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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want another baby?

138 replies

mummoomin · 15/02/2008 12:03

I just found out Im pregnant with my third baby. Ive two of 6 and 2 years old. This was a mistake. My husband is taking it in his stride and just assumes we will be a family of three children.

I dont want another one.

We have enough space and money to support another child, though probably couldnt send three to private school and holidays wouldnt be quite so nice.

I love the two Ive got.

Am I being unreasonable to want an abortion despite him wanting to go ahead?

OP posts:
FioFio · 15/02/2008 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 15/02/2008 13:23

How would you feel if your DH didn't want the baby and you did?

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 15/02/2008 13:23

Well I xposted didn't see that before I posted, but you made your comment before that fact.

Original poster
mummoomin · 15/02/2008 13:23

btw the school thing is not a status or even an educational standard thing, it is just my child was so desperately unhappy, and seeing how happy theyare now means to me that every penny has been absolutely well spent. I hated seeing them so sad.

I know we woudl have to move house perhaps, extra expense....and I dont really want to move...but maybe we could move to an area with nicer schools.

Seeing her confidence ebb away in that school made me cry every night. Seeing it come back in bucketloads makes me and everyone else, esp her, very happy indee
Fillyjonk! Organic food, clarks shoes! I didnt even think, heavens above, with my kids shoe habits we woudl be bankrupt with three....I sound like a snob, I know. Im not, really. Im trying so hard to do my best for them all, and I dont know how to do that with a larger family.

It is nice to hear people managed with an unplanned third though....

Even if money were no object, I dont think I would want another. I must sound strange. I was just happy and content with things, and of course wanted it to stay the same.

But you are right, abort, and I think dh would get very upset indeed, and it might even spell the end, considering his views. He feels it is murder...he is decent, really, and I adore him. He is a great daddy. And a good husband, he just couldnt give way on this one. and I know that.

I want a glass of wine...oh yeah..I cant...

I will cheer up.

I know I cant get rid of it, but I still cant be happy about it.

sorry everyone...

OP posts:
FioFio · 15/02/2008 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mummoomin · 15/02/2008 13:27

Realistically he wouldnt leave me but it would be a very very har dthing for him to accept I had done, and I wouldnt be able to abort without his blessing.

So...I guess I head for the hills, back to lurking and feeling throughly ashamed of myself...

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 15/02/2008 13:28

FioFio again, no I did not realise that, and why would I?

In which case I am retrospectively sorry for the spelling correction, but not at all for my points against what she said.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 15/02/2008 13:29

sorry mummoomin, I can only tell you what I would do,which wouldn't help, and it sounds like you know at heart what to do.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

FioFio · 15/02/2008 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 15/02/2008 13:30

Don't feel ashamed, there really is no point.

I have 3 and have found it very hard at times. we don't have any spare money as I am a SAHM and when extra bills come in we are stuffed.

Having said that, all 3 were planned and I would not be without them.

All you can do is talk it over with your husband. It is clear how he feels so one of you is not going to get their own way, it is a question of who can live with the opposite choice the most.

Good luck.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 15/02/2008 13:30

What?

thirtysomething · 15/02/2008 13:30

mummoonin, I really admire your honesty and realism. It's brill that you can actually say how you feel on here and put it in the context of your family as a whole. You have a much greater chance of coming to terms with this because you are very clear about how you feel at the moment. You seem very together and clear-headed and if anyone on here judges you for mentioning the abortion idea just tell them where to go! That's what this place is for- a forum to air your inner thoughts when you can't in RL. Good luck with whatever you decide...

alfiesbabe · 15/02/2008 13:33

Mummoonin - you said in an earlier post that you have the option for your lives to remain the same. The thing is - you don't. Having the baby, or aborting the baby, either way, your life and DH's will not be the same. OK, your DH leaving you is maybe the most extreme outcome, but there are many shades of grey between having a happy relationship and splitting up. If he can't come to terms with aborting your baby, then it will have an impact on him long term, and therefore on your relationship with him.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I think you're burying your head in the sand. it sounds like you had life neatly sorted out - DH working, you staying at home till your kids are in their teens (how you can decide that's the 'best' option when your kids are 6 and 2 is beyond me ) and everything in the garden being rosy. Well, real life has intervened.
I'm not trying to persuade you either way what you should do - it's got to be you and DH who talk this through. but I think by having such a fixed view of how things 'should' be, you're setting yourself up to find life very tough.

sleepycat · 15/02/2008 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fillyjonk · 15/02/2008 13:36

moomin

have you considered both of you talking this through with a third part there, eg a counsellor?

Fillyjonk · 15/02/2008 13:36

3rd PARTY

LilRedWG · 15/02/2008 13:37

Just read through this thread and I have no advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say, "Do not feel ashamed of yourself!"

I hope you and your DH can work this out between you.

ThinWhiteDuchess · 15/02/2008 13:41

mummoomin, I just wish you the very best of luck with whatever you end up choosing. I believe you are being highly responsible for considering matters such as education, and wanting to ensure you give your children (be it 2 or 3) the very best you can afford. After all, how often are girls/women on benefits lambasted for having yet another child and putting further strain on the State?

