to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

*date

Conversely, the people I know raised by single mothers who didn't co-habit again are mostly well-adjusted and happy adults. The men who grew up in these families are mostly huge feminists. 😊 I know maybe 8 or 9 people well who were raised for most of their childhood by single mothers, never a new partner moving in. One struggles still with mental health immensely, but that's (IMO) because of being in a house with domestic violence until they were 9 when their mother finally left the father. The others are all now happy, well adjusted. Three have decided to remain child-free but two of those have been married for years, very happy. One decided to remain single and has never pursued relationships at all, but has a very successful career and is minted, travelling all over the place. The rest settled down with family lives like most people do. Only one has divorced so far so less than in my general population of friends, as a percentage, and a lower percentage even when compared only to those with nuclear families throughtout childhood. The one who has divorced has decided to remaim single while their children grow up.

Again, not a statistical sample by any means but a pattern I've seen from my experience: better outcomes. Closer relationships with their parents, happier lives and better mental health as adults. And again, roughly matches what you see in statistical studies in proper academic research on the topic and long-term outcomes.

I found @Eggpie's comments illuminating, seeing it from the perspective of a social worker.

I think everybody is trying to do their best for their children (with a few very distressing exceptions, like we read about in the news). But I do think some of the judgements made would be different if people were fully aware of the risks involved in different approaches and the statistical likelihood of different outcomes for the children involved - not just the risk of abuse which is significant and important but clearly not going to happen in the majority of cases - but the likely mental health impacts and impact on the chances of happy relationships and outcomes in adult life. Childhood experiences affect people's lifes immensely, and I think many parents do underestimate this: saying children are "resilient" (or should be), will "adapt" etc. And they may well seem to. But often, they don't or can't or it makes them very unhappy.

In many cases it sounds like it does work well and even enhance the children's lives. But I do find the refusal of some posters to accept that these are not the majority - despite the research - depressing. Especially the belief that if you're careful and slow about doing it then it's safe and will be fine, or if you listen to your children and commit that if they statw they're unhappy or you witness anything unkind or abusive you'll end it is a robust safeguard. In most cases it may be, but if you do this realistically you have to accept that in some cases it won't be: you would never know what is happening or the damage being done until it's far too late.

We all have to make our own choices and life is imperfect but refusing to accept that you are exposing your children to higher risks by "blending families" - whether those are risks of abuse or mental health damage - is dishonest. You may be lucky and it works out fine, but denying the research showing that mostly the impact is negative, and that the risks of abuse are much, much higher and there's really nothing much you can do to prevent that if you go ahead with it, is denying reality.

I don't think anybody can judge anybody else's life, but we should all be fully informed of the risks and statistically likely outcomes of the risks we take and decisions we make, particularly when it involves DC. Even if that makes some adults feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes, you know, there’s no perfect choice.

I couldn’t engineer a situation that would have made my kids happy.

I went with the least worst option.

I can’t control what my ex does or did.

how was I supposed to square the circle ?

I think this is quite a simplistic reply. I'm not saying people should move in together purely because of finances, but it is a natural, socially normalised endgame for couple's that are happy and settled together and would happily cohabit, and part of that will be because pooling resources is the most sensible way of affording to live in our economy. House prices are not compatible with single incomes.

Something being normalised socially is not a rational or good reason to do it, particularly when plenty of robust evidence exists that it is likely to be a bad choice with more negative outcomes for children. There is no reason a relationship has to involve co-habiting. In fact that is a social norm that on the whole disadvantages women more than men in the long run on average, so I see nothing wrong with challenging this assumption. Yes the economics are tricky. But as I said this is largely due to the UK system of tax which is an outlier internationally. Most tax systems in comparable countries do not penalise single people or single parents in the way the UK system does because they recognise that this is counterproductive, increases child poverty and is more expensive for taxpayers in the long run. So the focus should be on fixing that IMO, to bring us in line with international approaches that have been proven to work and then there would be less pressure on people to make relationship choices based on finances which is obviously not going to end well in many cases.

