to not want another baby?

[mummoomin]

I just found out Im pregnant with my third baby. Ive two of 6 and 2 years old. This was a mistake. My husband is taking it in his stride and just assumes we will be a family of three children.

I dont want another one.

We have enough space and money to support another child, though probably couldnt send three to private school and holidays wouldnt be quite so nice.

I love the two Ive got.

Am I being unreasonable to want an abortion despite him wanting to go ahead?

No, your views on abortion don't at all make you a bad mum.

Glad to hear you're talking about choices over the birth. Again, whether to have an elective cs is your choice but hopefully the doula can help you if medical advice for example is to try and go for natural delivery.

It's a bit suspicious isn't it, that he told his Mum? After he'd seen this thread and knew how serious you were about aborting. I do wonder if he was getting the news out to force your hand.

In terms of the birth, it is YOUR choice and he will have to like it or lump it. If you want a vb with doula, then fair enough, if you want an elective cs, then that's fair enough too. It's your body. I do worry that he's taking control of the situation.

And you're NOT a bad Mum for considering abortion. It's a potential baby, it's not a baby yet and it is a big deal for your body and your lifestyle.

Final point - how did things go with the police?

"it's a potential baby, not a baby yet" is a matter of opinion. By this time, the clump of cells in your womb has a unique genetic identity. In my opinion, sperm and eggs are potential babies, but a fertilised egg is more than that. I also feel that the OP's dh has more right to an opinion on this particular clump of cells than any of us, and expressing an opinion is not the same as forcing any particular course of action on his wife. If she does go ahead and give birth, she will be the one asking for or giving to consent to any procedure.

I am sorry but I agree that he should not have much say on the way you'll be giving birth especially after your first two exp. My dh dared say once that it'd be better if I did not have an epidural ... when he'll be experiencing a birth he'll be able to decide for himself.

If you don't mind me saying it you sound quite resigned and deflated. Fair enough your DH wanting to get a promotion and work hard to support you all but does it have to be the first week end after you found out, when he knows how you feel. two more weeks of cuddling weekend won't ruin his chances of a possible promotion would it?

also please do not saying 'he is paying to go private'... they are you money too.

I think counselling is a great idea.

its all gone a bit pear shaped...

Yesterday, the kids had just been dropped back, dh gone to work for the first time EVER on a sunday...I was feeling very much justified in thinking everything is changing and not much for the better...when I heard my doorbell and noises round the front. I ignored it a bit, as I wasnt expecting anyone, then went to see who is was. I put the chain on (thank HEAVENS) and this freak just immediately started to try and shoulderbarge his way into my house. I of course fought to close the door on him. My kids were screaming, I was screaming, of course no bugger came to my rescue (too busy twitching this Cath Kidson curtains I expect). I managed to kick him and get the door closed. I called the police, retreived kids from the toilet, then spent all day with half of the local constabulary in my house.

Unbeliveable! I mean what are the odds...and there is me feeling really pathetic passing out like that..

Of course they are unlikely to catch the wierdo...

I then managed to go into shock and ended up in hospital. Ive also pulled my arm.

To be honest, its so awful I didnt know whether to post or not, but Im still shaking, and dh went to work today... of course.

To be honest, I know Ive got to get on with things, and toughen up a bit (and damn well move house as Ive pointed out to my dh), but Im really shaken.

On the good side fo things, I did get checked out and they scanned me too, and Im...16 weeks...which is pretty much a suprise to me since I had bleeds the last few months and been taking the pill, so a bit worried there. Everything seems fine.We have a heartbeat and everything is fine. I felt exactly the same heartjump as when I saw my first two for theh first time.

It will be ok. I really do not want to have another baby, but I do want THIS baby, iykwim. I couldnt abort now...

Still shaking and my shoulder and back is very painful.

OMG!!!! Poor you poor you poor you . I am enraged for you. How DARE someone do that to you.

Im glad everything is ok with the bean, what an awful thing to happen.

I know exactly what you mean:" i dont want another baby, but i want THIS baby" thats exactly how i felt - and she's bloody lovely

Hope you feel better soon.

and no, we didnt agree to tell MIL...I was a bit upset, but its ok, we had agreed that abortion was not an option, so I guess its ok.

I know, in retropect I suspect he was a bit worried and told MIL so there would be no chance of me aborting.

As for the birth, its his baby too and I have to respect his views I guess. I really really dont want to go through another vb. I know its major surgery, but Im further along than I thought and there is no way Im capable of doing a vb again. I get tearful just thinking about it.

Im booked in for counselling tomorrow and I hope they can advise.

I do wonder if it was his dick that was in jeopardy if he would have the same opinions...

Thanks everyone. What a nightmare...

I just thought I was a bit fat....How can I be so stupid. Didnt even cross my mind until I was feeling sick all the time and didnt have a bleed.

Ds had nightmares all night and this evening insisted on checking the front door and saying man? No MAN!!! Dd is just very quiet and refused to let go of her fathers leg this morning. We skipped school today, everyone too shaken up.

