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AIBU?

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Original poster

For taking my baby away from MIL

429 replies

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 16:50

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Rosula · 17/04/2023 08:42

sarah419 · 17/04/2023 00:03

Your MIL is right. Babies need help to regulate their sleep hormone so they can differentiate between day and night. You do this by sunlight exposure during the day, and a clear bedtime routine at night. Bath at night is actually suggested by many sleep experts. Also, btw, at two weeks babies should actually sleep a long stretch at night, including many doing a six hour stretch (if healthy weight and not hungry). The sleep regression actually kicks in around 12 weeks of age, and onwards. If you are struggling with new born phase there are plenty of books/ online resources/ courses to help you better understand this phase. I would actually also accept whatever help any trusted family member is offering - you need to rest as much as possible. Best of luck

I think it's you who doesn't understand the newborn phase, @sarah419. There's no "should" about how two week old babies sleep.

CherryCokeFanatic · 17/04/2023 08:46

Discusting

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 08:51

OP,

The type of man that would bully a new mother and her newborn child, is not a good one.

Please mind yourself.

I fear you have a really difficult time ahead of you, with a MIL and husband that think it is okay to bully a new mother and gang up on her.

You are very vulnerable to being an abused woman.... this is often how it starts.

Often women fall victim to post natal depression because of husbands and in laws like yours.

Please talk to your GP, health visitor, family and friends.

Decent people do not behave like this.

Abusive people do.

Pack a bag and go to family if this continues.

It is vital for your baby that mum is as well as possible.

I'm so sorry for you.

If you were my daughter I'd want you home safe from them, asap.

bussteward · 17/04/2023 08:53

Katypp · 17/04/2023 07:30

I am sorry, but although your MIL was overbearing, I had to pick up on this!
So a mum of two weeks and a mum of four months know more than someone who has presumably raised at least one child into an adult? How could that be?
Like most mums these days, you certainly think you know more. You certainly know more about the current fads and about YOUR baby but to say your MIL knows FA about babies is ridiculous. Think about it.
Things change. The way babies are cared for changes. When you, with your wisdom of four months, are a grandmother, you will also know FA about babies (or the current 'rules').
The arrogance of some new mothers is dreadful on here and the eagerness to ban (usually) Mils from 'seeing baby alone' is ridiculous.
Once new mums used to look to older generations for advice as it was all new to them and older members of the family had been through it. Now they are experts before the baby is even born, thanks to Google and sites like this which reinforce the view that anyone who has already brought up children knows nothing and is a danger to this generation of babies.
And before I get the inevitable head-tilt questions, yes I do have children myself and no I am not a grandmother.

Show quote history

My MIL put both her babies alone in a room from day one to cry themselves to sleep. She does indeed know FA about babies.

zeg3885 · 17/04/2023 08:53

Maray1967 · 16/04/2023 16:54

You need to make him regret siding with his Dm over you - very quickly. This will not stop if you don’t. Ideally, he needs to hear how wrong she is from a midwife or HV .

This.

my partner had some wild idea that my allowing baby to cluster feed was “making a rod for my own back” and that I needed to let newborn cry it out. A quick chat with the HV put things into a different perspective.

ag7962 · 17/04/2023 08:56

Breastmilk is digested within 2 hours they need to eat, milk is fattier at night and they don't make their own melatonin until they are older they rely on it being in your milk!
Your MIL and frankly husband sound dreadful.
Newborns need around 18-20 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. My baby is 3 months and wakes to feed. If you left your baby asleep more than 4 hours it could be a medical issue and would probably mean your baby didn't gain weight as they should

Really Ng your health visitor with your husband so he can hear real advise not the crap from your MIL and congratulations.

Terven · 17/04/2023 08:56

I had my first two children in the 1980’s and we were never told to “sleep train” a two week old. That’s absurd. It’s not a generational thing. Sleep training six months maybe, not earlier.

sandyhappypeople · 17/04/2023 08:57

Katypp · 17/04/2023 08:33

Like me, your MIL is probably aghast at the way anything that gently encourages good habits and routine for your baby is frowned upon today.
Not too long ago, the focus was on the mother and the baby was encouraged to fit around the family and cause minimum disruption.
Now I read all this nonsense about sleep cues and wake windows as if the baby is a project rather than a person, yet new mums are running themselves into the ground trying to facilitate the whims of a baby who is unpredictable and demanding, snarling at anyone who suggests trying to get a good night's sleep might be beneficial to everyone.
Babies might be awake all night, but adults are not designed to be, which is, why there used to be so much emphasis on getting baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible.
I honestly think we are heading for a mental health crisis with the current 'advice' where non-sleeping babies (past three/four months) are normalised and young mothers are encouraged by forums such as this to push away the very peoples - family, health visitors, even partners - who are best-placed to help them, feeding the line that it's all about sleepy/milky snuggles and your baby, your rules.
It doesn't look like progress to me.

