Page 17 | For taking my baby away from MIL

firsttimemum990 · 2023-04-16T15:50:36+00:00

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference. She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night" DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish. Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

BustyLaRoux · 18/04/2023 07:47

For an older baby the advice would be worth consideration. But 2 weeks.?.!! Jesus. She’s talking horse shit! Just get through the day and night any way you can. Good luck. Sleep deprivation is feckin awful! Xx

diddl · 18/04/2023 08:07

My view on this is that grandmothers and indeed older mothers simply don’t remember what two week olds are like.

Oh please!

It's not about remembering that stage exactly it's about common bloody sense!

Atsocta · 18/04/2023 08:36

Of course baby should sleep during the day at two weeks, plus you’d be exhausted otherwise. The woman’s completely mad!!!
And it’s your baby not hers
https://www.rileychildrens.org/health-info/growth-development-2-weeks

Be expected to sleep a large portion of the day – about 16 - 20 hours.

Growth & Development: 2 Weeks

Experts at Riley at IU Health outline your child's physical and mental developmental milestones at 2 Weeks of age.

https://www.rileychildrens.org/health-info/growth-development-2-weeks

Hmm1234 · 18/04/2023 09:48

Sounds like my mother. Toxic. Tell her you don’t need her outdated advice

GiuliaS · 18/04/2023 10:04

I know you are right, but to convince your MIL and your husband, I think it would be a good idea to ask your GP, midwife, etc. for their opinion and tell them that they told you that it's fine.
When my MIL once advised me about when to stop breastfeeding, I brought up the World Health Organisation's text to convince her that I was right.
In the future, whenever they say something to you, you reply that you consulted a nurse or a doctor and they said it was fine, and they will eventually stop saying anything.
It would also help to tell MIL that modern childcare has changed since the past each time when she bothers you.

SafferUpNorth · 18/04/2023 11:21

WTF???!!! Your baby is 2 weeks old and your MIL is banging on about sleep training? This woman is totally out of touch,. Tell her to jog on, it's your baby and you're taking advice from your midwife and health visitor, thank you very much, End of.

If she can't wind her neck in she's not welcome. If she genuinely wants to help, she can cook you some meals and help around the house with laundry etc.

Pandajane · 18/04/2023 15:14

You absolutely weren't being unreasonable and if my partner had tried siding with his Mum (whose parenting advice is probably than 20yrs old) he would be told where to go in no uncertain terms! If his Mum was a decent human being, she wouldn't have done anything regarding your baby without asking you first - the audacity!

Atsocta · 18/04/2023 15:58

SafferUpNorth · 18/04/2023 11:21

WTF???!!! Your baby is 2 weeks old and your MIL is banging on about sleep training? This woman is totally out of touch,. Tell her to jog on, it's your baby and you're taking advice from your midwife and health visitor, thank you very much, End of.

If she can't wind her neck in she's not welcome. If she genuinely wants to help, she can cook you some meals and help around the house with laundry etc.

Exactly.. And if you don’t take a stand this woman will take control not only of your baby, but good chance your marriage as well
your husband wants to grow a pair too imo

breezinthrough · 18/04/2023 22:54

You are definitely not being unreasonable and don’t for a second think you were!!
There is no talking to MIL about this, she will not understand and by the way your DH is going on and agreeing with her and saying what you’ve read is rubbish or whatever is actually INFURIATING!
my MIL goes on and on and on about baby getting “fresh air”. Every bloody time I see her she’s talking about fresh air, as if I keep baby inside all day long. Like your MIL she reckons baby will sleep longer (makes no difference) he sleeps grand he just wakes up to feed every 2/3 hours and goes straight back to sleep! Then my DP mentions fresh air the odd time and I feel myself go into a rage inside 😤 so I feel your frustration and I hope your ok as I know how it feels in the early days of baby, the last thing you need is MIL and DH annoyed at you over this, you’ve enough to be dealing with without their bullshit! Sending hugs xx

80sMum · 19/04/2023 09:49

Miloticc · 16/04/2023 16:55

YANBU! Just 100% yanbu and well done for standing up for your DD and saying something. You should be super proud of yourself because it’s not easy.

I think she’s stuck with her generations advice and I’ve never understood why people don’t move on with the times. Some people get offended when you don’t do it exactly like they did, as if you’re somehow saying they parented wrong. It’s so strange and definitely not the norm!

It's not "her generation's advice", it's just hers!

