest. I’d just rather not be accused of spoiling my child and being overbearing because I’d prefer to keep her company in the studio vs leaving her alone.

I figure the main villa would essentially be like having a big house - if someone came into the house, you’d probably know about it, sound would travel more easily etc. The studio is akin to putting her to bed in our house and going to the one across the road for the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:32

NotQuiteHere · 18/04/2023 11:46

You seem already pretty wound up. Are you sure you want this holiday?

Nah, not really. It’s going to be a week of sharing space with people of differing opinions & parenting styles, 6am starts and watching DD like a hawk 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t make a beeline to the unfenced pool.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 18/04/2023 13:35

Firstly decide do you want your own space to chill.
If so, say no more about it.

Do you want to be with ILs 24/7, get DH to push to have a room in the villa.

legoohno · 18/04/2023 13:39

YANBU. We go abroad often and always have early nights with the children as there is absolutely no way I'd leave them alone. I know this isn't forever and they'll be older before I'd like!

HalebiHabibti · 18/04/2023 13:43

Maybe a message along the lines of "Thanks all for your thoughts, but we're going to go ahead with what works for us. If you disagree then that's fine, but please let's not argue about it. The holiday will be fun for all, I am sure :)"

Strawberrydelight78 · 18/04/2023 13:47

No I wouldn't but my children could have slept anywhere at that age. If they were tired at the entertainment of an evening they would nap in they're buggy. I wouldn't stop my evening at 7pm so they can go to bed.😂They're routine goes out the window on holiday.

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 13:50

PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:32

Nah, not really. It’s going to be a week of sharing space with people of differing opinions & parenting styles, 6am starts and watching DD like a hawk 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t make a beeline to the unfenced pool.

Show quote history

I'm afraid no one watches their child 24/7.

You'll undoubtedly glance away when someone talks to you, you've dropped something, nip to fetch something just in the other room , whatever. Something will make you look away.
You just cannot guarantee you can watch a child completely 24/70 to be sure they won't go near the death trap in the garden.

You wouldn't risk a house with a 200ft hole in the garden or one with a fast road running through the garden, but we have a false sense of security with pools because they're nice.

A pool should be fenced off to access to children accept for when they are being closely supervised by adults.

You seem amazingly blasé about an unfenced pool considering you are worrying about leaving them when sleeping (which I also wouldn't do.)

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 13:51

except

AlltheFs · 18/04/2023 13:52

MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 13:50

I'm afraid no one watches their child 24/7.

You'll undoubtedly glance away when someone talks to you, you've dropped something, nip to fetch something just in the other room , whatever. Something will make you look away.
You just cannot guarantee you can watch a child completely 24/70 to be sure they won't go near the death trap in the garden.

You wouldn't risk a house with a 200ft hole in the garden or one with a fast road running through the garden, but we have a false sense of security with pools because they're nice.

A pool should be fenced off to access to children accept for when they are being closely supervised by adults.

You seem amazingly blasé about an unfenced pool considering you are worrying about leaving them when sleeping (which I also wouldn't do.)

Show quote history

Yoy’ve made your point several times. Just drop it. If @PotsAndDishes wants to ask you about pool safety I’m sure she will. Back off.

Original poster
PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 13:56

Hadtocomment · 18/04/2023 12:37

I think you're being a bit unreasonable in bringing down the wrath of Mumsnet on poor Uncle Eric when it doesn't even sound like he's the one pressurising you and sounds like he's great with your DD which is surely worth its weight in gold.

I suspect your comment came across a bit passive aggressive on Whatsapp and made the others feel weird. It does a bit like "Ok well we'll just have to not join you then" sort of thing. Maybe whatsapp is not the best place for these sorts of discussions. Just say "look it's my decision and I honestly don't mind, let's drop it now" or something. But it sounds to me like you do mind, and were being a bit passive aggressive as the odd (irrelevant) remarks about Uncle Eric's loft apartment and blissfully child-free lifestyle makes clear. It's not fair to resent others for having different lifestyles or priorities.

But it is also unreasonable of them to say you have to do things a particular way or should put your child in another space when you aren't comfortable with this. They are (presumably) feeling guilty and this might be making them come across more controlling than necessary.

Why not just speak on the phone or something and either work out something you're happy with for your own small family unit and tell them (and tell them you're happy with that. Closed discussion) or suggest a different overall plan that takes into account everyone's different wants and needs as much as possible.