Would you agree with the MIL waking the baby up so harshly in the middle of the day then? I’m not sure many people would, even if her motives were sincere.

I respect your opinion on it, but like anything, the more understanding you have of something, the better armed you are to deal with the unknown, there is a lot more information out there now with regards to baby sleep and what they need to develop, it’s up to the caregivers to decide what to follow and implement, not have it forced upon them by someone who isn’t up to date with the methods you want to use.

In my experience, understanding wake windows does help them sleep better at night, it means baby isn’t getting overtired during the day, so they are happier when awake, content when asleep and they will naturally stretch their asleep periods at night, that’s the idea behind it and it worked brilliantly for us, but maybe we just had a good sleeper!

Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 08:59

Of course you are not be unreasonable. A 2 week old baby shouldn't be handled like that at all. And when they are tiny sleep breeds sleep. She just needs to get a handle on day and night,, which will come.

jannier · 17/04/2023 09:12

@florency

It's from the companies that sell bath time products with sleep scents in.

jannier · 17/04/2023 09:15

Advice is also that you don't need to bath them daily as it could dry their skin out....see NHS guidence

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2023 09:17

Your dh is being very unhelpful. Take him to a midwife/health visitor appt and tell them your dh wants you to do things like sleep baby on their front because his mum tells him these things and he thinks that makes it expert advice, so you can’t trust him with the baby now and could you please explain to him the sids link? And that maybe he should trust me?

Gondala · 17/04/2023 09:27

This may sound really offensive and I'm really not saying all teen parents are rubbish as I know some really are wonderful but I wonder as a teen parent if she even followed guide lines at the time or if she left alot of the newborn days to her parents and took their outdated advice? Surely waking a newborn would cause them to become overtired and even less likely to create a decent routine? I can count on one hand the amount of times my 6yo has slept through the night. My DD slept through from 2 weeks old. This stopped at 6months and now at 22months her sleep is very hit and miss. As a newborn she slept alot through the day too. I did nothing different with either, I believe alot of sleep is down to luck.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 17/04/2023 09:29

sarah419 · 17/04/2023 00:03

Your MIL is right. Babies need help to regulate their sleep hormone so they can differentiate between day and night. You do this by sunlight exposure during the day, and a clear bedtime routine at night. Bath at night is actually suggested by many sleep experts. Also, btw, at two weeks babies should actually sleep a long stretch at night, including many doing a six hour stretch (if healthy weight and not hungry). The sleep regression actually kicks in around 12 weeks of age, and onwards. If you are struggling with new born phase there are plenty of books/ online resources/ courses to help you better understand this phase. I would actually also accept whatever help any trusted family member is offering - you need to rest as much as possible. Best of luck

Show us an expert that defends waking up a baby holding it in the air at 2 weeks ?

Gondala · 17/04/2023 09:30

I also agree your DH needs to grow up and start researching things properly and supporting you.

Katypp · 17/04/2023 10:27

I am not defending your mil's actions, by the way, just the assumption on here that anyone over 40 is a danger to babies and know nothing. It's arrogant and wrong.
There seems to be an assumption that today's advice is the definitive right way. It isn't and it will change. FWIW, because if the mental health issues I mentioned in another post, I think all this baby-led advice will disappear gradually as it's unsustainable

