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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For taking my baby away from MIL

429 replies

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 16:50

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

OP posts:
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MaraScottie · 16/04/2023 17:06

Omg. Im actually shocked that someone could be so misinformed.

This advise is utterly dangerous. Your DH needs to read a book on babies. And you should never ever leave that baby alone with your MIL.

What an idiot.

grannysmithspips · 16/04/2023 17:08

Also - I did bathe dd every night but that's because that felt right to me and sometimes we would have a bath together - holding a little baby in the bath was lovely. Doesn't mean that you have to or that you should.

As others have said I'm very impressed that you stood up for you and your dd - I think at two weeks I was just totally confused and wouldn't have thought to do what you did.

Miloticc · 16/04/2023 17:09

jannier · 16/04/2023 17:02

That's never been advice for any generation to keep a 2 week old awake.

Show quote history

Oh sorry, I was told by quite a few people in my DM’s generation to keep my DC awake until bedtime, I didn’t mean to assume I’ve just honestly heard it a lot

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 16/04/2023 17:10

That's awful. I would ban her from the house and tell her to read up on it. What a witch.

mathanxiety · 16/04/2023 17:10

My exMIL boasted to me that she never once got up in the night to feed or attend to any of her babies. As far as she was concerned, she was going to get a full night's sleep regardless. That was back in the days when women spent two weeks in hospital after childbirth, and the babies were whisked off to the nursery overnight. She thought I was crazy to breastfeed and ordered me not to get up from my dinner to pick up little 2 day old DD when she started crying. I ignored her. ExH was mortified that I would defy his sainted mother.

Aerosarethebest · 16/04/2023 17:12

Sorry that’s a link to show your husband and maybe your MIL OP.

cptartapp · 16/04/2023 17:13

Does she give the same advice to your DH. Why is it all directed at you?
Just see less of her.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/04/2023 17:14

Just google it, then show your Dh and tell
him he owes you an apology and needs to tell his mother she also owes you one along with an assurance she will listen to you in future

Pleasecreateausername13 · 16/04/2023 17:16

Does your mother in law not know that 2 week old babies don’t know what is day and what is night. Their circadian rhythm doesn’t kick in until about 8-9 weeks.

Your MIL is just being a cunt…there I said it. (Wait can I say that on mumnet) ha!

BabbleBee · 16/04/2023 17:16

Baby’s head wouldn’t have been “flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep” - that happens because they have no control over their head at 2 weeks and cannot support it.

Is baby’s behaviour still the same as before that happened?

supersop60 · 16/04/2023 17:16

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/04/2023 17:02

I do hope that if ever MiL nods off in your company - at Xmas, for example - you poke her awake!

I would SO want to do this!

Secondbirthwhathappened · 16/04/2023 17:16

YANBU, my baby is the same age and also sleeps all day and parties at the milk bar all night. Perfectly normal, they’ll flip day and night in their own good time, with DD it took 6 weeks or so. Also bathing them every day is bad for their skin and causes allergies. My baby had his first bath at 10 days old.

mathanxiety · 16/04/2023 17:16

And quite frankly, your MIL is an outsider. He needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.

She's not a part of your marriage.

She's not one of the baby's parents.

If your H thinks she's part of a trio in your home, your problems are bigger than just an argument over sleep.

The fact that he's making an issue over this when you are two weeks post partum doesn't bode well for your relationship.

Sit him down.
Spell out exactly what you expect from him in terms of loyalty and moral support.

Tell him he has to choose you every time there's a choice to be made between your mothering instincts and his mother's, or he can return to live with her.

Do not let him get away with thinking he can treat you with disrespect and lack of loyalty and support.

Smallyellowbird · 16/04/2023 17:17

Your MIL is wrong as everyone has said, and a mean grandmother - I thought this was going to be about her waking the baby by picking her up for a cuddle, not because a 2 week old was not fitting a schedule which granny has decided is best.

Your husband is being a dick - he needs to realise that his mother is ridiculous, will he talk to Dad friends , read a parenting book or can the health visitor talk to him?

Your MIL is a cow.

RedHelenB · 16/04/2023 17:17

I don't think she was entirely wrong, having a bath and establishing that night is night isn't necessarily a bad thing. Having said that, it is your decision as a parent as to how much " advice" you take on board. As to dh, he is also baby's parent, and may not always agree with you on how best to raise your child. You both need to find a way to discuss this calmly and to listen to each other.

autumnboys · 16/04/2023 17:18

I wish it was that simple! But in the experience I had of my three, it definitely wasn’t the case that evening baths meant a good night of sleep. Or indeed, any sleep…

What she means is she wants to see the baby awake. Bad luck. Plenty of time for that later. Stick to your guns OP and tell your husband to shape up. On the first night home from hospital with DS1, he was crying, I was crying and I still sent DH to head his mother off on the stairs because he was my baby and I wanted to figure it out. She was exceptionally gracious about it all because she is a lovely person.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/04/2023 17:18

My own mother was of the same opinion. I told her she was being ridiculous and the baby needs more sleep than wake time, her tummy is tiny so she needs to wake for food through the night, that it wasn't her baby and to keep her ridiculous suggestions to herself.

Problem here is you have a weak dh who sides with his mummy over the wellbeing of his baby.

misspositivepants · 16/04/2023 17:18

Sleep breeds sleep, and anyway, she’s 2 weeks old perfectly normal for them to sleep so much, whilst they are sleeping they are growing and all that good stuff.

google the fourth trimester and show them everything, and I’d be firm with your DH that you know your baby best

PauseTheRain · 16/04/2023 17:20

Not being unreasonable at all.

ShowUs · 16/04/2023 17:22

She is obviously just trying to help and you will have a lot of mothers giving their advice.

But you are the mum and she had absolutely no right to go against your wishes.

The newborn time is when they sleep a lot so make the most of it.
They also struggle to sleep when they’re over tired.

Because your baby is so little then I’d let them do what they want (eg feed on demand, sleep and wake when they want etc).

Some people choose to bath every day to get into a routine but I didn’t because I don’t think it’s good for their skin, however it is completely your choice and not your MILs.

TulipCat · 16/04/2023 17:23

It's totally pointless trying to control the sleep of a baby that young, or trying to establish any kind of routine before about 12 weeks. I find that older women who claim they did certain things with their own children have either forgotten exactly when this was (ie at 12 weeks not 2!) or are looking back through rose tinted spectacles.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 16/04/2023 17:24

Your husband and you Mail need to read a book or current article or whatever ! Newborn babies agouro not be awaken qnd newborn babies need to cluster feed and are expected to awake , it’s actually a survival instinct .
she is stupid and rude and if your DH doesn’t learn to support you then he is as bad as her

Aquarium321 · 16/04/2023 17:25

Almost the only useful parenting advice I got was "sleep breeds sleep". Over tired is so much more of an issue than undertired in my experience. At 2 weeks old we barely knew our baby's eye colour!

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 16/04/2023 17:29

Jesus. I don’t know how you’d keep a newborn awake even if you wanted to 😵‍💫 sounds cruel. MIL is awful and DH is too.