to not want another baby?

[mummoomin]

I just found out Im pregnant with my third baby. Ive two of 6 and 2 years old. This was a mistake. My husband is taking it in his stride and just assumes we will be a family of three children.

I dont want another one.

We have enough space and money to support another child, though probably couldnt send three to private school and holidays wouldnt be quite so nice.

I love the two Ive got.

Am I being unreasonable to want an abortion despite him wanting to go ahead?

Mummoomin,

YANBU to want an abortion despite him wanting to have another baby.

You would be unreasonable is you had an abortion and he wanted to have another baby.

You wrote
" I want a glass of wine...oh yeah..I cant..."

To me that statement is very telling of how even though you don't want this baby you are going to do everything you can to make sure it's healthy. IMO if you didn't want it, you wouldn't care how many drinks you had.

You and your dh need to do some soul searching, and decide what is best for your family.

Good luck to you.

This is really a difficult situation, and I am very sorry you are finding yourself in this mess, for lack of a better word.

I can understand, headwise, why you don't want the Baby....heartwise, I can not follow, if that makes sense.
However, it's not me that is in the situation, and I have no idea what I would do if I would find myself pg now ...I know, I would find it the most difficult decision in the world...because, I do NOT want anymore Kids (we have 3, and I do find it very hard to cope at times...and I also am planning on going to University as of September, so, pg would really put a spanner into the works there...), on the otehr hand, I have no desire to ever experience an abortion, and I know I could not live with myself if I ever had one...! I know I could cope wiht having a abortion even less then with an unplanned child.

How do you generally feel about abortion, how do you think you feel about things if you wold abort, and indeed how will this effect your current life?

Also, you say holidays wouldn't be as nice, and about the school you wish to send your Kids...well...Holidays probably would have to be cheaper, but they still could be fabulous...and well, when all 3 go to school, maybe you could consider working part time, and maybe that would cover the 3. lot of schoolfees?
Your dh might also be up for promotion at one point, which could make a huge difference to your situation then.

In the end this is yours and your dh's decision, but, imo, the ultimate decision has got to be of the woman who goes through the pg and Birth...!
Best of luck with whatever you decide!

Have name changed as do not want to be slated over this but ...

Something to think about.
I know someone who was very settled with the life/family she had, she found out she was pregnant again and to her it was the end of the world (I personally think another baby would have been too much but I said nothing of the sort to her).

Her husband was VERY pro life and the thought of "killing" their child as he put it was not one to be discussed.
He forbid her to even think about not having the baby. She spoke to her friends (me included) he spoke to his friends (my DH included) and both of them had strong views on the out come of the pregnancy.

I got a phone call from him a few weeks later saying they had lost the baby and were heartbroken, always feeling that I will be doing or saying the wrong thing in these situations I went to visit a few days later, and was surprised to see how upset she was as she had had such strong feelings about not having the baby, I had the shock of my life when she said that she had not lost it she had been for an abortion (private) and then came home waited till he came home and "collapsed in pain" he took her to the hospital, no heartbeat, lots of blood, no baby, miscarriage!!

I felt so sad, not that she had aborted the baby but that it had to be so underhand and sly.

Don't see them much now but they are still together and he still does not know the truth.

But she has to live with the deceit.

for what it's worth, imo the jump from 2 to three children is not as much of a shock as the adjustments you have to make when you go from having one child who is your sole focus to having to split your attention when the second comes along. Don't know if this is of any help, and i know you have other things to consider, but thought i'd mention it...

for what it's worth, imo the jump from 2 to three children is not as much of a shock as the adjustments you have to make when you go from having one child who is your sole focus to having to split your attention when the second comes along. Don't know if this is of any help, and i know you have other things to consider, but thought i'd mention it...

hm, gatley,m I must admit, I wholeheartedly disagree with that...however, my situation was a 6 1/2 year agegap between es and ms, and then only 21month between ms and ys....
that closer agegap may have been the very reason that I found the adjustment so difficult...

changednameforthis,

Right now I can totally understand why your friend did that. Doing that never even crossed my mind. Im not sure its an entirely good thing that it now has. Would I? I dont think I could live with the deceit involved. I do love dh very dearly indeed, and respect him. I hope he can understand why Im jittery.

As Alfiesbabe pointed out, Im not one for unknowns. I much rather minimise the risks we take. Cant be eliminated, and yes, roll with the punches, but I cant help but think we dont need to struggle as a family.

Sure, perhaps everyone would be content with smaller holidays, the school thing. Im not so sure. I dont think I could send delicate eldest to school, and more robust middle to state etc etc...It just doesnt sit well with me. We would HAVE to move house. I guess we have time. Or yes, dh could get a promotion which would sort it, but heavens above, its a lot of money for 3.

I would move mountains to have a glass of wine or three, but while Im pregnant, Im pregnant, and if there is the slightest chance Im going to have to go through with this, Ill do everythign I can to make sure its healthy. Im not heartless, I do care a lot. I care about the two that are here already, and Im so worried that it will affect them badly.

