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AIBU?

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Original poster

For taking my baby away from MIL

429 replies

firsttimemum990 · 16/04/2023 16:50

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

OP posts:
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8
Iwasafool · 16/04/2023 17:31

mathanxiety · 16/04/2023 17:10

My exMIL boasted to me that she never once got up in the night to feed or attend to any of her babies. As far as she was concerned, she was going to get a full night's sleep regardless. That was back in the days when women spent two weeks in hospital after childbirth, and the babies were whisked off to the nursery overnight. She thought I was crazy to breastfeed and ordered me not to get up from my dinner to pick up little 2 day old DD when she started crying. I ignored her. ExH was mortified that I would defy his sainted mother.

When did women spend 2 weeks in hospital after having a baby? I had my first in the early 70s and a week was normal then. My mum had me in the early 50s, she didn't even get approved for a hospital delivery, she had a bedroom and running water so was classed as suitable for a home birth. They lived with my gran, 2 bedroom house with 5 adults, mum and dad had one bedroom, aunts had the other and gran slept on a sofa in the living room. The running water was a tap in the kitchen with the toilet at the top of the back yard. She desperately wanted a hospital delivery as it meant so much work for my gran but it wasn't deemed necessary.

Maybe the 60s?

diddl · 16/04/2023 17:31

"She was just trying to help."

OMFG!

These stupid men who won't support their wives.

How did you not tell him to fuck off?

So if he thinks that baby should stay awake in the day-how does he propose to do that?

Giletjaune · 16/04/2023 17:37

Babies have small stomachs. That’s why they wake up at night because they’re hungry!

Climbles · 16/04/2023 17:37

Why is his mother crazy opinion worth more than yours? You know the actual mother of the child and his wife. You have a DH problem. Your MIL can you give as much advice as she’s what she’s like, but you don’t have to listen to it and she certainly has no right to go behind your back and doing what she thinks anyway. Also, as this thread proves, she’s completely wrong anyway.

sadsack78 · 16/04/2023 17:37

Not being unreasonable at all.

I know women like this who feel the need to assert their dominance as the wiser, more experienced elder.

Sometimes this means that when you're doing things perfectly well they give you shit advice just so they feel like they're in charge.

Tandora · 16/04/2023 17:37

Your MIL and DH are ridiculous. 2 week old babies need to sleep for most of the time. I would be furious if someone deliberately woke by sleeping baby, especially newborn!

having said that, I’d def implement the bath suggestion as she gets a bit older. Bath is an excellent part of a sleep routine, and can help baby get relaxed and ready for bed. At 2 weeks you don’t need to worry about that though.

Mamamess · 16/04/2023 17:39

I just love their selected memories of raising children. My mum and mil are of the opinion all their dc slept through the night pretty much from the get go 🙄
is your dh for real he doesn’t believe babies develop during sleep? ! I think that’s the WHOLE POINT of sleep ! To develop repair grow ! 🤣🤣 there’s a great documentary on Netflix called babies and they do an experiment on growth and the babies were waking up taller than when they went to bed! It’s a really good watch. Congratulations enjoy the early weeks best you can! 😁 xxx

Mamapiggywig · 16/04/2023 17:39

Call the health visitor round and get her to talk your DH and MIL. At 2 weeks old they sleep all the time - show your DH this thread and tell him he should be supporting you and not his ridiculous mother who is actively trying to sabotage her grandchild’s well-being!

CombatBarbie · 16/04/2023 17:39

For one babies take time to differentiate between day and night (get mil to Google). Secondly, newborns usually sleep more than they are awake..... Its very tiring being born!

Georgyporky · 16/04/2023 17:42

Do what suits you & your lifestyle.
I used to keep DS awake in the evenings (much to DM's horror) because I needed to sleep at night to be ready for full-time work.

DHsPoorBack · 16/04/2023 17:42

Her behaviour was not acceptable.

However, are you whining to the end of the earth and making a bigger deal of getting no sleep to mil than the reality. It's quite odd for someone to try and "help" with a 2 week old waking in the night. Unless you've said something to make her think you really need help with that aspect. Are you telling her the baby stays awake all night?

Everyone knows newborns wake in the night. MIL knows this, it's not her first rodeo, whereas it is yours.

She's right about the bath. It's something to do with a warm temperature then a temperature drop making a child sleep.

