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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘recharged’ rather than sorted house

534 replies

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 00:15

DH on hols last 2 weeks (teacher). Last week at in-laws house with all 3 kids - all catered for, well looked after etc. This week, I took eldest 2 to see my family and he came home with youngest. DC3 went into nursery as usual on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I sent him a list of things that needed doing round the house - things that he’s known about for months, and had said he’ll do, but has also said are hard to do with 3 kids around. Fair enough. Have just got back to find he’s done 1 thing off the list (oil a table, if you’re interested). He’s done nothing outside because it’s been raining (all week?). He’s not emailed the IFA because he forgot. He’s not sent his grandmother’s birthday present (that I chose and ordered). When I asked what he has done, he’s ‘slept and recharged’, which he says he needed to do after a stressful term, and now feels much better.

We’ve ended up having a row and now aren’t speaking, which is shit as we both missed each other and it should have been lovely to be back together again. He is generally v supportive of me / my career etc, but this comes on the back of an ongoing tension around the ‘mental load’ that I feel I carry for all of us.

interested to hear views:
IABU - teaching is stressful, he was right to take the 3 days for himself and I should give him a break
IANBU - he could have done at least a few things off the list and still had a decent break

OP posts:
LysHastighed · 17/04/2023 12:44

I would stop trying to talk it through as why would it work now when it hasn’t previously?
I would either:

  • ask him to take all three kids out for an additional three hours weekly so you can do tasks from the list at that time (that should not include social tasks for his side of the family)
  • Stop doing tasks that he benefits from such as cooking and laundry to do list tasks instead.
  • Cancel childcare for all school holidays and use the money saved for a handyman

I would also just make any old investment with the inheritance if it’s yours, such as putting it in a Vanguard ETF after maxing out your ISAs . Better having it done than trying to determine the perfect way to do it (as long as you already have emergency funds etc).

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2023 12:47

Thatladdo · 17/04/2023 12:39

When you take time off does your husband leave you lists of jobs to do?

Don't be ridiculous! He wouldn't be aware that there are jobs that need to be done!

Verbena17 · 17/04/2023 12:49

If he now feels much better and recharged, surely he can get his/your ‘list’ done over a few weekends?

KettrickenSmiled · 17/04/2023 12:51

Nimbostratus100 · 17/04/2023 12:23

Id very much doubt they were those hours during the holiday, and even so, you still have to get up, get ready, feed, travel, get home, do it all in reverse, and parent the child when they are not in nursery, including all the washing up, clearing away, etc that involves

Show quote history

Why doubt it? OP spelled the hours out herself:

8-5.30, actually (private nursery).

**

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2023 12:52

Createausername1970 · 17/04/2023 11:56

We do have a division of labour, but its not 50/50 of every task.

I do all the laundry/ironing and all the shopping and cook most of the evening meals. I also do pretty much all the cleaning/hoovering etc.

But... I have no interest in internal or external repairs and maintenance. I might point out that something needs doing, but the doing of it is down to him, whether he does it himself or gets in a plumber, roofer etc. I don't care how or when its done as long as I don't have to worry about it.
I have no interest whatsoever in the garden, he does all the mowing.

I have no interest in cars. He maintains both of them and books MOTs and services and sorts out the road tax and insurance etc - and even fills mine up with fuel every month.
He also does all the tip-runs.
So I do all the everyday boring routine housework, but in return he does pretty much everything else.

Occasionally I get irritated when I am hoovering on a Saturday afternoon and he is playing xbox. But then I remind myself of all the other stuff that he does that I have absolutely no interest in, and overall I am happy with this arrangement. And so is he .

The only time I give him a list is if I am away for a few days and he needs to remember to do specific things, such as the dogs medication on alternative days. I would be most put out if he gave me a list of household stuff to do.

It works for your family,

It is not working for the OP

MsRosley · 17/04/2023 12:52

KeepingKeepingOn · 17/04/2023 10:55

Agreed @Mirabai but any tips on how to have that conversation without it just making him defensive?!

As long as you're pandering to his moods, why should he take you seriously? How he reacts to your perfectly reasonable requests is not your problem. Tell him you need a more equal share of domestic responsibility, and any refusal will inevitably result in escalation. Refuse to back down.

Tigermearns · 17/04/2023 12:53

After reading comments, I find it funny how far we've come that it used to be men whining we women just nag too much at them and other women would support us in saying well women wouldn't have to nag if you just listened in first place.... but now it's how dare you expect your partner to be a functioning member of the household you controlling abuser 🙄🙄
Why is it mothers are expected to just pick up the slack for everyone else in the household ...
No uniform, must be mums fault
Snacks have run out, why didn't mum go shopping
Dinner hasn't been made yet, well what's mum doing
Dad gone for a nap, ah he must have needed a break...
meanwhile mum is trying to sit on the loo for 5 mins even though she already finished her wee purely because she needs a break from everyone thinking it's on her to keep the house ticking.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/04/2023 12:54

Thatladdo · 17/04/2023 12:39

When you take time off does your husband leave you lists of jobs to do?

If you read OP's updates, you & @Changes17 will see that it is a shared list, which her DH instigated, as he has "If Only You'd Told Me Obvious Shit Needs To Be Done" syndrome.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/04/2023 12:56

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2023 12:41

Why do you feel the need to 'sort out' his grandmother's birthday present?

Leave it to him. If he does, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. And sending him a list?

You sound quite controlling.

REsending a list which they both agreed to.

The same shared list that her DH suggested in the first place.

BKingso · 17/04/2023 12:56

Mycatisfatafatcat · 17/04/2023 10:31

If you want to have an equal relationship stop behaving like his manager. Giving him a list of jobs - including sending his Gran a present? That’s ridiculous. He needs to grow up.

