Would this put you off a new man that you’re dating?

[Serval]

So I’ve been on one date with a new guy that I’ve met.

And while he initiates contact/texting/meeting up to see each other, he seems to have this attitude of “whatever, I don’t need to impress you or make a good impression”, that’s the best way I can describe it. But I can’t work out if I’m being reasonable or a bit of a princess.

Examples;

• on our first date made a big effort in my appearance, i had my nails done at the salon earlier that day. I wore a nice dress, did my hair, wore my best perfume and wore new shoes. When we first sat down at the bar we went to, he noticed my shoes and said “wow how do you walk in them?” (They’re Strappy high heels) I said “I’ve no idea haha, I’m still getting use to them they’re new”. He then lifted his feet and showed me his dirty trainers and said “You’re wearing new heels and I’m wearing my scruffy trainers haha. (Shrugs) I should be trying to impress you but hey”
• He admitted while we were at the bar that he’s tight with money, has put weight on recently and he’s getting ‘big saggy man tits’ 😐and that because he’s short the weight shows a lot more on him. There was a cocktail on the menu called a “Long Sclong” so he made a “joke” (wasn’t really a joke) insinuating that he has a small penis
• I am very active, I do outdoor running and go to the gym several times a week. He dropped that line on me again “I should be trying to impress you but whatever” then admitted he’s too lazy for the gym. Fair enough the gym isn’t for everyone, but I don’t know why that line again felt a bit off.
• The following night after the date he FaceTimed me, he was in his kitchen. He lives alone and the sink was full of dirty plates and dishes in the background. He pointed that out and said “Told you I was lazy haha” then he gave me a guided tour of his apartment, it was quite cluttered. Then he showed me his overflowing laundry basket and said “I need to do a few washes tonight” I am house proud and would be mortified in anyone saw my home like that, especially a new date.

I’m not expecting him to kiss my feet and treat me like the queen, but is it too much to ask that he not take pride of putting his worst foot forward all the time?

I want to date someone go inspires me, and I feel impressed by. It’s really hard to fancy a man who actively points out all his flaws and finds it humorous.

He’s just asked me out on another date and I’m trying to think how to say no In the nicest possible way.

AIBU and too uptight?

Ah well then that's it then, final answer, he gives you the ick, he's not for you! Next please!

my money is on micropenis and a humiliation fetish.

Yes I can’t believe he let me see that as well. I was so confused and trying to understand his thought process behind it 🤔

The whole lack of effort just screams male entitlement to me. I can’t imagine many women showing off their laundry basket of dirty knickers with great pride and disclosing that they have a fanny like a wizards sleeve

😂 that would be truly serendipitous

The only possible way I'd overlook this is him being Chris Hemsworth

Wow erm just wow! I’d just say, sorry was so lovely to meet you but I don’t think we’re compatible! Good luck..

Short and sweet and not offensive!

This 🤣

The date reminds me of something Samantha said in SATC, along the lines of if he’s a lazy kisser imagine what his dick would do.

Substitute kissing for slobby attire and a ship tip house

There’s someone for everyone though. Someone with a low bar themselves might just click with him.
I expect he asks everyone out as he’s too idle to be discriminating. Women are conditioned to please and we know men often feel entitled to women out of their league.
But you’ve ruled him out so that’s another step in the right direction to finding someone compatible.

And actually boasting about laziness and lack of basic cleanliness, just what the hell!

Like he doesn't even need to bother trying to look good, thinking you obviously can't wait for a 2nd date, with no effort, at his depressing dirty dive. Ick!

AIBU and too uptight?

Who cares? You don't want to see him again, he obviously didn't do it for you so DON'T SEE HIM AGAIN. In 12 months he won't remember your name, why are you overthinking this? 💐

Think about it the other way around. If he showed in a nice suit, new shoes and hair done nicely and you showed up in old trainers, jeans and a manky old t-shirt with your hair messy, then made "jokes" about your saggy tits and flappy fanny and told him how messy you are, do ou think he'd be pondering over what to write in a "no thanks" message! Us women do beat ourselves up don't we!

Tbh this smacks of a guy who's had relationships end because of his slovenliness and he's trying to head off future arguements 'but you KNEW what we were like when we got together, I was quite open ', just run now 👍

It is ok to acknowledge that he’s just not in your league. He probably couldn’t believe it when you walked in. There is someone out there for the lazy-arse-Saggy-tits man in the dirty trainers but it ain’t you. Next!

