to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

My experience is clouded by the fact that my mother brought a man she knew to be violent into our lives - he got into a fight on their 2nd date and still she married him, had two further children with him. He lifted me off the floor by the throat, which was not the catalyst for them splitting up, him giving her two black eyes was the final straw.
Needless to say i have no relationship with any of them and the younger siblings have no idea about the man their father was because he'd stopped drinking by the time they were old enough to know him.
That man could have easily killed me on that occasion. I've dated men who slowly try to come between you and your children, send him to his dads for that night when they want sex that isn't in the scheduele because you havent got childcare that kinda thing, I can see how a weak woman would become conditioned to start valuing the man's attention over more and more demanding children to their detriment and look at the consequences for wee Arthur and Star of blended families.
Not for me.

Nah, I don't think that. I just don't want to risk making any more bad decisions.

I’m sorry that happened to you.

I agree with you that parents who are not naturally inclined to putting their children first are very likely to make poor decisions in the blended family arena, as they are in all other aspects of their lives.

Absolutely terrible for the children.

Yes I do think too many parents put what they want before their children

do blended families work some of them but I think the majority children are often felt pushed out

I would have loved another child and to be in a relationship where I had a happy little family but was that for me or ds? It was for me he has always been happy I felt well why change this it works

I am like you. Men rarely enhance my life. A few as platonic friends is fine though.

Nc for this. I am a social worker so this is both my personal and professional experience.

On one hand it’s brilliant that relationships can be relatively easy to walk away from these days. There’s benefits to support single parents now and women can work professional jobs and there is little stigma about breaking up or divorcing. People can now leave toxic relationships much more freely and are not shackled to an idiot they married at 20 when they’re 50. All great stuff so far.

However the flip side of this is when children come into play. There is a massive breakdown of both the family unit, extended family and general community which is wrecking havoc on our children. The fact that the pursuit of our own individual happiness above all else has been rammed down our throats in recent decades has not benefited society, children or ourselves. This is reflected across all classes and the impact has resulted chaos, lack of stability and mental illness in our community.

typical modern day example:

Becky, 20, has a baby called Bella with Harry 22. After several years the relationship breaks down due to infidelity, Becky now 24, leaves with now 4 year old Bella and sets up on her own and Bella stays at dad Harry at weekends. Becky and Harry love their daughter and coparent amicably.

Becky always wanted 3 dc and of course marriage and companionship like everyone else. Of course Becky has a right to happiness and should not write off her right to love, marriage and family at 24 years old.

Harry also desires a partner and is only 26 years old. He too should not be destined for life without a life partner at 26.

So Becky and Harry both start dating again. Harry is able to date quite a lot due to not being the resident parent so quickly manages to have 3/4 relationships over a 2 year period. As hes able to spend a lot of time with each new woman he dates it progresses quit quickly each time meaning that Bella has met at least two girlfriends over the 2 year period. Neither relationship has lasted which happens but Bella has now gone instability from her mum and dad splitting up to meeting 2 of dads ‘friends’ and never seeing them again and she’s still only 6 years old.

Becky hasn’t been able to dad as freely as Harry due to childcare commitments and work. She dates when she doesn’t have Bella but it’s harder to keep the momentum of a new relationship going when you have little free time. Eventually she meets Dan after 18 months of being single. Dan is really sweet and a great match for Becky. Becky introduces Dan to Bella and they get on great. Becky moves Dan in after a year. Bella is now 6.5 years old.

Everything blends well. Bella gets on well with Dan and her dad Harry has now also found someone called Rachel who she regularly sees at her contact time at her dads. Rachel regularly brings her own 2 kids over to play with Bella who are a similar age.

A further year down the line and Becky and Dan are married and start TTC and Becky is pregnant. Harry has also moved in with Rachel and her two children. Becky and Dan have their baby and Bella dotes on the baby.

At this point Bella is now 7.5. She has two ‘step’ siblings at her dads house and a ‘step mum’. She has a ‘step’ dad at her mums house and a new half sibling.

A further year on and Harry and Rachel have now broken up as moving in together hasn’t quite worked out. It ended amicably however Bella will likely not ever see Rachel and her two kids again.
Becky and Dan have also welcomed another baby.

Wind forward to 5.5 years. Bella is 14, Becky 34 and Harry 36.

Dan has changed since the two dc came along. Generally lazy, not pulling his weight and being crap all around. Becky has tried and tried to make it work with Dan but he doesn’t change. Becky decided it was easier to go it along and leaves with her 3 dc.

Harry in the last 5.5 years has also met someone. Over the 5.5 years they have moved in together and him and the new partner have a baby on the way.

…..

So if we look at the above. Bella has gone through so much by the age of 14 years old. She has made connections with people (Rachel, Rachel’s kids, Dan) that have been broken, she’s witnessed break ups, adults moving in and adults moving out. She’s dealt with new siblings etc all by the time she’s 14 years old. Infact realistically she experienced a lot by 7 years old.

Now do I think it’s wrong for Becky or Harry to have desired relationships/companionship after Bella? No. Not at all.

But where do you draw the line? Becky now has a 5, 7 and 14 year old. Harry a 14 year old and baby.

Now look at the general impact of this to society:

Chances are Becky will probably at some point want companionship again as a woman in her mid thirties which will repeat the blending cycle to her younger dc if the new partner has kids of his own.

Dan will likely go on to meet another another woman. She may have kids of her own inflicting blending to her own dc and Dan and Becky’s dc.

Rachel probably met someone else after her break up with Harry thus inflicting blending with another man onto her kids. Rachel’s kids dad may have also done the same.

If Harry and his new partner don’t work out then his new partner will probably also go on to date again especially if she wants more dc, thus also repeating said cycle.

….

