to not want another baby?

[mummoomin]

I just found out Im pregnant with my third baby. Ive two of 6 and 2 years old. This was a mistake. My husband is taking it in his stride and just assumes we will be a family of three children.

I dont want another one.

We have enough space and money to support another child, though probably couldnt send three to private school and holidays wouldnt be quite so nice.

I love the two Ive got.

Am I being unreasonable to want an abortion despite him wanting to go ahead?

NAB, my husband U and talk a lot...we just dont always agree! Thats ok, we are grown up enough to know that we dont have to think the same thing on every issue. Its just that this is a huge issue..and directly affects us, and as someone said, I cant meet him halfway on it. Yes I am resentful, I am not pretending to be happy about it. Im not, and that isnt going to change overnight. Ive come to terms with the fact that with my husband`s views on abortion (really absolute, under no circumstances, baby murder....) that terminating would be absolutely out of the question. And Im not happy with deceiving him.

I AM superficial. The school issue is not superficial to me, I guess the boob job is, but I can tie my empty bags round my ears and use them as muffs and it makes me feel bad about myself. Ive got down to a nice weight, size 8/10, but my skin is stretched and no amount of exercise will get rid of that....and it makes me feel a bit bad about myself...

Ill love this baby like I love the other two, committed to having it totally now. Just worried and shocked.

Dh and I had a lovely long talk, he has gone to bed now, I cant sleep...He said he could never accept I would be capable of aborting our child, and could never accept it would be a good thing for the family. Offered to go to counselling with me if I feel the need.

I did need to talk round this and didnt want to go all serious and post in relationships.

Thanks everyone. Emotive subject, add in private schools and stay at home mum, and I guess I was always going to annoy someone! Im just pleased I didnt get decimated!

It is such a hard position you find yourself in and like you say it isn't something you can comprimise on. I wish you all luck.

mummoomin - sorry I have been sort of lurking on your thread (I have no experience of this sort of situation so I feel my opinions would not be very valuable)

I am very sorry about the dilemma that you are facing. The only thing I would say about 3 children is this:

I do not have a single adult friend from middle sized family who looks back at their childhood with anything other than fondness. I have had several friends who came from families of 3 or 4 and have stated categorically that for them they feel that there own children would be missing out if they didn't have several siblings because their relationships with their brothers and/or sisters were and are such an important and positive part of their lives.

I know that as a parent it is hard not to feel that you are spreading yourself thin, but children do not really look at things the same way. Of course with any new person in the family there is an adjustment period, but very quickly children become fiercely loyal to their new sibling. I would certainly not worry about the impact of another child on them as much as you are.

I agree. My DS1 has said he would rather have his brother abd sister even if it means less one to one time with me.

Im pretty sure the dc will welcome the baby, and get used to it pretty quickly. Dh will be happy to have another one to play with. Its ME that isnt relishing the idea.

Its me who is going to have to get up and breastfeed, when I currently get a full nights sleep. Me who will have to take all of them on the school run, deal with sibling quarrels, who will lose any time for me that I hace regained, me who has to cook, clean and generally do everything practical. .. more importantly me who is currently being sick a lot and feeling queasy all day, me who is desperately tired and needs to go to bed and rest...and me who gets to have her fanjo battered yet again when Ive finally recovered from the last birth and am enjoying sex (clearly..hahahaha...).

Its ok, it doesnt last forever, and there are ample rewards in that babytime, and I adore the kids, and love being a mother. I just am a bit shocked at having to go through all this stuff again.

...and add to that the practical worries, and it is going to send me grey.

Im getting a bit more broody I suppose, and as dh told me, look at the kids, we couldnt be without them, and we will not be able to imagine being without number 3 either. He is absolutely right. Im jsut selfish. And vomiting. I hate vomiting.

Actually Im feeling really guilty for thinking about aborting.

Thankyou for the reassurance, Im not entirely sure of the logistics of three kids, but Im sure we will quickly learn to integrate the new baby into the family.

Sounds like you're coming to terms with it though mummoonin. The pregnancy and fanjo-bashing are temporary - so I think you need to try to put it into perspective. Breastfeeding... well I never particularly enjoyed getting up in the night, but again, it passes, and at least as a SAHM you're not having to get up and do a days work afterwards!!
As for the cooking/cleaning/school run - well, you have to do those anyway, so i really dont see how one more makes a huge difference.
Probably the hormones making you feel like this atm. I sympathise - it's tough to face an unplanned pregnancy when you had other ideas for your life, but I'd sure it will pan out fine.

mummoomin your last post made me all teary (blame the pg) because everything you said rang true to how I felt when pg with dd. and it's true it ME who had to do all these changes (and god did I resent dh for that) when I wasn't at all prepared. It has been tough at times I cannot deny that and even now sometimes I think... how did I get here? I never thought I'd feel guilty about how I felt then as I love dd to bits and could not imagine life without her. However another thing WE have to go through is the guilt of feeling we didn;t want the baby and were not so happy. It's much easier not to be scared or worries or not to resent the baby for taking over your body and your life. I do feel guilty now that I am pg with dd2 and planned as if I am giving her more than I gave dd1. I know it's stupid but hey...

