Would this put you off a new man that you’re dating?

[Serval]

So I’ve been on one date with a new guy that I’ve met.

And while he initiates contact/texting/meeting up to see each other, he seems to have this attitude of “whatever, I don’t need to impress you or make a good impression”, that’s the best way I can describe it. But I can’t work out if I’m being reasonable or a bit of a princess.

Examples;

• on our first date made a big effort in my appearance, i had my nails done at the salon earlier that day. I wore a nice dress, did my hair, wore my best perfume and wore new shoes. When we first sat down at the bar we went to, he noticed my shoes and said “wow how do you walk in them?” (They’re Strappy high heels) I said “I’ve no idea haha, I’m still getting use to them they’re new”. He then lifted his feet and showed me his dirty trainers and said “You’re wearing new heels and I’m wearing my scruffy trainers haha. (Shrugs) I should be trying to impress you but hey”
• He admitted while we were at the bar that he’s tight with money, has put weight on recently and he’s getting ‘big saggy man tits’ 😐and that because he’s short the weight shows a lot more on him. There was a cocktail on the menu called a “Long Sclong” so he made a “joke” (wasn’t really a joke) insinuating that he has a small penis
• I am very active, I do outdoor running and go to the gym several times a week. He dropped that line on me again “I should be trying to impress you but whatever” then admitted he’s too lazy for the gym. Fair enough the gym isn’t for everyone, but I don’t know why that line again felt a bit off.
• The following night after the date he FaceTimed me, he was in his kitchen. He lives alone and the sink was full of dirty plates and dishes in the background. He pointed that out and said “Told you I was lazy haha” then he gave me a guided tour of his apartment, it was quite cluttered. Then he showed me his overflowing laundry basket and said “I need to do a few washes tonight” I am house proud and would be mortified in anyone saw my home like that, especially a new date.

I’m not expecting him to kiss my feet and treat me like the queen, but is it too much to ask that he not take pride of putting his worst foot forward all the time?

I want to date someone go inspires me, and I feel impressed by. It’s really hard to fancy a man who actively points out all his flaws and finds it humorous.

He’s just asked me out on another date and I’m trying to think how to say no In the nicest possible way.

AIBU and too uptight?

Yes, I was just about to say he did have some good qualities, however not enough to make me feel attracted to him. And not enough to cancel out my cringing feeling of his self deprecating.

For example, he asked me a lot of questions about myself. It felt like he did genuinely want to find out more about me, which I did appreciate. Also each time I said I’d get the next round of drinks In, he refused to let me pay, and said “No no tonight’s on me, you can pay another time” (awkward 😁) Looks wise he’s quite good looking, I was attracted to him enough to go on a date with him.

No dating isn’t easy at all, I feel like the standard is very low these days

Yeah this. Why would you speak of moobs and a small penis on a first date? And then “show” someone around your flat in a mess. He could have easily called you and sat still on a tidy chair.

He has something else going on here, but it’s not your concern.

And I’d still spent that money if I was going on a date with a girl friend. I like to take pride in my appearance in general, not just for a date.

Fair enough. You definitely need a man who also makes an effort.

At best he sounds maybe lacking confidence, at worse yeah he sounds like a bit of a twat.

I'm sure I'll be in the minority here.. but maybe give it a second date?? He might have been nervous. He might be a really great guy for you. Dating culture and social media has us all binning eachother off so quick! I'm amazed I have a partner at all!

“Sat still on a tidy chair”

That made me laugh 😂like he’s a child 😆mind you he hasn’t shown a great deal of maturity has he

It doesn’t sound like you have anything in common with him or like he has much to recommend him. He’s obviously setting a low bar and the only way is down!

It sounds like the friends episode where Rachel has the worst date ever.

Your reasons for saying no are sound but I don’t think you need to explain yourself to him. Agree with pp- keep it brief and move on.

You're not compatible.

Although, to be honest, it's hard to think of anyone he might be compatible with. Unless it's someone who loves spending hours and hours clearing up someone else's mess, doesn't mind a guy who doesn't look after himself at all and never wants to introduce him to any of her friends.

Has he ever had a partner? Because bad relationship ending with lots of personal insults directed at him and a case of depression is the closest explanation I can come to.

YANBU

"Hi X, it was lovely to meet you on Saturday but I don't think there was enough of a spark between us, I don't think we are compatible for a relationship. Good luck with your search though. All the best, Me"

Done.

The messiness would be a huge issue for me. I'm tidy, I couldn't be with someone who lives in mess.

Honestly I’ve tried looking past the bad traits and focusing on the good but.. I knows it’s probably premature thinking but the thought of kissing him/having sex with him makes me cringe. I already had those thoughts in mind, then he dropped the small cock joke and it was like a bucket of cold water

If you stay with him then you'll be tidying up that crap for the rest of your life.

What exactly appeals to you about this rude, tubby, tight with money chap who seems to have the activity level of a sloth with a messy house?

I'd just say I don't think things are working out. He's rude so you don't need to worry about a super nice goodbye.

I think he sounds OK but I don't think your suited for each other. I think the things he said are most likely a nervous thing I do similar when I'm uncomfortable I often overshare and say inappropriate things

I’m confused. How is this even a question? You’re clearly not suited. Surely it’s a simple “It was good to meet you, but I don’t think we’re suited”. No?

I had similar op. I'd made an effort: nice shoes/dress/hair and he rocked up like Billy Mitchell going to the Nags Head on a Tuesday lunchtime! I didn't even give him a message afterwards, just blocked him. I never do that normally but his lack of effort made me not want to even make the effort to message thanks but no thanks.

I think he's looking for a house keeper not a partner, this is probably why he's single, if he's not made the effort on your first date, he's not going to try any other time.

Just say, “thank you for asking but I don’t think we’re a great match. It was nice to meet you though”
Be polite, you don’t have to explain your decision. If he responds asking why, just ignore him.
And he sounds like a right scruffy fucker, don’t blame you not wanting to go out again!

I think there are lots of weird little red flags with this one.

"You can pay another time" is "acting" generous but actually manipulating/ pressurising you into feeling you have to agree to meet him again, when at that point in the date you might not have decided yet.

"I should be trying to impress you haha" is subtley negging you, he's making it into a joke but his actions are saying "you're not worthy of trying to impress". So that you gradually expect less and less from him. Sure, no one cares about trainers, but later it will be other things, like "I guess I should be trying to impress you by remembering our anniversary/ doing my share of the cleaning haha". He's testing straight off whether you'll put up with him being a bit crap.

I’m asking if my reasonings are unreasonable as my friendship group have been known to joke that I’m the “high maintenance” one. However I wouldn’t describe myself as that exactly, sometimes people can lack self awareness

It's not high maintenance to get turned off by a slobby, lazy, no effort guy who puts the image of him having both man tits and a small dick in your head on a first date.

I think most of us would have experienced bear trap fannyitis by that point.

My immediate thought was low self esteem and is trying to use humour to cover it

Of course your reasons aren't unreasonable, by most people's standards they wouldn't be considered so. But that's not the point. You can not go on a second date for any reason. It doesn't matter if your friends think you're 'high maintenance' or whatever. Your standards for a partner are your standards, you don't need to justify them or measure them against other peoples.

Dear Slobby/Tight
We aren’t suited at all.
All the best!
Your name

Any man on a first date who openly tells you he doesn’t care about making a good impression is not worth bothering with.

you know that’s not being ‘princessy’.