to not want another baby?

[mummoomin]

I just found out Im pregnant with my third baby. Ive two of 6 and 2 years old. This was a mistake. My husband is taking it in his stride and just assumes we will be a family of three children.

I dont want another one.

We have enough space and money to support another child, though probably couldnt send three to private school and holidays wouldnt be quite so nice.

I love the two Ive got.

Am I being unreasonable to want an abortion despite him wanting to go ahead?

Oh god, what a mess.

I do think that you have to work out what impact an abortion would have upon your relationship with your dh. You have to have a serious and completely frank discussion with each other.

Does it really matter WRT private school?

TBH the two reasons you've given re: private school and not such nice holidays don't wash with me, but I'm not you.

You love the two you've got. Do you really think you wouldn't love another in the same way?

Have you got time (in terms of how long you've been pregnant) to mull it over for a week, talking talking talking with your dh?

How do you actually feel about another baby - you haven't explained that?...aside from the practical implications...Is it the pregnancy/birth/early years inplications? The childcare issues vs. work? Or do you already feel "complete"? Might be worth talkingit all through with a friend/counsellor independently of dh so you are clear first why You don't want it before you take any steps....

Ah.
You're not being unreasonable to want an abortion, anymore than he is to want the baby.

It's a tough situation, on one hand why should he get to choose, on the other, why should you.

Does he know you dont want to go ahead with the pregnancy?

I'm with pooka on your reasons, is there more to it? I'd imagine most people have tons of reasons for or against another child and maybe the money is the first issue you thought to talk about or perhaps the easiest?

when yopu think how desperate some people are for children this the reasons you give do not seem very concrete to me but perhaps there is an alternative, oerhaps you could grow to love the child, are the reasons given the real reasons you feel or perhaps is there something more you havent mentioned?

YANBU in how you feel. You would, however, be very unreasonable to act on this without really thorough honest discussion with your dh. this is his child too.
I agree with pooka, that private schools and nicer holidays would to me be an unspeakably awful reason to abort a baby. But I'm not you - so you need to talk this through urgently.
I also have no doubt that if you were to have another, you'd love it as much as you love your other two.

Bemylilbaby, the problems and desperation others face in trying for a child, sad as they are, are irrelevant to this.
We are lucky to have choice, and shouldn't be made to feel guilty for exercising that right.

Obviously the final decision has to be yours because it's your body. But you do need to talk it through thoroughly with your DH and allow him to at least air his feelings on the subject. Unfortunately continuing or not continuing a pregnancy is not something you can compromise on, but if either of you feels that the other one has forced you into the decision, the resentments can poison your relationship.

primark - I wasnt judging just giving the OP a bit of perspective because i felt there might be underlying reasons for OPs feelings, perhaps previous PND, relationship issues,i am pro choice myself also but think perspective is important too especially as op clearly loves the two children she has

Wow that's tough! You have to be realistic and realise that an abortion now won't 'solve' your problem.

You have to face it that everything has changed, whatever you do. Although you don't want this to be happening, it is and it might help if you let your mind open to all the options.

Would it really be that awful to have another baby? How will you feel 5, 10 years down the line? How will your husband feel 5, 10, 15 years down the line?

This gonna take a lot of talk, talk, talk.

in response to AIBU - definately not, not in the least you have do whats right for you and your family

Agree, others who have problems trying to get pregnant are completely irrelavant to this. A woman posts to say she's having a difficult time deciding what to do, how she feels etc about being pregnant for the third time and the response is 'well it doesn't sound like a good reason to me, there's people out there who can't have kids......'

This isn't about other people and it isn't about us. It's about the OP. How we feel about abortion isn't important or relavant.

When it comes down to it, you have to do what's right for you. You say your DH is taking it in his stride. Well of course he is. He doesn't have to go through the pregnancy or labour does he. Yes his input is vital, but he isn't the one who has the physical and emotinal sides of pregnancy to deal with, you are.

Nobody can make you have a child that you don't want. Just because your DH has accepted it doesn't mean you're going to be happy about having another baby. You need to sit down and have a serious and honest talk about this. If you are 100% certain that you do not want this child, I'm sure he'd accept it and support you.

It's a horrid situation you're in. But your reasons for not wanting to continue are yours and perfectly justified and valid. It's a personal situation and how others feel about it shouldn't cloud your feelings on the situation. YANBU.

Our relationship is fine, married 8 years, happy. I stay at home with the kids, he has a job he loves.

I love my daughter`s school. Its not cheap but she is far happier there than she was at the local state primary. I just want to give the children we have the best start we can possibly give them. With three, things would have to change a bit. There is nothign wrong with state education, just where we live the schools are not very nice, and since we could afford to do it, we sent her out the state system. I was hoping to be able to do it for both of them.

