To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

[Ladybirdshere]

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
3. I can drive and have my own car
4. I have a degree and a masters
5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

My experience is that living long-term with parents really reduces the odds of finding a LT partner/marriage, so I'd be cautious about doing this as a LT arrangement IF the OP wants marriage and children. It's easy to kind of "marry your own parents" - you get into a comfort zone and get the emotional support from parents that you would have got from a partner, and then putting yourself out there trying to date feels like harder work. A nicer and comfier physical environment at home can make you feel less inclined to go out and seek socialization with others. I've seen this happen with several people I know.

I'm not supporting the tactics of the OP's friends, however, who sound crass in the extreme.

They might've been more worried about you moving in with your mum and that you might get stuck in a rut. My cousin did this, and never moved out as it probably was easier and made sense but she ended up being a recluse and not doing much. It might be more that they think you might be a little bit depressed and unmotivated in general and are worried about you. I'm trying to come from a different perspective and that they want good things for you even though they obviously went about it the wrong way

That expression "on the shelf" - along with spinster - give me the creeps. It's so negative towards women, misogynistic, it's all about women's engrained role in society as only being put on earth to fulfil the role of marriage + children while the menz do fab exciting things as "footloose and fancy-free bachelors" and if women don't comply that makes them a failure.

success is what you determine for your life, what these so-called friends think doesn't come into it.

believe me, they didn't give you that pep-talk out of concern or the goodness of their heart. They have shown you who they are, unable to perceive a life outside the limitations of what society used to sentence women to, back in the dark ages. They probably feel threatened. They're the failure!

I'd definitely consider changing your friends, but don't give them the satisfaction of thinking they've upset you.

You sound delightful.

They might be divorced at 36 and you might get married at 35. With PCOS you might have mu h more eggs to work with and have twins. Plan your life but enjoy the journey.

There’s nothing at all wrong with sharing with your Mum. Nothing. You’re lucky you get along, and you don’t have to get stuck in a marriage that may or may not work.

marriages that happen for the wrong reasons (like: a person’s age, or keeping up with friends, or ‘settling down,’ as your friends said) can wind up being mistakes, and then where would you be?

they are wrong.

Nope.

who are they to judge.

Wow, how dare they??? OP I hope that you have other friends/family that lift you up not put you down.

Your life sounds great honestly. I didn’t have my 2 kids til 35/40 and before then lived MY life, partied/travelled/built my career etc.

carry on doing what you want to do, trust in the universe and the rest will fall into place x

You sound as if you have your life sorted and they seem jealous of you

Except that they’re not actually married. If they haven’t set a date yet, I’d keep pressing them for a date for their own nuptials.
They should concentrate on their own lives.

Omg, that is awful!

what an ambush!

And no, not a loser, you sound fab!

Their behaviour is so weird as to be almost unbelievable.

I am absolutely not one for urging people to cut friendships out of their lives, but in this case, I’d definitely be urging you to at least evaluate your friendship with these two women.

As someone who has good friends in their life and knows what good friendship is, believe me, what you’re describing does not constitute friendship.

Do you even want children?!
They sound dreadful and judgemental

No one is a loser and you need new friends.

Tell them it's no longer the 1950s, and to piss off.

You need better friends.

You need new friends. They are either smug marrieds, jealous or stuck in a Jane Austen book and think successful is only defined by marital status and having children.
You absolutely don't need to justify why you are living at home.
If you were drinking too much, taking drugs or gambling I could understand them doing this intervention. However, just because you are living a different life doesn't mean your way is wrong.
I think you are wise after a horrible breakup to take time. Travelling and living in different places means you are not afraid to try new things.
We on here are staging another intervention - get different friends. These ones are not friends. They are patronising, condescending bitches.

@Kokeshi123

Thanks for your thoughtful answer.

Here’s the thing, I have picked up on two things from reading between the lines.

1 - you were in an abusive relationship.
2 - you have moved back in with your mother.

I think when you have been in an abusive relationship, from my own experience, it’s not uncommon for friendships to also have similar abusive qualities. Have you done the freedom program?

Please do not take this the wrong way. I don’t know you but you sound lovely and honestly very few people at 29 are ‘sorted’. Worst thing you can do is rush into a bad marriage. Living in 4 different places and traveling might seem chaotic to them. To me it sounds like a perfectly valid choice which you were able to make because you could afford it.

Job wise, I don’t know if it’s a high or low income for the job you have. Only you know if it’s a job that fulfills you and if it’s a role that will lead to another which provides enough funds for life.

If they are true friends they wouldn’t have said it in such a bitchy way and they should be supporting you if they think you can do better.

You're being sensible to move home and save for a deposit. Please make sure you are doing this, say over a 3 year period. You don't want to get too comfy back with mum and end up there permanently. It could also put potential bf's off 'still living with mum '. So, SAVE, SAVE, SAVE.

This is disturbing. Your friends sound as if they are actually pretty abusive. In no sane universe can you be described as a failure and they know that. Their lives sound small compared to yours and they probably resent the fact that you aren’t falling over yourself to couple up with anyone who will have you because basically that’s what they have done.

They are small minded arseholes and you need better friends.

You are not a failure. You’re just living a different sort of life. And it sounds wonderful!

You are not a failure OP in the slightest it sounds like you are a very accomplished 29 year old. Rents are crazy at the moment and you have made the wise choice to move in with your parents, this way hopefully you can save more and work towards getting your own place. Sounds like your friends are a tad jealous.

So basically you're a failure unless you're married and have kids? Absolute rubbish.

You are not a failure.
Your friends are just noticing you are stagnating on the dating front when they see you as a great catch.
Your friends are reminding you that you, if you are female, have a definite body clock.

This might seem harsh but it is reality and if having a family is high on your 'to do' list then you need to brave up and meet some new people with a view of finding a partner worthy of you for the long term.

I think your friends hope you don't drop off the radar because of a bad break up years ago.
Could this be true?
Do you feel afraid of meeting someone new?
Do you hope for a family?