It doesnt sound at all stupid, Pippi, it is how you feel and guilt is never easy to handle. even if it is inappropriate. I figure at least it is just me who gets to feel guilty, the kids wont have the foggiest and dh has already forgotten I was/am wibbling.

It will plan out fine, and as pointed out, Im a sahm, so I have a very easy life

As I keep telling dh, I DO do a full days work! I dont sit eating cake and watching tv all day. In fact I found work a lot easier than everything i have to do, and at least got weekends off.

I think I will stop digging myself into this hole!! Its all fine, and I even get to choose new baby stuff, which is pretty fun.

I had awful births with the first two, and lots of interventions. Left me in a lot of pain and not enjoying sex for a long time. Lets hope this one doesnt cause such damage.

Ill love this baby just like I love my other two and try and stop feeling quite so upset about it.

Didnt mean to offend over the SAHM thing. I'm not saying you sit and eat cake all day!! I was simply pointing out that when you're doing the night feeds,not having to get up, get baby to nursery and do a day's work yourself the next morning is easier than being able to stay home. I know - I've dont both

• done both

mummoomin, if you do have this baby can you look into how you prepare for the birth and the first few months, eg a doula, help with some of the domestic chores while you're pregnant and in the first few months? Could the NCT put you in touch with someone to talk about the interventions and problems of childbirth that you had - I know they have contacts for vaginal birth/home birth after caesarian, and that may not be what you want but perhaps there could be useful ideas from that direction. You didn't choose to be pregnant again, but perhaps you should talk to your dh now about how you could make it better for all your benefit.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

FWIW I think you're really brave, and if I may say so, doing the right thing - it must be really really hard though. I totally sympathise with the private schooling and attention for the existing two children, we are definitely (well barring accidents!)going to stop at 2 for exactly those reasons - although I am one of three and love having two brothers, couldn't imagine what it would be like to only have one other kid to grow up with and feel almost sad for DS that at most, he will get only one sibling.

With any luck, this reluctant position will be taken out of my hands in the way it has been for you! (and I'm not being flippant honestly, I know you have serious reservations about this)

As for the schooling thing, don't forget about bursaries, scholarships etc - your children are quite young, obviously your child is happier at private school but there is no reason why when number 3 is older they have to go to private school then , it could wait until 13....

Good luck. Will be thinking of you. And definitely get some counselling and raise the issue very early in your maternity care about your worries over the birth. You are clearly very intelligent and able to speak for yourself, make sure you get the support you need.

I'm so glad you came to a decision, and your relationship with your dh sounds lovely.

You will be fine, and I do not believe it would have been fine and nothing would change if you had decided to terminate (Just my opinion - and some personal experience).

Have you considered an elective cs if you really can't face the birth? (puts tin helmet on). If your consultant would consider it as an option it might make it easier to face the prospect of going ahead with a 'normal' birth.

I had a disastrous ec with my first child. Second time I wanted a VBAC, but decided I'd only go through with it if everything progressed OK. It didn't, and rather than go through interventions I decided no drugs, no acceleration etc. just go straight for an epidural and cs. It was a lovely peaceful birth, even though it was a cs in the end

Unreasonable is not the word. This is a moral question. If you abort, you live with the consequences, although you can probably keep the information from every one you know, if you haven't already told people you're pg. So what matters is what you think of yourself, not what any of us think or would do in your situation.

Message withdrawn

mm. sorry hav'nt read the whole thread. ive been in a similar situation to yourself;such an important decision to make, with so little time to make it in.

i keep typing sentances, then deleting what ive said because i don't want to tell you what to do,judge you or upset you. i can't help but feeling that just maybe(or maybe im wrong)you just need some reassurance that it will be alright.whatever you decide,i think you will know in your heart whats right for you and your family.i wont bore you with my story now but im sure if you look in the archived threads you might find it somewhere. sending you a big hug(())

xx

Alfies mum, its ok, I found it quite funny, it just smarted a bit. Guilty conscience perhaps!

Bubblepop, thank ou very much, I read your thread, and it did help. Im trying to think about the baby, not myself, and remember what its like when they put the baby onto your tummy and you feel and see them for the first time.

