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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’d consider me a failure? Be honest.

453 replies

Ladybirdshere · 17/04/2023 01:34

I met with friends on Saturday I’ve been friends with for around 10 years. We are very close, meeting up twice a month on average and share things about our life.

Well Saturday turned out to be a sort of intervention for me by my two friends. They said that they wanted to speak to me as they’d been talking and they felt that life was passing me by and that they felt I wasn’t doing much with my life.

l I think this was mainly focused around around boyfriends and living situation as we are all 29, I am single but my friends are both engaged and both have children.

Anyway, would you consider me a failure?

  1. I work in advertising for 32k a year
  2. I’m well travelled, last year I went travelling around America on my own
  3. I can drive and have my own car
  4. I have a degree and a masters
  5. Ive lived in 4 different cities in the past ten years

but I don’t have

  1. a partner, I’ve been single around a three years. I had a really bad breakup and simply haven’t found a new person
  2. i recently moved back in with my mum as my finances changed and it meant I couldn’t afford living alone.
  3. I don’t have any children

Am I a failure? We sort of agreed to disagree and they said they wanted to just make sure I stayed on the right track :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladybirdshere · 17/04/2023 02:12

I also wanted to add that if I was going to move in a house share, I’d rather share with my mum as she struggles financially and appreciates the help for now.

I am saving hard for a deposit as the mortgage on a small flat in my area is a lot cheaper than the rent.

OP posts:
SorePaw · 17/04/2023 02:13

Ladybirdshere · 17/04/2023 02:02

I am happy, I get a little bit nervous at times about being “on the shelf”. I guess that’s why their comments cut so deep but it’s not something I’ve actively spoken about with them.

I’m glad I’ve had the life experiences I’ve had before I’ve had children as I know once they come that I might not be able to afford to travel or have the same opportunity for a while.

Once you have kids you'll never be able to have the same experiences again!! Ever. It's not 'fir a while' it's 'forever'. Life changes, priorities change, commitments change, other travellers change-they get SO young 😉. As much as you want to still be dancing on tables at the Oktoberfest or sleeping on the beach in Spain, or taking seasonal jobs, you just don't fit in anymore.. it sucks.

there's a ton of time for settling down.

Live YOUR life.

GlitterSquid · 17/04/2023 02:14

Absolute snipes.

I'm 42, single, no children, own home, striving in a male dominated career after having to step back and return to Mum's for financial reasons in my late 20's/early 30's too and I consider myself very lucky.

It WILL come right for you, housing wise, when you're ready, and although I've seen some happy relationships and family units I've also seen some bloody awful situations I'm glad not to have got myself into.

Your friends are living very narrow, blinkered lives. You follow your own path, even if it is the path less trodden. Flowers

Woopzies · 17/04/2023 02:16

What are your friends like in general? It's impossible to say whether they mean well with so little context - despite what previous poster's might say.

I'm known to be the 'harsh truth' friend so my perspective on this would be that what your friends said was fine as long as it was reasonably and logically portrayed to you - i.e., free of maliciousness. Anything else and it would be unacceptable - but that's a judgement call none of us can make OP.

If I were you I'd either be getting rid, or be very grateful that my friends care enough - and feel close enough - to share their concerns.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 17/04/2023 02:16

Ladybirdshere · 17/04/2023 02:12

I also wanted to add that if I was going to move in a house share, I’d rather share with my mum as she struggles financially and appreciates the help for now.

I am saving hard for a deposit as the mortgage on a small flat in my area is a lot cheaper than the rent.

Not that you need to justify yourself to anyone, but this sounds like a sensible arrangement. And fairly typical these days has well.

StarsInTheCountry · 17/04/2023 02:19

They’re not being great friends OP.

People who don’t have a partner or children aren’t a failure, that’s such a bizarre way to measure people.

It sounds like you’ve had an interesting life, travelling and living in different places. And lucky you, having a mum you can move back in with when things are a bit tough. Another positive in your life.

Most importantly, you said you were happy. There’s literally nothing here that says failure! What a horrible way to refer to a friend regardless of circumstances anyway.

Coyoacan · 17/04/2023 02:21

As long as you're planning on moving out of your parents' house soon, then no, not a failure. Financially, what's in the way of getting your own small place or flat-sharing? Are you saving a deposit?

What on earth is wrong with living with one's parents if everyone is happy with the situation?

You sound very successful actually, OP. I'm sorry your friends have such a narrow view of what entails success

Farmerama1 · 17/04/2023 02:25

You need new friends, seriously. Your life sounds fine to me, you sound like an interesting and thoughtful person who has plans.

TryingToAdapt · 17/04/2023 02:33

bellsbuss · 17/04/2023 01:41

They sound like smug arseholes

This 100%.

Time to distance yourself from these utter dickheads. Who the fuck do they think they are? You are in no way a failure!

Ponderingwindow · 17/04/2023 02:37

You are well educated, have a career, and are making a hard choice to deal with financial challenges. I would not call that a failure.

