Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

534 replies

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 16:50

SailorsWife · 17/04/2023 15:57

TBF rowing and then stonewalling each other is a) childish and b) going to damage your emotional relationship
I personally think you are both being unreasonable because you shouldn't need to give a list, but there were things he could do. That said if you chose and ordered present why could you not send as well? I do for my husband and he's often away when birthdays fall, I don't expect him to sort while away and tbf having been a teacher, there just aren't enough hours in day to do stuff like that. Yes it was his leave period, but it wouldn't kill you to do that last part since you did first bit. I can understand him needing a rest. Is there any reason some of those tasks which needed doing couldn't wait til the summer hols when his leave period is longer? And why can't you cut the grass? I do ours. I know traditionally certain tasks such as DIY and garden seen as the man's job but that was in a period when you also would be rearing children not having a career. Its 2023. You need to share the tasks equally

😂 oh God. This is a joke, right? This is just badly articulated sarcasm?

there just aren't enough hours in day to do stuff like that. Gosh, how fortunate I am that as a non-teacher, I have an extra 10 hours in my day in which I can squeeze all his activities as well.

I am, in fact, BOTH rearing children AND having a career; and also, according to you, should be casually adding sole-managing a household of 5. You have zero understanding of equality.

OP posts:
Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 16:53

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 16:50

😂 oh God. This is a joke, right? This is just badly articulated sarcasm?

there just aren't enough hours in day to do stuff like that. Gosh, how fortunate I am that as a non-teacher, I have an extra 10 hours in my day in which I can squeeze all his activities as well.

I am, in fact, BOTH rearing children AND having a career; and also, according to you, should be casually adding sole-managing a household of 5. You have zero understanding of equality.

Show quote history

Ignore the batshit posters like that. Sadly, there are a lot of them.

Strawberrydelight78 · 17/04/2023 16:59

It did pour down all week where I am in the north. But he could have at least posted his grandmothers present. He obviously felt he needed R&R. Teaching is a stressful job. Even more so ATM with the strikes, cutbacks as well as the multiple other issues that comes with teaching.

TheOrigRights · 17/04/2023 17:01

Victoriabee01 · 17/04/2023 16:25

Female teacher here and I switched off and recharged. Call me lazy but my half term is for enjoying my break with my children and the rest of the time I completely switch off and binge on Netflix.

As long as everything gets done or the person that shares those responsibilities gets the same amount of downtime then go for it!

Most workers get 4 or 5 weeks of leave of which (if they're lucky) 2 of those will be a proper holiday where you can completely switch off.

Victoriabee01 · 17/04/2023 17:09

I take it the small inheritance that’s sitting earning nothing is his inheritance, hence why his the one needing to email? Again, his problem if it doesn’t get done!

you seem like chalk and cheese. You come across as someone who struggles to switch off and has to have something to do (and be in control of your surroundings.)

why did he not come away with u and if he had of gone away as you did, none of your list would have been completed anyway! 🤷‍♀️

whatkatydid2013 · 17/04/2023 17:16

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 15:21

@whatkatydid2013 we lived together in our early 20s and he noticed nothing. It was only when I played the same game and we rapidly ran out of crockery, loo roll, clean clothes etc, that he realised there was no magical house elf doing this stuff. Honestly, his mum/dad dynamic had a huge amount to answer for.

He’s now very good at taking away crockery, refilling loo rolls and doing the laundry, but I’ve run out of energy to keep on about all the less common day to day stuff. In the rare moments I’ve had a bit of energy, I’ve tried to come up with shared solutions with him such as the list. At other times, I’ve either done it myself or given up, neither of which reinforce the dynamic that these need to be shared endeavours.

I do feel your pain. My OH was not great when we moved in together as his parents had a v traditional set up but you have a different set up and he knows it and he’s choosing to leave things. A part of that could be just not caring if they get done but a part is also just assuming you’ll sort it. I’d maybe think what ad hoc things impact him most and let him know you can’t do everything so you are leaving x/y/z to him to sort. For me (many moons ago) that included sorting out tv packages, anything gift wise/arrangement wise with his family unless I actively wanted to see them, sorting out tickets for things he wanted to see the most, tidying out the shed and anything gardening related. Make it clear now those things are with him and if he just doesn’t do them then the booking a handyman for the practical things you all need to happen and using the money that would usually go on holiday club seems perfectly reasonable.