Three lots of school fees is absolutely impossible.

I enjoy the standard of life we have at the moment, having struggled a lot when we were first married. I dont relish having to make cuts in that. I know it sounds awful, but it is how I feel.

I manage with two, I just dont know how I would do it with another one. WE have got into a nice routine, the two of them now get on well.

I dont like being pregnant, I had not nice birth experiences with either of them. I got through the last one by telling myself that I would never have to do it again.

Of course once the baby was here I was totally in love, slight baby blues, but nothing too awful and recvoered as soon as my body started feeling normal.

Breastfed both of them till 18 months.

I have my family, the one I always envisioned myself having, and I am so very lucky.

I was on the pill and trying to persuade dh into a vasectomy.

I do adore my children. They are funny and sweet and kind and lovely. I love being their mummy, and I love being dh`s wife.

Im 8 weeks. I normally lurk on mumsnet...

I suppose it can wait a little longer, Ive booked dh for a chat and a movie, and got mil to babysit tomorrow. Ive tried to tell him that perhaps we should have an abortion, but he just wont hear of it, and gets upset and asks me if I want chocolate. I love all my family. I just really want it to stay the same.

it sounds like you have considered all the options, and i am sorry for initially questioning your reasons, you sound very sure of your reasons, and perhaps if you can talk to DH and tell him these reasons he will come around, as previously mentioned it is your body that would bear the pregnancy.

i hope it all gets sorted out for you.

mummoomin hugs to you babe.

It is really scary to find you are pregnant by mistake (ive don this twice ). No one knows but you how strongly you feel about this. My feeling is that you are scared and that is totally understandable.

Your sentence about the private schools made me smile to myself really. Does it MATTER? but anyway, i think that is completely irrelevant to you at the end of the day - you are trying to rationalise your feelings is all. That is why it made me smile, everyone is jumping on that, but im sure that isnt going to be what influences your decision.

Its difficult for me to advise because i have a bias to one side of the argument, but i just wanted to offer my support.

One thing is VITAL here though, you MUST TALK to your DH about this. And do it SOON, if you really think you cannot go through with this pregnancy then you have to let him know you are having these thoughts. This is because you do not want him getting into the mindset of "we are having another baby, great, its going to be hard, but you know what, its pretty bloody wonderful really" and convince himself he is happy, because then he will be and that can only cause problems if you see what i mean. At the end of the day, only you can decide, but if you listen to what your DH really wants deep down then it will help you decide. For one thing, and im not saying this is the case, he might be saying he wants to go ahead because he is scared to broach the subjet of abortion with you and is trying to make you feel better? So, you see how importand it is to really understand what you both want here.

Can i pass on my expereince?

I was 19 when i had DD1, and my partner left me - no loss Things worked out ok for me, i met DP 15 years ago when DD1 was 2 and he is her father figure. Then i go back to uni do degree and PhD and in final year of PhD i get pregnant,i was HORRIFIED. My own personal beliefs (im a lapsted catholic) meant i never really considered termination (well not out loud anyway ). But i felt all the things you do, i loved DD1 and felt it would detract from our relationship. I had just finished my PhD and had a shed load of debt to pay off too. DP and I NEVER wanted any more children. But we set about convincing ourselves it was going to be wonderful. You know, it WAS/IS ,,,,naturally my little girl is my life, i cannot even imagine her not being here. She is part of me and my reason for living. But i tell you what, things have been hard for us, no money, PND in a big way and she STILL doesnt sleep through the night (aged 2.5). Sometimes i look at pictures of DP and I on horse riding holidays etc, and i think, i wonder what things would be like now if it wasnt for DD (i was planning on getting a horse, my lifes dream). But then i look at DD asleep in her cot, when she puts her arms round my neck when she tells me that she loves me - and i THANK GOD that i was blessed with her.

I hope that doesnt sound like a pro-life tirade, it most certainly isnt. But all i am saying is, i felt like you did, i just didnt tell anyone. I dont regret my decision. Would i have regretted a termination? Who can say?

I do know one thing though - i think whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you, and you wont regret it either way, because you have good reason for your doubt (your family is complete, it matters not about private school but you know that anyway) but just be kind to yourself, whatever you decide. I for one certainly wouldnt judge you either way.

