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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

534 replies

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 17/04/2023 14:50

If my bloke sent me a list of jobs I’d shove it up his arse.

WitcheryDivine · 17/04/2023 14:50

Not that I'm advocating this but my mum's solution was to get a HUGE chalkboard in the kitchen and write all the "one-off" jobs on it, and cross them off when she'd done some - that way my dad couldn't ignore it...

saraclara · 17/04/2023 14:52

Mammajay · 17/04/2023 14:41

With teaching, you feel like you are on stage the whole time. You go to the toilet at lunch time and see a kid hit another kid..you want to get back to your lunch but now you're sorting out an incident. A pupil says something rude about you (older pupils) you want to tell them to piss off but you act like a professional and ignore it or reprimand them. Then you feel aggravated because yes, you are plumpIt's relentless some days.i loved teaching but it is more stressful than many jobs. So your husband needed HIS holiday

Oh give over. I'm a teacher, as was my mum, as was my late husband, as are my daughter and her partner. Yes it's a full on job and the holidays are a time to de-stress as well as work. But FFS, I still managed to look after my kids in the holidays (no nursery) and...y'know...send the odd email and post a birthday present. As do all the teachers in my family.

Good grief, no wonder most of MN sneers at teachers.

saraclara · 17/04/2023 14:53

Blossomtoes · 17/04/2023 14:50

If my bloke sent me a list of jobs I’d shove it up his arse.

It's just as well that it was OP's DH who suggested the (shared responsibilities) list then, isn't it?

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2023 14:54

Blossomtoes · 17/04/2023 14:50

If my bloke sent me a list of jobs I’d shove it up his arse.

hall of fame game missed the point GIF

Well...

Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 14:57

I am hugely supportive of his choice to teach - I have worked with vulnerable CYP myself and I know how difficult it is. As a way of showing my support, I’ve kept DCs 2 and 3 in nursery for the first part of every half term and main holiday precisely so that he can have a couple of days of downtime without having to deal with childcare. My issue is that this seems to have been taken for granted and is now having a negative impact on me. I don’t think I should accept that just because he’s a teacher.

I like the very practical suggestion of no longer paying for holiday childcare and redirecting the funds instead towards a handyman. I think this rebalances our inputs a bit more and takes the pressure off me having to ‘manage’ the house stuff.

OP posts:
Wavinggoodbyetoo · 17/04/2023 15:06

Unless someone wants to work part-time, then jobs need doing in the holidays or weekends. It's as simple as that.

Or you agree jobs don't get done. ..

whatkatydid2013 · 17/04/2023 15:08

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 14:31

Me either. I’m a bit shocked at the rampant sexism actually. I’ve been castigated more than once for not sending an email, as if I should have done that on top of everything else I was doing. The answer, for some, appears to be ‘expect nothing, be grateful for anything’. What a horrendous example to set to our children, let alone to actually live within 😖

Show quote history

It's unreal how brainwashed so many women are. Men are totally capable. Look at what they do at work. They can understand what is required, keep track of tasks/complete them independently etc. Why is is so many women think they can't do the same at home.

As a very quick example OH & I are both wfh today. He's just popped his head round the door and asked if I want a drink. When he did he saw our plates from lunch were still on the table in the living room, where I am working today as he is in the home office. He picked them up, took them to the kitchen and will either wash up or shove in the dishwasher. No one should be tricked into thinking men lack the capacity to notice something needs doing and just sort it out. Before someone asks neither of us did after lunch as we went for a quick walk in our lunch break and then we both went immediately back into work calls.

Try doing a chore audit. Write down all the daily/weekly jobs and then all the types of ad hoc ones and, when you are not fuming about this, both agree it's comprehensive and say what proportion of the jobs you do. See how the split looks at the end. If you are doing loads more and he genuinely thinks it's fine even after understanding that then you have to think about if you are willing to tolerate that. If he realizes he's being a bit rubbish it might prompt him to take responsibility for more. It may also be you realize the split is fairer than it feels but if so you will be unusual.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 17/04/2023 15:12

I bet your DH will wish he'd just posted the parcel and sent an email now he has 3 DC to look after every school holiday 😂

Don't forget to spend some of the childcare savings on things that make your life easier as well, not just things that would normally be on his "to do" list.

BKingso · 17/04/2023 15:12

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 14:47

@BKingso I’m definitely nowhere near LTB - he does share most of the day to day stuff eg we both do the dishwasher, several tons of laundry, bins etc. There was an element of ‘training’ required though, as he’d never done any of this at home because his mother was a SAHM and his dad had a ‘big job’…and you can see even from some of the responses on this thread how deeply embedded some of the behaviours and attitudes are relating to expectations about men’s roles and women’s roles. He’s also a good and active dad, in that we share pickups / drop offs and each do things with the kids individually as well as all together.

