To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

Wow. You need new friends!
I ham 28 with two children, a husband and a mortgage etc. I have loads of friends my age that are in your position and I would never dream of telling them they think your a failure. Nor do I see them like that!!!

Although I think some of them maybe see us that way as we settled down very young but we have a beautiful life and I wouldn't change it.

You're 29. Live your life and enjoy it. Your friends are arseholes

They're being silly, find new friends! I don't want to be patronising hon but you're only 29! You've done loads already and you sound in a good place to me Tbh. There's plenty of time for settling down and it's not uncommon to have to go home for a bit for whatever reason. I was similar to you. Last stint at home was when I was 31-32, met my now husband at 34, kids at 40 🤷 there's plenty of time for all that 💐

My mother considers my life 'sad and lonely' because I don't have a boyfriend and haven't 'settled down' yet. I'm sure some of my friends think the same.

I travel the world, have lots of friends, have a hobby I love that I spend a lot of time doing, have a fun and well paying job, and am happy.

Yes I would like a boyfriend, but I just haven't found that someone yet. Hopefully I will soon, but I'm not going to give up my lifestyle and 'settle' for the next person that comes along (as my mother thinks I should).

So no OP, I wouldn't consider you a failure.

I agree with a PP that if you live with your parents long term,that may not be the best arrangement for you

But it's difficult to know if they were concerned that this may be a step backwards, or just smug bitches who think partner and children are the only way to succeed in life

Oh God, I can't stand women like this (always seems to be women). I knew two women like this. They seemed to think marriage and children were the only measure of success in life. They always had this smug, patronising, fake concern for female friends who hadn't settled down. I remember many occasions where they'd humiliate someone by saying "Oh I just feel so sad for you. When are you going to find someone? You just don't know true love until you've had a child" etc etc. So incredibly small minded. I'm married with children but still envy single friends, living independently without the same commitments.
Both of my smug friends are now divorced and I admit to having a small amount of schadenfreude given how they used to look down on single friends.

Goodness OP how could you possibly be happy without a man? Surely you can't feel complete? Every woman needs a man to make them happy don't you know? And how could your life have any purpose without children?

Honestly OP I think the 1950's are calling and they want your friends back! In much of the world, living with your parents is perfectly normal and not seen as some sort of 'problem'.

The only failure with marriage and kids would be to be in a relationship that made you unhappy with children you didn't want to have. Anything else is perfectly normal.

The only person who can tell you if you are not living a life you are happy with, is you.

It's sad that 'married with children' is still the default for women in their 30's. The right track 🙄.

If I had my time again, I know I'd be very happy working (without constantly having to struggle through school holidays and illness) and jetting off as often as possible to see the world.

Don't be pressured into someone else's version of a happy life.

I voted YABU simply because you should NOT be allowing these so called "friends" to dictate your life or be so bitchy and judgy. How dare they be so unkind and you should not be listening to this garbage. Having money or a high flying job is not the mark of success- look at how many celebrities get everything they ever wanted (millions, fame, any person they wish to date, pinacle of career success) and end up addicted to drugs or killing themselves.

I wouldnt dream of telling my friends that they are failures just because their lives havent followed the same trajectory as mine- thats pure garbage. We all find our own paths and do what fulfils us and that will be different for everyone. Bin these nasty bitches off and find friends who genuinely love and support you. I promise there are decent people out there but dont conform to an ideal you dont want just to make others happy- that is the fastest route to abject misery that I know.

If you're happy eith how your life is then they just sound particularly catty (or envious). It's great they've ticked off things on their life list. But noone has the same objectives. I'd seek out people with a more open mindset.

Of course you aren’t a failure. I married later (& older than you!) than most of my friends & family & never once did they make me feel like that! I travelled & lived my life. I’d have been perfectly happy to carry on doing that & not have dcs. I then met dh in my early 30’s.

I have friends who haven’t had dcs, or been married & are perfectly fulfilled. Live your life the best way for you not other people.

They are batshit. By the way i have pcos and also have 5 children all concieved without any intervention when i was older than you are now. Its not always a fertility issue.

Be grateful they have revealed their true selfs and make some new friends.

Lots of people have very sexist views about unmarried women.

It’s funny because to my parents and extended family, fhe fact they have children and are not yet married would be viewed with great disapproval……..as people have different ideas of what matters, I suppose. A shame your friends don’t realise that.

What is the right track? Your friends sound dreadful. Just because that's what they want out of life at this age isn't the same for you and you don't need a talking too from them. You are absolutely not a failure

Jesus Christ, please drop those “friends” like a hot stone. They do not want the best for you, but to make themselves feel superior at your expense.

That is just ridiculous to measure your life vs their own . This happened to me with a good friend of 10 years . We became friends because we worked together and got on really well . I then decided to change career and worked hard at that and ultimately was very successful at it . On a night out about seven years later my friend really laid into me for not being married and having kids telling me that I had nothing and was wasting my life - her exact words . I was absolutely appalled because I didn’t see it like that at all ( i was also 29) and we sort of drifted apart after that . It was really strange that she behaved like that because she had had an unplanned teenage pregnancy & a hasty wedding to a man who worked in a slightly shady & unpredictable business and whilst she loved her family dearly she often talked about the career she gave up when she had her son . Nothing wrong with her life path at all - just our lives were clearly very different . I have no idea what triggered her having a go at me but I did get to travel a lot then so maybe she was jealous because she hadn’t been able to do that. Indeed we drifted apart so much I didn’t end up inviting her to my wedding a few years later and I doubt she will know that I have children . It’s pretty sad . I don’t know why she did it or what she hoped to achieve .

@LadyJ2023

I think you are talking utter garbage

Plus if you must be a bitch it's their not there

Oh my gosh your friends sound very smug and self-righteous. You are living a great life from what you say about yourself, in no way a failure!

Not a failure, an inspiration.

There are many people that get pushed into complying with society's expectations. You have a very strong foundation and have not been pushed into a relationship or kids early. You're staying at home, which also means you can build up financial security.

I feel sorry for women who think that marriage and children is all there is for them. What about interests? Career? Travel? Time for others e.g. volunteering or helping neighbours? Ah well, the law of averages states that the next rite of passage for at least one of your friends will be divorce!

I'd remind them that women who are single with no kids are happier.

The important thing is to have your own criteria for what you consider success/ failure to look like. Are you ok with your own life? If yes, then you’re a success! If not, then make changes. Each of us must make our own decisions and choices. It’s very arrogant of your friends to think that their criteria for success are the only ones!

How on earth are you "On The Shelf" or anywhere near it FFS!(Always thought its a stupid saying anyway. I would be looking for some new or extra friends personally.Nothing worse than married/partnered people trying to manage you.Sound like they are a bit envious to me!

I am in the get new "friends" camp. Shacking up with some bloke and popping out kids just for the sake of it is not a measure of success - better to be footloose and fancy free than desperately trying to find a man and have children because you are expected to rather than you want to. Being a strong, independant woman without children is not a badge of shame. And nor is being engaged and having children an indicator of success - give it a few years and it may be an indicator of "stuck at home because childcare is unaffordable" or "dependant on a man's income" or even "single parent with rubbish ex"!