Single parents will be in the position where they are having to forsake that social norm in order to ensure their children don't have to live with a step parent, and as such, quite likely expose themselves and their child to a lot of financial hardship they are aware could be avoided. A decision will be made. For many that will be that cohabiting with a trusted partner or spouse is better than the alternative they are living with.

As above, this is entirely within the gift of us as voters to pressure our political representatives to fix. If our tax system didn't disadvantage single adult - and particularly single parent - households (deliberately in my view, but also no pressure to fix it from other women despite 90% of single parent households being led by women, how depressing) then finances would be less of a factor in decisions, child poverty would be reduced, children being exposed to unsuitable partners reduced and associated abuse/ DV, and the cost to the taxpayer over the long term would be lower. That's why other countries don't design their systems this way, because the outcomes for everyone are worse and as you say it creates peverse incentives. So yes I understand the motivations you are describing caused by financial pressures but the answer IMO is to campaign for changes to the tax system to change that penalisation of single parents, not to encourage them to move partners in with their children for financially motivated reasons.

I get why people wouldn't make that choice, but find it a bit privileged when people go on about how they simply can't fathom why people might be attracted to the idea of living together.

Obviously having double our income and double the hours per day to work/ care for kids would make my life much easier! But given the other factors, it's not a risk/ compromise I'm prepared to make nevertheless. As I've said I can see why others make a different choice. Ideally we'd want people to be able to make choices forcusing on the factors that are about their DC's happiness and safety rather than money, so again the answer to that is to fix the tax system rather than try to justify people ignoring the evidence of impacts on children for financial reasons when that is something that can be fixed, in a fair way, simply by levelling the playing field for single parents with two parent households.

No you absolutely shouldn’t have stayed with him just to avoid any potential stepparents entering your children’s lives. I can’t believe someone would actually think that, given how many children live in toxic households where one or both parents are making the children’s lives miserable. Better for the children to have at least one stable home with one parent than no stable home at all.

@daughtersanathlete you have no control over what the other parent has done. I don't think anybody has said people should stay in a disfunctional and damaging relationship. Then your DC would be living in an unhappy situation 100% of the time. As it was, they had you and a stable and secure and undisrupted home with you. One good parent and home where they feel safe and secure is sufficient for most people to be ok. As they grow older then they generally choose to spend most time there. I don't see any comments that are blaming parents like you for the choices you ex has made and neither will your children. The worst problems generally occur when both parents do this to a child and introduce new partners/ step siblings/ have more children so the original children feel they have no safe space at all and don't belong anywhere anymore.

Thank you both.

But I want to hear from @Nimbostratus100 what s/he thinks. They’re the one who started this judgemental thread.

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow Do you think you'll ever live with someone when the children are older? If not that's fine of course as long as you have friends and family. When the children are older they will be living their own lives and will worry about you as they won't want you be lonely and then feel guilty.

I know when my DH was ill it gave my SC happiness knowing that he had me.

children are unhappy in blended families. That is the premise of this thread

my kids are unhappy because they’re in a blended family. What can I do about that? What does the op expect me to have done? My kids were unhappy when I was with their dad. Was I supposed to stay in a terrible relationship where the kids were unhappy?

at least as things stand I can control what happens in MY home. I couldn’t do that when I was with my ex as it was his home too and I certainly don’t get to control what my ex did or does in his new life.

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow The issue I was describing is not unique to parents - it's not really anything to do with parents. It's unaffordable for anybody to live in a house without two incomes, in many cases. Taxes on parents are not the cause of that, housing is just generally too expensive.

The government are not going to suddenly completely change the economy to make it affordable for individuals to comfortably live alone just to stop step parents needing to move in, this would be a complete overhaul of our entire society. It is built around the assumption that couples will pool resources.

I'm glad you say you can see why others will be tempted. But in your previous comment, you didn't. At that point, you blithely said that you couldn't understand the "obsession" with cohabiting.

I guess they aren't coming back but are probably still reading.

