to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

I think there will be a lot of different factors to consider in this situation. I am lucky in that we all get along great etc and I have a lovely relationship with my step kids. After breaking the news of the pregnancy they went out and bought me a gift with their own savings and also thanked me. Apparently they had wanted a baby sibling for so long and were thrilled to have blood bond between us.
I let them be as involved as they want and take their suggestions on board etc. They have so much fun together and baby squeals with excitement when they come round. I think it seems nice for them to have another being who adores them no matter what. It’s just as important to me for baby to have good relationship with their siblings.
it helps that their mother has been so accepting of us & baby etc and even babysits if needed.
people do often ask us if it’s weird we all get along so well so I get the impression it is not expected. I do understand this is not so typical though & it is different for everyone. This is just our personal situation.
Most blended families I know have some degree of conflict unfortunately.

Same :)

@AllInOnePiece Yeah I get that. It's easier than having no children, but only in the same way that not having a second child is easier than not having a child at all. But with the added factor that the child you do have is being raised elsewhere by somebody else.

I wouldn’t be surprised OP, that’s sad to read / hear though.

My own blended situation is fine but I definitely would agree there is some unhappiness around it from all parties.

Being “fine” does not equal “happy”. Although I guess it does not necessarily equal unhappy either.

Blended families are hard work and I would really doubt that many people can say that all the family members are happy at all times, but that doesn’t mean it’s disastrous.

Also, children are by their very nature emotionally underdeveloped - blended families become a lot easier to manage and be happy as you get older surely? When you can view relationships with the value of hindsight and life experience? (For instance my relationship with my step mum was very fraught at the start - 20 years later there’s no beef and I don’t ever even think about the “blended” aspect)

Well, that could be applied to the single mothers on here really - not just those in blended families.

Most women, presumably, end up as single parents because the man that fathered they children was a loser...🙄

Far better to enable them to stay in their own home, with their own things, and let the adults do the shifting.

That is a fabulous concept. I am surprised it has never caught on.

But if the original parent didn't want to live separately from their partner and wants to have more children, then they would go and find someone else wouldn't they?

This is exactly what I mean - the expectation that the stepparent should somehow 'police' or modify the behaviour of the original parent, when it's actually the responsibility of the original parent not to make shitty decisions.

Since 86% of single parents are women, what you're really is saying women should live separately to their partner.

The sexism, even inadvertent, is unfair when men are allowed to just live without any judgement because they don't have kids in the house.

If you mean resident parents, it's actually over 90%. And no, it is not sexism. 🙄 I don't think either parent should move in with another adult while the children are under 18 if they are still having contact with that parent. In fact in some ways it's even more damaging if the parent they see less of (usually the father) moves a new partner into their home and has more children because the existing children then feel even more pushed out of the relationship with that parent because the new children get to see them all the time. With the mother, there is obviously a greater risk of violence or sexual abuse from a new male partner, although many step mothers are also abusive but often in a more emotional rather than physical way, on average.

Either way, while there of course will be exceptions, it's mostly terrible for the children and an extremely selfish thing to do. People can start new relationships without cohabiting and having more children.

Another Cinderella here, mother dumped me under the clock on Paddington Station when I was 6. Father picked me up later, probably only 5 minutes. He remarried when I was 11 to the woman from hell! She was coercive and controlling towards my lovely father who was weak. I was treated like a scullery maid and was dressed in her mother’s cast off clothes. My life started when I was 18 when I left home to start nursing, what joy! Fantastic marriage followed by 3 children then we adopted 6 children 😲 can’t bear to see children rejected.
Phew this has been cathartic!

Yes of course. I won't down play the hurt at being unable to have the number of children you'd like or the experience of parenting you'd like. But of course once you do already have children ensuring they are considered when making that decision is more important than your feelings.

It could be for a number of reasons, can't financially afford it without reducing existing child's quality of life, don't have the space and so on.. one of which to also consider is the fact the two partners already have X many children between them who are already splitting their time between 2 homes and whether a new child would negatively impact them even more so. I do think it's different if the step parent is childless to begin with compared to if they already have their own children. You've the added complications of step siblings AND half siblings etc.. just seems a bit chaotic. But again I accept I'm probably being unfairly judgemental.

😂😂 brilliant!

But if the original parent didn't want to live separately from their partner and wants to have more children, then they would go and find someone else wouldn't they?

This is exactly what I mean - the expectation that the stepparent should somehow 'police' or modify the behaviour of the original parent, when it's actually the responsibility of the original parent not to make shitty decisions.

So what if they do? Doesn't mean you have to choose to be complicit in a situation that you know is likely to be damaging to children who've already been through trauma. And odd to find someone attractive who has so little regard for others, even their own children. Nobody is saying "step parents should police" anything. 🙄 However, shirking responsibility for your decision to be part of creating that situation to the likely detriment of the children is silly.