I've been the single person kind of left to entertain kids for hours on end in these kind of group situations and sometimes I've ended up feeling a bit resentful that the parents see it as a chance for some babysitting and don't even talk to me much or check if I need a break either, like I should just be there entertaining their children because I don't have any. I don't mind for a while and I'm quite good with children, but it's the assumption by the parents and the kind of, yes, slightly entitled attitude that gets to me. A bit of acknowledgement even would be nice sometimes. I'd say if you have a popular Uncle Eric type willing to put the hours in in the day with your DD and she adores him and he adores her, then that's really great for you and your husband and your DD and I wouldn't be resenting him his lie-ins or late-night socialising just because he isn't a parent the rest of the time. It's maybe because he's not a parent himself that he can give so much attention to DD also which is lovely for her now and hopefully in the future too. The fact he wants some adult time also on holiday isn't a crime.

Uncle Eric is absolutely not the put-upon babysitter, left to fend for himself for hours on end as I pour myself gin after gin and scroll endlessly through my phone. He has a nice thing going with DD of approx 15 mins spending time together during a day which works for them both, satisfying her need for some attention from him and leaves him with the rest of a 14 hour day for non-toddler time.

Uncle Eric is absolutely entitled to his holiday lie in’s, no question about it. He also would like one of the bigger, nicer rooms in the villa (which is why he’s taking on the accommodation planning - we know this, he’s not shy about it) which means that, to manage these two things, the little kids go into the studios. I don’t think he’s getting a bad deal to be honest - no expectation to play Mary Poppins, a daily lie in, a nice room with a sea view, the ability to get up & come downstairs or go to bed on his own timetable.

And to be fair to him, all he has done is put people in accommodation based on what he thinks works best for the majority-adult group. It’s FIL who has the most to say about the idea of not letting DD sleep alone in a different building.

OP posts:
MalagaNights · 18/04/2023 14:02

If I want your guidance on what to post @AlltheFs I'll ask. Otherwise back off.

I'm fine with stressing repeatedly this often tragically overlooked aspect of child safety.

This thread is about the safety of the child isn't it?

It seems the OP is really focusing on the wrong aspect of risk here, and dismissing the glaring awful potential risk.

Many countries will only allow rented villa's to have fenced and alarmed (both together) pools because of the risk of utter tragedy.

It's much more common than abduction which we irrationally over focus on.

Original poster
PotsAndDishes · 18/04/2023 14:05

But in any case, thanks for the useful suggestions. I’ll not engage with a tit-for-tat WhatsApp battle now, and once we’re there I have the option of popping DD down in the main house/transferring later and will take the monitor to show willing but still not leave her alone.

Uncle Eric will enjoy his relaxing hols while spending as much or as little time as he wants with DD. I’ll nod, smile & ignore FIL’s opinions on my parenting of DD and promise not to subject anyone to a sugar-laden DD at 10pm (that was just a joke).

OP posts:
fryanddry · 18/04/2023 14:06

No it’s not ok to leave her alone, didn’t anyone learn from Madeline McCann?
And you are right to worry about fires, hazards, her waking up and falling etc
it never happens until it happens to you

Codlingmoths · 18/04/2023 14:10

I’m with Malaga nights- I’m an Aussie and I’d look at this place,and say no dice we won’t stay anywhere with an unfenced pool.

PegasusReturns · 18/04/2023 14:11

@MalagaNights is exactly right on this

You wouldn't risk a house with a 200ft hole in the garden or one with a fast road running through the garden, but we have a false sense of security with pools because they're nice

Having had a pool for a number of years I’ve had a couple of near misses, even with a fence, even with older primary DC, even when we’ve been right there.

i cannot understand how you can be worried about a fire, which seems such a remote risk but are seemingly relaxed about the pool on the basis that you’re applying an absurd and unachievable level of control (watching 24/7)

BowiesJumper · 18/04/2023 14:14

Why is everyone ok with accommodation for a holiday with loads of toddlers with an unfenced pool?? Immediate no from me!

Thinkingpod · 18/04/2023 14:14

Sounds to me that they just want thr big villa and not worry about leaving it (which makes me think what the point in a holiday is if you just stay put)

Personally I'd put anyone with small people in the villa together and older ones in the soerste apartments for a bit of peace and adult only space

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 18/04/2023 14:23

If your in-laws have this sort of attitude towards you, why bother at all? Constantly amazes me why people put up with this shit.

Strawberrydelight78 · 18/04/2023 14:24

I've got autistic kids we've been on holidays abroad spent days by the pool and at water parks. We've also spent evenings next to hotel pools watching the entertainment. Not once has either of them got into a pool unsupervised. Because I have them in my sight at all times. I go to get a drink they come with me. I go to the loo they come with me. Supervision is key knowing where your child is and who is supervising them at all times. They are young adults now and still need supervising as much as a toddler.