Page 13 | For taking my baby away from MIL

firsttimemum990 · 2023-04-16T15:50:36+00:00

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference. She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night" DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish. Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

HereForTheFreeLunch · 17/04/2023 07:10

The bath at night of course works as it's very calming. But that's all a bit later. Initially they just need a wash every few days - as far as I remember.

speakout · 17/04/2023 07:22

OP I would speak to your midwife or HV urgently.

This is bullying- and it needs to stop.

amkm21 · 17/04/2023 07:26

My newborn is now almost 6 weeks(!) and was entirely nocturnal until last week. Your mil is unreasonable. While I also was saying we needed to try keep baby awake during the day a little more I meant once he was awake and close to nighttime. In reality it made no difference anyway. I would be pissed off if anyone woke up my sleeping baby, let alone if I had specifically told them not to. Totally overstepping. Your husband needs to get on your side as well!

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 17/04/2023 07:27

speakout · 17/04/2023 07:22

OP I would speak to your midwife or HV urgently.

This is bullying- and it needs to stop.

I would second that.

I would also show your DH this thread! He is being a dick, and your MIL... I really have no words.

Katypp · 17/04/2023 07:30

bussteward · 16/04/2023 19:08

Never leave her alone with your DD. She’s an idiot, but also has no interest in listening to you and knows FA about babies, breastfeeding, sleep, common sense…

At two weeks, DS slept 22 hours out of 24. Obviously those two hours were spread out into tiny annoying intervals for feeds and nappies so I was not well rested, but the important thing is that he was! I’d have murdered my MIL had she done this. Also he still doesn’t get a bath at four months in his evening routine because he’s knackered by then; it doesn’t settle them if they’re tired and want to feed!

I am sorry, but although your MIL was overbearing, I had to pick up on this!
So a mum of two weeks and a mum of four months know more than someone who has presumably raised at least one child into an adult? How could that be?
Like most mums these days, you certainly think you know more. You certainly know more about the current fads and about YOUR baby but to say your MIL knows FA about babies is ridiculous. Think about it.
Things change. The way babies are cared for changes. When you, with your wisdom of four months, are a grandmother, you will also know FA about babies (or the current 'rules').
The arrogance of some new mothers is dreadful on here and the eagerness to ban (usually) Mils from 'seeing baby alone' is ridiculous.
Once new mums used to look to older generations for advice as it was all new to them and older members of the family had been through it. Now they are experts before the baby is even born, thanks to Google and sites like this which reinforce the view that anyone who has already brought up children knows nothing and is a danger to this generation of babies.
And before I get the inevitable head-tilt questions, yes I do have children myself and no I am not a grandmother.

Meandfour · 17/04/2023 07:34

Miloticc · 16/04/2023 16:55

YANBU! Just 100% yanbu and well done for standing up for your DD and saying something. You should be super proud of yourself because it’s not easy.

I think she’s stuck with her generations advice and I’ve never understood why people don’t move on with the times. Some people get offended when you don’t do it exactly like they did, as if you’re somehow saying they parented wrong. It’s so strange and definitely not the norm!

She’s not stuck with her generations advice. She’s trying to help a sleep deprived mum who sounds like she has been complaining about how her dd sleeps.

FWIW- baths in the evening do actually help IME @firsttimemum990 so it wouldn’t kill you to try it. It can’t make it any worse by the sounds of things. I’ve always bathed my children every night.

TeddybearBaby · 17/04/2023 07:41

sarah419 · 17/04/2023 00:03

Your MIL is right. Babies need help to regulate their sleep hormone so they can differentiate between day and night. You do this by sunlight exposure during the day, and a clear bedtime routine at night. Bath at night is actually suggested by many sleep experts. Also, btw, at two weeks babies should actually sleep a long stretch at night, including many doing a six hour stretch (if healthy weight and not hungry). The sleep regression actually kicks in around 12 weeks of age, and onwards. If you are struggling with new born phase there are plenty of books/ online resources/ courses to help you better understand this phase. I would actually also accept whatever help any trusted family member is offering - you need to rest as much as possible. Best of luck

I totally agree with you, who knew opening the curtains during the day, closing them at night and giving a baby a quiet time bath in the evening would be so controversial 😂

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 17/04/2023 07:44

Omg I’d be fuming! Babies at that age don’t know the difference between night and day! I would be firm and stick to your guns. Never wake a sleeping baby. Although the bath thing might help but as the mother of a 4.5 year old, I can tell you that he never slept well whatever I did and only does now!! I also breast fed!
Trust your judgement.

