DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

This is ridiculous. I'm a single parent teacher. On the week the kids were at their dad's I decorated a room, did a tip / charity shop run (having sorted stuff for each first), wanted to mow the lawn and make it not look utterly shit but rain prevented that, did about 12 admin jobs and 6 tech issues relating to various consoles, laptops, family accounts etc. On each day I would start about ten, so lazy start, have an hour or so in the middle of the day and be sat down for an evening. On the week the kids are with me, we had three days out of the house, a half day running errands and a bit of downtime watching TV etc. Three days completely to himself, maybe one of them you do fuck all but the rest you crack on and participate in life. Not sorting the uniform in full is a really good example of how (some) men justy do not think anything through and need all te details either spelled out or done for them. Used to drive me up the wall with ex. When the kids were babies, I ended up doing all the night feeds because I prepped things in advance, put what would be needed easily to hand etc. I could be up, feed baby (bottle) and back in bed in 20 mins. He would take ages to rouse, faff about realising there wasn't a clean bottle, trip over things, not know where a muslin or spare dummy was etc. I'd be awake through all this so I ended up just doing it. V irritating. In short OP, YANBU.

I bet single parent teachers, who don't have someone else to pick up the slack, struggle through

But he's not a single parent, so he doesn't have to struggle through 🤷‍♀️

So hes allowed to be exhausted and sit there doing noting meanwhile his wife should just get on with it even thuogh she works full time aswell?

Thank you, that’s a really lovely post and very well put. The irony is I’M the one with the ‘big job’ - have always been the breadwinner and have always put in long hours (into a job I genuinely enjoy and feel fulfilled by). But that’s never prevented me from being a hands-on parent in all the daily things, as well as shouldering the ‘mental load’ stuff as well.

You’re absolutely right about the presents; I bought this one as I was doing a similar order for someone else and thought his Gran would like it too (personalised photo thing). It’s literally sat, in its parcel, for 3 months and feels really indicative of the wider problem. I KNOW someone will say I should have sent it 😂

We had a load of building work done to the house - I project-managed builders, painters, plasterers and plumbers. The one thing I asked him to do was to sort the scaffolding. He rang one company and left a message, then asked me, in a panic, if I could find a scaffolder a week before we had everyone start as he couldn’t easily find an alternative during work hours. So I did, because it needed doing, in between MY work. But I’m tired of being the default fixer for our family and I don’t know how to communicate that when his response is similar to some of those on here - that I need to let more things go, take a chill pill etc.

I’m making him sound an absolute arse, and he really really isn’t, but this feels really problematic right now.

What's he going to be like in the summer holidays?

And what effect does that have on his wife’s physical and mental health?

If you want to spend all your free time on ‘self improvement’ don’t get married and don’t have kids.

Also the whole ‘he’s a teacher give him a break’ thing is ridiculous. He choose to do that job, no-one forced him, if he finds it so stressful he can’t function and be a productive member of the household outside of work he needs to find a new job.

No. This is why I said it's a communication break down. Resentment kills marriages, so they need to talk this through before the OP gets any more burned out from seething.

If my partner gave me a patronising to do list with shiz on there like ‘oil the table’ on my annual leave days he’d be getting told where to shove the list! YABU.. give the man a break he probably thought ‘f this’ midway through oiling your table!

what really annoys me about your DH's attitude, is that a lot of these household tasks, when there aren't kids around, aren't that stressful.

I spent most of Saturday sorting out stuff after our holiday. We have piles and piles of washing from pre-holiday and during holiday plus bedding and towels as we had a house sitter so it's 2 weeks' worth. General unpacking etc. I pottered around putting loads on, moving stuff around, putting things away and it really wasn't terribly onerous. I also had tv on in the background etc.

So he really has no excuse. DH took DS to football and then had a similar afternoon - pottered around mowing the grass and doing some general garden maintenance with a podcast on etc. Neither of us rushed to do these chores - we took it slow and relaxed.

I don't blame you for being annoyed. Although I'd be MORE annoyed about his inability to sort the uniform than anything else.

Honestly, I’m tempted to pull DC2 out of nursery in July due to going to school in Sept, not book DC1 into any holiday clubs, and save £1k while he picks up the childcare.

If he was looking after them all day, I wouldn’t care (as much!) if he wasn’t posting presents or fixing things, it would lessen my resentment a lot. I think some people have missed the point that he HASN’T been doing childcare AND he hasn’t been doing anything round the house.

He’s rather pathetic, isn’t he, OP. Alternatively, he’s deliberately feigning uselessness in order to force you to do everything yourself.
I had a much more stressful job than him - hospital doctor, specialising in anaesthesia and intensive care. Widowed with a baby and a 2 year old. Still managed to do all the DIY, gardening, housework, shopping, admin and present sending, in the days before the internet when all shopping had to be done in person. Tell him to shape up or piss off.

