DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

He would have no problem with me taking 3 days off work to recharge (would be v supportive), but tbh that feels like a luxury

Stop being a martyr.

Interesting how divisive this is - pretty reflective of the situation here.

On the one hand - he’s a teacher, it’s really hard (it is), life’s too short, we should be prioritising down time and mental health more.

But on the other hand, all the things still need doing by someone - and yes, they actually do all need doing, maybe not this week, but at some point.

Another (live!) example - as part of my ‘controlling’ nature yesterday, in addition to packing up and checking out, I sent DH a text to ask him to make sure DC1’s uniform was sorted. This morning, DC1 has an ironed school shirt but doesn’t know where the rest of the uniform is. DH asks me if I’ve seen it. The answer is no, I haven’t, but if I’d been him, after I got DC3 to bed last night, I’d have been packing school bags and sorting uniform to make sure this morning went as smoothly as possible. It was discovered crumpled in a bag of unwashed PE kit - ironing it meant he was late to drop her off and thus, probably, late into work. And no, I neither looked for it nor ironed it, I was sorting out the other 2, though it sounds like some will think I’m unreasonable for not doing that as well!

and for those sniping that I could have sent the email - I did quite a lot of other admin as well as looking after my 2 eldest, because it is possible to multitask (but only if you’re a woman, apparently).

Considering your child has had two weeks off school I don't think looking for their school uniform last night is setting a particularly high standard. Perhaps your list needs looking at, I think sorting out the washing would have been better on the list than oiling a table.

But on the other hand, all the things still need doing by someone - and yes, they actually do all need doing, maybe not this week, but at some point.

So if they're not time sensitive, why does it matter if they weren't done?

Oh my god people really find it difficult to understand, but I imagine they have an ongoing "jobs that need doing list" - for one off things like "ring council" or "sent X's present". Not for absolutely everything that a human and parent should do e.g. laundry, brush teeth, breathe.

OP seriously either accept him for who he is and learn to live together or find a way out. Not everyone has exacting standards, especially if they are burned out. Fwiw burn out takes longer than a couple of weeks off work to resolve if it's really set in.

I couldn’t live like that. I used to wash all uniform at the start of the holidays. What needs ironing? Most uniform doesn’t need ironing.

If I’m at the point where I have to put laundry on a list of things that need doing, I’d be going it alone, quite frankly.

The expectations of men are quite low, I’m not prepared to accept so little just yet.

@Duckingella and @SkyandSurf 🙏 thank you, you’ve made me feel heard, which I really needed.

Not getting in to the exact things on this list but in general the answer is - because if they don't get done during the holidays for lack of time, what's the likelihood they'll get done when everyone is back at work? And of course the crucial point - if the H continues to not do them, it just means everything eventually becomes OP's job.

Ring council….

Took them 55 minutes to answer me last week! Then they didn’t know the answer even though it was their department!

I think that is the point being made; don't do it if you don't enjoy it.

This isn't a man issue this is a break down in communication issue. Talk to him and listen to him too.

You're stressed out because the household tasks aren't being completed/you're having to micromanage him. He sounds burned out from work to the extent it's affecting his ability to function at home.

@WitcheryDivine well, if it's stuff that knob impacts him, she doesn't have to do it at all.

Some people like to spread things out so jobs don't build up, others work better leaving things until it's crucial.

Neither method is better than the other so if stuff isn't time sensitive i can see why he just ignores it.

If I needed to signal my virtue by saying after I'd put children to bed at the end of a two week school holiday I'd be looking for their uniform to wash for the next morning I'd deserve to be going it alone.

This sounds so shit, I’m so sorry. I wish there was a way of communicating this that could be understood by both sides - if I try and talk about it, it just makes him defensive, which I get.

In truth, there are definitely some things I could let go of e.g. I try and bulk buy birthday presents, card and wrap in the sales so we’re not caught on the hop with birthday parties. DH’s view is he can go out on the day of and pick up something. Neither of us are wrong or right, and I’ve accepted this is an example where I’m creating more effort for myself because of my nature (more organised, more financially prudent). But then there are other things, such as the uniform example above, where there’s clearly a more sensible way and one which leads to more stress. Maybe we need to let them take the more stressful way and let them deal with the consequences of it (eg niece disappointment) more often?

So basically the jobs in the house that need doing (even the basic ones like washing school uniform) all rest on your shoulders to manage?

If you don't add them to the list/message and task your H with doing them, they don't get done, despite you doing more than your fair share?

And sometimes, despite it being a basic parenting task, and being on the list and having a separate reminder message sent about it, your H still doesn't do it?

Nah, that's not acceptable, that's a "fuck you!" to his responsibilities as a spouse as a parent and to his profession (leaving the tasks undone meant he was late for work this morning).

