To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

You need new friends.

They sound like haters! You have all the freedom and they don’t

Maybe they’re worried they’re losing your friendship as they see your life heading in a different trajectory. Start to loosen your strong ties with this friendship group and find new friends who are more on your wavelength.
You’re not a failure you’re 29 with plenty more great experiences ahead of you, be true to yourself.

You're not a failure but they maybe well intentioned if you've mentioned wanting
partner
Kids
or reticence in moving in with parents
Only you know if they're genuine.

Oh my goodness absolutely NOT a failure! I think you need new friends. I can only imagine how hurtful that was to hear, I would strongly believe it’s down to jealousy and the fact they are settled and a bit bored! Everyone’s on their own timeline and 29 is the best age to enjoy doing all the things you won’t be able to do once you settle down (solo travelling etc..) I’m sorry you’ve been through this, but absolutely not a failure and keep doing you!

This is a jealous friend issue, not a you issue. You're 29, have a career and are able to travel the world- enjoy it!

I went for tea last week with a friend, we’re in our 40s, she’s single with no children. She was telling me about a solo trip she’d just had where she relaxed on a lounger reading, swam, ate great food and wandered. It sounded amazing. I was quite jealous! She would have liked children but she is coming to terms with the fact it may not happen. I also love the fact she has never ‘settled’, that’s how most of the threads on here about terrible husbands and fathers happen I’m sure.

I love my life and my family but having a partner and children is not the ultimate goal. I also love to travel and love food and trying new things but I’m not able to do that as I’d like in my current phase of life.

So long as you are happy then it’s fine!

You seem to have been using your time very well. Don't be dragged down by 'concerned friends' expectations of you to do what they are doing.
You travel, earn your own money, have a masters degree, car and are only 29. You must set your own priorities, and having a family when you are young may not be one. Perhaps you may never want kids. That does not mean you are wasting your life. Have adventures, life is for experiencing, not necessarily for family routine. You can bet your friends are jealous.

I literally had to wait until I put my baby down to reply to this as I knew it would be a lengthy reply and couldn't be arsed to type it one handed...

Your friends are not being good friends, and that's fine, we outgrow people sometimes and I think this is very much a case of the closest part of your friendships here having run their course. Life has just gone in a different direction for you and they are being very closed minded. I can't imagine being 29 and thinking that if you hadn't found a man and been impregnated then you were an old maid!
To say life is passing you by is crazy, I'm 31 and just had my first baby and my god I wish I'd travelled America solo at 28 and lived in 4 cities in my 20s! You sound like you are enjoying life, have a good outlook on things and are being rational about your current circumstances. I suspect moving back in with your mum has been the catalyst for this 'intervention' but your situation is probably not dissimilar from lots of people in their 20s right now given cost of living, etc. It's sad that they have clearly spoken about this without you present and decided to have this chat with you. As for the PCOS and 'having babies only getting harder' fuck that... there is no reason on this earth to have a baby before you feel ready - whenever that is. I personally am going to adopt my 2nd as carrying and giving birth has been pretty shitty for me (multiple life threatening complications for both me and baby!) and I'm expecting older members of the family to frown upon that but no-ones opinion is going to stop me doing things my way. Please don't let this get you down or feel like a failure, they are judging you by their (very specific) yardstick and wouldn't life be boring if we all did the same old, predictable things!!
Keep travelling solo, keep saving, keep moving, keep hustling in your job. Maybe one day they will look back and realise they gave it all up too soon...

xx

A bit late to the party with this one, but for what it’s worth - I married my emotionally abusive partner at 29 and had my absolutely wonderful baby boy at 30. I was dreadfully unhappy in my relationship and it ended by the time I was 32 due to him finally hitting me. I am now a single mother. (To me this reads, FREEDOM).

You escaped an abusive relationship and have taken time to heal, well done you. I wouldn’t change anything about my life because it all culminated in me having my son whom I adore. But maybe you’ll get the chance for a proper ‘happily ever after’ now with the right person, IF that’s what you want. Do whatever fulfils you and makes you happy. Your friends may be trying to help in a misguided way, applying what they think is the right path for them, to your life. Follow your own path.

