DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

I can safely say teaching made me physically and mentally ill.
30+ kids 5 x per day, all the extra work, the late nights, the pressure, the constantly being “on”.
It was a second career for me and was nothing like the first. I thought I thrived on the go,go,go and pressure and changing until it was actually constant in a day. No down time at all - to even eat/wee etc.

After a while of the constant longterm stress my body couldn’t handle it and I had IBS, panic attacks, reflux, a constant lump in my throat, a pain like someone was pressing on my shoulders, dizziness, headaches, fever without infection, one term I had to come home and nap after school.…and then I went part time and could breathe again….and then I quit and now I’m free. 😂

A very high number of teachers (over 50% plan on leaving within the next 5 years) more than 2/5 leave the profession within the first few years of qualification.

We now home Ed, a very high proportion of people I know in my HE community are teachers looking to quit/ex-teachers. It’s not a healthy environment for anyone.

I love a list! I find it really enjoyable to work through one, ticking jobs off as I do them. Also my memory is shit so while I can remember things to do on a Monday afternoon, on a Tuesday morning when I have the time to do them, I can't remember what they are. So without a list, virtually nothing gets done.

While my wife was alive, in everyday conversation we talked about what was going on in our lives. Out of those conversations, lists often emerged. I made lists for me, she made lists for her and we decided who was best placed to do the tasks, each of us keen to make the others life as easy as possible. When she gave me a list I never felt controlled - I felt assisted.

What do you think they do at nursery? Mine coal?

We do have a division of labour, but its not 50/50 of every task.

I do all the laundry/ironing and all the shopping and cook most of the evening meals. I also do pretty much all the cleaning/hoovering etc.

But... I have no interest in internal or external repairs and maintenance. I might point out that something needs doing, but the doing of it is down to him, whether he does it himself or gets in a plumber, roofer etc. I don't care how or when its done as long as I don't have to worry about it.
I have no interest whatsoever in the garden, he does all the mowing.

I have no interest in cars. He maintains both of them and books MOTs and services and sorts out the road tax and insurance etc - and even fills mine up with fuel every month.
He also does all the tip-runs.
So I do all the everyday boring routine housework, but in return he does pretty much everything else.

Occasionally I get irritated when I am hoovering on a Saturday afternoon and he is playing xbox. But then I remind myself of all the other stuff that he does that I have absolutely no interest in, and overall I am happy with this arrangement. And so is he .

The only time I give him a list is if I am away for a few days and he needs to remember to do specific things, such as the dogs medication on alternative days. I would be most put out if he gave me a list of household stuff to do.

The irony is I’M the one with the ‘big job’ - have always been the breadwinner and have always put in long hours (into a job I genuinely enjoy and feel fulfilled by). But that’s never prevented me from being a hands-on parent in all the daily things, as well as shouldering the ‘mental load’ stuff as well.

I sort of knew that, would have put money on it in fact. That scaffolding example must have been so stressful. I won't bother to argue with the wallies on here who think that you should just do everything and work 15 hour days because of your vagina, there's no point. As if lists are controlling! I handed H a shopping list yesterday that I'd carefully made for the week as he was heading out to football and then the shops - controlling? I'm assume some of the people saying this stuff aren't for real.

But on the other hand, look, I'm a procrastinator myself so I genuinely understand how it can get for people like your H. However what goes with that for me is I've realised when I think of something that needs to get done I need to do it that very minute. E.g. see a full laundry basket/something needed in a couple of days like school uniform - bang it straight into the washing machine. I'm absolutely crap at things like ringing up utility companies so my H nearly always does things like that whereas I'm much better at e.g. buying things needed for the house like hoover bags or whatever because I immediately see the need for them.

What's so frustrating about your husband is that he fails to self-reflect on what he's done wrong with things like the scaffolding or the uniform and actually LEARN from it for the future. You should ask him, if one of your kids was leaving all the work in a group project for the others to do, what would you say to them?

😂

I'm a great believer in reversing this behaviour and stating everything you've done e.g. Hi H I found and ironed DS's school uniform for you and I've put in the Tescos order for you, and I've changed DS's nappy for you too.

"your table" ? Unless the op's DH never uses the table, then it is not her table and he has just as much responsibility for keeping it in good working order.

It sounds like a bunch if stuff that could be done in one hour. I don't see what his excuse was.

It’s not just teachers who burn out.

I previously worked for a suicide prevention service and I can tell you that there are signs that someone is struggling well before they reach that point.

Prioritising mental health isn’t about waiting until someone breaks before taking it seriously.

Someone who couldn’t find the energy to post a parcel or send an email.. and who explains that they wanted to sleep and rest… they need to be listened to at that point. Not being able to get out of bed due to depression, it doesn’t suddenly happen out of nowhere, the person has usually been pushing through for quite some time.