@Axahooxa
"He’s a teacher and he made a good decision. That job will make you ill if you don’t take a chance to rest. I’ve made similar decisions for myself to prioritise my health. He looks after the kids and does the basics- the other jobs sometimes need to wait."

He doesn't look after the kids, the nursery, his wife and his parents do that.

He doesn't do the basics; his child's uniform was still screwed up at the bottom of their bad where it had been festering for 2 weeks; despite a reminder asking him to wash and sort it for the next day.

Having clean clothes for your children is a pretty basic parenting requirement and he failed at that.

I'm not quite sure what these "basic" tasks are that you think this man is doing?

As a fellow teacher, if a colleague turned up late on their first day back after Easter and you had to cover their class as well as your own because he hadn't sorted his DC's school clothes in the last 3 days he had off (child free), would that not piss you off even a little bit?

Which many, many parents manage to do.

This! I honestly can't believe how many people get themselves so stressed and angry over things that don't really need doing or things that aren't done to their standards.

My partner and I are opposites when it comes to domestic chores, they're much tidier than I am, will do laundry as soon as theirs enough for a load, will do dishes immediately after tea, will wipe/clean/hoover whenever they see a spot/dust/hair/etc. So they do more (most) of the cleaning.

On the other hand I'm far more particular about food. I like fresh meals, cooked from scratch, they will happily survive on microwave meals. So I do pretty much all of the cooking (including planning and buying). I also like to know when things are due, how much they're costing, and whether they're going to cost more or less next time, so I do more (most) of the admin stuff like insurances, Internet/phone contracts, mots, etc.

We used to have regular arguments over my "laziness" until I asked them why I'm expected to change my behaviour to meet their higher standards of tidying but, they're not expected to change theirs to meet my higher standards of cooking or life admin.

Apparently they're just not "as good as me" at cooking or keeping track of all the comimgs and goings. Well, turns out I'm just not as good at tidying as them or at seeing mess. We've now got an understanding and the arguments have stopped.

As for things like not sending granny's gift, that's on him. Stop covering for him and if granny is upset she receives nothing he'll have to own it.

Have you seen it then?

I’m presuming as it it was a shared list of household jobs, that the OP put together and promoted him on to try to get him to pull his weight.

I wonder how the OP spends her leave. Doing everything as normal I suspect.

Teaching is not so stressful as to to require days and days of absolutely fuck all, to ‘recover’. Come off it.

Teaching is tiring and stressful. But I don't know that I'd have spent a two week holiday completely with my in-laws, then my own parents. Where is the 'down' time where you are just at home doing nothing and enjoying that? I hate staying with other people- there is no privacy, they have expectations of you and you can't just do what you like. He probably came home after being at his parents and just needed that down-time.

We didn't go away at all this Easter holidays - just pottered locally with our 3 DC. No stress at all. DH has slept, walked, run, played with the DC, cooked nice meals, bern to the cinema together, we've had days out, ice creams, he's spent some time marking and getting sorted for this term. He looks much less knackered.

Do the jobs really matter? World won't end because they aren't done. He should have posted his grandma's present though.

I do think it's pretty pathetic actually. Most working adults need some downtime but also recognise they need to get shit done! I don't see why it had to be all or nothing. Why couldn't be have put the little one in nursery, had a quiet couple of hours with a coffee and a book/gone back to bed/ lycrad up and gone for a bike ride or whatever he does to relax and then spent the rest of the day doing some of the things that needed doing?

Table didn’t get oiled

so what?!

life is short. Everyone - man, female, parent or child free deserve to have a break and a rest.

lighten up op!

Teacher here. My 3 child free days (I’m single parent so they went to their dad’s) were spent mostly doing nothing constructive. I had huge plans to get house sorted and also my school planning for next term. I spent Easter Day getting up early with the kids who wanted an egg hunt before going to their dad’s. Then went to meet my mum for lunch and spent some time at her house after. Went home and watched tv. Easter Monday was a PJ day. I looked at my laptop. House and work admin was ignored and I binged watched tv. Tuesday went pretty similar but had to pick one of the kids up around tea time.

The rest of the holidays were fairly relaxed with the kids. Got some washing through the machine and dried. First weekend the uniforms were washed and ironed. Then last night I spent ages ironing the rest of the washing that had piled up over the holidays. First week wasn’t a rest as had to take one child to camp daily - she’s autistic and needs a planned routine. So once dropped off me and the youngest busied ourselves. Weather wasn’t great so we did a few morning walks and she did lots of indoor crafting whilst I zonked out on the sofa. She’s old enough to get on with her own things. By the end of the first week none of us felt refreshed as we had set the alarm daily even. Though the youngest and I hadn’t really done much.

