to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

Yes l found a new baby united everyone. Ours were obsessed with their little sister. She can’t ridiculous amounts of attention.

It’s horrible isn’t it. I was definitely the Cinderella in that family.
University and education was the way I could escape this household.
Now my Father wonders why I have cut him off.

Blended families are never for the benefit of the children. They more often than not collateral damage for the parents who prioritise their happiness above all else.

I say this as a member of a blended family. And I was one of the lucky ones, my step mum treats us all the same and that didnt change when my half sister come along. I still think its not a good idea.

I think the real issue here is knowing people like OP that are in positions of control love to judge what a good happy family is .
She considers single parents broken families and blended families problematic . I do wonder how the OP keeps herself unbiased in a school setting when dealing with families . It’s pretty obviously she is extremely judgmental

I think step parents would always prioritise their biological children. I know I would. You can’t help it.

anyone that says otherwise is not being honest.

and that is the issue here.

when I got a new little sister when my parents remarried… I got chucked out of my bedroom. So their new kid could have it.

All in seeing highlighted on this thread is that it isn’t the blending of the families that’s the issue - it’s the poor attitudes of the adults blending them.

In our house, we are a FAMILY UNIT (not a blended family). We have 4 DC aged 16-19 so very close in age. All of them live with us full time because the SDS mother is frankly a waste of oxygen and DDs dad only sees her for a couple of hours a week.

There have been challenges over the 15 years of course, but we have discussed them together as a couple. Worked out how to parent them all equally, even if we have differing views on how to do that. I’ve bitten my tongue and killed them with kindness at times and DH has done the same with mine.

The end result is that we have a wonderful, supportive family. The kids will talk to either of us openly if they have problems and we both help them. When DD split with her boyfriend and was devastated (and DH and I were abroad) her step brothers were there for her immediately, distracting her with a movie night and Mario kart marathon (I thanked them for being so supportive and SDS said “what do you expect, she’s my sister after all”)

My other SDS said to us the other week that “I know it’s not always been the easiest but I feel really lucky to have you all”. It was the DC who wanted us to get married so we’d have a “proper” family unit.

My eldest SDS is currently in hospital after being blue lighted the other day - his mother hasn’t bothered to visit him once. I’ve been there daily, swapping with DH, and counselling my other SDS through the trauma of what he witnessed happen to SDS. Both would be in a far less supported position if DH had stayed single.

So I can 100% guarantee that our DC are far better off and happier in our current unit than if either of us had stayed a single parent. I don’t honestly know if I love them “as much” as my own biological DD, but I do know I love them, care for them deeply and am fiercely protective of them all.

I don't disagree but I think there is a balance. Would I save my child's life over that of my DSC? Yes without a minutes hesitation. Would I chuck my DSC out of their room for my child? No. Id sooner give up my own room so my child could have that.

Yes I will always prioritise my own child when the chips are down, but not necessarily always on the day to day stuff. I am able to be fairer with the things that are "smaller" if that makes sense at all?

THIS.

Loads of people on here that aren't even in blended families and live with their children full time are often upset by not having more than one child. And you really can't see why a parent that only gets to see their child EOW - and during that time that child is almost entirely shaped by somebody else who you don't like and whose teachings you don't agree with - wouldn't feel like an entirely satisfying experience as a parent and compel you to want a child you could actually live with and raise?

They don't care enough, or in the right way. What are the odds that if they love a new partner, their children will too? Or that their respective children will get on?
It's convenient to believe that these things will happen, that's all.

All of them live with us full time because the SDS mother is frankly a waste of oxygen and DDs dad only sees her for a couple of hours a week.

How did you both manage to have children with such losers?

And you really can't see why a parent that only gets to see their child EOW - and during that time that child is almost entirely shaped by somebody else who you don't like and whose teachings you don't agree with - wouldn't feel like an entirely satisfying experience as a parent and compel you to want a child you could actually live with and raise?

And you don't see how it could negatively impact the existing child who is now not "shaped" in their perfect image and considered inferior for that and negatively compared to their half sibling? Written off as an occasional visitor and not part of the "core" family, when they have been through trauma already and feel insecure and then will be pushed out and have even less 1:1 time with that parent.

This is exactly what people mean by selfish adults putting their wants over their children's needs.

I was a step child and my stepdad always treated me as an inconvenience,would pick faults all the time etc.My elder sister he never seemed to have any issues with.He and my mom had a child together and they split when I was 11 and their child was 2 and he never bothered with the 2 year old,she's 35 now and never known what it is to have a father.
I have a dd10 and am single and it will stay that way until she's a young adult,I have no desire for a man,we love our little bubble just the two of us and I can't imagine bringing someone else into our lives/home.She has a dad who she sees and loves to bits so she doesn't need another man in her life. I couldn't bear the thought of her feeling the way I used to feel as a stepchild,I know loads of step parents are great but there's also loads who aren't.

There are obviously a wealth of situations in this - step parent with no children of their own, both with children, then with added complication of shared children in new partnerships.

I imagine a lot of step parents must think that they love step children as their own, until they do have their own child and the difference becomes very clear.