If I feel like if you have most of the day to day stuff sorted and he just won’t help on the one off jobs then if you also don’t have time you need to pay someone else to help you and easiest way to fund that will be to knock holiday childcare on the head. You could still have a Monday off for him every week in the holidays, a Saturday off for you every week in the holidays and a Sunday/any vacation you take as family time.

whatkatydid2013 · 17/04/2023 17:17

I should add his solution with the gifts was to agree all the adults on his side of the family stopped buying each other gifts and we just went out for a meal together in run up to Christmas. It’s worked grand & it’s really nice to go out and see everyone. It’s likely not what I would have done but no one is unhappy about it and it saves money and effort

LondonJax · 17/04/2023 17:31

SailorsWife · 17/04/2023 15:57

TBF rowing and then stonewalling each other is a) childish and b) going to damage your emotional relationship
I personally think you are both being unreasonable because you shouldn't need to give a list, but there were things he could do. That said if you chose and ordered present why could you not send as well? I do for my husband and he's often away when birthdays fall, I don't expect him to sort while away and tbf having been a teacher, there just aren't enough hours in day to do stuff like that. Yes it was his leave period, but it wouldn't kill you to do that last part since you did first bit. I can understand him needing a rest. Is there any reason some of those tasks which needed doing couldn't wait til the summer hols when his leave period is longer? And why can't you cut the grass? I do ours. I know traditionally certain tasks such as DIY and garden seen as the man's job but that was in a period when you also would be rearing children not having a career. Its 2023. You need to share the tasks equally

And when does the OP get a rest @SailorsWife?

I work in a school (not a teacher) and got the last two weeks off. DH, who works in a company, gets 6 weeks holiday a year. That's it. I get that during the summer!

Now I know that teachers do lesson planning, marking and hundreds of other things in the holidays. But the distribution of work in the home is not equal here is it?

Because OP seems to working equally crazy hours with less annual leave time and less 'I need to relax as I am so tired' time too.

OP, tell DH that in future you'll hire a man or woman 'who can' and get the jobs done. Don't organise his families presents - he's a grown up who can organise a group of 30 kids I'm sure buying and wrapping a present isn't beyond him. And if it is, he can take the flak. He may do better next time - after all kids are taught consequences of decisions. That'll be his.

Sometimes DH and I just throw cash at the problem - waiting for jobs to get done can add to the stress and the arguments. If the other person doesn't want to find the cash to solve the problem then they'll have to step up to the mark.

ClaireEclair · 17/04/2023 17:38

Honestly? If my DH had a 2 week holiday I would expect him to rest and take it easy. His job is incredibly stressful and he needs to recharge. I don’t think your DH has been unreasonable.
maybe to his grandmother but the present will just be a bit late.

Wavinggoodbyetoo · 17/04/2023 17:43

ClaireEclair · 17/04/2023 17:38

Honestly? If my DH had a 2 week holiday I would expect him to rest and take it easy. His job is incredibly stressful and he needs to recharge. I don’t think your DH has been unreasonable.
maybe to his grandmother but the present will just be a bit late.

Does your husband get 12 weeks a year?

cakehoover123 · 17/04/2023 17:44

YANBU.

Why should you have the mental load of project-managing and planning tasks, and then managing him, as well as doing most of the actual work?

Here's a solution that works well for me and my husband, and means we share most of the labour but most of the management too:

  • We both "own" regular tasks, depending on preferences: he always cooks, I always do the laundry, he takes out the recycling, I take out the rubbish bins, etc. Crucially, if he forgets a task, I don't remind him or lift a finger to help (initially he "forgot" a lot so I had to get good at strategic blindness)
  • Separate to this, we have a shared online list of the latest one-off household tasks that need doing - "oil table", "email IFA", "take car to MOT", "book holiday" - each adding things as we think of them
  • Twice a week, at a regular slot, we spend a couple of hours together prioritising the list and doing the tasks. So we might agree: ok, today you're going to oil the table, I'm going to email the IFA and phone the garage, etc. When the timeslot is up, we stop doing tasks until next time. Again it takes discipline for me not to pick things up if they're half done.

This mostly works well, and that way I don't end up being the manager, or full of resentment.

YANBU. But I suggest moving to a different system, one where you're not managing him. There's a reason why workplaces have a separate jobs for managers - it's a ton of work.

