to think most blended family situations are unhappy

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From my experience of many decades as a secondary school tutor, I would say most of the time when children talk about step parents, there is tension and misery ( from the children's point of view, not necessarily the parents)

I am going to say 75% of situations are unhappy, by which I mean most of the children are somewhat unhappy, or one or more child is very unhappy, or the situation breaks down because of parent or child unhappiness. Breakdown could mean the relationship between parents breaks down, or the relationship between a child and step parent breaks down to the extent a teen becomes homeless, or moves out

So to answer this, you probably need to know at least 4 blended family situations reasonably well, yours as a child, parent, or other people's.

I am expecting that some parents will vote that it is happy, when that isn't accurate, as I am aware this is quite common, and the child has a very different feeling than the parent.

However, I will be pleased if I cam completely wrong about this, and lots mare happy! I just dont see it in teaching.

YABU - less than 75% are unhappy
YANBU - 75% or more are unhappy

But it’s not really a complicated situation for some . I think that’s where your judgement is coming across wrong . Yes if the relationships are strained then fair enough but if like us we all get along really well then why not bring a child if that’s what you wish for ?

Do you really want to bring more children into an already complicated situation?

We did it & everyone happy about.

Do you really want to bring more children into an already complicated situation?

Yes. Because the off chance that it might negatively affect DSS who only has to put up with it EOW - and it didn't by the way, he is much happier for having siblings which he doesn't have elsewhere, he prefers the company of other children to adults - did not supersede everything else.

That might be hard for some people to hear, but it is the reality. Many people who aren't in blended families make similar choices knowing it might upset their older child.

You can't possibly know a person's inner most thoughts unless they want you to.

This is the point that other posters are making. Because you want everyone to be happy about it, you are seeing all the positives.

But that isn't to say that at some point your children might look at the situation and wish that they had a bigger slice of the pie (time, attention, money etc)

When children are all small this might seem manageable, but you are their parents forever and there may come a time when they wish they just had a bit more of YOU.

This is all added on top of a situation where their parents don't live together and they are already living with an adult who isn't their parent.

It's a huge thing for a child to deal with.

If you look at anecdotes on threads like this, it's a pretty even mix

Not if you only take into account the posts from the child's perspective. Those are overwhelmingly negative. You can say it's balanced out by parents claiming their children are happy, but those posts are obviously far less reliable.

I think this is the problem that people have with blended families.

Happily it sounds like your DSS is happy with the situation, but you state here, that his happiness 'doesn't supersede' anything else (by which you mean your desire to have children with his father)

So basically, it would have happened even if it wasn't the best for him.

Yup. This. Step parents/parents with new partners are always banging on here about how great it all is...in my experience the children very rarely agree.

What you're doing is called confirmation bias - its covered a lot at GCSE. Maybe youve not covered it yet.

That might be hard for some people to hear, but it is the reality. Many people who aren't in blended families make similar choices knowing it might upset their older child.

And no, all my decisions were made on a hierarchy of need, with my children coming first over everyone else. We actually didn't have a third child because when we looked at the finances we decided that having a third would take resources away from the two we had.

I would have loved a third, but knew that it wasn't best for them. I think most parents think like this, and that is why it's jarring to read of step parents not having the same attitude to their step children.

Of course teenagers are a notorious accurate source about their situation.... I recall being too controlled and terrified to report my abuse and depression - where people in caring homes were so very explicit about every little gripe

My SC are adults now and we have spoke in depth about the past. The older one says that she can remember her parents arguing and thinks they are both much happier separate.

The other one says she can't remember her Mum and Dad being together.

They are both happy within their two families.

I'm sorry to prove you wrong but they also love their younger sibling.

But that isn't to say that at some point your children might look at the situation and wish that they had a bigger slice of the pie (time, attention, money etc)

That could happen with any siblings. Sometimes you don't like your siblings. Our three are great together.

I'm pretty confident my SC love me and I know they love their Mum's partner.

I think PP is referring to the posters on this thread who were the children in blended families. Majority are saying they were miserable.

