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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think most blended family situations are unhappy

586 replies

Nimbostratus100 · 17/04/2023 08:30

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2023 09:56

Quite. I also fail to understand this desire to have a new child with the new partner, with 2 sets of existing children coming and going, and already a part of their lives. It's always down to "we just wished to create one just of our own - just (this) DP and mine".

I answered this and got no reply, because people never actually seem to want the answer to why people feel the "need" for another child, they just want to keep repeating that they don't get why.

It's obvious why a NRP would feel unsatisfied by that being their only experience of parenting.

Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 17/04/2023 09:56

LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 08:52

@jenandberrys I disagree completely. My children have benefited from having a step dad as they unfortunately don't have a great relationship with their biological dad. Step dad has taught them how a man should treat a woman and he is always there to protect them.

but do you think your situation is unusual? Or do you think most of these circumstances work out?

OP posts:
Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 17/04/2023 09:56

It’s a tough one. Probably I agree with you. However, like others have said it may be more the initial loss or lack of normal biological family unit that makes it not as happy. There’s usually not a lot people can do about that. We’re a blended family and it’s not always easy. There’s a lot of tricky things to navigate. I do put my daughter first above everything and have asked myself ‘would she be happier if I’d a) stayed with her original father? b) I had stayed single? The answer to both questions is definitely not. She has a better quality of life by having a step dad who cares for her a lot and offers her more love and time than her bio dad would have and also she has a step and a half sibling who she has lovely relationships with.

ReUseRepeat · 17/04/2023 09:56

It's obviously not something that can be generalised across the board and I have seen some wonderful and loving step parents but I've seen more who don't give a damn.

If DH and I were ever to separate (I hope that never happens) I would never move anyone else in to our family home and I certainly wouldn't ever have DC with anyone else because I know it would be damaging to DD who would feel sidelined.

People make the best of their situations and any one of us can find ourselves in a "broken family" so I don't think judging anyone is fair at all either.

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 09:57

My anecdotal experience also isn't that it's women who can't stand on their own two feet. Again in my experience, women/ mums tend to prioritse their children's wellbeing when considering new relationships and men who tend to focus on the romantic relationship and often let the new woman take over the family (including determining how the SC are treated). I suspect the reason you see more step fathers hurting kids than step mums is just that children tend to live with their mums most of their time.

blondiiiee · 17/04/2023 09:58

I know of one blended family that are generally very happy.

The rest are all a shit show.
I personally could never move another man into my home with young daughters. I could never trust them fully and I know biological fathers can also be abusers but to bring essentially a stranger into my home, I would never forgive myself if he turned out to be a abuser.

I think most women are Far too trusting with strangers in regards to their children.

Bluebells1970 · 17/04/2023 09:59

I would love to know the percentage of children who say that their parent going on to have more children with a new partner enhanced their lives.

Very few, I'd imagine.

AllInOnePiece · 17/04/2023 09:59

I can see why a childless step parent would want their own DC in a new relationship. Not so much so when both of the partners have children already from previous relationships and feel they must have one together. But I accept that is probably unfairly judgemental of me and people will have their own reasonings.

SpringPop · 17/04/2023 10:00

My husband is from a broken family too. It’s a nightmare. All 4 of our parents can’t be in the same room as each other.

I was saying yesterday that if we died, we’d have to hold multiple funerals.

My dad didn’t come to my wedding.

there was a fucking horrible argument about top table seating on my husbands side. Lots of comments about who had the right to sit there.

one parent didn’t come to my graduation. Same with my husband.

it’s a nightmare and In my opinion only gets worse as you get older.

my step parent recently told us that she was having her “real” grandchildren as apparently our kids don’t count as real.

appreciate most situations aren’t this bad. Mine is and my husbands is though. And most I know have a level of awkwardness at these events.

VWHoliday · 17/04/2023 10:00

My DSD told me that she is glad her parents split up because they are both are much happier with their new partners (not so new now). She said her and her sibling had two lovely families.

sealon82 · 17/04/2023 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ridiculous!

milafawny · 17/04/2023 10:01

I grew up in a blended family where my mum moved us in with a new partner when i was 11, so just as i started highschool. My experiences were awful and have affected my entire adult life.

I split with my husband when my eldest was 12 and my youngest 7. Now, they are 20 and 15 (plus a 17 year old(, and i still havent entered a new relationship and part of that is down to the fact i dont want children to have their teenage year impacted by my choices as mine was by my mums. My children have my full attention and they are all i need for the time being.

sugarapplelane · 17/04/2023 10:01

My Mum died when I was young and my Dad remarried pretty quickly. Life in a blended family sucked for me. I was treated as a second class citizen by my Step Mother and my Father never had my back. I wasn’t a bad child either and was very compliant. I had to be.
I have vowed never to put my child through this due to my negative experience.
My childhood still haunts me…

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 10:02

OhmygodDont · 17/04/2023 08:34

All the step parents will be along to tell you it’s great and if there are issues it’s the ex.

The step children will be along to tell you at best it was mediocre but majority that it sucked for them.

And nothing to say about bio parents?

Your prejudice is showing.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 17/04/2023 10:02

I think you're right - the Royal Family appear to be a prime example!

Katherine1985 · 17/04/2023 10:04

I think there are definitely successfully blended families, like LegallyFit and others describe. Also, definitely factors that reduce the likelihood of success. Even things like waiting to introduce/move in a new partner make a difference.

Of the very many blended family situations I’ve known in my life I’d agree with OP that the ones that worked out well are in the minority

AllInOnePiece · 17/04/2023 10:04

Bluebells1970 · 17/04/2023 09:59

I would love to know the percentage of children who say that their parent going on to have more children with a new partner enhanced their lives.

