To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

You need new friends I think. They are cruel and horrible to talk to you like that. Aren't friends meant to lift you up? And no you aren't a failure, absolutely not. I'd leave them well alone.

I'm so confused. The intervention was because you're not married and settled down?

Your friends sound like bitches. 29 is still young. Perhaps they're not as happy married with children as they thought they would be.

You sound perfectly fine to me! Definitely not a failure! The friendship from their sides certainly seemed to have failed though!

They sound like smug arseholes

You don't sound at all like a failure to me OP. First of all, you have a job, you're well educated, you are able to drive and own your own car, and you've also travelled a considerable amount. What about that makes you feel like you've failed? OK, so you've had to move back in with Mum and Dad for a while, a lot of people are finding themselves doing this right now, due to the cost of living, break ups with partners, etc. so nothing to be ashamed of. No one NEEDS a partner in life if they don't want one, and you certainly don't have to have children to be successful in life. If you're still living with your parents in 10 years time, I might see you differently, as to me this might be a sign that you've given up on life and stopped making an effort, but other than that, I think you're doing fine, and I'd tell these so called friends of yours to keep their noses out, unless there's something you're not telling us, as you seem perfectly capable of organising your own life.

You have a 'friend' problem.
Being single and childless does not mean 'life is passing you by' or that you're wasting it.
You live the way you want to but might I suggest finding different, less shitty, judgemental friends to hang out with.

Thank you all. It’s really knocked my confidence
it was mainly the fact I was living at home and they were concerned I didn’t have anyone to “settle down with”. They also mentioned the fact I have PCOS and that “having babies is only going to get harder”

Ive lived independently for ten years, it’s only this time period where I’ve had to move back in with parents and it’s not permanent.

I also still feel slightly nervous about meeting someone new. My ex was v emotionally abusive and I’m only now slowly rebuilding my confidence.

I haven’t really spoken to them since as I don’t really know what to say.

You’re not a failure and they are horrible. There’s no such thing as the right track.

You need new friends!! They sound crazy

Plus, you're only 29

🤔

Four cities in ten years!? What have they actually been doing?

God they sound like the Smug Marrieds from Bridget Jones’ Diary. They can fuck right off. If you are happy what business is it of theirs.

Are you happy? I know people with partners and children and they're just plodding by, and definitely not happy. So as long as you're enjoying what you do, that to me is success. Maybe they're envious of you so they want you to conform to their way of life to make them feel their choices are right.

I think you sound amazing and you have great life! As long as you feel you're where you want to be, that's all that matters. I didn't have kids til 38 (if very honest with myself, had them in part due to social pressure). Travelled a ton before that, had a brilliant life, was single for long periods. Adore my kids but all my spare time and money goes on them now, it's very different. I think you sound like you are doing fab!! I assume if you wanted your friends "help" then you'd ask for it. They're totally out of line imo. Don't ever change for anyone but yourself!! Xxxxx

Goodness no!

If you were 39 and wanted a family I'd say you would need to consider that a priority, but even so not a failure!

Enjoy your freedom, make lovely friends with less clicky mummy/smug marrieds, save money and enjoy!

@minipie this is what went straight through my mind! They sound condescending and annoying to me

As long as you're planning on moving out of your parents' house soon, then no, not a failure. Financially, what's in the way of getting your own small place or flat-sharing? Are you saving a deposit?

They’re jealous because they’re tied down and you’re free!

You don't know what to say?

...let me help you out here 'FUCK OFF'.

Theres nothing about you that's a failure, except being shit at not culling your 'friends'. These two are bitches not friends!!

your life sounds great, you did well to get out of an EA relationship. You need to heal, & when YOU want to start being open to meeting someone OR choosing to be single. It's a valid choice.

Do you have other friends?

whether you do or not, Ditch the bitches & enjoy your current life!!

GOOD LORD, you are not a failure, and they sound like some weird kind of “mean girls” sorority sisters.
are they really coming to you with concerns now that they both are engaged, like it’s some kind of milestone to find a man (spoiler alert: it’s the easiest thing in the world.)

I bet they look back on this and cringe for their behavior in about 3-5 years.

i have got secondhand embarrassment.

no, you’re not a failure. “Failure” is looking at someone else’s life and deciding you know how it should be lived… and that’s both of them, not you.

keep on , and enjoy your life, OP, and for God’s sake, do not rush into any relationship just to please people who don’t live your life.

I am happy, I get a little bit nervous at times about being “on the shelf”. I guess that’s why their comments cut so deep but it’s not something I’ve actively spoken about with them.

I’m glad I’ve had the life experiences I’ve had before I’ve had children as I know once they come that I might not be able to afford to travel or have the same opportunity for a while.

A failure?! That's ridiculous. I married in my 30's by choice but honestly could also have been happy staying single.

And plenty of people need to temporarily move back home while they get their finances in order. Not at all unusual today.

OP, your "friends" need to be reminded that it's 2023 and women aren't defined by marital status. They sound silly and frankly mean. Ignore them.

There’s nothing wrong with you or your life and your friends need to give their heads a hard wobble. I wouldn’t honestly know what to say to them either.

If you and your mum get along well and you’re happy living together, there’s nothing wrong with that arrangement. If you don’t get on too well with your mum and she cramps your style as an adult, then maybe a flat with others would be a better place to spread your wings.

Most people who haven’t had an abusive relationship have no idea how hard it is or what it takes to recover. Your friends probably don’t get it at all. Having said that, they seem more interfering than concerned, so I’d probably be having a private think about whether they’re a good fit in your life.

@Avarua2 why do you think she needs to move out of her parents house soon?

IF she's happy there & they're happy to have her there, then it's a great arrangement. Wasting money on rent, just to say you don't live 'at home' is stupid. If everyone's happy with the arrangement it's better to save for a deposit, or to travel.

Maybe they're jealous of your freedom while they're tied down with dirty nappies and being skivvy for some man.

They are hoping you can be as miserable as they are

Hiya,

I have lived independently for around ten years, in my own flats and house shares but rent in my area has increased ten fold and it’s now around 900.00 for a one bed flat, with the bills on top of that and my car finance, plus petrol for work id only be left with barely anything.

Your life sounds exciting, their life sounds ordinary, dull and frankly pedestrian, I don’t say this often but I think they are jealous and want you to join them in their dull humdrum ordinary life, honestly don’t let them bring you down.