TeaAndTwoSugars · 17/04/2023 07:45

For those going on about daylight to regulate sleep wake it's a load of bollocks.
My ds slept through anything until 6 months in the height of summer we were regularly out in the sunshine and he would still sleep.
They need it they are growing so rapidly at this stage hence why they sleep so much.
Please read the nhs advice people.
Also putting down on the front to sleep is obviously bad, MIL advice is outdated and potentially dangerous.

Larea · 17/04/2023 07:46

You had every right to take your baby off your mil has she ever heard of shaking baby syndrome jesus christ having your dd in the air shaking her I would take my dd off and smack her one and your dh is an absolute idiot print off what shaking baby syndrome is and let your dh read up on it and tell him if you didn't take your dd off your mil this might of been your dd

Meandfour · 17/04/2023 07:54

Larea · 17/04/2023 07:46

You had every right to take your baby off your mil has she ever heard of shaking baby syndrome jesus christ having your dd in the air shaking her I would take my dd off and smack her one and your dh is an absolute idiot print off what shaking baby syndrome is and let your dh read up on it and tell him if you didn't take your dd off your mil this might of been your dd

It’s actually shaken baby syndrome so preaching to her MIL about “shaking” baby syndrome would make her sound quite thick.

Pinkclouds80 · 17/04/2023 08:09

I am livid just reading this! What a horrendously stupid and rude thing to do! A newborn sleep cycle is about 45 mins I think, your baby is completely normal and your instincts are bang on. You did well not to lamp her 😂 Hope you can set some solid boundaries with that woman as time goes on, and your husband who needs to have your back…I have one of these in my life and I’ve had to stonewall a lot of shit advice and intrusive behaviour. Good luck and never doubt your instincts again 😂💜

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/04/2023 08:13

Well done for taking your baby back. You are the babies mum so you do know better, tell your DH exactly that. Now keep that resolve and continue to do what you see fit for both you and baby. As for DH, he needs educating, you’re still under HV care so ask her to call in to put him right.
Babies need sleep, lots of it, keeping a baby awake when it’s trying to sleep is cruel.

Bunnycat101 · 17/04/2023 08:14

Newborns can’t really manage more than about 45 minutes awake time. I found this really helpful with my children. At 4 months they are still probably only having 1h30 awake time.

https://www.weebeedreaming.com/my-blog/sample-schedule-4-months-up

My second was basically like clockwork for awake windows. Naps were like magic with her compared to my first. Most babies need lots of sleep and once they’ve been awake too long get harder not easier to put down. https://takingcarababies.com/wake-windows-and-baby-sleep

NEW & IMPROVED! UPDATED 2022! Sample Schedules for the First Year and Beyond — Wee Bee Dreaming Pediatric Sleep Consulting

I will preface this blog post by saying that all babies are different and yours might not necessarily fit into this schedule perfectly every single day but it is just meant as a guide to know what is typical at each age and as baby grows.  I inten...

https://www.weebeedreaming.com/my-blog/sample-schedule-4-months-up

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/04/2023 08:17

Don’t leave mIL on her own with your baby,

sandyhappypeople · 17/04/2023 08:27

TeaAndTwoSugars · 17/04/2023 07:45

For those going on about daylight to regulate sleep wake it's a load of bollocks.
My ds slept through anything until 6 months in the height of summer we were regularly out in the sunshine and he would still sleep.
They need it they are growing so rapidly at this stage hence why they sleep so much.
Please read the nhs advice people.
Also putting down on the front to sleep is obviously bad, MIL advice is outdated and potentially dangerous.

with respect, I think you might be misunderstanding what people are saying, no one is saying keep the baby awake in the day (apart from MIL of course) what they’re saying is that when baby IS awake in the day it helps to keep it bright and noisy, and when the baby IS awake in the night it helps to keep it dark and quiet.

they are referring to regulating night sleep vs day sleep when babies have it the wrong way round as OP suggests in her post.

People are just saying what worked for them, not telling the OP what they should do, so dismissing it as ‘bollocks’, is quite rude TBH.