Ive called dh and cried to him over the phone. He is going to try and come home early, and is just sorting it out now.

I do appreciate the different views, and everyone taking the time to talk it through with me.

I had 2 difficult pregnancies and found the early years with both of my adored dcs very difficult. When my youngest was about 15mths, dh and I had a very frank discussion about my/our ability to cope with any more children and whether we felt so strongly we would rather abort a third. Following this discussion, he swiftly went off for a vasectomy, so thank god the situation never arose.
I can understand OP's husband's upset at the possibility - abortion is always easier to contemplate when you DON't have to look at two existing kids sitting on the sofa watching their cartoons.
However, in the OP's latest message she says 'My husband and I both believe that it is best for our kids for me to stay at home with them until they are in their teens...'. Clearly she will take the majority of the burden of any further children and the wait for them all to be in their teens will be extended, and this issue must carry weight. I am feeling that OP might have been looking forward to combining school aged children with some other fulfilling activity of her own in her next years - study, work.
Could you not discuss with your dh whether he might take a more home-based role should you go ahead with this pregnancy - some leave of absence to enable you to work for a while, a different working pattern etc.
Nothing ever stays the same, nor should it.

changingnameforthis - that reeks of bullshit to me. Any decent practitioner knows the difference, and her medical notes would show what she had done too.

Primark, doesn't mean it would have been disclosed to the husband...if explained how he was against it, etc...

Was kind of hoping for a chance to work part time when my youngest went to school, with another one, it would have to wait another 6 years instead of 3 years...

I guess I was silly for hoping things would develop down the lines they had been going, with our 2 kids, dog, me, dh and the hamster. Private schools, a pony perhaps....We are happy now. I guess, we are going to have to make it work with three kids, and dh will HAVE to go for the snip as I cannot even contemplate four children.

He already promised me a boob job and a tummy tuck when Im ready...that will have to wait now. I know silly, but I was looking forwards to looking like my old self. Ild lost all my baby weight.

I know Im awfully superficial....I sound awful....

I cant be happy about this pregnancy yet, but when dh comes in Ill give him a hug and tell him its ok, and Ill explain that Im worried, and even thought about terminating, but it is our baby and Ill just have to manage.

The private school thing will just have to pan out, we will find a way, another 6 years before it becomes an offical problem.

Now I need to book a really nice holiday somewhere not too far away and try and calm down a bit.

I guess ive decided not to abort. Im awfully worried, I even stupidly gave away all my baby things a couple of months ago thinking ah well, we wont have more and its taking up space. Even down to the baby clothes. It was giving away the baby stuff that did it, talk about tempting fate.

Ill make my way over to the due in Sept thread in due course and hopes noone is too miffed with me not being wholeheartedly into having this baby yet and even thinking about termination.

Im damned if i do, and double damned if I dont. I cant turn back time, and make it not happen. I would liek to know how it happened though (diagrams not needed)...I think I took the pill as usual....

Ive finished a whole box of chocolates sitting here. the baby is running round painting himself with creamcheese, and Im crying. What a mess.

I cant believe I gave away the cot fgs. its not the end of the world. We can get a new cot. Telling myself, more than anythign else...

Actually beginning to feel a bit better about it.

mummoomin...very glad you have made a decision that you feel you can live with and that you are already slowly becoming used to it!
You must have been really shocked to find out you are pg, dispite using contraception.
Have you felt unwell at all recently, things like diarrhoea/vomiting, taking antibiotics can effect the way the pill works, and of course, nothing is ever 100% working.

It seems like you are living a very comfortable life, and I am sure that 1 child more won't make that much of a difference.

Best of luck to you all!

Yes made my way to due in September thread...it feels a bit funny, and Im very shakey right now, but Im happy when dh comes in I can tell him its ok, Im not going to demand a termination and my wibbles were selfish. Im still wibbling. I am not 100 percent happy about this...But I think it is the only decision I can make and EVERYONE live with.

Yes, I had an upset tummy, but not badly...Guess that was what it was.

We are comfortable, and we are lucky...not convinced it wont make a huge difference, but Ill have to wait and see.

Now Ill just have to get through the preg/birth thing again. Which im really not looking forwards to...but Ill manage...always do..

Thanks everyone...hugs

Well I wish you the best of pregnancies MM. I hope everything pans out for you.

You don't sound superficial - there's too much pain going on in your posts. That said - I do think there's a good case to be made against a lot of the things you've raised.
So - you can afford to feed and clothe another child. Your dh wants the child.
Schools can be sorted out - you should get a sibling discount at your oldest child's school, holidays can be sorted out - you may need to save up a bit longer but you can still go to the places you've dreamt of. Your physique can be sorted out - you need a new pram anyway so get one you can jog with!