You sound like a fabulous Mum.

I’m not really 😂😂😂 I got lots of things wrong I’m sure. But I did my best to put my kids first.

and yet they’re still unhappy with their blended family situation. What am I supposed to do about that? That’s what I want to know. @Nimbostratus100

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow Do you think you'll ever live with someone when the children are older? If not that's fine of course as long as you have friends and family. When the children are older they will be living their own lives and will worry about you as they won't want you be lonely and then feel guilty.

I know when my DH was ill it gave my SC happiness knowing that he had me.

This is a worry. I've been a lone parent since they were still babies. By the time they are both fully fledged independent adults I will be retiring (I hope!! So exhausted already and would be happy to retire now tbh 😆 but that is well over a decade away still, at best).

My job is to give them the best chance and coax them to fly, to wherever life takes them. Selfishly I hope that's not too far away, although I'd never say so, of course.

I'd love them to have children of their own, live nearby, be an involved grandma. But adventures may well take them to the other side of the world and I will need to make peace with that; I won't claim I'm there yet. I think them leaving home and "empty nest" syndrome will impact me far, far more than parents in a couple, because I'll bave devoted so much of my life to them. I expect I will be extremely sad and feel very lonely for a while (although I like my own company!) and need to make some big changes to live at that time to readjust, especially as retiring will hopefully happen at a similar time.

At the moment I crave some peace, some quiet, time to have interests and hobbies. Bt having lived alone when younger for many years before I met my ex-H I can imagine that the silence in the house, the ticking clocks, may become oppressive.

My family do not live nearby, but I have lots of lovely friends. Perhaps they will be at a similar stage of life then and we'll have more time for each other, but I am under no illusion that they won't be mainly focused on their own DH, their own children and grandchildren, and that my old age may well be lonely.

I hope I'll manage to have enough connections with people to be happy. And am saving what I can to make sure I could fund care costs, not burden my children with worrying about feeling responsible for me in that sense: I want them to live their lives not look after me, the parenting relationship is inherently unbalanced in that way as I chose to create them, I am not their responsibility. But I hope they'll love me and have happy memories of their childhood and want to be in touch/ see me regularly.

Right now I'm happy to be single, maybe then I won't be. I would never want my children to feel responsible for me so will of course pretend I'm fine even if I'm not 😁 because none of this is their problem or responsibility. Regular visits would be lovely. I hope we are still close. Maybe then I'll have a complete change, move to the sea or travel a lot or maybe a wonderful man might land in my lap. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who knows. Maybe I'll become a very sad, lonely old woman. I really don't know. It's not a nice thought, but it is one of the trade offs, the increased risks of loneliness when I'm older. I'm prepared to make it because I would rather risk that than do the wrong thing for them. But I do fear it, being sick and old and alone. I try not to think about it too much, if I'm honest as it is scary.

I would never live with a partner again though, even when they're grown up. I'd consider a relationship then. That said, based on threads here, most older men seem even more unreasonable and not fun and more cantankerous and lazy and unattractive than the ones my age now so I think it's probably unlikely to even find that!

This is not the life I'd planned, but I can only play the cards as they are dealt.

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow well I wish you all the happiness whatever happens.

Obviously, I don't know what the future holds either.

I am sorry it seemed like that to you but what I mean is that for me the financial disadvantages would never overrule my judgement about the likely impacts on my children's wellbeing and life chances and mental health, or the increased risk of abuse.

Yes, the finances are tough. Really tough.

The tax changes I referred to would benefit single people without children also. The problem we have is taxing people as single adults rather than household units so that single people pay far more tax on the same household income, so single parents and single adults - who have higher living expenses because they're funding it all alone - are taxed more than a couple with the same income, which is utter madness hence why other countries don't do this. It just compounds disadvantage, and even more so when children are involved hence far higher rates of child poverty in single parent households (but like you say also with single adults with no children). Easy to fix, proven to work, the question is why there's no pressure on the UK Government to fall in line with international norms on this when it has proven positive outcomes in terms of reducing poverty, reducing child poverty, reducing welfare dependency, increasing long-term tax revenue, improving health and educational outcomes etc... and being cheaper for everyone. Anyway, a little bit off topic for the thread. But the answer is to change the tax code, not to encourage single parents to move other adults into their homes, or for single adults to cohabit driven by financial considerations before they should contemplate that based on all other measures/ risks.