The only possible way I'd overlook this is him being Chris Hemsworth

Even then I'd make him do the bloody dishes. Just after I'd worn him out elsewhere 😄

Two problems here: the standards themselves you can chalk up to basic incompatibility. Someone being really tidy or really messy would be a no for me, as I know it would cause problems down the line, and I'd rather know that sort of thing early on. Same with someone who only wears tracksuits or someone who likes women who put a lot of time and effort into their appearance. That sort of difference makes you just say thanks, no spark, and move on.

But the real problem is that his attitude sounds terrible, I hate the idea of a man joking about how he hasn't made an effort, as if the woman he's with isn't worth it. I would never dress up in heels or go to the salon for a date, I usually live in a pair of muddy boots - for a date I'd probably go for nicer clean boots. But if my date had shown up in nice shoes and the topic of conversation had moved that way, I would probably say something about how I love boots, I would be very keen to stress that this IS me making an effort! I wouldn't want him to think that I hadn't made an effort, but at the same time, the conversation would rule out men who like their women more dressed up. Job done, with no one feeling bad. It's that he deliberately wants you to know that he doesn't give a shit that's the problem.

“I should be trying to let you down gently, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think our relationship has run its course”

The block and move on.

do,you rarely date? I can’t understand why you’re making such a big deal of this. Just say was lovely to meet you, wasn’t feeling a spark, so bowing out.

I think it's unkind to leave him hanging about whether you want to see him or not.

Just tell him no thanks.

You don't need to go into why's and wherefores, just say you're not of a mind to go ahead thanks and good luck, bye.

And then book yourself in to a therapist to build your confidence before you date anyone else. Seriously. The fact you'd have to ask is alarming.

“I should be trying to let you down gently, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think our relationship has run its course”

LOL, this is actually the best answer.

“I would normally try to put this politely but as you were very direct with me, I’ll also be honest and say I was put off by your shabby shoes, talk of moobs and a small willy and the grim state of your house. Kudos for keeping it real, but I’m looking for someone who is prepared to put in more effort. All the best with finding someone who matches your lifestyle.”

He is not responsible for the way you feel OP. Clearly ain't the one so just move on.

I think nails done, new shoes and hair is a lot for a first date. Personally I'd do a Wednesday eve and have a pair of jeans and a 'nice' top. I wouldn't be wearing a dress or heels.
On the flipside I wouldn't home in on dirty washing or make silly jokes about my willy.

You're not too uptight. He's not to laid back... but he's too laid back for you.

I can see you 6 months down the line going to your cousins wedding and asking him if he should consider wearing a suit, where as he thinks his 'best' trousers and the birthday shirt you bought him are fine. If he goes 'yes dear' you'll turn into a nag/mum and won't fancy him anymore. If he says take me as l am you'll be torn because he makes you laugh and you have good sex, but angry that he wouldn't just do this one thing for you. It won't be one thing. He could he a great BF but maybe not partner (but probably s good dad!)
Tell you what...find out if he's a gamer. No, try a 2nd date, yes , move on. If he wears the same top/trousers on date 2 move on.

I get the feeling he thought you’re out of his league. He was giving you a little “test.” An ex did that to me - he said “the REAL “test” will be if you still want to be with me after you see how I live!”
he was ashamed, thought I’d leave, and I stayed with him telling myself I wasn’t that shallow.

let’s just say that wasn’t a good decision.

best to just let this one go

I have to wonder why you're asking others if your own reasons for not dating someone are wrong. You know you don't want to. That's the ultimate, best reason to not date someone!

It's not like you're presuming anything - he's literally showing you who he is, in person and on camera and you don't like it. So you can't date him. And you're not obliged to date anyone ever.

You've only met him once, just tell him there's no chemistry and get on to the next.

You don't need anyone else to confirm if your reasons for not going on another date are acceptable. You'll be the one going on the date, not your friends who think standards equals high maintenance.

You've been on one date, you don't want to go on a second, this is not a 'break up'. Tell him you don't think you are compatible, he doesn't need to be told the reasons why, wish him well and move on. Block after messaging so you don't have to deal with any fall out.