He's not a teenager anymore, he's a grown up who needs to adult.

Tell him to sort his shit out or prepare to do 50% of the adulting when he lives on his own and has the kids 50% of the time.

He’s a teacher and he made a good decision. That job will make you ill if you don’t take a chance to rest. I’ve made similar decisions for myself to prioritise my health. He looks after the kids and does the basics- the other jobs sometimes need to wait.

OP I really feel for you, I can actually feel how tightly wound you are! And it's not surprising. On top of your own long-hours job you've got to share tasks with a guy who thinks you're his manager but in a job where he can't be sacked.

This sounds like the classic MN thing where if HE works long hours and earns tonnes of money he shouldn't be disturbed with household tasks, but in this case where he has lots of time off and probably the OP earns at least similarly, he also somehow shouldn't be disturbed with household tasks.

None of the things on the list are stressful and he should have done at least most of them. However I do think OP that because you're stressed and busy some of these things might be feeling more important than they actually are. For one, I'd resign from having anything at all to do with presents for your H's "people". I started off establishing this attitude with mine and honestly it really helps when he's late sending something for his mum etc - it's a shame for her but it's his responsibility. It's not too late to reposition this as entirely his business and remove yourself from it altogether. If any in-laws mention presents not arriving you can just say "Oh really? we handle our own side's presents now so I didn't know." (incidentally he has infinitely more time to get the post office than you do any weekday)

The inheritance thing is annoying but you seem more motivated to maximise this money so you might have to be the one who makes the call.

It really was raining all week btw (at least it was where I was, except some brief sun on Saturday) so he may not be bullshitting about this.

But the principle is important and you're right to feel that things should be shared. It really sounds like you need a break from work and kids yourself.

So your solution to a woman frustrated by her H's lack of domestic effort is to ... stop any expectation of effort?

He wasn't busy, he had 2 weeks off.
I imagine he was stressed, after a term's teaching. But OP works too.
Busy, stressed people still need to buy their relative's gifts & take care of their possessions.

He didn't even choose & buy his grandmother's present - OP did that for him. Yet he managed to not post it.
That's selfish enough for me to believe he's often like this. OP - is this a constant problem, or was it a one-off this Easter? I'd cut him some slack for a one-off, but not if you are always findign that you are the only one pulling your weight.

The bar is so low for men. Their leisure is so constantly prioritised.

Women should prioritise their own leisure as well. It works out well for me.

Of course there are jobs that actually need doing urgently, and ongoing chores like laundry and hoovering (just divvy those up). But so much of what I read about on MN simply doesn't need doing. You can lighten your own mental load and make room in your life for things you enjoy and which relax you - whether they have practical benefit or not. Life is for enjoying, not for trudging through.

Not sending the present was pretty shit.

On the face of it I read this and think - I resuscitate people for a living, guarantee I work longer and more antisocial hours than your husband, and the only reason I can’t say I’ve been full tilt since going back to work after Christmas is that I, like many many others with very stressful jobs, worked throughout Christmas whilst your husband was at home with his family.

But I also know that everyone has their own burnout threshold and if your husband felt he needed those days then he needed those days.

Only you can know if he was taking the piss or genuinely prioritising his mental health, as we all should.

I hate making lists, micromanaging people and am quite chill but sometimes when they don’t want to do anything you end up having to tell them what to do. I really can’t be bothered to be that person. I think it’s a strategy they use to get away with not doing things around the house etc. I have worked as a teacher so know how tiring it is. He should have a bit of time off but so should she. He needs to get off his arse. Op is basically sick of having to think of everything. If he is a teacher he will be used to making lists, so sit down and write down one together and talk about what needs to get done long and short term.

I bet single parent teachers, who don't have someone else to pick up the slack, struggle through

And I don't find the OP's list 'exacting standards' - she's not asking for polished silverware and immaculate skirting boards. A repaired blackout blind for a toddler's room would be high up on my list of essentials. Sleep is precious

No but this isn't a single parent is it. It's a married couple.

Not getting in to the exact things on this list but in general the answer is - because if they don't get done during the holidays for lack of time, what's the likelihood they'll get done when everyone is back at work? And of course the crucial point - if the H continues to not do them, it just means everything eventually becomes OP's job.

Exactly! My DH isn't great at ticking jobs off the list and sometimes moans that weekends are for relaxing. I agree, they are. But it's reasonable to get a couple of jobs done and then spend the entire rest of the day relaxing, surely? Otherwise you end up not ringing the council during working hours because you are working and not ringing the council during days off because I WANT TO RELAX and then it just never happens, or Wifey ends up sighing heavily and doing literally everything. I already do enough; I am not doing literally everything. Hence, lists!