It must be an incredibly difficult decision for you to make and I sincerely hope that your DH does support you in whatever choice you make.

and best wishes.

jellies · 15/02/2008 13:44

Mummoomin
I'm so sorry! we were in this situation the other way round this time last year! I wanted the baby, he booked me an appointmnt at BPS.. I told him that I would go through with it if he had absolutly no doubt, I also told him I thought it would change me, as the person I am is very rooted in how I see myself as a mother!
I never thought my husband was being unreasonable - never.
We were as honest as we could be with each other.. it was an extreemly emotional pregnancy right up till the end, another baby almost drove us apart.. and then he arrived! I cannot tell you how much he is loved by all of us!
I hope this doesn't sound preachy, I truely feel for you! Whatever you decide needs to be the best thing for your family as a whole..
Good luck..!

Original poster
mummoomin · 15/02/2008 13:49

Alfiesbabe, kick a lady when she is down!!! Come on! Be nice. Im not really nasty, or naieve. My dh and I both worked very hard to get our life how we wanted it. We are not rich, or born monied.

We both think that children are best off with their mum at home, and as teens, their mum home when they get home from school. I dont have to justify why we feel this is bes,t and I feel if I did, then everyone would jump on me. I dont look down on mothers who work. I dont have to work, I prefer to be a stay at home mum. My husband agrees. I loved working, and miss it sometimes, but this is our choice as to how we live our lives. NO need to get quite so unkind.

Life doesnt have to change - in my opinion, it can stay the same. I would feel awful about the abortion, but I could get over with it and concentrate on making life great for the two I do have. For me, one more could put strains on our family, that could well make ME unhappy, and the two older children.

Dh wont agree with me, and I know that. I still need to tell him how I feel, even though I know I couldnt hurt him by aborting when he is totally against it. I suppose there is a small chance he would support me in an abortion, but considering his reaction when it has been discussed as a general concept, I doubt it.

Thanks thirtysomething, that was very nice of you to say that. I wasnt expecting kid gloves, but Im a bit shocked I guess at being attacked like this!

Real life sucks, I agree, which is precisely why I am much happier keeping it at bay, and protecting my little family from it as best I can. the school included. I hated to see my daughter unhappy, and to see her happy and confident again is priceless.

it sounds like you had life neatly sorted out - DH working, you staying at home till your kids are in their teens (how you can decide that's the 'best' option when your kids are 6 and 2 is beyond me ) and everything in the garden being rosy. Well, real life has intervened.
I'm not trying to persuade you either way what you should do - it's got to be you and DH who talk this through. but I think by having such a fixed view of how things 'should' be, you're setting yourself up to find life very tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummoomin · 15/02/2008 13:51

whoops pasted the message onto the bottom of mine...sorry...mistake!

OP posts:
Kimi · 15/02/2008 13:54

I don't really know what to say except you need to look at it from all sides, will you resent your DH and the child if you have to have it, will your DH resent you if you don't, how will you feel about the child in a year, or two will you blame him/her if things change for the worst financially, if you do not go ahead with the pregnancy will you be able to deal with the guilt.

It is so hard, thankfully I have never had to make that choice, although I made DH get the snip after DS2 as I wanted no more and my health was not going to manage another pregnancy, I did say that if we had an accident that I would not have the child.

Good luck, hope it all works out for you

pooka · 15/02/2008 14:09

But your existing children would have a brother or sister and they may be overjoyed by having a new baby in the house.
With regards to the schooling, there is no law that says that all your children have to go to the same school. If there would be over 6 years age gap between this baby and your eldest, your eldest would presumably be at senior school when this one starts school. This one might get into a different local state school, or the state school you weren't happy with might improve in the next 5 years, or this baby might be a different character.

Just because your dd thrives in the school she is in at the moment doesn't mean that your other children would be suited.

Just throwing some ideas into the mix....

alfiesbabe · 15/02/2008 14:10

I'm sorry you feel I'm kicking you when you're down. I'm not meaning to. But you posted because presumably you want to hear other views (after all, you could have simply talked to your DH, decided to go ahead with the baby or decided to abort it). And as you've asked for views, mine is that yes, of course we all want what's best for our families, I have yet to meet anyone who doesnt. But by having such fixed views about how you want to live your life, you've discovered that when unexpected things happen (as they will in life)it makes it doubly difficult. I always admire people who take adversities - losing a job/getting ill/unplanned pregnancy etc - in their stride. I honestly think it's the best way to be. You describe trying to keep real life 'at bay' , which suggests that your desire to protect your family from the harsh realities of life is maybe not the healthiest thing in the long run.
I do feel for you (even if that hasnt come across in my posts) and I can promise you I felt awful when I fell pregnant with number 3, and there's no doubt it put a strain on our marriage, but i also think the alternative would have created a bigger strain.

alfiesbabe · 15/02/2008 14:21

I also agree with pooka - there are so many variables here. Just because your dd was unhappy at her state school doesnt mean this child would be. Two of my children go to different schools - it's what suits them.
So many things can change over time anyway. Your DH may get a fantastic new job, you may move away to another part of the country where there are fabulous schools for free!
Or you may decide when your children are older that you don't need to be at home 24/7, and get a job which pays school fees for baby number 3! You could even go for a term time school hours job (eg teaching assistant) if being at home when your kids are there is so important to you. After all, no one needs to be sat at home while the kids are actually in school do they - it won't make the slightest bit of difference to them!
I just think there are so many possibilities out there.... just seems so drastic to be making this momentous decision on the basis of being afraid to change how things are.