Thank you. That's kind of you.

After the childhood I had, and disasterous marriage, I do feel sad for myself that perhaps I will live my whole life never being anyone's priority, never being loved in the ways that others were by their parents or partners do.

But in the end that's sad but it's my problem. Not my children's problem. A combination of bad luck and bad choices, possibly (quite likely) resulting from that childhood trauma. So I view it as my job to break the cycle for them, so that their lives can be different. It's a sacrifice worth making because I can't change the past. I grieve for the little girl I was especially since having my own children but for me their needs - and having lived my childhood I understand so clearly how the needs of a child not being met impact their whole life, forever - trump mine every time. For me, given where we find ourselves and my bad judgement on their father despite living together many years then being married many years before having children, the choices I'm making now aren't really choices as such: they're the only reasonable thing I can do. How I wish I had chosen them a better father. I was so careful, and still got it wrong. My children should not suffer for my life or choices or what has gone before, that's for me to own and live with, as I said, break the cycle. I just hope I manage it. If I do and they become happy adults who feel they had a happy childhood then I can live with whatever consequences for me come my way. They suffer already the huge sadness of not having a father in their lives when their friends do.

Who knows what the future holds. Maybe by some miracle things will work out happily for me, too. But life has no guarantees I know. Maybe I should increase my wine intake so I won't have to worry about old age too much. 😆 The one thing that would break me is if they become very unhappy adults, then it would all be for nothing. But I also know that no matter what I do I have no control over that, any number of other things or simply bad luck could cause that.

We alll have to live with such uncertainty, feeling our way in the dark and our own life experiences can scew our ideas so much which is why I've always been keen to seek out data because then at least there's some factual basis of the chances of knowing your choice should hopefully be the right one. But nobody knows, there are outliers, there is luck good and bad. It's heartwarming to read the stories of blended families where it has been positive. I suppose my posts are all about going into everything with your eyes as wide open as possible and the importance of fully understanding the data and risks and that you can never "know" that someone's safe to be with your children even if you've known them for many years.

Do you think that might be more to the fact their mums were single long term so stronger to an extend ? We are a blended family now but prior to this I was single 15 years , my new partner not only is a huge feminist but knows to well that I want to pass on to my daughter and our daughter together . my 6 year old is already well versed on being independent .
He also knows fully well I don’t need him and did very well prior to knowing him so o I can stand on my own 2 feet with the kids without the need to alter their lifestyle or mine .
The mindset to our relationship was always children come first both his mine and now ours . For all of us it has been a great experience . His sons openly say they love seeing him happy and love to spend time with us ( we just came from Disney world ) and we include the whole family in every big event ( if they wish to come off course as they are teen and young adult ) .
Im not saying we are perfect , no family is perfect but I truly hope being in each others life’s will make all the children life’s better and not worse . Until now we have seen nothing but benefits and I really hope they don’t feel worse off for being in a Blended situation .

@DryYourEyesWeepingWillow Your children are lucky to have you.

@Nothingisblackandwhite Same as your family we have seen many benefits and I wouldn't change a thing.

My ‘stepdad’ raised me most my childhood that I don’t even consider anything about him to be ‘step’. He always will be a dad to me. On the other hand, I have friends who had step parents growing up who treated them awfully and their parent chose their partner over the happiness of their children. And these people are still suffering in adulthood because of that.
I became a single parent during pregnancy with my child, and have chose to remain single for five years. But I can assure you that when I do eventually have a partner, it will be hell of a better situation for my child than the abusive environment it would have been if I remained with my child’s father.