Dh got quite upset earlier, we had another long talk and he he wanted to know if I was serious about aborting the baby. I showed him this thread and he was a bit upset that I was seriously considering it....He really didnt mind me talking it through anonymously, and now is the biggest fan of mumsnet ever. WE have kissed and made up, ut Im absolutely certain that had I aborted against his wishes he have never forgiven me, even if he had stayed, which he said he would have...

I am a selfish moo, arent I!.

He is going to work tomorrow, put in extra hours, and try and get promotion/get the overtime money. Sad. I love our weekends. But he is right, I have no right to choose whether the baby lives or dies and it is more important than our comfortable life.

We did however decide that we will go private, employ a doula and a maternity nurse for a few weeks after the birth. He is a bit anti c section too (he would be . However, if I really dont think I can do it again, that is negotiable, I think....at least I hope!

Dh is no angel, but he is a good husband and I love him dearly. This is just one of those things we are going to have to cope with.

I just cant equate aborting an embryo to murdering a child. Does that make me a bad mum?

but not going to do it, and will be trying to find a doula and try and get through the morning/evening sickness. That is why Im up so late, I feel so queasy...

Message withdrawn

..No, not at all. I just force fed him books on childbirth and statistics in our first pregnancy. He took it to heart that it was safer for mother and baby to have a vaginal birth. He worries a lot that something might happen to me or the baby - has did the last two times, and just wants me and the baby to be ok. He would need persuading that it is safe, thats all.

Im just being a bit pathetic not wanting to go through that again.

If I do insist that there is no way I could go through another vaginal birth he would support me with an elective section, Im sure.

I cant believe Im having another baby! I got rid of everything - cot because ds started scaling the bars, baby bath, baby clothes, maternity clothes. Everything. And the next month of no bleeding and feeling sick I think hmmmmm maybe pregnant. And there I go. I even got rid of the sheets, blankets, boy and girl clothes. The lot - to a good cause, of course. Even the moses basket.

I dont know whether to laugh or cry.

Im going to go for counselling next week, alone, as I need to talk everything over. I really didnt want another and was being responsible with the pill, and asking dh to do the sterilisation thing...But there you go.

Ive booked a private scan for next weds to check exactly how pregnant I am. It has crossed my mind that Ive no idea of my dates, as the pill isnt a proper period...and dh is paying for me to go private this time.

Maybe a natural birth with a doula and things a bit less medical and a bit more comfortable might be in order.

mm. i did think from your post that you were REALLY REALLY scared of birth. hiring a doula if you can do it has got to be a good, positive thing, for you. arm yourself with as much info as possible, and plan do do things differently this time..that way you will feel as if you have some control. i wish you the best of luck...it will be ok i promise you. i look back now..my baby is 2yrs now..and feel horrified that the thought even entered my head...but it was fear that brought it there. she is the most preciuos thing in the world to me. good luck.

We had an unplanned pregnancy at a really ridiculous time - I had just started full time work for the first time in twelve years, we'd just outgrown all need for childcare, and were starting to have a relatively 'easy' time.

Enter DD. She's fantastic

Thanks bubblepop. MIL came early this morning at our request to take the kids and dog for a walk. Dh told her I am pregnant, so that does it really....its all out there... Dh has gone to work, when he doesnt usually go in on a weekend at all, saying he should try get some overtime in and talking about promotion.

I know it will be ok, and yes, I am really scared. Last time I thought I would lose the baby as his heartrate rate decellerating, and I had no idea how anyone could pull a little baby`s head like that and the baby be ok...it was awful. Extraction rather than birth iykwim. I am NOT doing that again.

I adore ds and he was absolutely fine, home that afternoon with me and just a bit bruised. Same with my eldest, awful birth, and a while in neonatal

..sorry someone just tried to break intgo my fucking housem, just waiting for police

fuck

Hi mummoomin

I've only really read your posts after the first couple of replies.

I think we were on the same antenatal thread, and iirc you had a difficult time with your dd2? Were you in hospital some time before having her?

Reading your posts, I can totally see where you are coming from. I had a scare a month or so ago, and the thoughts I was having whilst I was burying my head in the sand and not wanting to test were not nice, and I wouldn't have been comfortable with being pregnant. The things crossing my mind at that time were thinking of all the things I wouldn't be able to offer my 2 year old, rather on the things I could offer another.

I am glad you and your DH have had a good talk, I hope you get what you need from counselling.

mummoomin - I think I do have you confused with somebody else with a similar name, Sorry!

And I x post with you - so sorry to hear about somebody trying to break into your house! Hope the police are there soon (hugs)

Message withdrawn