DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

[KeepingKeepingOn]

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

We actually have a bit of a joke because he kept using ‘for you’ e.g. ‘I’ve picked up some nappies for you’. I called him out on it because so much of these errands aren’t ‘for me’, but are for our family! He was a bit embarrassed and apologised; still uses it from time to time though…

I think all this is testament to the fact that you don’t have the chores properly divided 50:50 with his taking full adult responsibility for his part.

You’re carrying the mental load and are reduced to sending him lists which he ignores.

That’s the conversation to have not bicker over lists and individual chores. Focus on the bigger picture. Unless he takes full responsibility in this partnership these gripes will be endless.

Agreed @Mirabai but any tips on how to have that conversation without it just making him defensive?!

Quite. And if he pulled his weight he wouldn’t need to be re-sent joint lists.

Completely irrelevant to this thread, but I’ve learned that you can oil a table!

I'm a retired teacher. My late DH had a breakdown because of the stress of his teaching and managerial role and was never able to return.

But I still can't defend a teacher not being able to find time to send an email and post his own GM's birthday present during the holiday. It's ridiculous to defend that, and leads to the impression that people have on MN of teachers thinking that they're somehow special

Urgh. It feels really disrespectful from someone who is supposed to be your partner.

I think the only thing you can do is withdraw labour where it impacts him, to try to redress the balance a bit. Stop doing his laundry, his family’s birthday/Christmas gifts, make him default childcare for school holidays etc. Claw it back where you can, and see if the resentment reduces. If it doesn’t, you may well be better going it alone.

But also that you don’t have to, I hope 😂

it’s a very old stripped kitchen table - treating it with teak oil every 6 months or so keeps the staining to a minimum. Not essential, but does make it look better / be more durable!

Focus on how on how thing are for you. And making him aware (as he’s apparently unaware of what you’re carrying) rather than criticism - which is hard.

If he’s a defensive type not sure that it’s possible to have that conversation without him becoming so. The key is how you tackle the defensiveness.

DH does this.... with an arched eyebrow and a smirk and then we both fall about laughing for 3 minutes while the DC look at us as if we've grown and extra head!

It's so amusing for us because we know that sadly, this is how sooooo many men think.

(we also spent WEEKS saying, whenever one of us left the house for any reason, leaving the other one at home with the DC, "oooh, so you want ME to look after the children so YOU can go to work/do the shopping etc" then giggling hysterically, because this was something BIL actually said to SIL in complete and utter seriousness (he works 20 hours a week, minimum wage - she does 50 in high paying role).

I was a teacher when the DC were young and there's no way they went to nursery or holiday clubs. Mostly because I enjoyed being with them and also to save the costs. I can't imagine how he justifies doing this - you need to stop enabling him.

I’m a teacher and anecdotally, all the female teachers I know sucked up the childcare over the holidays element of the job whereas the males seem to make tons of excuses as to why it shouldn’t fall on them.

We always saw it as a huge financial benefit that I’m off over the half term holidays and yes - when they were small it was awful at times; my ‘holidays’ were anything but relaxing, but it saved us a ton of money in childcare, and now my children are older, it’s a joy. I get to spend time with them doing fun things AND I get down time AND I get to keep on top of the house. So times change and the hard times pass. I think your husband needs to put up with it and manage his own timetable so everything gets done. Effectively, he should be treating half terms as him being a SAHP - making everyone’s life run more smoothly so weekends and shared leave can be enjoyed as a family.

I’d definitely be knocking any paid-for childcare on the head over the holidays as soon as you can. Use that saved cash for treats!!!

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe some nurseries don't accept term time only and expect you to pay over the holidays if you want to keep your place

Yep. My mother was a teacher. School holidays were not downtime. In addition to preparations for the next term and catching up on admin she didn’t have time for during the term, there was childcare, household and domestic chores for which she was entirely responsible.

Male teachers by contrast just don’t seem to see childcare as their job.

"B-but the toddler was only in nursery for nursery hours, not 24/7!!! The OP's DH still had to deal with them in the evening!!"

Bloody hell. Only on Mumsnet would you find people genuinely trying to argue that there isn't time to make a phone call and drop something at the post office during six hours of childfree time and still have hours of relaxing mooching in front of a book or TV.

That's fair enough, wasn't the case when mine were young. OP also mentioned holiday clubs implying childcare cover.

@KeepingKeepingOn I hear you! I could have written a lot of the irritations here: doing such and such domestic work “for you” (drives me wild when he says that), the being accused of being controlling as the flip side of organising everything, and just the de-prioritisation of house stuff when someone has free time!

I think you have a male/female divide, and a teacher/non teacher divide. My family are all teachers and very much have the attitude you describe of your husband - that it’s so intense during term time that they really need the break during holidays. But they don’t get that some of us have equally demanding jobs and never get the R&R that they do - that some of us are in a perennially stressed / burnt out state with no prospect of actual recuperation!

anyway you have my sympathy. I’ve found there’s no point in arguing / trying to one up each other on who is more tired, but just to be as nice and appreciative as possible and show when I am finding it really tough. DH usually steps up and does more when I am nice about it, even though I do sometimes lose my temper…

As for Gran's present: I am a huge fan of no-gift pacts and basically exchange gifts with almost no adults and mostly do vouchers for kids. I believe in Keeping Life Simple. But I'd make an exception for an elderly lady who is used to getting a gift. He should have made the effort.

YANBU. I'm a non-teaching DSL and last term really was incredibly stressful, for many reasons, so I understand the intensity of life in a school during term time and the exhaustion that comes over you as soon as you actually stop. BUT none of my female colleagues with children spend the holidays "recharging". They're all taking care of their own kids whilst simultaneously trying to do all the domestic and life admin stuff that they don't get a chance to do in term time.

YADNBU. Not one tiny bit OP. You know it though. A very frank discussion is required. As a pp wisely noted: 'Resentment ruins marriages'. However it's certainly your dh who will lose out if you decide enough is enough.

YADNBU and what I take from this thread is that there are a lot of women with really low standards. You work too. Maybe you should book a 2 week retreat to unwind and leave the fucker to it.

Because clearly he needs a list and even with one he still done feck all.

I’m glad he had the decency to be embarrassed. I’m sure he was baffled as to why you were not eternally grateful 😂

@KeepingKeepingOn

Absolutely cancel all the holiday care in the summer break. Why are you paying £1000 that could be for the whole family's benefit on just him having no responsibilities during the day?

I don't know any teachers who pay for childcare over the break - isn't that one of the reasons people go into teaching? To spend the holidays with their children?

I can’t get over that you were both on holiday but sent your little kid (presumably under 4) to nursery from 8am until 5.30pm? Would they not have wanted to be at home spending some time with their mummy or daddy? Do you guys not want to spend time with them? Where is their down time? Poor child ☹️