Do you think that might be more to the fact their mums were single long term so stronger to an extend ? We are a blended family now but prior to this I was single 15 years , my new partner not only is a huge feminist but knows to well that I want to pass on to my daughter and our daughter together . my 6 year old is already well versed on being independent .
He also knows fully well I don’t need him and did very well prior to knowing him so o I can stand on my own 2 feet with the kids without the need to alter their lifestyle or mine .
The mindset to our relationship was always children come first both his mine and now ours . For all of us it has been a great experience . His sons openly say they love seeing him happy and love to spend time with us ( we just came from Disney world ) and we include the whole family in every big event ( if they wish to come off course as they are teen and young adult ) .
Im not saying we are perfect , no family is perfect but I truly hope being in each others life’s will make all the children life’s better and not worse . Until now we have seen nothing but benefits and I really hope they don’t feel worse off for being in a Blended situation

I really don't know. There must be so many factors involved: luck (especially in avoiding getting involved with someone abusive who can often hide this so, so well), individual personalities of the adults and children and whether they get on and bond together, any trauma the children have from previous relationships which may make blending harder compared to them coming out of it relatively unscathed, whether the adults are able to treat all DC the same and develop genuine love for DC that aren't their biological children, the quality of the relationship between the adults and how they model that to the children, so many things.

I have no evidence for this but my instinct is that you're right: that for children to know that the blending was decided with their consent and that all on both sides if the family wanted it (all of them, including the children), and it was done slowly, having a period of stability after the family separation with their parent alone first, knowing that if they were ever unhappy their parent would prioritise them over the relationship and leave, having a very open relationship in terms of communication with their parent and knowing that if they were ever unhappy they could say so and would be listened to and the parent would leave, must all increase the chances of success and make the children feel more secure. That seems all logical to me. I'm no expert on any of this, I've only spoken from my own experience and from the research I've read, but it's lovely to hear it's working out so well for your family and some others described in the thread.

Thank you. I just hope they agree with you when they are adults!

I don't think they will answer you.

None of it is your fault, you sound like you do everything possible for your children and in the end that is all any of us can do. I think the criticisms on the thread are aimed at parents who don't prioritise their children in this way, not at parents like you. And sadly there are many.

The type of people who put their children into unstable and disruptive situations are not the ones who will have posted here. They will actively avoid reading it or, tbh, be unlikely to be on a parenting forum at all. And then because people are criticising what those parents do, and the sometimes tragic consequences of that which we read in the news, or even just lifelong mental health consequences and those children as adults having unhappy lives themselves, there is resistance to recognising this issue. Because other parents who had no control over what the other parent did like you, or were lucky and had everything work out fine for them, are the ones who engage with these discussions. And from the other side, those like me posting who have children whose other parent is not involved at all and have chosen not to have any partner involved with their children are also a self-selecting sample. This is why research and proper stats on likely outcomes of different choices are so important.

You have done nothing wrong. In fact, leaving a toxic relationship you did exactly the right thing. I don't think these discussions mean to make you feel bad, you did what you needed to do. But they are rightly a criticism of your ex, based on what you have said, because he did not put the children first and that is always the problem, when the children's needs are not the priority.

It's a shame to see discussions on these topics - especially here - so often dissolve into a bunfight. I completely understand why it makes so many people feel defensive (me included! Some of the comments I read on here about single mothers make my blood boil). And I can understand why those in blended families will have the same kind of reaction to threads like this, or course. They love their DC just as much as I love mine, feel as protective of them, are doing the best for them that they can choose.

It's so much better when we can have a constructive discussion about our experiences and motivations and considerations and also about the data o. A wider population level (and gaps in it as a PP's postjust highlighted - which factors exactly are causing the negative impacts? Nobody actually knows except in the most extreme cases) without people attacking each other and getting defensive and angry. But now my posts seem to have killed the thread, so maybe such a discussion is not what others wanted. 😆

I don't think they will answer you.

To be fair, they never claimed that anybody is to blame for their ex introducing a step-parent. I'm not sure why they'd have any responsibility to come up with a solution.