to think most blended family situations are unhappy

[Nimbostratus100]

From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

I tend to agree that most blended families do not have well adjusted children. Some do though but these are more the exception. From what I have observed anyway.

Conveniently once I split up with ds's father I was put off for life lol. Ds is 18 and we remain close.

The problem when it comes to having more is I guess which ever side of the family you are say both parents have their own children you’ve got the strange crossover.

I only live with this family at weekends, my step siblings live there say 12 out of 14 but my half siblings get mum and dad all the time. That’s got to be hard for the ones who only visit every other and in a way strange for the ones who whilst little see the other siblings half’s/steps getting to go off to stay at other houses but they don’t.

So say dads children never fit in at dads house, mums children never fit it at their dads house either. Joint children get children coming and going and possible very different styles of lives due to their other parents. Frankly a minefield for all the children in those two adults with children coming together then having even more.

One child off to Disney, one gets a caravan in skeggy and the other France very different lives but all expected to exist as if all is the same for them when they only spend set days together. Going from sharing bedrooms, to own rooms to maybe an only child to a whole gaggle.

That’s without say any actual drama happened.

You won't be able to, because in both of my comments I was talking about a general overview of all threads on MN. So you'd be counting for a very long time.

Yes, it is sad that younger siblings are viewed as so totally implausible to love, when millions of children out there in non blended families are not questioned on their love for their siblings.

What a ridiculous comment to make.

I'm not sure that was the question? It was whether sexist or not.

Ah you've engineered a get out clause.

@deepspace9 yes because children have never been know to lie have they 😂

@Nimbostratus100 I agree with you. I’m a retired teacher and it never ceased to amaze me just how many children were forced to accept new stepparents and step siblings living with them, with no understanding shown about why the child was miserable or playing up!

Your kids sound really really out of hand mate. You need to do better.

Ah you've engineered a get out clause.

No I haven't, read my comments back if you like, that's what I said.

It's right there in the bit you quoted; "anecdotes on threads like this"

I think anyone in a blended family can be a bit unhappy sometimes. Same as in non-blended families. Some of the difficulties can be different and unique to the fact it’s a blended family, but many will be the same.

I think a key factor in children of separated parents being happy, step parents and step siblings regardless, is a surety in their biological parents roles in their lives and consistency.

@deepspace9 lol

There is no evidence to substantiate the claim that the blended family is the cause of some children's unhappiness. There could be numerous elements at play if a child is unhappy which may or may not be down to the blended family situation.

To automatically jump to blended families being the sole and only reason why a child may present as unhappy is extremely narrow minded. Correlation does not equal causation.

it does when those children tell you that the blended family situation is making them unhappy. We don't need objective evidence to believe a child.

@piratypotato Young children may not understand why they are unhappy. It may be because of their family situation, but there may be other reasons at play that the child doesn't understand.

Children who are now adults will have a greater understanding and their experiences are valid. But there is still the issue of causation. Was it the blended family that caused the unhappiness? Or was it the parents personalities? Could I have been that the parents ignored the children when in a new relationship which led to resentment? There are so many variables but to just say it is solely down to a family merging is short sighted.

It's not for you to deny peoples lived experience and try and prove them wrong or offer another reason for their unhappiness. You know nothing about them and their families.

@piratypotato You raise a very good point which could likewise apply to those who have had good experiences. Yet those are being dismissed. Why?

if people are going to state it as fact that blended families harm children then it has to be questioned. A blanket statement cannot apply to all families and all situations.

@Nothingisblackandwhite Are you responding to the PP I was quoting? I was saying much the same thing as you.

My apologies yes I was

I didn't force my SD to feed the baby, push the pushchair, take pictures, cuddle the baby, entertain the baby. She asked to do it. She must have been a really good actor to keep this going for so long. Obviously they have only got a relationship now to keep the parents happy - you don't know what you are talking about.

As an ex primary school teacher, I witnessed this an awful lot. From what I saw, many children were unhappy because dad had a new partner and a baby together, mum had a new partner and a baby together, and they felt they didn’t belong anywhere. Some of the things they came out with, as mere 7/8/9 year olds, were truly heartbreaking.

You can totally love a new half sibling but still be quite unhappy with the way things are.

This.