For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

To keep the peace with MIL though, maybe get a bedtime routine established

What?! Why? A newborn doesn’t need a bedtime routine they’re not bathed daily (or they shouldn’t be, anyway) and they have no understanding of stories. Why do something so pointless and why does MIL ‘need’ her to do it?

Oh my goodness, you are 100% in the right here and your MIL needs to butt out. Your baby is 2 weeks old!!! She is still working out her circadian rhythm. Many babies are totally nocturnal at this age. The best thing to do is to just ensure the room is light during the day and dark at night and she will sort herself out. She will still wake to feed in the night though and that's totally normal and healthy! Regular waking in the night is also protection against Sids. It's not about trying to "fix" anything, shes normal, stick to your guns with mil and DH! Xx

Why does anyone need to parent in a way which is solely to placate another person who (1) isn't the child's parent and (2) doesn't live in the same house?

Yikes - how do people become so misinformed and how on earth did she have kids?? Babies have no concept of night and day until 12 weeks and even then frequent wake-up's for milk is normal as their stomachs are so small. Definitely recommend referring them to the health visitor or midwife

How dare he! He needs to stop treating YOU as if you are an idiot and respect you as a mother of his child with absolutely the tight instincts for your child. And MIL ..how dare she pick up your child and hold her incorrectly and ignore your wishes!

How dare the pair of them! You ARE right!

She is wrong. You can’t keep up a two week old! What an awful woman. Is understand if your baby was much older but not at two weeks. That is just very sad. Please make sure you don’t leave your baby on its own with her.

No, you are not being unreasonable. I’d go to hers, shake and wake her up in the middle of the night and see how she likes it. She should respect your parental decisions and keep her opinions to herself. Your DH also needs to grow a pair.

I completely agree, I was more referring to the MIL’s view that babies age should be kept awake in the daytime in order to sleep through. That simply never works, regardless of the age of the baby.

Your MIL is wrong OP! Babies need to sleep as part of their development! I’ve had 4 children and all 4 slept in the day, fed when needed to, last feed at night before sleeping a few hours then awake for more feeds, it is normal! Your MIL sounds horrible and like a know it all. Ignore her and do what’s best for your baby, she seems like a control freak. Your DH shouldn’t be siding with her too. Where are his balls?

Yes it's normal for babies to sleep in the daytime and sleep for long periods - it's fine. As for mil holding 2 week old baby and not supporting the head is a red flag for me

Your MIL is wrong ime. I'd have been so angry for someone to deliberately wake my sleeping baby!

Lots of light in the day is worthwhile though. I was a fan of walking my baby to sleep in the buggy then leaving them to sleep in the garden.

I think my breastfed baby's longest sleep stretch at that age was around 4-5 hrs from 11pm. Breastfeeding at night imo is important for supply.

We co-slept which allowed me to not be too tired but of course that's not for everyone.

My Mum's advice on baby sleep was very outdated. "Cry it out". "The baby will sleep if it's tired" (no, mine just screamed until nearly sick unless I went to them). I just ignored it and did what I felt comfortable with.

My advice - crack on parenting how you want. Stop complaining to MIL about tiredness.

Sorry, the 4-5 hrs was at 10 weeks, not 2.

Holding a 2 week old baby in the air so it's poor little head is flopping about???
She's a crazy woman - and your husband needs a slap! 😠

Two weeks old!!! DD will sleep huge amounts during the day that’s normal. At this age all you can really do is be guided by her and eventually you will fall into a rhythm and things will improve.

mil sounds like a stupid woman. Stand up to dh and tell him to never choose his mother over you again

Trust your gut and do not let anyone sway you. Everyone has opinions when you are a mum. Your thoughts on this situation sound very sensible. You are the boss

Oh my gosh new babies should never be woken up like that. It is so important for their healthy physical and emotional development that they sleep when they need to (this subject is my line of work). Perhaps find a way to educate your husband on this, I’ll have a think. Have faith in yourself and stick to your guns

UK newborn advice is a bit shit and doesn’t take into account the mother’s mental health. In breastfeeding cultures they know that breastmilk is produced at night and so the advice is generally to get the child out and about and awake as much as possible in the day, then dreamfeed at night.

I am still breastfeeding my 3.5 yo (and bf my eldest until 4) - I didn’t know the ‘get them into a routine by 3 weeks’ rule and it was sheer hell. Then with second I got a breastfeeding consultant in and he was in a routine by 3 weeks where the bulk of his breastfeeds were at night while we were both sleeping. It was bliss.

The way you do this is by:

1. Maximising sunlight exposure in the day. Breastfeed on demand but do it outdoors.
2. Bath or oil massage when you want them to know it’s daylight.
3. Take them to bed (I co-slept) and bf topless on demand in a sidelying position so you don’t need to wake up.
4. Your DP needs to do all nappy changes. That’s not a rule but it really, really helps your MH.

If you do this then by the sleep regression (at 12 weeks) you will have a fool proof way of getting them back to sleep.

*when you want them to know it’s nighttime.

Ooh your MIL is bonkers! Newborns basically sleep, feed and poo don't they? Apart from nighttime where they sometimes like to be randomly awake for a few hours 😴 If it helps, my eldest was a really unpredictable sleeper at night until about 6 weeks old, and yes he slept pretty much all the time during the day. He then was sleeping through for 12/13 hours by the time he was 10 weeks old and yes he still was sleeping loads in the day! He was a sleepy snoozy baby, and I worried about him not being alert and awake enough but he's 10 now and is a fantastic little boy and very bright so it clearly made no difference that he slept his way through his first 5 or 6 months on planet earth! My next one came out 4.5 weeks premature but having read the text book, and would wake every 3 hours for a feed and about 10 mins of awake time then go back to sleep again, day and night. It took him much longer to sleep through the night but he got there eventually.

On the bath front, I did actually do a bedtime routine with a bath for my eldest from about 2 weeks old, I don't think it helped him sleep whatsoever but we both enjoyed it. Then I'd put his PJ's on and bring him back down to bobble about with us all evening. Subsequent children all had baths from brand new as it was just what we did at that time of the evening. They all loved and love water so it worked for us, but don't feel under any pressure from your MIL, just do things however you like to do them x

Your child = your rules. I am sure MIL would not have appreciated someone doing that with her children.

What a moron! Making the poor thing's head wobble!
Baths not at all needed or advised then, wouldn't let her belly button heal as it would constantly be getting wet.
Find all the information online about how bloody wrong she is about sleep, holding her and baths. Put in front of husband. Send screenshots to MIL.

Tell your mother in law to back off immediately. This is your child, she had her chance. And tell you husband if he doesn’t back you, he will also be toast. You are absolutely doing the right thing with sleeping and feeding. Awful woman! Wobbling a newborn’s head! Her head needs a good wobble.

Not being unreasonable at all. It’s YOUR baby and your sleep deprivation! Don’t let anyone undermine you or make out they know what’s best for you and your 2 week old. Well done for holding your ground so far. You’ve got this x

I was amazed if my little boy stayed awake for an hour at that age. They were both ridiculous

You’re being very easy on them there. Imo MIL was very wrong to wake a sleeping newborn against the mother’s wishes while she was on the toilet, then complain to her son when the baby was taken off her. Do you not think? The thread to my mind is about bullying OP and trying to take over, not about changing attitudes to newborn sleep.