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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For taking my baby away from MIL

429 replies

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 16:50

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

OP posts:
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8
ofasphodel · 16/04/2023 16:52

Not being unreasonable - babies at that age need about 18 hours sleep a day and will nap every couple of hours. You can't sleep train a 2 week old!

JMSA · 16/04/2023 16:52

Aww, you weren't being unreasonable at ALL. Please don't allow them to make you feel like you were Flowers
I'm 99% certain that everyone on here will agree with me!
Hope you're ok x

Maray1967 · 16/04/2023 16:54

You need to make him regret siding with his Dm over you - very quickly. This will not stop if you don’t. Ideally, he needs to hear how wrong she is from a midwife or HV .

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 16/04/2023 16:54

They’re beyond stupid - rest up when the baby is asleep and ignore them - better still get them to do some research.

Fansandblankets · 16/04/2023 16:54

No you weren’t being unreasonable. 2 week old babies sleep a lot obviously and wake a lot during the night. You could keep the baby awake all day and they’d still wake at night because they need to eat!

TheShellBeach · 16/04/2023 16:55

"Never wake a sleeping baby" is a pretty good maxim (as long as the baby is well and full term).
It's a great shame that your husband didn't stand up to his mother and support you. Navigating the early weeks of a baby's life is very difficult.
It sounds like you're doing a great job.

Miloticc · 16/04/2023 16:55

YANBU! Just 100% yanbu and well done for standing up for your DD and saying something. You should be super proud of yourself because it’s not easy.

I think she’s stuck with her generations advice and I’ve never understood why people don’t move on with the times. Some people get offended when you don’t do it exactly like they did, as if you’re somehow saying they parented wrong. It’s so strange and definitely not the norm!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/04/2023 16:56

You were utterly and completely reasonable, @firsttimemum990! Quite apart from any sleeping issues, your MIL was not supporting the baby’s head - at two weeks old, this is so important.

My own personal maxim is “Let sleeping babies lie” - when my dses were little, I valued their daytime naps so, so much - partly because 8 could get a rest then, and partly to get on with things round the house - if anyone had woken them up on purpose, I would have been very cross.

In my experience, if you keep,a baby awake during the day, you end up with a baby who is over tired and sleeps even worse that night.

Your MIL may have had different experiences with her children, and she is entitled to her own opinions - what she is NOT entitled to do is to ignore the baby’s actual mum!

Showerpowerer · 16/04/2023 16:56

That’s horrible, I would have done the same. It’s not just about this, it’s the lack of respect for you as the parent. She isn’t the parent and needs to respect your boundaries. This might be a long standing issue….weaning / sleep training / potty training I’m guessing will all have an opinion given to you too. Best of luck, stick to your guns!!

Hungryfrogs23 · 16/04/2023 16:57

Not unreasonable in the slightest. Absolutely ridiculous to suggest keeping a 2 week old baby awake is going to do anything other than make them massively overtired and grouchy and as you say, hamper their development.

It really pisses me off when MIL try to dictate how you parent. They had their chance (and let's face it, lots of us are dealing with the net result of their wonderful parenting of our DH's 🙄😂)

Stick to your guns or the unsolicited guilt trip advice will keep coming.

potatowhale · 16/04/2023 16:57

Blimey the cheek on her!!!! It is absolutely normal for babies to wake regularly through the night. For months!

Xjshdvf · 16/04/2023 16:57

You’ve given me flashbacks to constant discussions with my very lovely mil about how keeping a baby awake all day does not help them sleep at night and actually with mine just made their sleep worse

1FootInTheRave · 16/04/2023 16:57

Mil is an idiot.

35965a · 16/04/2023 16:59

Your husband and MIL are idiotic.

Holycow23x · 16/04/2023 16:59

I would be absolutely furious if this was my Mil. Babies sleep a lot, especially during the day. Under no circumstances do you ever wake a sleeping baby.

Keep her at arms length and don’t leave her alone with your beautiful baby!

and babies shouldn’t be getting bathed every night. We didn’t start bathing ours every night until after 12 weeks!

do what’s best for you!

PayNoAttentionToTheNastyLady · 16/04/2023 17:00

Of course a new baby needs to sleep a lot during the day! As for sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old - what?! Your MIL needs to keep her nose out, and your man should be supporting you.

Smilethoughyourheartisaching · 16/04/2023 17:00

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1FootInTheRave · 16/04/2023 17:00

Your stupid husband needs to pull his head out of his arse too.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/04/2023 17:02

I do hope that if ever MiL nods off in your company - at Xmas, for example - you poke her awake!

LovePoppy · 16/04/2023 17:02

Babies are basically nocturnal until 3-4 weeks.
Your MIL is an outsider to your family of three. Tell your husband to get on board or he will be too

LightDrizzle · 16/04/2023 17:02

The description of her little head wobbling about had my hand flying to my throat. No wonder you took her back pronto.

She’s taking utter rubbish too. Will your DH be around for any midwife or HV appointments? Share MIL’s theory with them.

jannier · 16/04/2023 17:02

Miloticc · 16/04/2023 16:55

YANBU! Just 100% yanbu and well done for standing up for your DD and saying something. You should be super proud of yourself because it’s not easy.

I think she’s stuck with her generations advice and I’ve never understood why people don’t move on with the times. Some people get offended when you don’t do it exactly like they did, as if you’re somehow saying they parented wrong. It’s so strange and definitely not the norm!

That's never been advice for any generation to keep a 2 week old awake.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 16/04/2023 17:03

They're a pair of complete idiots.

I suggest you refer your 'D'H to some parenting websites which explain the importance of sleep for newborns. He needs to realise the harm he's potentially allowing his mother to inflict. He then needs to have a serious word.

I'm interested to know what he meant by "outsider"? Do he and your MiL expect her to be involved in parenting decisions?

grannysmithspips · 16/04/2023 17:03

There is definitely a bit of an obsession with older ladies and " making a rod for your own back".

I remember my MIL telling me that her children just had to eat what she cooked and weren't allowed to be fussy - yes MIL you have 5 children and I have 1 - why would I deliberately cook something she doesn't like? I remember my dh saying I think my mum thinks we spoil dd - when dd had asked to taste dh's food in a restaurant- I told him she's allowed to think that but we'll do what we think is right.

Another friend was told by her mother not to pick her daughter up between feeds, or give her any feeds less than four hours apart - this was a breast fed baby. I remember my friend saying how could I have listened to my mum and let my baby cry.

In the end I used to just smile sweetly at "advice" given and to what felt right.

New mums are very vulnerable and should be boosted not talked down to. You should do whatever feels right OP - if you do "make a rod got your own back" so be it - you can deal with it later.

These early weeks are so special- your DH needs to support you.

Good luck x

mathanxiety · 16/04/2023 17:06

Make it plain to DH that you expect him to explicitly and consistently choose you or his mother.

Do not listen to your silly mother in law. She's completely wrong about babies' sleeping habits.