ST10 · 17/04/2023 10:52

Absolutely not! Your baby isn’t a terrible sleeper; she’s 2 weeks old and this is completely normal. I have a 5 year old who hasn’t slept well at night since day one and now have a 5 month old who was completely nocturnal for the first 3 weeks but now sleeps through the night consistently at 5 months. I haven’t done anything different this time and I certainly haven’t ever woken them up during the day to try and make them sleep at night. My 5 month old sleeps lots through the day and then still goes down to sleep at night, my 5 year old doesn’t sleep during the day and doesn’t sleep at night … so what your MIL is saying is complete rubbish. You do you and ignore everyone else. Don’t doubt yourself. My MIL used to spout off to me about all sorts but actually has no idea whatsoever - she even said how she was terrified of babies when holding her grandson for the first time but then proceeded to drop hints on how I should be potty training etc… They can have completely unrealistic expectations on timescales and I think it’s them looking back on their time in early motherhood with rose tinted spectacles. It drives me mad when the older generation ask, ‘is she a good baby?’ What do they mean by that?! My baby is wonderful whether they sleep or not, I’m never going to categorise them as a ‘bad baby.’ People ask whether they sleep through from around 3 weeks - of course they bloody don’t, they need feeding!!! ‘Aren’t they potty trained yet?’ At 18 months … it’s non stop. You learn to switch off to it over time and I had an amazing mum and health visitor who always supported me and gave me the confidence in my own decisions. You need to sit down and talk to your partner about it - parenting is so much harder when you’re not on the same page - he needs to read up on newborn sleep and accept that there is no magic wand, they will be what they will be when it comes to sleep no matter what ‘advice’ people give you. But also take into consideration that it’s his mum and he loves her so he’s going to listen to her and be defensive(just as we hope ours will grow up to be) even though she’s completely wrong!

luckylavender · 17/04/2023 10:58

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 16:50

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

Stick to your guns obviously. But also, why wasn't she supporting her head?

Giletjaune · 17/04/2023 11:15

Beware of “kindness” masquerading as “when she’s out of the house we’ll do what we want”.

MIL and her sister visited and offered to look after the baby while I popped to the supermarket. When I returned they had dressed her up in their frilly* outfit and were taking pictures with a camera, but using the laser focus right up close on her face. I was worried that the laser could damage her eyes but of course it was 2 against one telling me I was “being silly”.

*MIL moaned to family that I didn’t dress the baby in enough girly clothes!

jannier · 17/04/2023 12:19

Look up sleep advice by the Lullaby Trust it tells you about babies sleeping on backs etc.

jannier · 17/04/2023 12:23

Nhs website on sleep for babies ....please do not keep baby awake that is classed as abuse.

For taking my baby away from MIL
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2023 12:47

Katypp · 17/04/2023 10:27

I am not defending your mil's actions, by the way, just the assumption on here that anyone over 40 is a danger to babies and know nothing. It's arrogant and wrong.
There seems to be an assumption that today's advice is the definitive right way. It isn't and it will change. FWIW, because if the mental health issues I mentioned in another post, I think all this baby-led advice will disappear gradually as it's unsustainable

Several posters have said they’re older than 47, myself included. No one has said their advice is invalid. They are saying this particular outdated advice is invalid.

My dd is 14 and I used an independent midwife. She showed dh and me safe ways to co sleep with dd. Dd was breastfed on demand and woke 3, maybe 4 times in a night and slept most of the time as a newborn. I got dd in a routine when she was older. However, breastfeeding was well established by then.

Right now, it’s important the baby is put to the breast as much as possible to stimulate milk production and keep up with supply. As previously mentioned, night time milk is fattier and an important source of nutrition. The goal right now should not be to get op’s baby through the night.

Idk exactly how old the father is. But babies fitting around women’s lives wasn’t the norm 30 years ago. The baby is in the fourth trimester and her needs come first for now.

Rufusroo · 17/04/2023 13:31

Your baby, your rules! You are the one building a close loving relationship and the one who knows her best. Ignore MIL. It must be at least 30 years since she had a newborn and, just because she did it that way is absolutely no reason why you should

Doubletroublemummy2 · 17/04/2023 14:55

YANBU, but mil is not entirely wrong. Her approach definitely is wrong. She shouldn't be taking it on herself to physically interfere. DH also needs to be more supportive of you. You can help baby adjust sleep patterns by waking them at certain points during the day but you need to be aware of current sleep patterns and start to adjust these gently. It's not necessary but is possible. Mil however seems a little bit out of touch with just how little baby still is. Head support def still needed at 2 weeks old. It is upto you and maybe explain to DH that you need his support to manage all the changes that will happen in the next few months and that his mom needs to tow the line or be excluded completely. You don't need the extra stress atm.

Issania87 · 17/04/2023 15:09

YANBU

Babies should be fed every 3 hours when new, this includes day and night time.

To keep the peace with MIL though, maybe get a bedtime routine established. It doesn't hurt, and it can be useful for when the baby is older and you can start to regulate their sleep.