The way she acted wasn't right. But something made her act like this. The fact her response to something was "that's not normal" suggests she's been told that there's an extreme situation. She wouldn't be saying that, and trying to help (albeit badly) if you'd said things as normally as you have on here.

Emmamoo89 · 16/04/2023 17:42

YADNBU X

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 17:43

I'm still fixed on her head flopping round! How the hell was she holding her?

Both she and your husband are terminally stupid. Please don't leave her alone with your baby again! All babies need to sleep in the day

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 16/04/2023 17:43

Oh lord, you have many more problems coming with a husband like that. I hope you're planning to go back to work?

viques · 16/04/2023 17:43

Not to mention that a sleeping baby during the day means you have half a chance to

go to the loo

change your clothes

drink a cup of tea

have a snooze

phone a friend

load the dishwasher

put a wash on

sit and gaze at your adorable baby

close your eyes

a napping baby is good for both of you, especially if they are napping in a pram or a Moses basket, most of the above are harder if they are Velcro.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 17:43

Georgyporky · 16/04/2023 17:42

Do what suits you & your lifestyle.
I used to keep DS awake in the evenings (much to DM's horror) because I needed to sleep at night to be ready for full-time work.

At 2 weeks old?

Notellinganyone · 16/04/2023 17:46

DHsPoorBack · 16/04/2023 17:42

Her behaviour was not acceptable.

However, are you whining to the end of the earth and making a bigger deal of getting no sleep to mil than the reality. It's quite odd for someone to try and "help" with a 2 week old waking in the night. Unless you've said something to make her think you really need help with that aspect. Are you telling her the baby stays awake all night?

Everyone knows newborns wake in the night. MIL knows this, it's not her first rodeo, whereas it is yours.

She's right about the bath. It's something to do with a warm temperature then a temperature drop making a child sleep.

The way she acted wasn't right. But something made her act like this. The fact her response to something was "that's not normal" suggests she's been told that there's an extreme situation. She wouldn't be saying that, and trying to help (albeit badly) if you'd said things as normally as you have on here.

Really?

TeaAndTwoSugars · 16/04/2023 17:47

Babies 3 months and under sleep lots during the day unfortunately and need to awaken at least every 4 hours to feed.
Your MIL concerns me especially with the baby flopping her around, waking your baby up won't help them sleep at night if anything the opposite as they will be overtired and grouchy.
The advice sleep when the baby sleeps is very accurate, it will be a while until you get a solid night's sleep (sorry).

Georgyporky · 16/04/2023 17:48

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 17:43

At 2 weeks old?

Show quote history

Maybe 3-4 weeks. Getting ready for return to work at 6 weeks.
BTW, it worked.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/04/2023 17:48

Don't follow MiLs advice - you'll end up with a twat like your husband.

Cakechoccustard · 16/04/2023 17:48

What have I just read?

Your husband and mil sound at best, completely stupid and at worst plain nasty and dangerous.

It's quite worrying that your husband is taking her side and the baby is only 2 weeks old.

Of course it's normal for the baby to nap in the day and wake up at night. The best thing you can do is to try to get some sleep during the day.

violetskypurple · 16/04/2023 17:49

MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal"

MIL is an idiot, a 2 week old doesn't even know the difference between day and night yet. They sleep when they need to sleep. YANBU.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/04/2023 17:49

Georgyporky · 16/04/2023 17:48

Maybe 3-4 weeks. Getting ready for return to work at 6 weeks.
BTW, it worked.

Show quote history

Bit odd that they didn't wake for milk.

EsmeSusanOgg · 16/04/2023 17:49

Miloticc · 16/04/2023 17:09

Oh sorry, I was told by quite a few people in my DM’s generation to keep my DC awake until bedtime, I didn’t mean to assume I’ve just honestly heard it a lot

Show quote history

My parents are in their 70s and they have never heard this advice. Certainly not for 2 week olds.

I did hear a good phrase 'Gramnesia' where older relatives blur advice and memories from when their babies were little all together. So you'll be told 'do X and Y, I did' as advice for a 2 week old .. when they didn't actually do that until the baby was 4 or 5 months old.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 16/04/2023 17:50

Things have changed a lot since your MIL had her D.C. and there has been a lot of research, which I doubt she's read any of.

What reading up has DH done before coming to his opinion, or is he just taking his DM's word over yours, the Mother of his DC?

I would be beyond fucking cross with the pair of them