For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. It’s v early days for u. Your MIL should but out and your husband should support you more. My children slept through the day and cried through the night as newborns but it doesn’t last forever. I agree with an evening bath though. Best of luck and enjoy your baby.

Your MIL is an ill informed and needs to mind her own business. Your DH needs to stand up and behave like a father and husband. He should be supporting you not undermining you.

In the early weeks, babies are unable to distinguish between day and night. They can sleep anything between 8 and 16 hours a day and that is perfectly normal. Clearly your MIL and DH need to educate themselves.

The NHS website is helpful: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/

Sorry for the quick response, I’m sorting little one out.

@firsttimemum990 the lullaby trust website is the authority for safe sleeping for babies, your HV will probably refer you to that. You should always put them down on their back unless you are instructed by a healthcare professional to do something different for a specific reason. It’s so hard being a new mum, everyone has a view, many of them are outdated at times and good practice move so quickly. Just trust in your own instincts. I’m sure you are doing a fabulous job. Congratulations and enjoy 😊

My mother was obsessed with this too! I also ignored her

Once you are out of the fourth trimester (look it up and show it to DH) then a bedtime routine is helpful, but 2 weeks is brand new and absolutely tiny and it takes a little while for them to understand day and night - plus they generally sleep most of 24 hours anyway. They both need educating!

She’s 2 weeks old! She should be asleep for pretty much all of the time she’s not feeding!
However I would bath her every day and give her nappy free kick time if possible. It’s lovely to do, will keep her fresh and sore free and is a good time to check her all over and make sure that all is well.
I agree - Google or ask a health professional to back you up - you are in the right.
man’s Dmil IS an outsider if your little family unit, tell DH that she is welcome but she is not making decisions on how you parent, she can offer advice if she wishes but should never over-ride your decisions.

I agree that getting the midwife or HV to speak to him will definitely help. I had an issue over BF and DH thought he knew better (even though he hadn’t a clue about anything to do with babies). It was very helpful and rather satisfying when the midwife put him straight that what he was saying was rubbish. He never questioned me after that and was fully onboard and supportive after it.

I hope the baby reads all the books, resources recommended.
As for the gloating “my child slept all night from 8 weeks” ignore them. No 2 babies are the same and I say that as a mum of 3 who all had different sleeping patterns and still do as teens.

Oh God. 2 weeks is not the time to be doing this. We thought we were.lucky to get 4 hours deep at a stretch. Keep doing what you're doing & the response to your MIL if you get the rod/back comment, is 'my rod, my back, but thanks for your advice & I will think about it' Then ignore. Congratulations by the way. It gets easier.

I'm 58, as I stated earlier on the thread, and the advice hasn't changed that much. Certainly the back to sleep advice was in force 32 years ago when my first baby was a newborn. For breastfeeding - preferably on demand, at least every two hours, and no limiting overnight feeding as the feedings between midnight and 2 am are important for establishing milk production.

The MH problems women face stem mainly from having utter pillocks of partners, who can't / won't do housework, and think mat leave is great because it means their female partner has all the time in the world to get housework done and cordon bleu meals cooked for them daily. That's what's unsustainable. But it won't change. Instead, babies will become the victims of their fathers' inadequacies.

do you have any baby guide books? These will all support your approach and you can show them to your MIL. Gina Ford for example says turn the clock to the wall for the first few weeks. Paediatricians say feed your baby every 2 to 4 hours depending on baby's weight - e.g. 6lbs every 2.5 hours, increase gap depending on weight. GOOD LUCK!

Honestly it’s your baby and you have every right to do what you want. No one should be waving your baby around without you saying they can.

In my experience (3 children), they will sleep and wake when they want to, no matter what you try. With mine, if they got overtired they would wake even more at night!

my eldest did benefit from daily baths however, it calmed them before bed and they thrive on structure and routine. My youngest on the other hand couldn’t have baths too often as it caused their eczema 🤷‍♀️ All children are different, you need to find what’s rights for you both and two weeks is very young.

Sorry I didn’t mean to post this here I will ask admin to remove

Breastfed babies in particular wake up and feed all night (and day!) especially so early on. MIL needs to back off! Hopefully you don’t have to see her too often. Hope you’re ok - new baby days/ weeks/ months are HARD xx

Definitely not being unreasonable. My MIL is obsessed with waking my baby up because he's always napping when she's here. After 9 months of it I'm very close to losing my shit with her. DH also won't stand up to his mum. It's pathetic.

this. 100 per cent.

Sleep when your baby sleeps if you can. Your body is still adjusting to having given birth. You need rest and a bit of TLC.

Have faith in yourself. You know your baby best. And the little one is only 2 weeks old.
She will settle down soon and become more predictable.
Tell your DH and MIL to stop being so overbearing.

Never leave your baby with your MIL and make sure your husband reads this post. Quite appalled at their ignorance.

I was 38 when I had my daughter 31 years ago. From my experience I’m very taken aback by your post. The HV , friends in baby group , and all that I read would never advise this interference in baby’s sleep patterns at such a young age. You are right as far as I learned back then. Later on say towards a year the advice would then be tailored towards trying out sleep control if there seems to be the need but this young no way. As for putting a baby to sleep on their front we are advised the exact opposite. For a very firm and important reason after research done. Your DH has no right to undermine you in this way. It’s you and his baby and MIL is out of order to interfere this way regardless of any cultural differences. Stick to your ground. Very disappointing that DH is taking his out of date’s mother’s side. Good luck trust your instincts that’s the main thing to do.

Not being unreasonable at all...she is!

Babies of 2 weeks sleeping through ?
Evening bathtime to calm the baby ready for sleep ?

I'm going to demand my money back. My DD didn't sleep through for ages and an evening bath was just the thing to wake her up.

All babies are different - they have their personalities and little ways from the get go.

And yes brand new Mums can be wise to this better than anyone else - it's their baby. A grandmother of 47 should know about the advice for babies to sleep on their backs and to support a 2 week old baby's head.

The bath and bed routine is a good idea but no rush to start it yet. I'd be clear to your dh that advice is fine but optional and you do not expect to be undermined by extended family. Also ask midwife or hv (in front of him) if your mil is right.

My view on this is that grandmothers and indeed older mothers simply don’t remember what two week olds are like. They basically sleep all the time -and only wake to eat !
They remember four-ish month olds (happy engaged interactive chirpy things ) and use that memory as a yard stick to judge much much younger babies by.

The other thing I used to tell myself is just because they raised two babies thirty years ago does NOT make them a flipping expert in babies !!

I know some really really stupid people who still know babies sleep in the day so they must be off the charts thickos

My mil nearly killed my DS1 by putting him to sleep on a beanbag. She is a monster and bullied me, taking advantage of the fact that my own mum died when I was a child. But my husband has always been on my side which makes all the difference. He doesn't like her either.....