Wenfy · 19/04/2023 10:04

SafferUpNorth · 18/04/2023 11:21

WTF???!!! Your baby is 2 weeks old and your MIL is banging on about sleep training? This woman is totally out of touch,. Tell her to jog on, it's your baby and you're taking advice from your midwife and health visitor, thank you very much, End of.

If she can't wind her neck in she's not welcome. If she genuinely wants to help, she can cook you some meals and help around the house with laundry etc.

babies can be placed into a bedtime routine from birth and doing so is beneficial for breastfeeding mothers. It isn’t sleep training. It is doing things like massage / bathtime at night and keeping things dark and calm and peaceful & so mum can dreamfeed which is easier when you breast feed. While day time is spent in the sunlight. This is something breastfeeding cultures nearly all do.

Katypp · 19/04/2023 14:24

spring78 · 17/04/2023 19:37

My mother was obsessed with this too! I also ignored her

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But can you not see that this 'guff' was what used to be recommended? If you had told a mum back then that she had to wait until her baby was six months to wean them, then give them hunks of food to do so, she would react in exactly the same way that pps are.
As I have said already:

Advice changes
Today's guidelines are not definitive, they will change.
Today's new mothers are not better than the last generation of new mothers
There will be a time when BLW, sleep cues and a lack of routine will be regarded as 'guff'
You might think you know it all, but you really don't

Tigermearns · 19/04/2023 16:21

She basically tried to shake your 2week baby awake!!
She and your DH are TA.
I would be questioning the whole relationship with him considering he's happy for his mother to be so rough with a baby.
I wouldn't be letting either of them have the baby unattended

JediNinja · 19/04/2023 16:21

Katypp · 19/04/2023 14:24

But can you not see that this 'guff' was what used to be recommended? If you had told a mum back then that she had to wait until her baby was six months to wean them, then give them hunks of food to do so, she would react in exactly the same way that pps are.
As I have said already:

Advice changes
Today's guidelines are not definitive, they will change.
Today's new mothers are not better than the last generation of new mothers
There will be a time when BLW, sleep cues and a lack of routine will be regarded as 'guff'
You might think you know it all, but you really don't

Show quote history

Advice usually changes because research has been done and it shows that common practices are not safe. It's not just about changing minds or trying something different. Sleeping on their backs, sleeping in same room, solids introduction and baby weaning, the use of blankets and what type, or holding babies' heads have new guidance because the previous one didn't keep them safe. You make it sound as a trend, instead of a safety issue. MIL is in the wrong here.

Shutthefrontdoor99 · 19/04/2023 16:45

YANBU. Babies that age sleep 18 hours a day on and off. They need to feed continuously. Sleeping through the night at its earliest is 3 months. Mine is 10 months and wakes twice a night every night. I have no I tension of sleep training him, as he will learn to sleep all through. Us, he starts nursery in a few weeks so his routine will change again.

FYI keep an eye on MIL - 'lifting baby' to wake them......whatever next? What happens if she's looking after a your DD when she's a few months and doesn't follow your wishes then??? Stick. To. Your. Guns. You are the parent. Politely remind her of this often. "Thank you for your input, but I think I'll stick to xyz. It seems to work for us". This goes for anyone else too. And it is horrible to say, but if she doesn't listen, do not allow her to be alone with the baby. Or dont go round to see her. Make this clear to her and your other half.

BeagleHound1 · 19/04/2023 19:00

You are right to let the baby sleep. If you are in any doubt phone your heath visitor with your husband present. Babies sleep when they sleep ! Mil should butt put. Fine to be there for advice but not up to her to enforce her outdated opinions and worse try to get your husband on side. He probably has little knowledge himself and will view his mum as an “expert”.

Katypp · 19/04/2023 20:28

BeagleHound1 · 19/04/2023 19:00

You are right to let the baby sleep. If you are in any doubt phone your heath visitor with your husband present. Babies sleep when they sleep ! Mil should butt put. Fine to be there for advice but not up to her to enforce her outdated opinions and worse try to get your husband on side. He probably has little knowledge himself and will view his mum as an “expert”.

Well he's been a dad as long as the op has been a mum, so...