Your last sentence is really interesting - you feel you have your life just as you want it, and dont want anything to change. Unfortunatly real life isnt like that. All sorts of things happen - your DH could lose his job, your dd might start having problems at school and NOT enjoy it any more, one of you could get ill.... This might sound as if I'm going a bit off piste, but I guess the point I'm making is that you clearly have a strong need to feel incontrol of your environment. You feel you have life just as you want it and are scared of something rocking the boat. The thing is, something has rocked the boat. Whatever choice you make, things won't be the same any more. If you have the child, things will change (though not necessarily in a bad way) and if you abort the child then it will have an impact on both you and DH.
There is no simple solution.
I do think though, that you're ver fixed in your views, and maybe taking a more flexible approach to life. You mention you dont work at the moment. What's to stop you getting a job a bit later on so you can afford 3 sets of school fees as thats so important to you??

of COURSE you are not being unreasonable, how on earth could you be?

I also tend to feel that, in the final analysis, its YOUR choice, not your dp's.

That said, I really didn't want a third child, I went through most of the pg being deeply ambivalent. Dp REALLY REALLY didn't want another one. DD2 is now nearly a week old and we are so very glad that we have her.

BUT BUT BUT

my objections were practical-money. If money had been no object, I'd have probably planned 3 kids. The money stuff does pale into insignificance once you actually have the third child, IMO-I started a panicked thread worrying about how i was going to afford a new car (I NEEDED isofix) and organic food . And Clark's shoes, IIRC. Well we CAN'T afford a new car, or organic food, and are hoping that the kids feet don't grow much in the next year, but it is honestly ok. (god I am at that thread, please god I put it in chat...]

I think I am trying, in a garbled way, to say that things do look very different in terms of not being able to afford things once you actually have 3

but if you have a deeper emotional objection then thats diferent.

Sorry just realised how crappy my typing was in that last post.
Would also add that my 3rd pregnancy was unplanned - would probably have wanted another but definitely not 14 months after my very traumatic birth with dd2. I felt it was the end of the world. Honestly. I didnt think I'd cope at all, financially we were in a mess (I was just about to return to work and suddenly was looking at two sets of nursery fees).
Needless to say, having DS was the best thing we ever did. Yes, our lives changed forever, we became a family of 5 not a family of 4 and we had our ups and downs. But you will love this baby just as much if that the choice you make.

so if you go ahead with an abortion and your dh leaves you because of it will you be able to cope as a single parent?

Life very rarely turns out the way we plan. You had your life planned out but that's changed now because you are pregnant. And it's changed regardless of whether you go ahead/terminate the pregnancy. If you go ahead and have this baby then you might not be able to afford private school. If you terminate this pregnancy your dh may feel so resentful over the fact you denied him his 3rd child, that he may decide you no longer have a future together and he may leave and then ... you will not be able to afford private school.

Terminating a pregnancy is a massive decision. One which, IMO, should be based on more than just whether you can afford to send your children to private school.

You need to talk about this, calmly, and rassionally, and discuss whether, finances aside, a 3rd baby will destroy your lives so much as to warrant terminating this pregnancy. And I disagree with the centiment that it's your decision alone - it isn't - it's your dh's child as well.

Its ok, I was expecting peple to jump on me a bit, I was just hoping to talk it through so I could get it clear in my mind before I really have a chance to talk to dh properly.

Im not doing this with a light heart, not at all. Im very sad, and shocked and feel a bit silly for getting knocked up accidentally at my age.

I dont want to get into the school thing too much, but dd was very unhappy at the state school, is a bit of a flower and was having trouble making friends. There were no other places in a school close-ish by, so we paid...and she is much happier. The environment is much more peaceful and she is having a great time.

My husband and I both believe that it is best for our kids for me to stay at home with them unti they are in their teens, and then to be there when they get home from school. Now I am going to get lambasted, arent I! We are lucky we have that luxury, I know that.

The school issue is a huge part of it for me, but I wouldnt abort just because of that.

I know things change, but in this case they dont have to. I can keep things the same, and we can carry on our lives.

Dh feels abortion is murder - not a catholic, and will nto hear even talk of it, he just points at the two we have and shakes his head.

Apart from that, my oldest doesnt get what they used to get in terms of my attention, and now will be pushed out further, and my little one is still small, and I woudl feel I woudl be spread too thinly.

Those of you who have more than two kids, is it very hard to give them the attention they deserve?

I know that in order to keep everyone together and happy (dh would be absolutely devestated) I will have to go through with this, and get on with it. I will talk to him over the weekend though.

Goodpost wannnabe

Wannabee why would her DH leave her if she took this option?

plus, for the record rassionally Rationally

why wouldn't he?

the op said he believes abortion is murder. so, to his mind, the op is going to murder his child.

I'm not anti abortion, but if I murdered my child my dh would almost certainly leave me, so if someone holds that view of termnating an unborn child then it's entirely possible he might feel such resentment that the marriage would no longer have a future for him.