You can do this - good luck

Glad you're steadying up.
3 days after I had my first baby, dh and I told everyone there would be no more. We never changed our mind. As he went off to school, I didn't resume my pre-baby life, I developed a much richer life. Then 2 years later, the Accident appeared. She is now 6. When she went off to school, I didn't resume my pre-Accident life, I developed a much richer, rounder life, I was a very different person for all my experiences.
I happen to think I was a much better person for having weathered the ups and downs, much happier with myself.
BTW, the Accident does have a proper name!

Best of luck Mummoomin. SOunds like you have made the right decision for yourself and your family, doesn't mean you'll feel 100% happy all the way through the pregnancy but you'll get there. You are not bad, wrong or superficial for having had mixed feelings, almost everyone does at some point.

Best of luck mummoomin - I really had my heart in my mouth reading this thread. It's funny how you can get so involved?! I couldn't post before because I really didn't have anything helpful to say (Christian, pro-life etc - definitely NOT what you would want or need to hear ATM!), but I do want to say best wishes to you and your family, and I hope this baby is a huge blessing to you all.

Agree with mademez. Most things to do with parenting arent 100% one way or the other. We all have mixed feelings, we all muddle through and do the best we can. And remember, your love and DHs love is the most important thing you can give this child. The rest will sort itself out one way or another.
Wishing you a good pregnancy

Bloody hell, up the sisterhood!! I think people have been a bit harsh on the OP here.

Moomin, i have been thinking about you all day. And i wanted to say to you that it clearly does matter about the private school as you already have one there. But you are right, it will work itself out

I am pretty sure that NO ONE feels badly towards you for having the colywobbles. And i think that EVERYONE here felt scared when they first discovered pregnancy, planned or otherwise. I feel that you posted on AIBU because you wanted to be talked round? It is never the place to get a balanced argument - i do think its a shame people brought the public schooling into play - its a personal thing. I would like to send DD to private school but i can't afford it. Saying that, we are very lucky and our local state schools are very good.

I'm a strong believer in fate and it seems number three was meant to be. What you said about your hubby looking at the two you have and shaking his head tells me a termination would have been difficult for him to cope with. I honestly think you have made the right decision and i am so pleased for you.

Life always throws you a curve ball and it is often the unexpected that brings the most joy. At least you didnt have a 15 year gap like i did!!! So you can actually still get on with life - maybe even get the pony .

Seriously though, really pleased for you

xxx

FWIW, whil I was pregnant with ds2 (longed for and wanted, although not really planned, after two consecutive miscarriages) I had very unhappy moments worrying about the impact on ds1. I think all life-changing events of this nature, even the wanted ones, give rise to a degree of mixed emotions.

You do (I'm sorry to say) sound a little superficial, but that is not necessarily something I can condemn you for. You sound materially a lot better off than us, I would love to be a SAHM for years to come and we are happy to afford any holiday, so I'm afraid I don't get your concerns. But someone having a tough time in comparison to me would probably find a lot of my concerns superficial. I don't think it's amiss, though, to gently remind you that you clearly are in a very fortunate position as a family and that things are thus overwhelmingly likely to be alright.

Good luck.

berolina - I think that's a very fair post. The OP clearly has a very privileged lifestyle by most people's standards and I agree that sometimes a gentle nudge to help people count their blessings can be helpful

You do sound quite resentful at the thought of having to have this baby. I think you need to talk to your husband a lot more.

I had a termination years ago. in different circumstances. I don't regret it and feel I had good reasons. however all these 'good' reasons go down the drain and seem all superficial when you compare them with a child.
Again I felt like you do with dd1. and yes again my reasons for feeling like this were all superficial, wanting to have more time with dh on our own to be reckless and enjoy eachother company (I somehow felt that 6 weeks were a bit short). Obviously now dd is 2.5 I would not change anything for the world although in my ideal/planned world I'd have had dd a few months later. I spent my pg being quite sad inside but I have learnt what other have said - doesn;t matter how much we tried we cannot plan life all the time and sometimes the unexpected is better than what we had planned.

A friend was absolutely devastated at finding out she was pg with n3. She is not confortable, she is completely and utterly rich. She felt exactly like you do. Still I do not see why this should make her superficial or take anything away from her feelings. she did have the baby since as a practicing catholic there was no other option, although I can bet it crossed her mind. When she called her brother in tears he said, we'll go back to this conversation in a year or so. and he was right, everything fell in the right place. I am sure however the pg days must have been hard and so the first few months.

I also have a friend that feeling like you do had a termination without even telling her husband she was pg. almost same sit as you. she says she does not regret it.

as you can see I am not trying to say much just to give some experiences. You've got to do what's right for you/your family.

you've got all my support, I knopw how it feels and it's not nice especially because most people for many reasons (others not able to have kids/with less money/single parents etc) will make you feel bad for having such feelings/doubts.

I'm due in October with DB2 and I am scared about how I'll deal with this pregnancy, the new-born stuff and the birth. I can't feel 100% joyful, because of those worries. And this baby is 100% planned - we had fertility treatment.
So I agree with berolina that it's normal to feel like this about such a life-changing event. Good luck, I really hope that things work out well for you, whatever happens.