No, I don't know of any situations personally where I think a blended family has been to the benefit of the children, whether that be through tensions in the house, or a 'parent' who has been part of a child's life for many years, often from a very young age, but then is not able to have any further involvement after a split, as they have no legal rights.

I think as well as wanting to live with a new partner, there are obviously huge financial incentives to co-habitation these days too, when everyone is feeling the pinch of rising costs.

I know it's unpopular and can see the issues, but I do feel that the best thing for the children would actually be the 'nesting' concept. Small children can be more portable, but most secondary age children of my experience absolutely hate being shunted between houses as parents claim their right to access. Far better to enable them to stay in their own home, with their own things, and let the adults do the shifting.

I find step parents are often blamed for the consequences of the poor choices of the original parents.

I do think that the unhappiness begins with the breakdown of the 'first family'. After that it's really about making the best of the situation. As long as the step parent isn't abusive then there's nothing they or the child can really do to mitigate a situation of the original parents' making.

And yes, I absolutely understand that sometimes it's necessary - even life-saving - to leave a relationship.

Life happens, I guess? Sometimes shit things happen to us that aren't our fault and we just have to bear it. Maybe we'd all be able to cope a bit better and be more resilient if we didn't have this expectation that we should all be blissfully happy all the time?

If you look at anecdotes on threads like this, it's a pretty even mix. There are always lots of comments from mainly parents saying their kids hate it, and loads of positive comments from former SC saying their half siblings are just siblings, they're offended by the very notion of calling them half etc etc etc.

My DSS loves his half siblings, he has a much better time here for having another child to interact with in his life.

I doubt it's as skewed towards the negative as you think, there will be good and bad just like there is with full siblings.

My three DC (two boys and a girl) seem much better off watching their soon to be stepfather treat me like a human being. They have had the chance to observe a man who actually likes and respects women and develop a gauge of healthy relationships for the last 5 years. Watching their father break my bones, control me to the nth degree and treat family money as only his to spend made them sad and upset.

We lived alone before I met DP for 5 years and I was skint and stressed and overwhelmed (I enjoyed that 'team' feeling we had don't get me wrong but it was HARD). I studied post grad and got the heralded 'good job' but it still didn't give us the standard of living we have now. Those days were like walking through treacle.

I didn't have any other children because I felt that my DC had had enough to deal with and DP didn't want his own DC. Thinking that other people judge and think that my parenting capacity is compromised is upsetting but I do think it is necessary as a parent to think fiercely about introducing a new adult. I often sit and reflect whether I did it for my own selfish reasons. But then I think that they have had so much more resource made available to them in a two income family. It's not black and white to me as I haven't witnessed any ill effects on my children SO FAR but I am not naive enough to think that there hasn't been any negative impact. Living with anyone is hard - lots of competing personalities and needs.

I suspect because people can put on a front for extended periods.

Ted Bundy's wife didn't know he was a serial killer.

As long as the step parent isn't abusive then there's nothing they or the child can really do to mitigate a situation of the original parents' making.

Well, they could live separately to their new partner so the children's home life isn't disrupted. And not have more children with their parent.

Oh I can totally understand that yes. I just think it's less, I don't know what the word is, necessary doesn't seem to fit right but hopefully you know what I mean, than if you were completely childless.

For example, I'd have liked to have more children, but I chose a man who already has them. I wouldn't have given up having children at all but I have accepted that despite me wishing to have more, I likely won't if I wish to continue being with DH as he already has children to consider. Its not easy to accept but it's easier to accept than never having had them at all.

I wasn't addressing whether it's good for them. I was addressing the several people saying they cannot comprehend why a parent would WANT another child after separation. To me, it's very obvious why they would want it.

@aSofaNearYou ah I see. Well, yes. What is less understandable is how people are comfortable with putting their wants above their children's wellbeing and needs.

I know 6 adults that were the step children in "blended" families. Obviously shit happens and adult relationships fail and adults move on.

3 of them are in the same friendship group and we have discussed this before (under the influence of alcohol!). For most of them their parents co-parented fairly amicably. The common theme for them was a feeling they were the outsiders that had to be a secondary consideration rather than actually an integrated part of their parents second families. They say their was a permanent sense of not "belonging" or being an inconvenience, or being aware their parents were having to try to make them feel included rather than it being real and their relationship with their parents suffered as a result and now as adults they are not close as they would like to be.

The parents that they are close to are the ones where the parents didn't go on to have second families, so while they they were still children they felt it was a more normal child/parent relationship.

I come from an "unbroken", but large family (5 kids) which had it own problems associated with it, but listening to them all talk about the same subtle things that built for them a picture of not belonging and how it made them feel on a daily basis throughout their childhood and impacted their relationships with their parents that I never even considered was eye opening for me.

Since 86% of single parents are women, what you're really is saying women should live separately to their partner.

The sexism, even inadvertent, is unfair when men are allowed to just live without any judgement because they don't have kids in the house.

I do think sometimes people (incorrectly imo) think it's not a proper relationship until they've had a child together. I genuinely don't think you need to have a child with every new partner, especially so if you already have them.