So where does that leave the children in our society? Unstable home environments from almost every direction. There is a mental health crisis with our young people and I strongly believe the current breakdown of family/security/stability/community is a massive factor amongst others.

I purposefully left abuse out of this typical example. However when you also factor in abuse and the fact that it’s statically higher for children to be abused by stepparents/boyfriends/girlfriends within the family home. Then it’s actually chilling. At least of those children in the example (Bella, her half siblings, her parents partners children) will be abused at some point on top amongst the various blending.

But abuse aside, where do you draw the line?!

That must have been awful . I think your situation was more to do with having an unfit parent that did not put you first . I think some people are just not meant to be parents unfortunately.
I think one of the main differences with making blended families work is both people being good parents from the onset and strong independent people. My partner was and is a great dad to his son and his step son ( he married his ex when his step son was 3 years old , he is now 21 and calls him dad and openly says my partner is his dad and nobody else despite having contact with his bio dad ) , I could never date anyone who had no contact with their children as a example , the other think is we both can stand in our own 2 feet even if we where apart , I’m completely financially independent and have been single for over 13 years until we decided to become a family unit , if things went wrong I will be heartbroken but I can pretty much carry on living my life without taking away anything from my children .
Nobody would ever come between me and my kids , ever . They are will always be my priority .
thankfully 3 years on we seem to be doing well and every kid seems happy and so are we

@Nothingisblackandwhite an unfit parent agreed, however the violence came from an outside influence who traumatised an already traumatised victim of divorce, domestic violence and removal from extended family before the age of 10. Without him, wouldn't have happened.
As the social worker above describes, it's too much, too big a risk even when there isn't physical abuse and the emotional abuse ex h's new wife has inflicted on my children is despicable, moving them off the sofa when she wants to sit next to their dad, turning their "bedrooms" into something for hobby, rinsing their grandmother financially so there's no inheritance for them. The woman doesn't give a fuck about her husbands children and I truly doubt step parents do little more than tolerate them in most cases.

It's not easy to love someone else's children and it's a big ask to expect children to get along with their new "siblings". It's no surprise the poll says it all.

or maybe a thread that might make some people think again and save a number of children from years of misery......

That’s why I said blending works when both people were good parents . No good parent would allow that to happen . I know it happens but once more shouldn’t parents like your ex be protecting them from their new partners ? If my partner as much as had any threatening behaviour towards my children or me he would be out on the streets that same minute . I would never tolerate that and I certainly would never inflict any of that on my step children . Please don’t think all step parents behave that way . My partner is a loving step parent and all my children adore him and my step children love staying with us and we all get along . I honestly do not understand the concept I often see on MN where people just believe their step children are nothing to do with them , my step children are the most important thing in my partners life therefore they are as important to me . They are with us every holiday we book , I spend the same on gifts I spend on my children and although I admit I do not love them as much as my own ( they have a loving my and stepmom too ) I sure as hell would never treat them in any way differently and I do feel they as my responsibility to keep happy too and I do love them to bits .

Can you please tell me what I should have done to prevent my kids being in a blended family. Thank you.

@Nimbostratus100 Any situation that does not work for the child would hopefully be rectified by the parents, whether that be in a family with both biological parents or in a blended family. Both scenarios will have its problems in some circumstances just like some blended families will.

I don't believe it is set in stone that because a child is in a blended family, they will automatically be unhappy.

I don’t really give a toss when it comes down to ds feeling secure and being happy if it’s steeped in sexism that women are judged harsher than men when new partners become involved in his life

I do what’s right for ds first then myself if that plays into the patriarchy then so be it my priority isn’t to fight this by trying to make things equal it’s to be the best parent I can

But then again my step mum totally viewed us all as family and we were treated equally. I understand from this forum that many many step parents don't feel they owe that to children and are basically itching to get rid of the SCs. I think that attitude is probably REALLY felt by the SCs and it must be horrible sharing your life is an adult who thinks of you an an inconvenience

yup this.

@3BSHKATS do you actually think most stepparents just tolerate their stepchildren? Is that what you meant?

I am a feminist like many women but I don't find it sexist to disapprove of stepdads as I equally tend to disapprove of step mums. Unless they are naturally very good parents.

This is ridiculous.. of course some blended families are unhappy as are the children of some bio parents and some single parents.
I was single for the first 13 years of my sons life, have been with my husband 8 years now and have been in my stepdaughter's life since she was 4. Has it always been plain sailing... no but what is.
That doesn't mean we're a broken family! Honestly Mumsnet is literally is full of people on a bloody high horse!

Why do you disapprove of stepparents? They are only human beings like you or I. Some may even be better at parenting than the biological parents.

Very true- absolutely this.
this is a Horrible, judgy , post , full of ridiculous generalisations tbh.

I think there are so many dynamics at play that you can’t really generalise but I also think some people are a bit too quick to prioritise a new relationship at the expense of the children.

Even where it works well though I think there can be issues with dynamics. Eg have a relative whose parents divorced. Relationship with the mum and stepdad functioned really well. Step-dad became father figure and didn’t have own children. Father re-married and he very much prioritises the step-mum’s children and the child they had together. My relative is the second class citizen on that side of the family but more because the father is lazy and probably would have been even if he’d stayed married.

What is your family set up? Are you living a perfect life? Are you a perfect parent judging people?

In what way am I judging people? I have simply observed that most blended family situations I have come across are unhappy

I’ll ask again.

@Nimbostratus100 can you please tell me what I could have done to stop my children being unhappy with the blended family they found themselves in.

thanks.

You won't acknowledge that there are situations where it works?

My DH and his ex were never going to stay together. I'm blessed to have the SC now adults in my life. They got a lovely sibling from us as well. Nobody is in therapy.