I do have an issue that unless I specifically point something out to him that’s not in the daily cycle of eg the dishwasher, he just won’t notice it. That makes me feel like I’m the overall manager, which I don’t enjoy, hence the creation of the list, but that only works if he’s proactive enough to check it and action it…

Absolutely same here too.

I think I'm just particularly angry and frustrated right now after the Easter hols. He's excelled himself in his "prone to inertia" (lack of) antics.

Mirabai · 17/04/2023 15:16

Mammajay · 17/04/2023 14:41

With teaching, you feel like you are on stage the whole time. You go to the toilet at lunch time and see a kid hit another kid..you want to get back to your lunch but now you're sorting out an incident. A pupil says something rude about you (older pupils) you want to tell them to piss off but you act like a professional and ignore it or reprimand them. Then you feel aggravated because yes, you are plumpIt's relentless some days.i loved teaching but it is more stressful than many jobs. So your husband needed HIS holiday

How is this significantly different to being in day medicine?

Teaching is a lot tougher than people think, but it’s not fundamentally different from working in any high end profession where you’re on and on the go all day every day.

Mirabai · 17/04/2023 15:16

say not day

Original poster
KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 15:21

@whatkatydid2013 we lived together in our early 20s and he noticed nothing. It was only when I played the same game and we rapidly ran out of crockery, loo roll, clean clothes etc, that he realised there was no magical house elf doing this stuff. Honestly, his mum/dad dynamic had a huge amount to answer for.

He’s now very good at taking away crockery, refilling loo rolls and doing the laundry, but I’ve run out of energy to keep on about all the less common day to day stuff. In the rare moments I’ve had a bit of energy, I’ve tried to come up with shared solutions with him such as the list. At other times, I’ve either done it myself or given up, neither of which reinforce the dynamic that these need to be shared endeavours.

OP posts:
WhiteFire · 17/04/2023 15:34

WitcheryDivine · 17/04/2023 14:50

Not that I'm advocating this but my mum's solution was to get a HUGE chalkboard in the kitchen and write all the "one-off" jobs on it, and cross them off when she'd done some - that way my dad couldn't ignore it...

We have that. It started mainly as a shopping list as I got fed up of a shop arriving that I should have magically known what else was needed. Put it on the board and I will add it to the shop.

I do add little jobs that need doing as well. It is better that then allowing resentment to build.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 17/04/2023 15:35

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 15:21

@whatkatydid2013 we lived together in our early 20s and he noticed nothing. It was only when I played the same game and we rapidly ran out of crockery, loo roll, clean clothes etc, that he realised there was no magical house elf doing this stuff. Honestly, his mum/dad dynamic had a huge amount to answer for.

He’s now very good at taking away crockery, refilling loo rolls and doing the laundry, but I’ve run out of energy to keep on about all the less common day to day stuff. In the rare moments I’ve had a bit of energy, I’ve tried to come up with shared solutions with him such as the list. At other times, I’ve either done it myself or given up, neither of which reinforce the dynamic that these need to be shared endeavours.

You need a serious conversation with him. In which you ask him if he wants to be your partner or your child. Partners step up. Children go home to their mothers. Then stop managing him, see what happens and make your decision from there

illtakeit · 17/04/2023 15:40

Peapodburgundybouquet · 17/04/2023 14:06

The handmaidens are out in force today. By golly.

And why do some people think being a teacher is the hardest job in the world?

Indeed

MyAnacondaMight · 17/04/2023 15:52

G5000 · 17/04/2023 14:18

I really can't imagine this if roles were reversed - breadwinner dad, teacher mum, dad takes kids to see the family and mum sits on her backside and can't even get a clean uniform ready for the DC?

So much this.

Rosebel · 17/04/2023 15:55

He should have sent the present and email. He could have done both those jobs in half a day and still had time to relax. Fair enough about jobs outside as the weather was pretty crap here, apart from Friday so he might have a point there.
Yes teaching is stressful but he apparently had the whole two weeks off. Working with kids plus loads of paperwork is hard work but it's not an excuse to do nothing in the holidays.

