Would this put you off a new man that you’re dating?

[Serval]

So I’ve been on one date with a new guy that I’ve met.

And while he initiates contact/texting/meeting up to see each other, he seems to have this attitude of “whatever, I don’t need to impress you or make a good impression”, that’s the best way I can describe it. But I can’t work out if I’m being reasonable or a bit of a princess.

Examples;

• on our first date made a big effort in my appearance, i had my nails done at the salon earlier that day. I wore a nice dress, did my hair, wore my best perfume and wore new shoes. When we first sat down at the bar we went to, he noticed my shoes and said “wow how do you walk in them?” (They’re Strappy high heels) I said “I’ve no idea haha, I’m still getting use to them they’re new”. He then lifted his feet and showed me his dirty trainers and said “You’re wearing new heels and I’m wearing my scruffy trainers haha. (Shrugs) I should be trying to impress you but hey”
• He admitted while we were at the bar that he’s tight with money, has put weight on recently and he’s getting ‘big saggy man tits’ 😐and that because he’s short the weight shows a lot more on him. There was a cocktail on the menu called a “Long Sclong” so he made a “joke” (wasn’t really a joke) insinuating that he has a small penis
• I am very active, I do outdoor running and go to the gym several times a week. He dropped that line on me again “I should be trying to impress you but whatever” then admitted he’s too lazy for the gym. Fair enough the gym isn’t for everyone, but I don’t know why that line again felt a bit off.
• The following night after the date he FaceTimed me, he was in his kitchen. He lives alone and the sink was full of dirty plates and dishes in the background. He pointed that out and said “Told you I was lazy haha” then he gave me a guided tour of his apartment, it was quite cluttered. Then he showed me his overflowing laundry basket and said “I need to do a few washes tonight” I am house proud and would be mortified in anyone saw my home like that, especially a new date.

I’m not expecting him to kiss my feet and treat me like the queen, but is it too much to ask that he not take pride of putting his worst foot forward all the time?

I want to date someone go inspires me, and I feel impressed by. It’s really hard to fancy a man who actively points out all his flaws and finds it humorous.

He’s just asked me out on another date and I’m trying to think how to say no In the nicest possible way.

AIBU and too uptight?

🤣🤣🤣🤣 yes do run. It would massively put me off!!!

You just sound like polar opposites. I'd tell him you just have different habits and hobbies.

Just text him and say nice meeting you, but this won't be going any further, good luck.

He sounds revolting - saggy man tits, small dick and a slob. Urgh!

You don’t need to give reasons that you don’t want to date him, you’re not his dating coach.

”Hey, thanks for the evening. It has been good meeting you but I don’t think we’re a match for a relationship. All the best!”

why on earth are you still seeing this guy. He sounds like an absolute pig

Incompatible.

it’s quite strange not to do the washing up when a date is coming for the first time

Sounds like the "Check, Please" character on Goodness Gracious Me

He's just plain lazy, who wants to date a scruffy gIt who makes zero effort ?
You can do a lot better.

Throw this one back. At least he’s showing you what he’s like upfront.

Good question.

I guess if I was being completely honest and blunt, it would something along the lines of;

”I didn’t feel a spark, it didn’t even feel like a date as you seem to make no effort to try and impress me, it felt like you were acting like you were hanging out with one of your mates. You’re suppose to put your best foot forward in the early days and you couldn’t even be bothered to do that, so I don’t see any point in moving forward”

Im guessing that would provoke a response of “Who do you think you are, Beyoncé?” from a lot of men these days to be honest. So I think I’ll draft up a more watered down version ! 😂

How about...
Dear X, after giving a second date some thought, on reflection I haven't felt any chemistry between us. I think its best I was upfront as I dont want to waste either of our time. Best wishes for the future

You don't sound suited. But why do you need anyone's permission to ditch him? you already know what to do. FWIW no way would I go to that much effort spending money on a first date though when it's a blind date.

‘Sorry I’m no longer available’ was always my line. No guilt. He sounds like a tosser

OP although its nice to get things off your chest and feedback, in this case I wouldn't bother. He doesn't care, he won't change and you have very different standards. I'd just say thanks for the 2nd date offer but no thanks

”I didn’t feel a spark, it didn’t even feel like a date as you seem to make no effort to try and impress me, it felt like you were acting like you were hanging out with one of your mates. You’re suppose to put your best foot forward in the early days and you couldn’t even be bothered to do that, so I don’t see any point in moving forward”

See, I don’t think that’s rude. It’s direct, doesn’t shy away from genuine reasons and it’s honest about how you feel.

He can have whatever reaction he wants; you can’t control that and there’s a lot of freedom in not giving a shit about what he thinks.

In some ways it would be ruder, and crueller, to give him the low soft one or ghost him.

OP you are totally incompatible. Your values are very different.

That’s fair enough, however it wasn’t a blind date, I’d met him in person previously. And I’d still spent that money if I was going on a date with a girl friend. I like to take pride in my appearance in general, not just for a date.

I think it would be great to tell him that. It would give him valuable feedback.

Its only been one date. I think it's fine to text and say, had a lovely time, but I don't think we're compatible romantically perhaps just as friends? He doesn't want friends and I doubt you'll hear from him again!
Saying that, are you absolutely sure you don't like him? He does have some less than ideal traits, but are there things you DO like about him? You must be giving him a bit of thought to even be posting about him!
Dating is not easy is it!!

I think he's self-sabotaging as he knows you'll end it anyway

You simply say "I'm an uptown up-tempo woman, you're a downtown, downbeat guy".

Or find the song on YouTube or whatever and just send him the link.

He’s punching isn’t he. I imagine he knows there won’t be date number 2, you have nothing in common.

Say it kindly, but I can’t see it going anywhere.

I'd just be straight with him and say something like 'your a nice guy but I don't think we would work'. Or lie and say you're getting back with an ex so he'll leave you alone.

He sounds like a slob, who doesn't make an effort on a first date? 🥴 If he's like that now imagine what he would be like after a few months.

He sounds like one of those men that want to make little effort in life and will trot out "you knew I was like this when we met" in order to avoid ever having to change or compromise. Run!

Being overly self-deprecating is actually quite rude, I think. It forces the other person either to laugh at your joke, making them part of the cruelty too, or it forces them to say it's not true and compliment you. Very strange.

Nevertheless - he's either doing some kind of weird reverse negging thing, or he has absolutely shocking self-esteem and is trying to protect himself by pointing out things before someone else does.

This early on, neither is your problem.