to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

Are any of those points going to be positive for the DC though or the adults for that matter? It always throws out more probems than it solves

You think moving in with a partner and having a child wouldn't have positives for the adult?

People really do think children from second relationships are a blight on society, don't they.

Wouldn't even bring positives for their own parent.

You think moving in with a partner and having a child wouldn't have positives for the adult?

I think if you already have DC from other relationships living there you will cause unhappiness for others without a doubt.

Can't decipher what this means. In response to the PP mentioning having more children with a new partner, you questioned whether that would bring positives to the child "or the adults for that matter".

So, are you saying said child would not bring positives to their parents' life?

You might have missed where I said my mother was happy when GM moved in with someone with children so mum had a stepfather and step sibling. She also had time with a singe parent but was still happier with step family, her mother was happier, she liked her step sibling and step father, financially things were easier. Sometimes the blending families is the happy solution.

I got divorced with two children. Remarried and kids seemed happy with time with dad and time with us. We wanted to have a baby together but felt it was best to wait, when we had been married for about 3 years one of my kids asked if we wanted children, when I said yes they said, "Well don't you think you'd better get a move on or you might be too old." So a year later my kids had a new sibling, they were thrilled and so was DH (it was his first child) and I was happy. Not sure who we were supposed to have made unhappy.

A stepmother entered the life of my best friend about two years after her very loved mum died . She lost her home and her past in one fell swoop .She is 55 years old and has never gotten over it. It has coloured every aspect of her life since.So very sad .

Whilst realising that MN isn't life, I think the significant number of inheritance discussions about step-families are also a consideration here.

The kick in the teeth for so many people who grew up feeling that they were considered important to a blended family (parents, grandparents etc.), then discover through the medium of wills that the relationships were considered inferior must be horrendous.

*Can't decipher what this means. In response to the PP mentioning having more children with a new partner, you questioned whether that would bring positives to the child "or the adults for that matter".

So, are you saying said child would not bring positives to their parents' life?*

Of course DC are always postive! I am just saying why make things harder for existing DC. I mean they will have suffered grief from when their parents parted(may be for good reason) and now you move them/or move in with someone else and start a new family...surely you can see this will make things worse/complicated for the DC. It is confusing for everyone.

What is so wrong with keeping things simple and separate. Have relationships but keep them away from DC - Nesting also seems like the best option.

That is very sad.

However, I know someone who's SD's Mum died and she has stepped up and bought her up with her Dad and her own two children. She very much treats her like her own. She even promised the Mum before she died that she would do her best for the girl (not replace her).

My now DH moved in with us 18months ago. His DS(16) lives with us as his mum died when he was 5. My DD(14) lives with us & sometimes stays with her DF (although this is getting rarer the older she gets & she says she gets bored at his house.)

So far we are all happy. And we do talk to the kids about it.

The only conflict is chores, whenever my DD is asked to do something she needs to know what DSS has done, as it has to be fair. I have 3 grown up children & that happened with them too.

I was diagnosed with cancer last year with a prognosis of 2 years (I've responded well to treatment so I should be here longer now.) If I die before DD leaves home she has said she doesn't want to live with her DF, she wants to stay here with her SD & SB, so I think she must be pretty happy.

Of course it's sexism. How many of the fathers of children of those 90% single women do you think have meaningful contact with their children?

I think most do have contact. I am a lone parent so my children do not, but that's not the norm.

The idea that women should put their lives on hold may have benefits but it's also inherently sexist because in practise (not in your la la la idealism) it's not expected of men.

I can't change what's expected of men. What I can do is protect my children and put them first, so I do.

I hope you carry on responding well to treatment and yes your daughter is obviously very happy with your DH and his DS.

But this is completely different from what you said, which is what I was addressing.

I focused on the part where you said second children bring nothing but negatives for not only the children but the adults involved for a reason - because this happens all the time on here and the language is very telling. So often people make it clear that the second children are an afterthought for them and they are only concerned about the step children, seemingly forgetting that these are people's actual children that do exist that they are talking about. People will in the same breath seemingly completely forget that these children's existence is in any way a positive thing that matters in any way other than their perceived impact on their half sibling, and then be mortally offended if anybody dares speak about their SC in any other way but that they are the apple of everybody's eye.

It's a massive double standard on here. Absolutely zero negative or even ambivalent sentiment about SC is tolerated, yet people are allowed to discuss MY children, and children like them, in completely negative terms.

The idea that women should put their lives on hold may have benefits but it's also inherently sexist because in practise (not in your la la la idealism) it's not expected of men.

I'm not sure that it is in the best interest of children for women to achieve parity with men in this regard, do you? @

@aSofaNearYou Sorry I probably didn't think my post through carefully enough and I certainly don't mean to offend anyone.

What I was trying to say is that DC born into blended families will also feel some conflict having to share parents/ resources and parents will too, having to make things 'fair' or carrying feelings of guilt if they are not.

Also just to clarify. This is an ideal. I would probably break and remarry after a divorce - I like to think I wouldn't though.

I can't change what's expected of men. What I can do is protect my children and put them first, so I do.

Well said.

It's the children that matter here, not 'what's expected of men'.

I know that and the fact people should never have partners again if their first relationship failed or if they already have children . Are people for real ? Since most kids life with their mums then it would mean most women had no right to ever find a new partner or have more children .

Fair enough, and to be clear I don't mean to single you out specifically, it was just an example of a double standard that really irks me on here.

If I clumsily said something that implied I didn't think the SC brought anything positive into anybody's life, I would be absolutely torn to shreds. In fact, people are torn to shreds for far less. Yet it's seen as fine in reverse.

@NeatCompactSleeper
Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

In my experience yes every blended family has problems,the adults might be happy with new partners but kids are having it hard. On FB of course they advertise picture perfect co parenting when in reality its drama and the kids need councelling.

This is just not true.

I do actually think that if you already have children then you need to put the needs of the existing children before your own desire to have another child.

Often having a new sibling can be disruptive, and will inevitably split resources further. If that new sibling is going to be significantly younger than their half siblings that also needs to be considered as a factor.

What may seem a relatively straight forward situation now, may not be in 5, 10, 20 years time.

What children of divorce/blended families need is MORE attention, not less.

I often read that people with existing children decide to have another one with their new partner in order to 'have one of our own'. I'm always a bit - children aren't a commodity or a sticking plaster. Do you really want to bring more children into an already complicated situation?

Not true at all . All the children and young adults in my case are happy . There is no drama or counselling . There were issues when my partner and ex wife divorced with the kids but that was due to her hiding an affair for a long time and suddenly dragging he kids away to live with someone else . But that was long before I came along ( 8 years ago ) and his kids are now happy . They are 16 and 21 so old enough to actually discuss things now and they were both really happy when me and his dad got together as they really wanted their dad to find love again .

That's lovely and it must be so lovely that you have that reassurance.

I mentioned earlier that there was a poster the other day who said that in the instance that both their biological parents died, she wouldn't allow her step children to carry on living with her.

So a similar scenario but very different outcome for the child. I can't imagine being a child and having to live with someone who would be willing to boot me out the minute my biological dad died. That is what the poster's step children are dealing with. It's utterly callous.

I wish you all the very best in your recovery.