Katypp · 17/04/2023 08:33

Like me, your MIL is probably aghast at the way anything that gently encourages good habits and routine for your baby is frowned upon today.
Not too long ago, the focus was on the mother and the baby was encouraged to fit around the family and cause minimum disruption.
Now I read all this nonsense about sleep cues and wake windows as if the baby is a project rather than a person, yet new mums are running themselves into the ground trying to facilitate the whims of a baby who is unpredictable and demanding, snarling at anyone who suggests trying to get a good night's sleep might be beneficial to everyone.
Babies might be awake all night, but adults are not designed to be, which is, why there used to be so much emphasis on getting baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible.
I honestly think we are heading for a mental health crisis with the current 'advice' where non-sleeping babies (past three/four months) are normalised and young mothers are encouraged by forums such as this to push away the very peoples - family, health visitors, even partners - who are best-placed to help them, feeding the line that it's all about sleepy/milky snuggles and your baby, your rules.
It doesn't look like progress to me.

Grandmaisme · 17/04/2023 08:33

Babies do all their growing when they are asleep and Mother knows best not grandmother.

Katypp · 17/04/2023 08:34

Really? A mother of two weeks?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/04/2023 08:37

Katypp · 17/04/2023 08:34

Really? A mother of two weeks?

I'd hazard a guess that the new mum has done some reading about parenting before her baby arrived. Research that's relevant to today, and what we know that we didn't know when she herself was a baby. So yeah, in this situation, mother probably does know best in comparison with someone who last had a newborn 35 years ago when we did some things a different way. Even though she is a new mum.

MarkWithaC · 17/04/2023 08:37

YANBU. Just for her letting your baby's head flop about I would never let her be in a room alone with the baby again.
Agree with a pp to get the health visitor to kick your DH's arse. And you need to kick his arse too, of course!

Meandfour · 17/04/2023 08:38

Katypp · 17/04/2023 08:33

Like me, your MIL is probably aghast at the way anything that gently encourages good habits and routine for your baby is frowned upon today.
Not too long ago, the focus was on the mother and the baby was encouraged to fit around the family and cause minimum disruption.
Now I read all this nonsense about sleep cues and wake windows as if the baby is a project rather than a person, yet new mums are running themselves into the ground trying to facilitate the whims of a baby who is unpredictable and demanding, snarling at anyone who suggests trying to get a good night's sleep might be beneficial to everyone.
Babies might be awake all night, but adults are not designed to be, which is, why there used to be so much emphasis on getting baby to sleep through the night as soon as possible.
I honestly think we are heading for a mental health crisis with the current 'advice' where non-sleeping babies (past three/four months) are normalised and young mothers are encouraged by forums such as this to push away the very peoples - family, health visitors, even partners - who are best-placed to help them, feeding the line that it's all about sleepy/milky snuggles and your baby, your rules.
It doesn't look like progress to me.

Have to say I completely agree with you. Especially with the baby now being somewhat of a project. It’s getting ridiculous. People make them like a work task with tick lists and extensive research.

AK93 · 17/04/2023 08:38

I'm 2 weeks pp now too and my DS sleeps a lot in the day then cluster feeds at night. As much as I'd love a good night's sleep it is natural for babies to feed at night and supposedly important that they do. I was told the early hours are when certain hormones are released?

It's your baby and you're allowed to take them from anyone for any reason you see fit. With animals you're lucky to get to even go near and touch their babies as they're generally more protective and can be defensive and aggressive, so if anything humans are very lucky they get to cuddle babies in the first place (I for one love a baby cuddle so am happy we are generally more open to sharing the love if our newborns. I don't think it was okay for anyone to attempt to wake your baby without your consent. Mine had a bit more awake periods yesterday but didn't mean he didn't wake for food in the night!

Just remind people that you are a new mum and learning what you're comfortable with and that other people choosing what to do with your baby unfortunately isn't something you are comfortable with at least not at the moment! xx

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/04/2023 08:40

People make them like a work task with tick lists and extensive research

Eeshk. How dare we research. How dare we try and figure out whats best for baby ey?

MarkWithaC · 17/04/2023 08:41

Meandfour · 17/04/2023 08:38

Have to say I completely agree with you. Especially with the baby now being somewhat of a project. It’s getting ridiculous. People make them like a work task with tick lists and extensive research.

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Why should she not 'push away' someone who mishandles her baby like that?
I don't disagree in principle about babies fitting in with life rather than the other way round, but in practice that looks less like sleep training and more like sleeping when the baby sleeps – which, if the MIL didn't wake the baby up, the OP would be able to do!