SailorsWife · 17/04/2023 15:57

TBF rowing and then stonewalling each other is a) childish and b) going to damage your emotional relationship
I personally think you are both being unreasonable because you shouldn't need to give a list, but there were things he could do. That said if you chose and ordered present why could you not send as well? I do for my husband and he's often away when birthdays fall, I don't expect him to sort while away and tbf having been a teacher, there just aren't enough hours in day to do stuff like that. Yes it was his leave period, but it wouldn't kill you to do that last part since you did first bit. I can understand him needing a rest. Is there any reason some of those tasks which needed doing couldn't wait til the summer hols when his leave period is longer? And why can't you cut the grass? I do ours. I know traditionally certain tasks such as DIY and garden seen as the man's job but that was in a period when you also would be rearing children not having a career. Its 2023. You need to share the tasks equally

ferntwist · 17/04/2023 16:00

So thoughtless of him not to post his granny’s birthday present. I read posts like this about men and I just despair. Especially as you’d already ordered it for him!

neverbeenskiing · 17/04/2023 16:08

Squiblet · 17/04/2023 12:17

This is such a non sequitur though! Yes, life is shit for the people who are exhausted by their work and need to double down on domestic tasks in their time off. I'm not disputing that. But that doesn't mean everyone in a similar situation should strive to have an identically shit life. I mean, why? Just out of solidarity? It certainly won't lighten any single mothers' load if OP's husband takes some time off. This issue is between the two of them, and the amount of odd jobs anyone else does has nothing to do with it.

Show quote history

My point is that OP's DH's claim that Teaching is such a uniquely stressful and tiring job that he cannot possibly be expected to do things like send an email or post a parcel is bullshit, as evidenced by the many, many female school staff who manage to complete these basic tasks and take care of their own DC in the holidays despite being tired. I don't think that necessarily means they have a "shit life" either, it's just normal family life for many people. Most people accept that once they have kids the majority of their annual leave will be spent looking after them, or doing stuff that needs doing as opposed to just doing nothing at all. It is perfectly possible for OP's DH to take some time for himself to rest, socialise, watch TV or whatever and still contribute to the running of the household instead of leaving everything to his wife.

Skybyrd · 17/04/2023 16:19

Some of the posters remind me of the video!

OP you're VVNBU, he needs to get himself organised. Try practicing 'active listening' and explaining how the issue makes you feel, rather than being accusatory, to avoid his defensiveness. It's surprising how feeling really listened to and being put in the position of supporter can deflate the sails of even the most indignant and defensive person.

I'd also go with the chores list breakdown as a discussion point, though I love the idea of a huge blackboard/whiteboard with one off chores on and individual chalk/pen colours so that it's clear who is doing the bulk of the work, for crossing off done chores. 😄

Added to that, the handyman idea is also great, but that depends on your finances and of course not all small household jobs can wait several weeks or months to be completed.

Magic Coffee Table

Original author: Troy Kinne

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU

Victoriabee01 · 17/04/2023 16:25

Female teacher here and I switched off and recharged. Call me lazy but my half term is for enjoying my break with my children and the rest of the time I completely switch off and binge on Netflix.

WitcheryDivine · 17/04/2023 16:26

I really don't buy this whole "shit life" thing, some weekends I'm working or away, but others I'm at home "relaxing" and that always includes some non-jolly but essential tasks like laundry, replacing broken things, cleaning the bathroom, booking something, filing paperwork. The point is you don't spend all your free time on it. The point here is that OP's H wants to spend none of his time on it, meaning she has to spend more of hers on it.

OP I've just remembered an Olde MN Advyse: do a time audit. You both sit down and count up how many hours of leisure time you have - that's the real sitting on your arse on the sofa/going for a bath type time. Sitting there half watching the football while actually making an online shop order doesn't count.

SkyandSurf · 17/04/2023 16:32

SailorsWife · 17/04/2023 15:57

TBF rowing and then stonewalling each other is a) childish and b) going to damage your emotional relationship
I personally think you are both being unreasonable because you shouldn't need to give a list, but there were things he could do. That said if you chose and ordered present why could you not send as well? I do for my husband and he's often away when birthdays fall, I don't expect him to sort while away and tbf having been a teacher, there just aren't enough hours in day to do stuff like that. Yes it was his leave period, but it wouldn't kill you to do that last part since you did first bit. I can understand him needing a rest. Is there any reason some of those tasks which needed doing couldn't wait til the summer hols when his leave period is longer? And why can't you cut the grass? I do ours. I know traditionally certain tasks such as DIY and garden seen as the man's job but that was in a period when you also would be rearing children not having a career. Its 2023. You need to share the tasks equally

Exactly!

Men need their rest!

OP should do all the household DIY, and the lawn, and sort all the gifts for his family so this poor man can rest.

She can easily squeeze it in among her 15 hour work days, responsibilities as breadwinner and household manager.

How can a man, with a mere 12 weeks of holidays a year (a significant chunk of which has apparently been covered by paid childcare) be expected to send an email AND visit the post office?I thought we outlawed slavery in this country.

This poor man needs to rest for seven hours in between nursery drop offs. Isn't that what everyone does in between nursery drop offs? Goes home to play video games and nap?

If things need to be done then OP should use her magical woman powers to do them all without complaint.

It's called 'equality'.