Medinburgh · 19/04/2023 23:25

Not fair that you have to use up your precious energy on such a stupid attitude from MIL. Your partner should be listening to you and make sure his mother knows that he is on your team. Does he know he is meant to be on your team? Congratulations and you do it your way x

Florad · 20/04/2023 07:27

You are absolutely right letting her sleep at day and wake when she wants to at night, especially if you are breastfeeding. Feeding more at night is what increases your milk supply as it is when your prolactin is highest. Babies know what they are doing, they wake more at night during growth spurts for this reason. Their stomachs are growing every dat at this point and your milk supply is still getting established so it's best to follow their lead.
Also with baths, I'm sure the guidance is to not bath them in the first 4 weeks anyway.
My baby is 5 months old now and was like this at the start. I have just followed his lead and never set routine bath/bedtimes etc and he now sleeps 12 hours with just one feed at 3am, (though very aware this isn't always the case) he has pretty much set his own bedtime at 7pm and nap times just from us following his cues, so I would say just go with your instinct.

Katypp · 20/04/2023 16:12

Florad · 20/04/2023 07:27

You are absolutely right letting her sleep at day and wake when she wants to at night, especially if you are breastfeeding. Feeding more at night is what increases your milk supply as it is when your prolactin is highest. Babies know what they are doing, they wake more at night during growth spurts for this reason. Their stomachs are growing every dat at this point and your milk supply is still getting established so it's best to follow their lead.
Also with baths, I'm sure the guidance is to not bath them in the first 4 weeks anyway.
My baby is 5 months old now and was like this at the start. I have just followed his lead and never set routine bath/bedtimes etc and he now sleeps 12 hours with just one feed at 3am, (though very aware this isn't always the case) he has pretty much set his own bedtime at 7pm and nap times just from us following his cues, so I would say just go with your instinct.

So can I ask what you would do if your baby hadn't settled into this routine. Would you follow his 'lead' if he decided 2am was a good time to go to bed?
It may have worked for you but I can't believe you can't see how ridiculous it sounds following the lead of a new baby. When does this stop? Or is it a lifetime of 'following the lead' of toddlers, primary school and teenagers? Crazy.

Gondala · 20/04/2023 17:45

Katypp · 20/04/2023 16:12

So can I ask what you would do if your baby hadn't settled into this routine. Would you follow his 'lead' if he decided 2am was a good time to go to bed?
It may have worked for you but I can't believe you can't see how ridiculous it sounds following the lead of a new baby. When does this stop? Or is it a lifetime of 'following the lead' of toddlers, primary school and teenagers? Crazy.

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I did the same with my two and both made their own routine around 6 months, I believe it is biological.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/04/2023 17:55

It may have worked for you but I can't believe you can't see how ridiculous it sounds following the lead of a new baby

I'm a routine lover. But this comment is actually ridiculous. You absoloutley should follow the lead of a two week old baby. Every cry has a reason. They should be listened to. They need frequent feeds and lots of sleep and forcing a routine onto a two week old baby is what is ridiculous.

Katypp · 20/04/2023 18:00

I never said their cries should be ignored, nor did I say they should be forced into a routine.

Florad · 20/04/2023 18:19

Following his lead with feeding is how your milk supply becomes established. As I said, babies feed more at night at first because your prolactin is higher so it increases your day supply the more they feed at night. You absolutely should follow their lead, they need to feed more at night to get enough milk if you're breastfeeding.

I am replying to a post about a 2 week old baby, not a toddler or teenager.
My plan would have been to introduce a routine at some point if needed of course,but he has done that himself as my milk supply increased and his metabolism changed (when they hit about 13lb). As I said in my reply, I am aware this is not always the case but it worked for me and he was sleeping 8 hours by 3 months.

Florad · 20/04/2023 18:20

Katypp · 20/04/2023 16:12

So can I ask what you would do if your baby hadn't settled into this routine. Would you follow his 'lead' if he decided 2am was a good time to go to bed?
It may have worked for you but I can't believe you can't see how ridiculous it sounds following the lead of a new baby. When does this stop? Or is it a lifetime of 'following the lead' of toddlers, primary school and teenagers? Crazy.

Show quote history

Following his lead with feeding is how your milk supply becomes established. As I said, babies feed more at night at first because your prolactin is higher so it increases your day supply the more they feed at night. You absolutely should follow their lead, they need to feed more at night to get enough milk if you're breastfeeding.

I am replying to a post about a 2 week old baby, not a toddler or teenager.
My plan would have been to introduce a routine at some point if needed of course,but he has done that himself as my milk supply increased and his metabolism changed (when they hit about 13lb). As I said in my reply, I am aware this is not always the case but it worked for me and he was sleeping 8 hours by 3 months.