Forever42 · 17/04/2023 17:49

I think he should have sent the gift but totally understandable about outside jobs if you live anywhere near me. The weather last week was vile. We didn't get any of our outside jobs done!

FindingNeverland28 · 17/04/2023 17:52

Teaching is stressful and you do need to recharge, however jobs still need doing around the house. I’ve just spent my 2 weeks moving house and decorating. I could do with another week off to recover. Plus I was sick at the end of term/beginning of the holidays (still going to work though as I would be too busy to go in during the holidays to get my classroom sorted for the first week back).

Echobelly · 17/04/2023 18:05

If you specifically asked, then he should have done more - some of it was just little stuff.

It used to bug me when I would get the kids out of the house when they were small so DH could get something done (we were in a flat at the time, so not lots of room) and I'd come back to find he hadn't done it or had only started just before we'd got back and I'd been schlepping two small kids around all day.

Whichnumbers · 17/04/2023 18:37

Honestly, I’m tempted to pull DC2 out of nursery in July due to going to school in Sept, not book DC1 into any holiday clubs, and save £1k while he picks up the childcare.

at least then you'd have £1000 to pay someone to do all the jobs he doesn't do

Putting wood in the shed, sorting out a decent interest rate for a small inheritance and oiling a table, fixing some blinds - all take possibly an hour each. For 4 hours out of 6 days. Its not unreasonable to expect a partnership and someone to share the load, even if they've had a stressful time they could recuperate on the other 5and a half days

Oldtigernidster · 17/04/2023 18:41

Can’t you share these jobs? Work through them together? I don’t understand why they have all been left to him.

Ibizamumof4 · 17/04/2023 18:44

So he had days to himself whilst baby was in nursery ? He just cba lazy my husband does it has to have days to himself I don’t get any

Shakespeareandi · 17/04/2023 18:49

I get that he was tired but a few jobs wouldn't take long. Sitting around all day"recharging " what is that? It should be in both your interests to get things done, if my OH could be bothered to think about what needs doing and then send a list I wouldn't mind. At least I'm feeling like we are both thinking of what needa doing. Definitely get your mental load, it weighs heavy. 3 days to rest if you are not sick is a lot. Just get on and get some house stuff done. We are all different though, and I find it would be so much easier to live in separate houses.

Reallybadidea · 17/04/2023 18:50

Oldtigernidster · 17/04/2023 18:41

Can’t you share these jobs? Work through them together? I don’t understand why they have all been left to him.

I don't understand why people can't read all the OP's replies before responding

G5000 · 17/04/2023 19:06

Honestly? If my DH had a 2 week holiday I would expect him to rest and take it easy. His job is incredibly stressful and he needs to recharge

And OP will rest during her annual leave and take it easy? Plus of course a number of extra weeks, as she gets significantly less holidays, and as a breadwinner, her salary is more important so she needs to recharge.

All the jobs that people normally do when they have time off will be done by fairies.

G5000 · 17/04/2023 19:19

That said if you chose and ordered present why could you not send as well?/../ it wouldn't kill you to do that last part since you did first bit. And why can't you cut the grass?

See OP, you have a solution - just do everything yourself and let the lord and master rest. Simple really.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 19:38

Reallybadidea · 17/04/2023 18:50

I don't understand why people can't read all the OP's replies before responding

Show quote history

Because they fall all over themselves to be twats to an OP.

Mumsanetta · 17/04/2023 19:46

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 10:55

Agreed @Mirabai but any tips on how to have that conversation without it just making him defensive?!

@KeepingKeepingOn i think when you are married to someone that you would like to stay married to but find that you keep rehashing an old problem with no lasting positive change the answer is to tell the other person that if you are both unable to communicate effectively on this point you need to have marriage counselling. This may seem like making a mountain out of a mole hill but I would be worried that your current dynamic will lead to a level of resentment that will poison an otherwise good marriage. And I think there is not a single thing in your OP and subsequent posts that is unreasonable.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 19:54

I’ve just re-read all your posts OP, and you are so far from being unreasonable it’s unreal.

I know you say he’s not that bad, and we’re just seeing this shit side of him, but fuck me, I’d really struggle to cope with someone behaving like him.

You carry everyone and everything, figuratively, literally and namely, financially. It’s not fair.

Oldtigernidster · 17/04/2023 19:58

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 19:38

Because they fall all over themselves to be twats to an OP.

Show quote history

I re-read it. I rest my case.