Of course, as with anything there are probably many perfectly happy step children who won't bother coming on a forum to say 'it was perfectly fine'

I would have loved a third, but knew that it wasn't best for them. I think most parents think like this, and that is why it's jarring to read of step parents not having the same attitude to their step children.

We did. We decided to have one child and not two so that we could afford the other three.

Clearly the op isn't going to answe any of my questions.

Well it is,as I said in the circle of people I know,one thing is what they post on FB and reality is a different picture.

You do sound a lovely step mum and it sounds like it has all worked out for the best.

I must admit I never really gave it loads of thought until I came on here and have read so many posts from pissed off step parents who seem surprised that their life is a lot more complicated since gaining step children.

I think to be fair if you can make a super complex situation really work for the children involved, and always treat them equally, and for them to not feel disadvantaged then you have my respect.

As a step child I would agree. Although we were unhappy when my mum and dad split, the addition of a step dad (he had no children) made me, less so my brothers, must unhappier. And our quality of life wasn't better as step dad often didn't work or was low income. We mainly survived on benefits before and after he came to live with us, but with us my mum had another smoking and drinking adult to pay for.

I don't disagree with OP's experience. I can only think of 1 family I am aware of whose blended family situation seemed to be genuinely healthy - I only knew the mum from the family though so I can't speak for the kid, but from how she spoke about her ex, her new partner and her, it sounded healthy and happy and the children being at the centre of everyone's priorities which is rare.

Agreed. It's like those threads about whether or not biracial children are affected by growing up in predominantly white areas. White mums of biracial children usually insist that it's fine - why, there's probably more racism in diverse areas! Meanwhile, the biracial posters say the opposite.

I do actually think that if you already have children then you need to put the needs of the existing children before your own desire to have another child.

Often having a new sibling can be disruptive, and will inevitably split resources further. If that new sibling is going to be significantly younger than their half siblings that also needs to be considered as a factor.

Hmm. Is this only blended families that need to do this, or all families who already have a child?

Siblings are disruptive, they do split resources and there is no guarantee of children getting on, blended family or not.

Is it fair to deprive an only child the chance of a sibling, just because "blended families don't work"?

What a load of arse

*I think this is the problem that people have with blended families.

Happily it sounds like your DSS is happy with the situation, but you state here, that his happiness 'doesn't supersede' anything else (by which you mean your desire to have children with his father)

So basically, it would have happened even if it wasn't the best for him.*

Well no, I don't just mean my desire to have children with his father, I also mean his father's desire to have children with me. I didn't force him into it.

But I digress - how does anybody know beforehand whether a sibling would be in a child's best interests? Many parents end up with bitter sibling rivalries and children that don't get on, and they generally don't find out it's going to be that way until it's already happening or happened. It's not a gamble exclusive to blended families.

But, financial worries aside given they aren't a problem for everybody, presumably you did consider before having your second child that it might upset your first child, and come to the conclusion that you didn't think this was enough of a problem not to do it anyway?

Then you've made a similar judgment to the one we did. Because not everybody is of the opinion that a half sibling would inevitably be a detriment to the child. And as is evidenced on this thread and many others, we're not wrong, because many, many people are very close to their half siblings.

I think it can be particularly difficult where step siblings are introduced into blended families and have to share living space.

Not if you only take into account the posts from the child's perspective. Those are overwhelmingly negative. You can say it's balanced out by parents claiming their children are happy, but those posts are obviously far less reliable.

I disagree.

Considering the whole board, not just this thread, and specifically on the subject of half siblings which is what I was quoting there - I feel that the majority of posts I see from former SC talk about being very close to their half siblings, to the point of never even considering themselves less than full siblings.

Another poster upthread mentioned confirmation bias. That's what's going on here. Some people are predisposed to notice the good comments, and others are predisposed to notice the bad.

All this 'they love the new baby' - do they really? Or are they just saying that so they make their parent happy and to fit in? It's really sad.

I disagree.

It's not a matter of opinion. When I have nothing better to do later, I'll do a count of posts.