Very few, I'd imagine.

I touched on this in my comment, I don't think it needs to be either or. I do genuinely believe my stepchildren love their half sibling, they are affectionate and caring toward them, call to speak to them (large age gap), ask for pics of them opening their gifts on Christmas morning when they are at their mum's, One of them has a pic of them and our child as their WhatsApp picture for example, the way they will leave their games in the middle of talking to friends so say goodnight to them ect.. (even we don't get that privilege these days ha!) . The way they interact with my child shows me, unless they are tremendous actors, that they do genuinely love their sibling.

BUT I don't think that necessarily has to mean that there aren't also some negative feelings too. I know that my stepchildren were worried when we had our child that they would be treated differently and they had concerns over what it would mean for their relationship with their dad, I hope that they feel reassured now that things haven't changed. But I don't think that has to mean that they also don't enjoy having their half sibling in their life at the same time, the way they interact on a daily basis suggests otherwise.

GreenHorses · 17/04/2023 10:05

I agree with you.

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 10:05

sugarapplelane · 17/04/2023 10:01

My Mum died when I was young and my Dad remarried pretty quickly. Life in a blended family sucked for me. I was treated as a second class citizen by my Step Mother and my Father never had my back. I wasn’t a bad child either and was very compliant. I had to be.
I have vowed never to put my child through this due to my negative experience.
My childhood still haunts me…

" I was treated as a second class citizen by my Step Mother and my Father never had my back."

This is the type of dynamic I was referring to. Sadly I think this is common. It's something I am seeing in a family I know - the dad lost his wife when his child was young, he moved in step mum about 18 months later and she treats the child really quite badly and the dad who, when single, couldn't do enough to make his daughter happy now sits back and lets the step mum do her thing and never intervenes (from what I have seen). It's really sad for the daughter.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 17/04/2023 10:05

aSofaNearYou · 17/04/2023 09:56

Quite. I also fail to understand this desire to have a new child with the new partner, with 2 sets of existing children coming and going, and already a part of their lives. It's always down to "we just wished to create one just of our own - just (this) DP and mine".

I answered this and got no reply, because people never actually seem to want the answer to why people feel the "need" for another child, they just want to keep repeating that they don't get why.

It's obvious why a NRP would feel unsatisfied by that being their only experience of parenting.

I can tell you why we wanted , but of course I can’t speak for everyone else .
We both got together closer to our 40s and we both regretted nit having more children , and we felt we wasted our life’s being apart and felt we were soulmates ( as we still do ) so a child made sense . It was properly discussed between is and everyone else taken into account . I still go this day do not see any negative side effects on her older siblings .

rewilded · 17/04/2023 10:09

I was treated as a second class citizen by my Step Mother and my Father never had my back. I wasn’t a bad child either and was very compliant. I had to be.
I have vowed never to put my child through this due to my negative experience.
My childhood still haunts me…

This is very common and certainly the case for me too. Also look at all the problems when the DF dies and all the inheritance built up from the first marriage goes to SM and her children. It is often a real life cinderalla situation -except those fairy tails were warnings to live life correctly.

In France they take it is seriously and DC from the first marriage are protected.

kirinm · 17/04/2023 10:10

There are so many threads on this site from step parents who once they've had their own child, don't really want the step children around or don't underhand why the father might want to include all of his children in things like holidays. You see it all the time and there is an absolute refusal to see it from the child's point of view - probably because if they did, they'd see that their sudden desire to be a nuclear family, is to the detriment of the step kids.

BungleandGeorge · 17/04/2023 10:10

Most people have been brought up to believe that the nuclear family is the gold standard and everything else inferior and will make observations with that inherent bias. However, I think there are lots of family situations that are unhappy. Some of the worst are when the biological parents can’t or won’t split up. There are a lot of unhappy family situations, however it’s the single and remarried parents that are singled out for criticism.

Ohmy88 · 17/04/2023 10:11

SC of a blended family here 🙋🏼‍♀️ both parents remarried partners with kids. Very happy childhood for me & I’m 99% sure for my siblings / step siblings. May be in the minority but splitting & remarrying was the best thing my parents could have done!

Nothingisblackandwhite · 17/04/2023 10:11

AllInOnePiece · 17/04/2023 10:04

I touched on this in my comment, I don't think it needs to be either or. I do genuinely believe my stepchildren love their half sibling, they are affectionate and caring toward them, call to speak to them (large age gap), ask for pics of them opening their gifts on Christmas morning when they are at their mum's, One of them has a pic of them and our child as their WhatsApp picture for example, the way they will leave their games in the middle of talking to friends so say goodnight to them ect.. (even we don't get that privilege these days ha!) . The way they interact with my child shows me, unless they are tremendous actors, that they do genuinely love their sibling.

BUT I don't think that necessarily has to mean that there aren't also some negative feelings too. I know that my stepchildren were worried when we had our child that they would be treated differently and they had concerns over what it would mean for their relationship with their dad, I hope that they feel reassured now that things haven't changed. But I don't think that has to mean that they also don't enjoy having their half sibling in their life at the same time, the way they interact on a daily basis suggests otherwise.

Show quote history

My step kids were and are very proud of their new baby sister and my children absolutely adore her . They all dote on her and were really happy when she was born and even happier hnow .
If you are wanting for anyone to love their siblings at all times then sorry but I doubt that will ever happen , blended or non blended I’m sure siblings can always be a bit annoying and I’m pretty sure parents don’t have children to benefit their siblings . I’m sure most kids would prefer the attention 100% on them . If that is truly benefit will to those kids , well that’s another subject