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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this put you off a new man that you’re dating?

133 replies

Serval · 16/04/2023 18:24

So I’ve been on one date with a new guy that I’ve met.

And while he initiates contact/texting/meeting up to see each other, he seems to have this attitude of “whatever, I don’t need to impress you or make a good impression”, that’s the best way I can describe it. But I can’t work out if I’m being reasonable or a bit of a princess.

Examples;

  • on our first date made a big effort in my appearance, i had my nails done at the salon earlier that day. I wore a nice dress, did my hair, wore my best perfume and wore new shoes. When we first sat down at the bar we went to, he noticed my shoes and said “wow how do you walk in them?” (They’re Strappy high heels) I said “I’ve no idea haha, I’m still getting use to them they’re new”. He then lifted his feet and showed me his dirty trainers and said “You’re wearing new heels and I’m wearing my scruffy trainers haha. (Shrugs) I should be trying to impress you but hey”
  • He admitted while we were at the bar that he’s tight with money, has put weight on recently and he’s getting ‘big saggy man tits’ 😐and that because he’s short the weight shows a lot more on him. There was a cocktail on the menu called a “Long Sclong” so he made a “joke” (wasn’t really a joke) insinuating that he has a small penis
  • I am very active, I do outdoor running and go to the gym several times a week. He dropped that line on me again “I should be trying to impress you but whatever” then admitted he’s too lazy for the gym. Fair enough the gym isn’t for everyone, but I don’t know why that line again felt a bit off.
  • The following night after the date he FaceTimed me, he was in his kitchen. He lives alone and the sink was full of dirty plates and dishes in the background. He pointed that out and said “Told you I was lazy haha” then he gave me a guided tour of his apartment, it was quite cluttered. Then he showed me his overflowing laundry basket and said “I need to do a few washes tonight” I am house proud and would be mortified in anyone saw my home like that, especially a new date.

I’m not expecting him to kiss my feet and treat me like the queen, but is it too much to ask that he not take pride of putting his worst foot forward all the time?

I want to date someone go inspires me, and I feel impressed by. It’s really hard to fancy a man who actively points out all his flaws and finds it humorous.

He’s just asked me out on another date and I’m trying to think how to say no In the nicest possible way.

AIBU and too uptight?

OP posts:
ShagratandGorbag4ever · 16/04/2023 19:26

He wouldn't be much of a catch even if he did have a huge penis.

TheMatriarchy · 16/04/2023 19:28

When someone shows you who they are, you must believe them. He might be a nice person, but he is slob, with poor self esteem who doesn't take care of himself. Does that work for you?

SquidwardBound · 16/04/2023 19:29

Fighterofthenightman1 · 16/04/2023 19:23

My immediate thought was low self esteem and is trying to use humour to cover it

Show quote history

Still not a great sign on a first date. Is it?

MsCunk · 16/04/2023 19:29

He'll be looking for a live in maid, and one who fancies men with tiny dicks and flabby pecs. That's not you.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/04/2023 19:32

Urgh bin him off ASAP op!

MyAnacondaMight · 16/04/2023 19:34

Gross. You don’t need to be giving a second chance to a lazy slob who appears allergic to making any effort.

I would decline, with something like: “Thanks for the offer but I don’t think we’re compatible. To be honest, I’m surprised you asked: you made it pretty clear on our first date that you weren’t making any effort, which comes across as a lack of interest.”

Heroicallyfound · 16/04/2023 19:34

Serval · 16/04/2023 19:19

I’m asking if my reasonings are unreasonable as my friendship group have been known to joke that I’m the “high maintenance” one. However I wouldn’t describe myself as that exactly, sometimes people can lack self awareness

Show quote history

The thing is, who cares if you are high maintenance? There must be some men out there who want a woman who takes care of herself and has high standards. You’re just not compatible with this one - it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him or anything wrong with your standards.

I would be wary of believing that people should make lots of effort for a first date though. Do you want to get to know people or their facade? This guy has done you a favour by being straight up with you about the real him. If you’re putting on a facade for men it will take you a long time to find someone you’re right for as it will take them a few tries to get to know you.

Original poster
Serval · 16/04/2023 19:35

Christ it’s got even worse.

