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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would this put you off a new man that you’re dating?

133 replies

Serval · 16/04/2023 18:24

So I’ve been on one date with a new guy that I’ve met.

And while he initiates contact/texting/meeting up to see each other, he seems to have this attitude of “whatever, I don’t need to impress you or make a good impression”, that’s the best way I can describe it. But I can’t work out if I’m being reasonable or a bit of a princess.

Examples;

  • on our first date made a big effort in my appearance, i had my nails done at the salon earlier that day. I wore a nice dress, did my hair, wore my best perfume and wore new shoes. When we first sat down at the bar we went to, he noticed my shoes and said “wow how do you walk in them?” (They’re Strappy high heels) I said “I’ve no idea haha, I’m still getting use to them they’re new”. He then lifted his feet and showed me his dirty trainers and said “You’re wearing new heels and I’m wearing my scruffy trainers haha. (Shrugs) I should be trying to impress you but hey”
  • He admitted while we were at the bar that he’s tight with money, has put weight on recently and he’s getting ‘big saggy man tits’ 😐and that because he’s short the weight shows a lot more on him. There was a cocktail on the menu called a “Long Sclong” so he made a “joke” (wasn’t really a joke) insinuating that he has a small penis
  • I am very active, I do outdoor running and go to the gym several times a week. He dropped that line on me again “I should be trying to impress you but whatever” then admitted he’s too lazy for the gym. Fair enough the gym isn’t for everyone, but I don’t know why that line again felt a bit off.
  • The following night after the date he FaceTimed me, he was in his kitchen. He lives alone and the sink was full of dirty plates and dishes in the background. He pointed that out and said “Told you I was lazy haha” then he gave me a guided tour of his apartment, it was quite cluttered. Then he showed me his overflowing laundry basket and said “I need to do a few washes tonight” I am house proud and would be mortified in anyone saw my home like that, especially a new date.

I’m not expecting him to kiss my feet and treat me like the queen, but is it too much to ask that he not take pride of putting his worst foot forward all the time?

I want to date someone go inspires me, and I feel impressed by. It’s really hard to fancy a man who actively points out all his flaws and finds it humorous.

He’s just asked me out on another date and I’m trying to think how to say no In the nicest possible way.

AIBU and too uptight?

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 16/04/2023 18:26

God. No! Run!

JuneShitfield · 16/04/2023 18:26

YANBU.

And why feel the pressure of being as nice as possible?

Thought experiment. If you could turn him down without worrying about having to be nice, what would you say?

HundredMilesAnHour · 16/04/2023 18:28

You sound completely incompatible. He sounds like a dick with a chip on his shoulder.

OrigamiOwls · 16/04/2023 18:28

It doesn't really sound like you're super compatible.

He should at least be making some effort with you, so early on. It sounds very self deprecating.

EasterBreak · 16/04/2023 18:29

He doesn't sound like a catch op.

suburbophobe · 16/04/2023 18:29

Trust your gut. He sounds like a slob.

readbooksdrinktea · 16/04/2023 18:30

Why would you bother?

Fuerza · 16/04/2023 18:30

It's more like he's running himself down.
Like he's disclosing his faults. Wouldn't care that he wore scruffy runners on a date but being tight with money? At least he told you that.
I'm guessing his self esteem isn't great. If he thought he was your equal, he'd just tell you that you looked nice. So low ish self esteem and tight?
Would you care if it ended.

Serval · 16/04/2023 18:31

OrigamiOwls · 16/04/2023 18:28

It doesn't really sound like you're super compatible.

He should at least be making some effort with you, so early on. It sounds very self deprecating.

Yes! Self deprecating, that’s the word I was looking for. It actually made me cringe when he was doing it and made me think “what am I suppose to say to that ?”

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 16/04/2023 18:31

Jeez, why on earth do you want to see him again? He's a negging arse. Block, find your self-respect and move on.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/04/2023 18:31

The date sounds like the start of a comedy sketch 😂

Run for the hills and don't mean towards the hills of laundry and dishes at his house.

Good lord.

MintJulia · 16/04/2023 18:32

He's telling you up front that he's a slob, so when it gets to you in future, he'll be able to say you knew what you were getting in to.

Do you really want to continue?

CalistoNoSolo · 16/04/2023 18:33

Soz, you don't want to see him again... the rest stands.

Ichosetheredpill · 16/04/2023 18:33

Ugh. Get out now. If this is the effort he makes at the start, imagine being married to him. He’s a slob now, he won’t get any better.

Findyourneutralspace · 16/04/2023 18:33

He’s probably amazed you’d even consider another date with him. He’s punching above his weight and he knows it.

Just send him a quick text: thanks for the date, but I don’t think there was much of a spark. Good luck with your search!

Serval · 16/04/2023 18:34

CalistoNoSolo · 16/04/2023 18:31

Jeez, why on earth do you want to see him again? He's a negging arse. Block, find your self-respect and move on.

Sorry ? Did you ready my post? I said I’m trying to put together a text saying thanks but no thanks to a next date. I’m asking if my reasonings for saying no are unreasonable or being uptight. Either way I’m not seeing him again

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 16/04/2023 18:34

Bullet points two and four would put me right off

He sounds quite childish the way you’ve described him and you don’t sound like a match

DemelzaandRoss · 16/04/2023 18:35

So sorry.
He’s ghastly.
Get rid of.
Now.

Serval · 16/04/2023 18:36

TomatoSandwiches · 16/04/2023 18:31

The date sounds like the start of a comedy sketch 😂

Run for the hills and don't mean towards the hills of laundry and dishes at his house.

Good lord.

Yes I thought that too 😂It made me think I was in that movie “How to lose a guy in 10 days” but in reverse gender, obviously

OP posts:
ISeeTrees · 16/04/2023 18:36

Best case scenario, he's massively insecure and this is the awkward way it's coming out. But that's still not your problem- you sound like a catch OP, throw this one back.

MintJulia · 16/04/2023 18:37

Just be straight with him.

"Sorry, I'm quite a house-proud tidy-minded person and you aren't, so we really aren't compatible. Thanks for the date. Hope you find someone soon."

AdaColeman · 16/04/2023 18:38

The first few dates are when people are showing off their best side, trying their hardest to shine. This is the best he will ever be! So imagine what he will be like six months down the line! Confused

forthisinamechange · 16/04/2023 18:38

I'd be honest and say from first impressions you felt you were incompatible as he couldn't be bothered to make an effort on a first date.

TheStrangestTimes · 16/04/2023 18:39

"I don't think we're a match, I wish you well in your search", or words to that effect - keep it brief and to the point.

It's his choice to be a tight slob, he has every right to be he who is (God help him though!) but really there's no need for you to worry about how to word the rejection to him. He wasn't concerned at all with impressing you, in fact he's been very keen to show you that he really isn't a catch!

ISeeTrees · 16/04/2023 18:39

I agree with @MintJulia be honest but kind.
Sad thing is I know a guy who I can imagine would come across like this. He's a friend and would make such a lovely partner for someone, he just daren't let anyone in so puts on this stupid bullshit and bravado so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that they ditch him.

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