This is exactly what I mean - the expectation that the stepparent should somehow 'police' or modify the behaviour of the original parent, when it's actually the responsibility of the original parent not to make shitty decisions

Yes I definitely think there is a lot of this that goes on. Step parents being treated as the Scape goat for shit parenting.

This wide eyed, hand wringing 'how did you end up having children with such a loser' is such a weird, victim blaming, odd take to me. My ex H didn't become physically abusive until I was pregnant with our DD, the third child. He was and still is a decent Dad but as soon as he heard that one of the twins I was carrying no longer had a heartbeat he HATED me and basically life was hell for years after that.

I realise now that he was emotionally abusive before that but didn't know I was being emotionally abused as my DF was controlling and I was struggling with childhood trauma. I didn't have the capacity to make the right decisions back in my twenties and 'red flags' and misogyny weren't a thing to me back then. I didn't know about that stuff. Being incredulous that people don't always have the same capacity as you to 'choose wisely' smacks of unhelpful black and white thinking to me.

Wow that is amazing!!! 😊

In my experience, if all the adults involved, including extended family, genuinely put the children first, then it can work brilliantly. Also in my experience, both IRL and on here, this very rarely happens.

I have read your other posts and I'm sorry you have had such a bad experience.

I actually know my SC are happy that when their parents split up they met new partners. Especially my SD who would have hated her Dad to live alone when her Mum had her a new partner. Now they are adults they like that someone is there with their Dad.

We had a child together and they all have a really relationship.

I do things with my SC when their Dad is busy sometimes like shopping, meals out, walking the dogs. I also babysit their children sometimes.

It can work.

So what if they do? Doesn't mean you have to choose to be complicit in a situation that you know is likely to be damaging to children who've already been through trauma. And odd to find someone attractive who has so little regard for others, even their own children. Nobody is saying "step parents should police" anything. 🙄 However, shirking responsibility for your decision to be part of creating that situation to the likely detriment of the children is silly.

If they're seeking out a childless partner - they're unlikely to have put as much in depth thought into it and may have very little experience of whether it's good for the kids or not. A childless person with no experience of kids is just going to trust that if the parent thinks it's fine for the kids, it probably is. Hence why it's more logical to expect the parents to have thought it through.

Of course it's sexism. How many of the fathers of children of those 90% single women do you think have meaningful contact with their children?

The idea that women should put their lives on hold may have benefits but it's also inherently sexist because in practise (not in your la la la idealism) it's not expected of men.

My children were very worried about their dad when he was "single" (he was shagging around but they didn't know)
They are much happier now he has a long term partner. And call her kids step sisters.

I don't think this idealistic view of being single until your children are adults is great for them either. Not sure it's healthy for children to think they should be prioritised ahead of anything and anyone else in life.

You raise a very valid point. However I think most family situations aren't perfect. I grew up as an only child in a home where my parents loved each other but had a very unhealthy relationship. It was volatile and not a very happy place to be in the middle of. My mum finally left my dad when I was 16. I never had to shut doors with my parents new partners, but even as an adult my relationship with my dads partner is strained, but thats her personality and mine, but we rub along ok. My own marriage broke down and I lived alone with my 2 children for 5 years. I did however meet someone new and remarry eventually, we haven;t had children togetehr, for me that would be too messy and my 2 children were enough. I didn't remarry becasue I was deperate and needed a man, but because I fell in love and found someone I wanted to build a life with. Kids were happy and onboard, however the teenage years have been tough....at times my marriage has been hanging by a thread and all of us, kids hubby and me have felt unhappy at different points, however there is lots of love in our home too. However I do think teenage years particuarly are difficult in any family, let alone a step family. I also have a stepson, who is older. I was honest with myself from day one that I didn't have it in me to be a stepmum to young children, I don't l think that makes me a bad person, just an honest one.
I also think step parents should not be called step parents. They are your mum or dads wife/husband/partner. I don't believe they should have a parental role.

I think the most damage is around kids and parents relationship with exes. I get on fine with my ex husband, kids are free to come and go between the 2 homes as they wish. I detest the whole every other weekend thing, its not fair on kids or adults. However ask any kids what they would want and they would say they would want their parents to be back together, but life isn't a fairy tail....we just all try to do our best with the situation we are in. Families in all froms are complicated.

A break up/separation/divorce is usually a time of transition and often difficult.

All families go through times of unhappiness and relative happiness.

'All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'

I think it depends on a few things OP, such as the ages of the children, whether the step parent who moves in has children of their own, whether the couple go on to have children together etc.

This is what I understand from what I have observed, too.

I think it depends on a few things OP, such as the ages of the children, whether the step parent who moves in has children of their own, whether the couple go on to have children together etc.

Are any of those points going to be positive for the DC though or the adults for that matter? It always throws out more probems than it solves.

I can understand relationship breakdown, that is inevitable sometimes and but throwing DC from chaos into chaos will never work.