So I haven’t responded to his message asking if he can see me again. So he’s just followed up with another message…. Suggesting I could go to his ! So yeah, not really a date then is he

Wonder if he’d bother to do those dishes and laundry first

(disclaimer: of course I’m not going)

OP posts:
GoodChat · 16/04/2023 19:36

At least you don't have to be polite now. Tell him you could see bed bugs on the video call

Original poster
Serval · 16/04/2023 19:37

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 19:36

At least you don't have to be polite now. Tell him you could see bed bugs on the video call

😂😂😂

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 16/04/2023 19:39

MsCunk · 16/04/2023 19:29

He'll be looking for a live in maid, and one who fancies men with tiny dicks and flabby pecs. That's not you.

Actually, it’s probably some sort of humiliation fetish. He was probably sounding the OP out with his small penis chat and moobs chat.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 16/04/2023 19:39

Run. You’re good at it, at least.

What a miserable bastard he sounds. 😬

Butchyrestingface · 16/04/2023 19:40

"Sorry, I'm quite a house-proud tidy-minded person and you aren't, so we really aren't compatible. Thanks for the date. Hope you find someone soon."

No need to enumerate on any of his faults (which sound numerous). Just "I don't think we'd be compatible but nice meeting you and good luck".

Ginger1982 · 16/04/2023 19:43

His attitude would put me off, and I think you've done the right thing but the untidiness on its own I could get past. The first time I went to DH's flat I was gobsmacked as to how untidy it was. I was really irritated that he hadn't made the tiniest effort to tidy up for me. He then had some friends staying a few weeks later and made the place gleam. I said to him that I felt it was poor that I wasn't important enough to tidy up for. I persevered though as he was lovely in so many other ways and I loved him pretty quickly.

We've now been married 9 years. He's still untidy but only in his little corner of the bedroom and I think actually does appreciate a tidy house as he does make an effort. I'm glad I didn't bin him just because of that.

AceofPentacles · 16/04/2023 19:44

He sounds as if he has low self esteem, people struggle to not be slobs when they feel they are not worth it.

BUT I've never known a man with a small penis to make a joke about it so I bet it's MASSIVE

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2023 19:47

He sounds like he's joking about those things because he's embarrassed about them, but if you're not compatible you're not compatible.

Skankylanky · 16/04/2023 19:47

You're not compatible.

I can't identify with the first date going to a salon/heels/new dress etc so I'm not sure if that's normal, I never did that when OLD.

But he seems the opposite end of the scale talking about his man tits and his dirty kitchen.

I don't think you're a match unfortunately!

iklboo · 16/04/2023 19:48

'Thanks for the offer, Ted, but I'd sooner staple my flaps to a hand grenade, tie a bungee cord to the ring pull and throw myself off a 10 metre diving board into an empty pool'.

Original poster
Serval · 16/04/2023 19:48

AceofPentacles · 16/04/2023 19:44

He sounds as if he has low self esteem, people struggle to not be slobs when they feel they are not worth it.

BUT I've never known a man with a small penis to make a joke about it so I bet it's MASSIVE

Really, what’s the link between having low self esteem and being a slob?

At this rate he could he hung like a horse and it would still do him no favours 😂

OP posts:
MumUndone · 16/04/2023 19:50

I would just say thanks but no thanks. Unless he's a complete imbecile he will know why!

Original poster
Serval · 16/04/2023 19:51

Skankylanky · 16/04/2023 19:47

You're not compatible.

I can't identify with the first date going to a salon/heels/new dress etc so I'm not sure if that's normal, I never did that when OLD.

But he seems the opposite end of the scale talking about his man tits and his dirty kitchen.

I don't think you're a match unfortunately!

That fair enough, it’s probably just me being high maintenance as my friends would say, that where the joke comes from. I always go to the salon and wear heels, etc.

OP posts:
AreYouHavingAGiraffeNoItsACamel · 16/04/2023 19:52

Fuuuuck me lol I'm just having images of Keith Miller from Eastenders trying to pull Cameron Diaz 😂

dittbtdity · 16/04/2023 19:52

Was there any chemistry between you? Doesn't sound like it. Wish him well and keep moving...

WindyWends · 16/04/2023 19:58

He sounds awful and you don't need to worry about being nice!

I'd say "Wish you all the best, we're definitely not compatible." I bet he'll reply something negative.

I can't believe he actually showed you the dishes and laundry. Did he think you'd be so overcome with lust for him that you'd be falling over yourself to do his housework?!

pktechgirl · 16/04/2023 19:59

My friend, look at it this way. If you moved in together do you think he’s the type of man to bring you tea in bed and buy you flowers? Even if that is not what you want, do you want to spend your life cleaning up after this man because that’s the impression that comes through on your post.