If anything, I would think your friends need the intervention, not you. Spend any time on mumsnet and you will notice a pattern of threads from women in your friends position facing problems because they prioritized children over career and marriage. It works out for some, but it’s a riskier path.

evuscha · 17/04/2023 02:37

You are not a failure at all! And not to be mean but their smug smiles could quickly disappear if they find themselves cheated on/divorced few years down the line….

For what is worth, I was exactly like you when I was 29 (except not living at home but I think you’re smart to save for the deposit). Single, well traveled, decent job, I just moved to London at the time. I was watching half of my friends getting married and having kids, but the other half were in the same boat and honestly some of them still are 7 years later (I’m 36 now).
I met my DH a year later, we got married and are expecting our second now. I’m pretty happy I managed to have my fun and adventures before this!

If you’re concerned about your fertility, maybe look into freezing your eggs?

blackpearwhitelilies · 17/04/2023 02:39

Your friends sound ridiculous, pompous and insensitive.

blackpearwhitelilies · 17/04/2023 02:39

You sound well rounded, sensible and most definitely not a failure.

momonpurpose · 17/04/2023 02:42

You are not a failure. However these people are failing as friends! You my dear have your whole life ahead of you. Perhaps they are regretting their choices and taking it out on you

momonpurpose · 17/04/2023 02:43

Also screw them! Get new friends

LaForza101 · 17/04/2023 02:49

I would be interested in your friends' reactions if you said your life goal was to never have kids and travel the world/start your own business/join a circus/direct a film/etc.

Would they be supportive? Would they still be your friends? Or do they only want to be around people who make the same life choices as them?

I don't know why people are like that as it is much more interesting having a wide circle of friends with everyone pursuing different life paths.

It sounds like you have already achieved lots of goals that don't align with their own. Maybe you also want the same thing as them down the line but they sound like narrow-minded friends and not worth being around.

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 02:52

So friends for over 10 years and you think it's a great idea to ask total strangers who don't know you to answer your question with there random ideas and opinions. That in itself is bad judgement. All I can say is friends for that long are worth keeping and listening to as they know you and only briefly from me if your back at mums for financial problems then maybe there's a point in some of what they say. 🙂

StarsInTheCountry · 17/04/2023 02:53

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 02:52

So friends for over 10 years and you think it's a great idea to ask total strangers who don't know you to answer your question with there random ideas and opinions. That in itself is bad judgement. All I can say is friends for that long are worth keeping and listening to as they know you and only briefly from me if your back at mums for financial problems then maybe there's a point in some of what they say. 🙂

🙄

OldFan · 17/04/2023 02:53

Wow @Ladybirdshere I don't know of anyone with friends that would do this 😮 I mean, they could lightly express their opinion maybe but not as full-on as this sounds.

The only bit I personally wouldn't want is living at home. I'd rather be in a room in a shared house if I couldn't afford a flat.

StandingMyGround888 · 17/04/2023 02:55

Not remotely a failure. Your friends are cunts, sorry.

Somersetgirl1 · 17/04/2023 02:55

Not a failure at all. As many other folk have said, the only area I would change would be my friends!!!!! A fucking intervention......perhaps if you were on the 'rocky road to ruin' - but why? Because you're not married. There are plenty that have been through awful marriages - but I think it gets sold to women as the ONLY way you can be happy.....a sort of hideous, 1050's type ;washes whiter' advert!

The issue of living at home - so what? If you get on with parents its win win.....you get to save for the future and spend time getting to know them as adults. I am currently looking for quite a large house to also accommodate my mum - we get on fab and she is 87 and will need lifts to hospital etc and it has been really positive......I don't think I will ever get her to stop ironing knickers though!!!!!!! People have assumed this is some sort of burden - maybe it would be for them but not for me. Same for you - if you are happy with it for the time being great......but DO find new pals, you sound like you have a lot going for you so don't let them bring you down

Back21970 · 17/04/2023 02:56

I am astounded that young women like your friends would have this attitude nowadays.

I am 58 and recall when I was in my late 20’s an older woman at work say to me that if a girl wasn’t engaged or married by 25 there was something far wrong!

I really thought things had moved on and comments like that would be laughed at - sadly when I was younger there was pressure to ‘conform’ to certain stereotypes and I imagine in my mothers time it was a lot worse.

Your life sounds great OP, don’t feel pressure to change for anyone or think you are missing out - your friends sound like a pair of loonies with too much time on their hands 😂

OldFan · 17/04/2023 02:56

I knew someone who had a lot of people that would make digs at her.

She was convinced it was because they were jealous of her. In reality it probably wasn't 100% that in her case, but it's something to consider.

OldFan · 17/04/2023 02:58

Are you more conventionally attractive than them? Some people do find themselves in friendships where there are a lot of status games etc.

onlylarkin · 17/04/2023 02:59

You are not a failure. They are suffering from an Old Maid syndrome IMO. Maybe they feel like they need to rescue you from not being married? 🙄