Other people might be able to work 60 hour weeks and juggle childcare and all kinds of stress, that is great but we are all different and have different triggers and hit overwhelm in different situations.

OP was on holiday abroad and had family to help entertain the two elder DC she took with her. Her DH was at home with a baby to look after outside of nursery hours, and didn’t have the energy to do anything else at all. There is a flag there.

@Createausername1970 It's good that you are happy with the split, but I would point out that you are most likely spending many many more hours every week/month on household tasks than he is. If you're fine with that, great, no problem. But I have to admit that I would not be.

I also do all the cooking, shopping, meal planning etc etc. DH does many of the things your DH does. But if that was all he does, I'd be livid. Instead, we share the laundry, he's as likely as I am to be running the hoover round/sweeping up. Tidying up/dishwasher etc is pretty much split. He cleans the bathrooms and changes the bedding (he works fewer hours than me).

If I was doing it all, I'd be furious.

This is such a non sequitur though! Yes, life is shit for the people who are exhausted by their work and need to double down on domestic tasks in their time off. I'm not disputing that. But that doesn't mean everyone in a similar situation should strive to have an identically shit life. I mean, why? Just out of solidarity? It certainly won't lighten any single mothers' load if OP's husband takes some time off. This issue is between the two of them, and the amount of odd jobs anyone else does has nothing to do with it.

God OP I feel for you. There are loads of women on mumsnet with really low standards, you need a partner. A partner helps you and makes life easier; you are carrying the financial load, the mental load and doing the bulk of the housework. This 'man' doesn't contribute more to the family in any area of life than you. It shouldn't be up to you to carry every aspect of the family. That isn't a partnership

I mean yeah it's a red flag, but it could just be a red flag for the relationship. Some people struggle with mental health, others don't think anything boring or menial is their responsibility...

Someone who couldn’t find the energy to post a parcel or send an email.

But was able to do the table.

Believe me, my DH (and by extension, I) went to hell and back during his breakdown, so I have more experience than I would want in the route that ended up in that.

But unless OP has left out a lot, I'm still finding it far more likely that he just didn't get round to the two simplest things on the list, while finding the time and energy to do something that took longer. And he'd already had a week or more away from work.

Id very much doubt they were those hours during the holiday, and even so, you still have to get up, get ready, feed, travel, get home, do it all in reverse, and parent the child when they are not in nursery, including all the washing up, clearing away, etc that involves

I'd be mad too tbf ... he could of posted the present while already out dropping D3 to nursery .... could of gone to a wee cafe after and sent an email over coffee & order the machine part online while eating a nice cake .... gone home, thrown the wood in to storage & gone and fixed the blind.... sounds like one morning worth of tasks... could of chilled for the rest of the day and done the table the next day .... boom list done and still plenty of time to relax 😌 I've ADHD so I'd be very like your DH in terms of task avoidance on days off work, to not shoot myself in the foot I would of knocked it all out the first morning so I could enjoy the rest guilt free

@HamsterOfDoom

I think that would be worth investigating if OP was saying this was out of character for her DH.

But she isn't. Shes described a pattern of behaviour over many years.

No indeed it isn’t just teachers that burn out. OP is the one working up to 15 hour days, she is the one carrying the mental load, running the house and children, while her DH behaves rather like her son, and you’re concerned about her DH burning out?

I would say that her current workload + the stress of her DH not pulling his weight is unsustainable. If things don’t change she will either burn out herself or end the marriage.

And?

I mean that is just part and parcel of being a parent is it not?

I do wonder if some posters realise how patronising they're being to men by implying they can't possibly drop their child to nursery and pick them up at the end of the day without needing a 7 hour lie down in between.

I think the important question is who puts the jobs on the list? If it's basically your list and you're trying to get him to do stuff that you put on it, then you are on a hiding to nothing. If it's a joint list and you both add stuff then that's more likely to get done between you.

Maybe have a chat about what is on the list and which of those things he agrees are important (and be prepared to delete some of them). The ones he thinks are important are inevitably going to be the ones he does, the ones you think are important will be the ones that you do. I do very different things from DH in our house because I think very different things are important. Basically we tend to agree on what needs doing and who will do it. (If he thinks something is important and I don't then it's down to him, and vice versa).

So, for example, I tend to sort out birthday party type presents for other kids. He sorts out presents/cards for his side of the family and tends to be the one who gets round to doing presents for our kids/Christmas stockings first. We take one kid each when it comes to managing school lunches etc since they go to different schools. Neither of us interferes with the other's domestic jobs, or does them for them. It's down to them to deal with the consequences of them not being done.

That said, neither of us are teachers.

When you take time off does your husband leave you lists of jobs to do?

Why do you feel the need to 'sort out' his grandmother's birthday present?

Leave it to him. If he does, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. And sending him a list?

You sound quite controlling.