Absolutely not though your salary is not relevant to me, being well travelled is not relevant, degrees not relevant, own car not relevant and living in different places not relevant. You have a stable life and are holding down a job. That's all good. That said, I wouldn't call anyone a failure. I think your friends have a very narrow view of what you should be doing with your life. Ignore them. You need to live the life that suits you, not them.

Omg you have done SO much already. This should be the time of your life. If you were my daughter I would advise you to keep options open but don't wait for opportunities to come knocking. If there is something you want go for it but otherwise you do you.

Fwiw my neighbours son lives with his parents in their detached garage. He has no plans to move out and he is in his 30s and that's OK. His parents are fine about it too!

Most importantly, do you think you're A failure?

But no for what its worth I don't think you are.

You have a nice job, your living situation is the failure of the present government being unable to rein in the cost of living crisis. Not a personal failure of you.

Being single isn't failing. M e n are for the most part awful and whilst having kids is great, motherhood is thankless and bloody hard.

Enjoy your life And focus on what you have, not what you haven't.

What you have #4 is pretty splendid
The rest is just cool but doesn't make you better or more accomplished.

What you arent is settled and complying to society's standards. And there is nothing wrong with that at all.

But...Considering they are your actual friends i would think that maybe they arent wrong and your behaviour may fit that one of a young 20. Not a almost 30.
And the fact you haven't shrugged it off straight away probably indicates that that even you see some underlying issues?

God is this what females still see as a priority in life...kids and a man 🙄

OP if you were my daughter I'd be very proud you'd decided to do "your thing " .

The only advice I'd give you is to work on your self esteem and choose your next partner Wisley..... know your worth.😉

You are obviously NOT a failure. And you are in no way on the shelf at 29! But tbh, I think moving back in with your mum should only be a short term thing.

I remember being concerned when a friend did the same. Yes it saved her money, but it negatively impacted her social life really. She couldn’t ever host people at hers, and some resented that and stopped including her as they felt she never did her share of hosting. Other single friends were dating and sometimes that would lead to ‘overnights’, but she couldn’t have men back to her mums ever. And single guys we knew didn’t find it appealing that she lives with her mum.

So I’d assume
the best from your friends and assume that they are just concerned that they want to see your
life moving forwards, not backwards.

This comes from a place of jealousy. You need new friends!

🙄At 29 I was still a virgin.
Nothing wrong with you!

I moved in with my parents for 4 months at the age of 46 after my marriage breakdown. Best thing i did at the time as gave me breathing space to heal and recover and decide next moves while getting my dinner made for me. I was happy to move on (having to justify what time i went to bed grated once I started to feel better) but I will be forever grateful to my mum and dad for giving me that time and space.

Your doing very well you made it independant your own money job car you have not made bad choices you are making your dream why except less with men they are extended part of yourself you have not met yet but its not a contract saying you have to be with one in life you have did what most dream of hard work children are a choice you either settle and hardly any money you got your career first dont settle for second best enjoy what life path has given you

If it helps, I wouldn't consider you a failure at all - you are living the best life you can, given constraints. Pcos, dealing with the repercussions of an abusive ex, not earning a gazillion pounds a month are constraints which shape your life. You should be proud of everything you are doing, not trying to live up to other people's expectations of the life you should be living.

Also, it's a very cultural thing to feel the need to move out of family home and live independently. No reason why your mum can't be your housemate. I'm 45 and I would love to live in a bigger house withfamily, regardless of financial reasons. It is always great to have parents staying months with me when they visit.

I am always telling my kids there is more than one way to live a life. There are so many options out there.

We cannot predict the future. Someone whose life is ‘textbook’ aged 35 may see it fall apart aged 40.

One thing I will say is that I am in my 50s and am so glad I didn’t have my kids till my thirties. My twenties were about not having those responsibilities. No regrets.

@SparklyBlackKitten seriously ? You sound like you are one of the OP's friends.
What I will say is that the majority of people on here are saying there is nothing wrong with being single and having no kids but I still think the reality is very different. As a long term single woman I know this very well. It should be the case that women are not seen as failures if they don't have a man or kids but there is still an awfully long way to go.

29 is definitely too young for an intervention! And also definitely not a failure. I had a friend like this, I ghosted them in the end.