I ended up getting my school planning and training complete this last week, whilst the kids chilled out watching tv and crafting etc. Bits of the house got tidied and cleaned. But it still looks an absolute tip!!

For OP, the comment about the financial advisor - you’ve had the money sitting 6 months and needs something doing with. It’s not really doing any harm other than not making money. Who’s inheritance is it? On the time you’ve sent your DH a list and been on MN complaining about him you could have sent the email yourself. If it’s his money, let it sit. If it’s your money sort it out. I’m guessing it’s his but going in a family pot, fair enough, but money you didn’t have. FWIW I’m waiting for some inheritance coming. Money came through to solicitors about a month ago. Solicitor has been on holiday since. I could get worked up about it but I’m not. It’ll come to me when it does and I’ll take my time deciding what I’ll do with it.

The grand mother gift is already late. Let him deal with it when he gets round to it. He could have gone to the post office after dropping youngest at nursery but I don’t think blokes think about joining those dots and getting jobs ticked off in one go.

Im on a group for teachers who are trying to leave the profession. It’s so sad. People are genuinely burnt out. Many are on long term sick and barely even to function daily never mind getting all these jobs done. Many are not taking time of sick and forcing themselves through the terms til they get to holidays in burn out. It’s genuine. You haven’t mentioned your DH having school work to do whilst he’s been off over the Easter break? Has he been doing this on his days child free? Or has he not given school a thought? Or has he done what I’ve done and spent lots of time putting it off??

Him not making sure his children's uniform is ready for going back to school is unacceptable. That he wouldn't even think about it til you suggest it is even worse.

@celticprincess But your situation and OP's DH are totally different. For a start, you're a single parent so you're dealing with a lot more on a day to day basis. In addition, you had a grand total of 3 days off.

OP's DH, on the other hand, has a wife who is there to handle the vast bulk of the mental load as well as doing the bulk of chores etc. In addition, during his time off, he spent a week at his parents where, if I'm understanding OP correctly, the DC were looked after by his wife and/or his parents a great deal so he wasn't exactly on 100% childcare. Also, reading between lines, while at his parents, he certainly wasn't doing cooking, cleaning etc.

Then, he had a few days with just one DC, who was in nursery during the day.

I mean, sure, if OP expected him to get 8 hours of chores done every day, absolutely, not okay. But he could have done a few bits and pieces to keep things ticking over surely!?

The weather was dire last week. But he should have been able to post his granny's birthday present!

I think you both need time to yourself.

I think YABU to not let him have some downtime from teaching (or any job which is being “on” all the time).

I think he is BU for not just posting the parcel from home - it’s like 0p-70p extra. to have it collected by the post from your door. Especially as it’s his relative.

But life is far too busy in this season of your life to oil a table! It’s one thing if it’s his hobby, it’s another if it’s a chore.

And it doesn’t matter if you don’t think teaching is the most stressful job in the world because it’s not your life. You can be stressed in jobs you think are easy too.
Although when I was teaching- a long time ago now - there were phases when I was so overstimulated - one day at a village fair I couldn’t cope with the noise of the announcements plus the activities plus all the people. Another holiday I literally ran away - as in left the school on the last evening, got on the train to Heathrow and caught a flight to Bilbao - and slept in the hotel for a day before I felt I could get up. (It was the most blissful and best self care thing I could have ever done for myself.)

Right now hubby is a bit stressed out at work and I’ve organised to take the kids away this week - before I’ve booked him in a b&b down the road so he could have a few nights peace. It’s not because he moans - it’s because I love him and him being stressed, having a break down or being ill from it is good for none of us.
However he is very very good at home and the best dad. He doesn’t phone it in.

Also, can I just highlight that although I truly believe teachers do a great job, the OP has been working 15 hour days recently.

Where's the concern for her burning out?

Just because he's a teacher, doesn't make him a saint.

And if teachers salaries are bad (hence the strikes etc) then one can presume the OP's 15 hour days are due to the bulk of the family income coming from her as well.

So she doesn't just have the mental load on her shoulders, she has the physical load and the bulk of the income load as well.

I'm struggling to see how people are defending this guy. Everything he doesn't do is another thing for the OP to do, or worry about, or his colleagues to do (such as cover for him when he's late due to his own inefficiencies).

Yes to this 💯 he looked after all 3 for a day while I was ill, but in reality that’s DC3 as DCs 1 and 2 are welded to their grandparents. MIL took them for a morning so we could go for lunch while DC3 napped and I took them all out for a morning so he could have a break. The rest of the time we were both ‘on’ parenting duty, so to speak.

The women cooked (🙄) and the men stacked the dishwasher. It was not a taxing time for him!