Imm literally shaking, have been shaking since it happened. My legs hav just gone wibbly and I was so embarressed passing out and ending up in hospital with shock (cold, heart racing, low bloodpressure.).

I am really not happy being in the house right now, but am cleaning up, so we can put it on the market. I know its an overreaction but I just cannot stay here. I dont feel safe.

Maybe Ill calm down soon.

You know the police didnt even put the kettle on, Im sure sugar and tea would have stopped the passing out embaressment.

It would help if I knew that the guy just wanted to steal money, heavens I would have given him my handbag, but I was so scared, I had no idea what to do, and he didnt seem to want to ngotiate

Money isnt everything. I need to repeat that a few thousand times...

As for the birth:IT IS YOUR BODY!!! End of story, he doesnt get a say i'm afraid. If you really feel you cannot cope with a vb then you should have a ceasarian, i actually think it would be a danger to the baby otherwise as you would be stressed and traumatised. Feeling a little cross with your DH just now, i cannot BELIEVE he went to work today!! He needs a kick up the arse!

Get on the phone to your husband and make him come home NOW!! How the hell are you supposed to cope with this alone - what have the police said they are going to do. Honestly i have never ever said this on mnet before because im wary of saying bad things about spouses, but i would like to put your DHs balls in a vice just now.

Is there anyone, friend, family, passing aquaintance you can get to come and spend some time with you and the children today?

Your husband is talking about going for promotion etc, can I just say you may find this is the biggest spur on your husband could get? My dh was plodding along in a real career rut (safe, but not brilliantly paid) until dc4 when he realised he was the sole breadwinner for 6 people! He made a brave move and within a year he had doubled his salary and has had a pretty steep climb in his career ever since. It was actually what he needed and he has loved the career challenge.

I'm sure if he had stayed in the field he was in when we only had 2, we would be nowhere near as comfortably off as we are now.

Sometimes things happen that we think are not the right thing for us and they turn out to be the best thing. Good luck. (And re baby things - maybe one of your friends is having a clear out like the one you recently had... )

And agree with LEM - you shouldn't be alone at the moment with two little ones after that. How terrifying.

Im also very upset with dh today. I really dont want to argue - I hate arguing with him, but I really needed him today, esp as dd didnt go to school and they are both shaken up.

He is a bit focused on work at the moment, and as the sole breadwinner, and another baby making a suprise entrance, I do understand and want to support him. But he has to balance work and family.

Dh just worries. I think birth scares him silly, and he thinks cs are even more scary. I could maybe handle the mutilation aspect, but not another posterior baby (which I guess it will be, odd pelvis, possibly) and the distressed baby aspect is not something I can go through again.

I just want it low risk, and gentle. Im still not sure, maybe I can have a gentle vb. But I think I definately need to talk to the counsellor, a midwife and a doula and see what they think too.

Thank you so much Lusyellensmum, it is so kind of you to take time to talk to me. Really appreciated. I do feel rather silly at the moment.

Dh not answering the phone. Ive called a million times. I think I had better stop stalking him. Coffeecrazedmama, I really think this is whats happening with my dh. He is making a huge effort, and I have to respect that. I just need him right now. Thanks LucyEllensmum...I think I might break out the nutcracker later...

Im taking the kids out with grandpa, just toys r us and a walk round. I dont feel happy being in the house alone. Ive already driven us to the supermarket, and round a bit. Might go back and stay with FIL (who is a darling) until dh gets home. The kids love it there.

Police dusted the door, and got fingerprints, maybe if the guy has previous they can find him, also pehraps got him on cctv at the end of the street. I dont have much hope of them actually doing anything. I just hope he doesnt come back.

As for baby things, I think Im going to ask dh to let me enjoy myself in mamas and papas....

FIL on his way..he is going to speak to DH and tell him he thinks he should come home early.

In his defence, dh does have a big meeting today...I guess it just isnt possible for him to stay home with me.

He really isnt horrible, just a bit...emotionally stunted at times in some aspects.

I love him very much. Im just a bit pathetic I guess.

But I am really glad that everyone here was so supportive over having the baby, I think an abortion might have been very painful emotionally after the fact and by then its too late to have regrets. Besides, I am perhaps a bit too far on anyway...Its a bit more than a clump of cells a 16 odd weeks..

moomin, i dont understand very much about posterior babies, but i wouldnt want to go through that if i absolutely didnt have to - and you dont. Would it help to agree that if you do appear to be having a posterior (sorry is that breech?) baby in scans etc to opt for a ceaser in advance? My cousin had four ceasers and was desperate for a vb but it never worked out that way, she bonded with her children just the same etc.