This is true but what do you do when they keep saying they will step up and just don't?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/04/2023 12:58

BKingso · 17/04/2023 12:56

This is true but what do you do when they keep saying they will step up and just don't?

Show quote history

You leave.

BKingso · 17/04/2023 13:02

OP I feel like you and I are in an incredibly similar situation.

What's your take on "LTB"?

thecathasbeenfed · 17/04/2023 13:06

YANBU in the slightest, and you're not controlling, just trying to keep the house (and life) ticking over.

If he's that exhausted from working then how is doing these jobs at the weekend going to work? Surely doing them during a longer downtime period would have been easier?

If I'd got home v late and the uniforms, book bags and lunches weren't sorted I would have been very pissed off. He needs to understand that you're a team together and that's the only way a family can operate happily.

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/04/2023 13:08

Does he have a woman at work holding his hand and making a list of jobs for him to do in his classroom?

If not, he's capable of the same at home and just expects you to carry the mental load.

I couldn't be with someone like that. It's lazy, disrespectful and selfish.

YANBU.

Kellywilldo · 17/04/2023 13:24

WhiteFire · 17/04/2023 12:07

"your table" ? Unless the op's DH never uses the table, then it is not her table and he has just as much responsibility for keeping it in good working order.

Show quote history
Happy Adam Scott GIF by Sky

‘Your table’ as in not mine… ie the OP and her husbands table?

not sure how else I could have worded it, it is her table? Far worse things on the internet to be offended by

Createausername1970 · 17/04/2023 13:29

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2023 12:52

It works for your family,

It is not working for the OP

Show quote history

But the OP said she has a phone list of stuff that they share between them that she gets annoyed she ends up doing. I am saying how we do things - that is we have our own areas of responsibility, rather than sharing everything. I don't have to worry about his areas at all, they aren't my domain. When individual tasks are shared - i.e. when you are both responsible for the laundry, thats when it can - and often does - go wrong.

She may not want to do this, its her choice. But if other people can't respond and offer suggestions what is the point of the boards and I don't see why you have got the arse with me for making a suggestion.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 17/04/2023 13:31

Teaching is stressful and tiring - over 20 years service, and now managing on 25 days leave in an equally tiring, stressful and difficult to wind down from public sector job. DC still require amusing in the holidays and I no longer have the leave capacity for time to myself, jobs and children, so guess what gives. I'm not a single parent. And I'm using my first lunch time back at work unscrambling my to do list and trying to get some of my mental load on paper. YANBU OP.

Mammajay · 17/04/2023 13:32

I really don't understand you leaving a list of things for him to do, presumably your priorities . So if you were home would it be ok for him to leave you a list of things to do? Priorities, yes. A leaking loo e.g. but oiling a table? As an ex teacher, yes, you do need some time to do nothing!

greenteafiend · 17/04/2023 13:34

Someone who couldn’t find the energy to post a parcel or send an email.. and who explains that they wanted to sleep and rest… they need to be listened to at that point. Not being able to get out of bed due to depression, it doesn’t suddenly happen out of nowhere, the person has usually been pushing through for quite some time.

I reckon there is a 5% chance that the OP's husband is suffering from debilitating depression and a 95% chance that he enjoys websurfing and lolling around on the sofa and puts off life admin because it's boring.

LOL at all the people who seem to think that you need to rest for 7.5 hours between dropping a toddler off at nursery and picking them up.

greenteafiend · 17/04/2023 13:37

. So if you were home would it be ok for him to leave you a list of things to do? Priorities, yes. A leaking loo e.g. but oiling a table?

The OP has explained, numerous times, that this is a SHARED LIST. So the list is for her as well.

As an ex teacher, yes, you do need some time to do nothing!

Nobody with a young family needs to roll around doing sweet fuck all for days on end. The whole "I am a teacher, nobody can possibly know my struggles" thing on MN gets a bit bloody tiresome after a while too.

WhiteFire · 17/04/2023 13:47

No, the implication throughout this thread is that the DH shouldn't be doing anything with the table as it is the OP's table and it is her that wants it to be oiled.

Iwanderedlonelyasagoat · 17/04/2023 13:53

@KeepingKeepingOn On the days I did household stuff he did some things, but mostly did his own thing. So really what I'm asking him to do is as much household stuff as I have done, but he's had a longer holiday. We also had a week away all together.

I just don't buy the idea that it's controlling/ it's micromanaging his life or whatever. The alternative is that I don't tell him, it doesn't happen and I do all the bigger household tasks - he pulls his weight week to week with childcare/cooking/tidying/laundry but I'm the one booking appointments and sorting bigger stuff. I'm not willing to do this.

Teachers saying they need the whole holiday to do nothing - you don't get to do this if you have a household/children/family to manage and want things to run smoothly for everyone - I don't! I take a few days off then I crack on with some productive stuff. I expect my husband to do the same.

Sonofagun · 17/04/2023 13:54

I thought teachers were always catching up with school work, lesson planning, marking etc. during the 12 weeks of holidays they get every year🤔No?

carly2803 · 17/04/2023 13:56

he could have done those jobs in a day and taken 2 days to "recharge"

he just sounds lazy

KettrickenSmiled · 17/04/2023 14:02

Mammajay · 17/04/2023 13:32

I really don't understand you leaving a list of things for him to do, presumably your priorities . So if you were home would it be ok for him to leave you a list of things to do? Priorities, yes. A leaking loo e.g. but oiling a table? As an ex teacher, yes, you do need some time to do nothing!

You'd understand if you read OP's updates.

The list is shared, & it was her husband's idea in the first place.
So yes, he too can add chores to the list.

I'm not sure why you are special pleading for him because he's a teacher. OP regularly works 15 hour days. Where is HER time to do nothing?