Would this put you off a new man that you’re dating?

[Serval]

So I’ve been on one date with a new guy that I’ve met.

And while he initiates contact/texting/meeting up to see each other, he seems to have this attitude of “whatever, I don’t need to impress you or make a good impression”, that’s the best way I can describe it. But I can’t work out if I’m being reasonable or a bit of a princess.

Examples;

• on our first date made a big effort in my appearance, i had my nails done at the salon earlier that day. I wore a nice dress, did my hair, wore my best perfume and wore new shoes. When we first sat down at the bar we went to, he noticed my shoes and said “wow how do you walk in them?” (They’re Strappy high heels) I said “I’ve no idea haha, I’m still getting use to them they’re new”. He then lifted his feet and showed me his dirty trainers and said “You’re wearing new heels and I’m wearing my scruffy trainers haha. (Shrugs) I should be trying to impress you but hey”
• He admitted while we were at the bar that he’s tight with money, has put weight on recently and he’s getting ‘big saggy man tits’ 😐and that because he’s short the weight shows a lot more on him. There was a cocktail on the menu called a “Long Sclong” so he made a “joke” (wasn’t really a joke) insinuating that he has a small penis
• I am very active, I do outdoor running and go to the gym several times a week. He dropped that line on me again “I should be trying to impress you but whatever” then admitted he’s too lazy for the gym. Fair enough the gym isn’t for everyone, but I don’t know why that line again felt a bit off.
• The following night after the date he FaceTimed me, he was in his kitchen. He lives alone and the sink was full of dirty plates and dishes in the background. He pointed that out and said “Told you I was lazy haha” then he gave me a guided tour of his apartment, it was quite cluttered. Then he showed me his overflowing laundry basket and said “I need to do a few washes tonight” I am house proud and would be mortified in anyone saw my home like that, especially a new date.

I’m not expecting him to kiss my feet and treat me like the queen, but is it too much to ask that he not take pride of putting his worst foot forward all the time?

I want to date someone go inspires me, and I feel impressed by. It’s really hard to fancy a man who actively points out all his flaws and finds it humorous.

He’s just asked me out on another date and I’m trying to think how to say no In the nicest possible way.

AIBU and too uptight?

Hey op don’t pay any attention to people who say they can’t believe you had to ask for an opinion. I know exactly where you are coming from. You say that your friends joke about you being high maintenance and I am guessing that “joking” has made you lose confidence in your values. I have had a similar experience. So what if you go to a lot of trouble to groom yourself for a date?That’s who you are and it’s fantastic and nobody else’s business. Your friends can tell say you are too fussy but pay them no mind and carry on the way you are. You’ll find someone.

@GanjaDhin thank you that’s very kind of you 😊

Yanbu. He sounds lazy and it wouldn't hurt to put a little effort into his appearance.

If it wasn't for the comments along with it and you said in every other way you like him, I'd probably advise trying another few dates, but you sound like you really don't want to pursue this any more so therefore, I'd say end it and move on.

My DH was quite lazy with his appearance when we first met, and it remains a slight bone of contention even today, but to be fair, he made an effort for our first date, and after many conversations about it (as I liked him in every other way, and his appearance was never dirty, more a bit too laid back - turning up to visiting older relatives for a meal wearing a faded tshirt and torn jeans), he now makes more of an effort if we go somewhere.

First dates are a bit like a job interview. You are showing your best side to try and see you are a good fit fit each other. He made no effort for the date which sets the tone for any relationship really.

If you are struggling for a nice way to say thanks but no thanks try ‘all the best but you are not quite what I am looking for’. No further details required (unless asked).

He's probably nervous and thinking he's punching above. And he's already thought through the going to bed with you and realises he's let himself go a-bit.

Putting weight on in itself can make you not dress as snappy and not bother with yourself.

Why don't you ask him if he wants to join you on a run or walk, why not engage in some physical fitness for dates, as for his cluttered mess, maybe if you explain you can't stand it, he may make the effort to tidy/ clean up if you are invited round to his.

Give him a chance first and see, you may be surprised with a bit of communication, if he continues to be a slob then at least you can walk away knowing you tried.

I am so glad I'm happily married, this dating lark is a nightmare! @Serval you are NOT high maintenance because you always make an effort at anytime so don't let your friends make you doubt yourself. I'm assuming you've messaged him by now, he's obviously not ready for dating. It sounds like he's looking for a fuck buddy, although the saggy man tits, small cock and filthy trainers wouldn't get him even the Mad Tits character from Facebook 😆

I think there's a difference between self-deprecation and what this man is doing, which is actually more a form of arrogance. He is communicating, quite clearly, that he thinks he is such a catch that he can afford to flaunt the fact that he is making negative effort. This has the effect of him also telling you that you are not worth his making an effort. Bin and run. You do not owe it to him to explain why you are binning and running, by the way.

Just say you didn't feel a spark and don't want to meet again. If he persists, block him! You don't owe him anything, you've had one date.

This is making me laugh though as I (a woman) am definitely more towards his end of the scale. I never wear makeup and would frequently go on dates in everyday slightly scruffy clothes. If it got to the point I was having them round then I wouldn't bother to tidy in advance. My thinking was they had to like me for who I really am, which is something of a graceless slob, but I have a great sense of humour to make up for it. I've had a partner for nearly 2 years now that I met on Hinge (and told him I'd only give him an hour of my time on the first date because I was sick of dating) so obviously I'm doing something right!