My last birth was (for me at least) traumatic, DD wouldnt engage and she was starting to get distressed, i was begging for a casesarian because i was convinced i was going to lose her, they were getting ready to do a forceps delivery but i think i must have thought "fuck that" and out she came I have to say it did traumatise me and played on my mind for a long time, so i totally understand you wanting to not go through this - i may not have before my birth experience if you see what i mean. I tried to talk to people about my feelings but they would look at my birth notes and see normal delivery 100% on apgar despite showing signs of fetal distress, beautiful baby girl, and dismissed it. Of course if you can go private then it may well be a whole more relaxed experience anyway - it is just a matter of staying in control as much as you can and having what you want. Yes its DHs baby too, but until he can give birth himself he doesnt have a say - sorry.

You will hopefully feel better after a chat with the counsellor, midwife, whoever - they should be sympathetic.

Have you heard anymore from the police? I have to say you sound extremely brave fighting him off like that - a tigress will protect her young thats for sure - perhaps you should have let him in and then really let him have it But seriously, you should be so proud of yourself. You protected your children, but you need to be kind to yourself. If you dont TELL your DH that you are scared etc then he wont know. Surely he could take some sick leave/compassionate leave or work from home?

I was with someone last week who was telling me about his ex wife's abortion. They stayed married a long time after but 20 years on it still hurts him so much. It ruined the marriage. You need to think about the effect on both of you. May be have the child and go back to work and he, the father who wants the child, have him do much much more at home and weekends so you are as free as if you never had the child as it's his choice to have it.

Yes, 16 weeks is a proper wee baby Little arms legs and heart, it fascinates me, how they are so small but so perfect.

You are NOT being pathetic at all, firstly, you have had a big shock, being pregnant, then you have all those pregnant hormones, THEN some freak tries to break into your house - um, you are allowed to feel a bit off kilter you know

I don't fwiw think your DH is horrible, just needs to be a bit less focused on work, but i guess his head may be a bit fried at the moment too.

Xenia, the op is going to have the baby Not sure if she is going to go back to work though - she is a commited SAHM

Dh DOES need to be less focused on work, but he just cant unfocus on it right now. They are in the middle of some big project, and DH is trying to make himself indispensible. He needs a break and he needs to be home with us more, but I dont think it is at all possible.

I have to admit to being very gooey when I saw it floating there, all peaceful and perfect. I couldnt interrupt it now iykwim. It is amazing, isnt it. Even more so, that I didnt realise until less than a week ago... !:\

I really thought Ive had recurrent food poisioning with the sickness, and it has just got worse and worse...

I think I went back into shock when they said about 16 weeks! Im in the second trimester without even realising it. WHich is partly pretty cool, and partly OMG!

I was immensely glad I had the chain, as it made it harder for him to force his way into my house and easier for me to force his foot out of it. I was so scared, and still am. I just dont want to live here anymore. I gave him a few almightly kicks, and had my shoes on, which helped, I was so lucky that he wasnt that strong, and I could get the door closed, but we had a real tussle, and dc were very scared. I was so worried for dd at the time, she is a bit meek and hates confrontation, but she was very brave and took her brother into the toilet, which was a very sensible thing to do indeed.

I AM uite proud of myself, but physically I feel like crap, very shakey, very sore back and shoulder, heart racing. I need to go to bed tbh. FIL wont be much longer, then I might ask him to drive and I sleep in the car or something.

The company is much appreicated!

Xenia, Im afraid i wont be going back to work (was an underwriter hahahaha) for a very very long time, and dh is a bit of a career freak, so there is no way of swapping roles a bit. His earning power is far greater than mine right now.

Yes, definately having the baby now. The heartbeat kinda clinched it...and seeing it on the scan. I am worried but it is part of the family now and I kind of bonded I guess. I was so worried for it when I passed out...

Every cloud I guess..

posterior - head first, but back to front - face to pubes, their back to my back, makes for a rather uncomfortable entrance and slow very very painful labour. They used forceps to turn and pull DS out, though he was a porker (10 4ounces)

Dd was more petite and just tore me to pieces - they cut me then I tore the episostomy...

I still have leaks now and again, and that would only get worse. I hate dreading sneezing!

I think I need to remind dh that all shagging will be suspended if I get hurt again...

ah yes, i remember being told about that in anti natal classes - yuck. The birth is a (relatively) long way off so you have plenty of time to consider what YOU want to do, and DH has enough time to GET USED TO IT! I know what you mean about the work thing though, DP runs his own (small) business and i have been quite good about not asking him to take time off but i have flu just now and was really not able to cope with DD. Sitting here sweating like a pig (nice).

I'm glad someone is coming to fetch you, yes, let him drive, your nerves are too fraught, take a kip in the car (take a sick bag ) and chill out.

You should be proud of your DD, what a sensible little girl - im still so that someone put you through that.

Holy cow! What a dreadful time you've been having. I'm so sorry. I'm really impressed with the way that you and your daughter dealt with the situation.

I can sympathise completely with the OP baby thing. DD was OP and I had a very bad time of it. Can't emphasise enough that it is your body and your decision. If your DH is not convinced about your worries about another OP baby or instrument delivery then send him to us!

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