DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP "and in reality we should both be saying fuck it to all the domestic jobs and just putting ourselves first. I just can’t imagine having that much child-free time, knowing that all these things need doing, and only managing to oil a table…"

funnily enough, one of my first reactions to your post was "life is too long and hard to oil a table". Some of the stuff that "needs" doing - does it?

Yes he should wind down but 3 full days and he couldn't spend a few hours to tackle some big jobs is lazy bullshit.

They arent his jobs or man jobs though. You could do them and tell him to look after the kids while you do it.

And drop unnecessary stuff like gifts for his family. He isnt a child and you arent a parent.

All the people who would be offended by the idea of a list are likely people who don't need a list.

Women don't like infantilising their spouses. We'd all much rather it if the men in our lives were capable of looking around themselves, seeing what needs to be done, realising they're an adult who can do it, and then doing it. Much like women do every day.

Some men are so lazy / hapless / selfish they will never do what needs to be done off their own bat.

They are perfectly happy to reap the benefits of their wives labour and mental load, however.

Not posting his grandmother a gift, even after 90% of the work had been done and handed to him on a silver plate is lazy and selfish. It's disrespectful to his grandmother and disrespectful of the time and thought that OP had already put into getting his relative a gift.

The inheritance doing nothing wpuld bother me but he must need a break after teaching.

I'm married to a teacher, we also have 3 young children. I took 2 days off over the holidays but the rest of the time my husband had the kids. He's can't do any jobs with them around, the youngest only just turned 2. We had 2 days alone without the kids and had stuff we planned to do around the house etc. We did nothing. We rested and relaxed. We both needed it. My husband has to have the kids every holiday, you aren't "off" looking after 3 small kids, far from. Apart from our 2 lazy days he's been woken up around 6.30am and is up at 7 sorting breakfast (I start work 7.30am wfh so I'm no help).

We have a list of jobs the length of your arm and yes it's annoying we don't seem to tick much off, but my husband needed and deserved a break. I was off too and felt the same.

Cut the bloke some slack.

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️

The bar for men is set so low here it's practically in hades.

Notice how no is concerned the OP who works full time year round appears to be left to pick up the slack from the partner who gets 13 weeks holiday a year.

She also didn't leave him a list of shit to do;it's a shared list of shit that need's doing that he choses to ignore;also how selfish is he not bothering to send off the card&present purchased for his own grandmother?;he didn't even have to bloody buy them.

What 'needs' doing is subjective.

What quality of life would they have if they both only did what 'needs' doing.

Grandma might be hurt her birthday was forgotten

They'll be woken up 45 minutes earlier than needed all summer because the light will wake the toddler

Not investing a large sum of money for months is effectively like throwing money in the bin- can they afford to do that during a COL crisis? Even if you can technically afford it, why would you throw away hundreds of pounds of interest rather than send an email?

And what hundreds of other tasks is OP taking care of without complaint because DH doesn't pitch in?

The bar is so low for men. Their leisure is so constantly prioritised.

Six days off - free of childcare- is more than most parents get in a year. He's had that in one term break and nothing to show for it bar an oiled table.

Did he have to do any planning over the holiday? Some of my friends are teachers and they have spent a number of days over the holidays doing school work.

Are you different personalities, some people need to keep busy all the time and like the pressure of that (your job seems to be like that) and others need to relax more. DH used to have a job where it was project based and would do crazy hours sometimes. When he had time off he couldn’t rest, had to be doing something all the time. I on the other hand like to potter about and just sit and relax. DH has now changed jobs, and although still busy, does not do the crazy hours. He now likes to sit about and recharge.

If you can afford it, I would get someone in to do some of the DIY stuff. Seems some of the things on your list would take as long as writing it on the list!

You and your DH had two days off, and you both had the two days off.

OP's husband has had six days off, and she apparently has had no days off.

It's not the same.

Hi teaching is really tiring, so he might have needed the three days. You should however then proceed to take three days off as well, maybe an odd Saturday or Sunday. During the summer he will have the children to entertain so I wouldn’t say that’s really time off unless they can entertain themselves. You might want to write down the mental load activities and divide them up. Does he lift a finger when
he goes to his relations? Are you expected to do everything for the children at yours? You need to factor that in.

Grandma might be hurt her birthday was forgotten

According to OP, grandmas birthday was in January so it's a bit late for either of them to be worrying about that 🤷‍♀️

She spent her time off visiting her family abroad. That isn't work and it was her choice. If she had the time off work and there was so much essential stuff to do then maybe she should have stayed home and done it with him. Or then again maybe she was free to choose what to do with her time off just like he was which seems perfectly reasonable.

Six days off - free of childcare- is more than most parents get in a year. He's had that in one term break and nothing to show for it bar an oiled table

So his own improved physical and mental health count for nothing?

The reassurance that his partner cares enough about him to understand that it would help him to have a break from the endless list of chores - all this is less important than crossing stuff off a list?

To add, it's his grandma anyway so not something OP even needs to get herself involved in.

If she's upset she doesn't get a gift, that's on him, surely?

"in reality we should both be saying fuck it to all the domestic jobs and just putting ourselves first."

You've got it OP.

None of those things needed doing. If the birthday was in Jan you've missed it anyway, forget the gift (which was his to sort anyway, it's not your relative). Who gives a shit about oiling a table.

You've got to let some of this go. I find it easier because I'm fighting against the example of my mum who has spent her entire life "in service" to others and completing unnecessary tasks like ironing tea towels and Y-fronts

Wait so you were on holiday without kids? Why couldn't you find an hour to send an email?

Is that supposed to be some sort of joke?

There's so much resentment on a
MN towards anyone who gets anymore than a couple of hours of child free time a week - it's bonkers.

Why not aim for both parents to have more rather than for them both to get a pittance?

Recharging when you have time off from any job doesn't have to mean sitting on your arse all day. Just being out of that work headspace is restful, even if you're getting on with some home jobs that need doing, and to put have the added satisfaction of ticking them off the list. I'm firmly with you OP!

Sounds like you typical "my job is so important/stressful you need to pick up the slack with all the home/family stuff" type.

If this is his usual modus operandi he needs a rocket up his arse you need a serious discussion on how the home workload is going to be shared fairly.

Notice how no is concerned the OP who works full time year round appears to be left to pick up the slack from the partner who gets 13 weeks holiday a year

Teachers don’t get 13 weeks a year though. Most of it is spent working. It’s nearer 4 weeks.

That does depend on the school. I would say that my DH takes about 11 of his 13 weeks as entirely non-working time. I don't begrudge him his holidays - he works bloody hard during term time and he now does childcare during the holidays anyway - but they definitely are a huge, huge bonus of his job.

Teaching isn't the only difficult stressful job in the world

Clearly the DH isn't doing school work most of his holidays

He's not lazy, he's burned out. If he hasn't got the spare brain capacity to send an email something is amiss. Stop trying to pick faults in people and look out for them.

But in terms of intensity it is. Similar to NHS. I can’t think of anything harder than looking after 30 teens 5 x a day.