DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

He had a break & a rest. 6 full days of rest. Where is OP's 6 child-free & chore-free days?

You are also being remarkably selective:

Logs didn't get stacked out of the rain.
IFA didn't get called.
Granny didn't get her present posted.
DC's school uniform was eventually found scrunched in a PE kit where it had been for 2 weeks, meaning a mad scramble this morning.

These are all jobs which needed doing.
In 6 days, he did none of them.
It's hardly a big ask, is it?

What a sad state of affairs when buying a gift for a (hopefully loved) member of the family gets cast aside as something too much to do.

YANBU, and I get teaching is stressful but so are 1000s of other jobs and we just fit this shit in regardless.

I have no issue with a list and I feel for you OP, my DH has a very important job 🙄 and therefore he needs to relax on a weekend on the golf course 🙄🙄 and he’s also shit at DIY.

I have a list, when it gets to enough jobs for what I guess would take a full day I get a local handyman in to do them all. He whips through them doing a far better job than DH ever would without a complaint and a smile.

I’ve wasted far too many years getting angry that his standards aren’t mine, find other ways round it if you can.

he agreed that he would do the jobs. Therefore you don't need to do them. If they impact on your daily life, every time it inconveniences you ask him when he will do the job he agreed to do.

His granny? goes without. His problem (stop doing the wifework in respect of his family)

When you can both speak without being grumpy: go over the things that need doing and allocate them, or they're joint things, and set a time by which you both agree they should be done.
Same for housework etc.

Then just get on with your jobs, and leave his to him. Because he has agreed to do them. And if they inconvenience you? reallocate something to him and do it yourself. Or if you can't and he can, ask him every time when he is going to do it.

Maybe. But if my ex had have still been living with me the holidays wouldn’t have looked much different. He would have gone out to work as usual and possibly expected jobs to have been done that weren’t. Been there done that. I’d probably not have had 3 days off totally though, more like a few days where he took time off so we would have done stuff together with the kids. No jobs getting done on his days’ holidays though. He worked shifts when we were together. So no school holidays but plenty sets of days off child free (3 days on 3 days off type thing). Combined days off usually meant we did stuff together but his days off meant he would go to the gym, cycling, running or just playing on x box. In fact I think that’s what his days off look like now he’s on his own. His house is a pig sty.

I do think some men and women have a different mentality about child free time.

As a married teacher the child free time would have been rarer, as the teacher parent is usually the default parent during holidays. I actually prefer to do nothing during my child free days now. But the jobs that are urgent get done when I’m already busy. I find once I stop I crash. So more gets done for the household in term time when I’m already really busy as it’s harder to switch off.

A friend of mine left teaching for good because she found it so stressful, and she‘s definitely not lazy. Everyone is different.
Wanting a week off and free of chores to recharge properly doesn’t seem like such a crazy demand to me (as long as the partner gets the same opportunity from time to time).

The house was clean and tidy but I pay for a cleaner to come in for 5 hours a week on a Friday, so that doesn’t feel particularly praiseworthy.

What do you mean - YOU pay for a cleaner?
Does the cost not come out of a shared household pot?

I just think this world is split into procrastinators and doers.

Im a doer. Dh is a prcratinator. It does my head in. But it is what it is.

If you want to have an equal relationship stop behaving like his manager. Giving him a list of jobs - including sending his Gran a present? That’s ridiculous. He needs to grow up.

I have a friend (well I thought she was) who is a TA. She only ever socialises during school holidays. I'm talking popping round for a cup of tea and a chat, not going out dancing on tables!
If I only got stuff done was on leave my life would unravel. I manage to arrange my down time, my hobbies, my responsibilities and my social life around a full time job and being a lone parent.

I have little sympathy for the OP's husband not finding the time to send a gift to his Nanna.

I’ve worked in education for years, as a teacher and now a manager. When I worked TTO, I did spend the holidays recovering to some extent, but that didn’t render me incapable of doing small tasks.

There are things that matter and need to be done - wash uniforms, for example. That takes no time at all and could be done in between naps!

But there are things that won’t cause the world to cave in if they aren’t done (piling a table) and things that frankly I wouldn’t be getting involved in doing (sending someone else’s Gran a present).

Busy people with careers and families have to cut each other some slack over the non-essential stuff. I wouldn’t fall out with your DH over this, but I would have a Frank chat with him about life admin, prioritising and sharing the load.

You sound like someone I would find hard to relax and live with.

If someone sent me a list, so controlling.

DSis has been a teacher for years. It is exhausting. I bet he did workprep/reports/lesson plans in his time off.Impossible not to.

You are both different people.Respect that and oil your own bloody table. Dear Lord.
I would be slightly annoyed about uniforms.Thats it.

You are very lucky to have three kids and a husband, financial security and things to be generally ticking over pretty well by the sounds of it.

I know it's frustrating, but it sounds like he just needed a break. Try to get some perspective and don't sweat it.

his baby was in the nursery nursery hours only, and the rest of the time, at home with him

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around

What is wrong with that? He said he'd do them and you can guarantee that without the list he wouldn't remember what they are. So I don't see any 'controlling' going on. She's not given him a timetable and penalties!

For clarity, I used shorthand in my OP - I didn’t make and send a new list, I reshared a joint list, that we created many months ago, in response to a similar conversation where I felt I had too much in my head. DH suggested a solution to me not having to own and manage everything would be a shared list. I have continued to use it, he has not.

I don’t think the existence of the list itself is controlling because of that; albeit there may be different opinions as to whether me pointing him back towards it is controlling.

What? 8 - 5 or 6 probably. A working day.

Outside tasks if it really did rain a lot, well perhaps OK. Not the others which could probably be done in a morning or afternoon.

My pet hate word on this site is 'controlling'. Most normal people make requests of their partners to do things as in most households, one person tends to organise it. That isn't 'controlling'

Yes, you should absolutely do this.

Sheer entitlement. Can you ever imagine yourself doing this, OP?

I thought they were massive jobs like redecorating the bathroom. Sending an email and posting grandma's gift? Could have been done with kids easily, YANBU.

I agree - interesting how it seems to be used most by the people who’ve thought bugger it, life’s too short, dance in the rain! Wonder who’s behind them making sure their kids’ uniforms are washed and ironed and there’s enough food in for dinner when everyone gets in tired and hungry? 😉

I don’t think the list is controlling. Me and DH send each other to do lists when one of us has time off. They’re not ‘orders’. I’ll say ‘can you run a few errand for me this week?’ And vice versa. I see it as sharing the load.

Spoken like a true man who conveniently ignores all the other stuff women do.