For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

How old is your MIL?

And don’t ever leave the baby alone with MIL! No matter what you say she’ll be putting your baby down on its front - she won’t listen and I guarantee you’ll come back to see she’s endangered her somehow.

Lots to unpack here.

You have a 2 week old so everything is new. You and your baby will find your own routines and it will settle down.

Your MIL is only trying to help but she does need to respect your decisions -as does your dh. Tell him how you feel and let him know that you two are a team in this. Your MIL is an 'outsider' in that her opinion isn't as important as yours.

BUT while you can't sleep train a 2 week old, you definitely can let others look after her (even MIL!) so that you can rest up and look after your self?

look after yourself - these days are tough x

She is quite youngish (47) as she had DH in her teens.

Will also add that MIL is from another country, so potentially some cultural differences at play here.

Never leave her alone with your DD. She’s an idiot, but also has no interest in listening to you and knows FA about babies, breastfeeding, sleep, common sense…

At two weeks, DS slept 22 hours out of 24. Obviously those two hours were spread out into tiny annoying intervals for feeds and nappies so I was not well rested, but the important thing is that he was! I’d have murdered my MIL had she done this. Also he still doesn’t get a bath at four months in his evening routine because he’s knackered by then; it doesn’t settle them if they’re tired and want to feed!

Im sorry you’ve been put in that position. Good on you for taking baby back. Keep putting your foot down when she approaches your boundaries. Tell your DH to educate himself and to support his wife.

I’d go ballistic if it were me…
not unreasonable at all! Babies sleep through the night when they sleep through the night and 2 weeks old is waaaay too little to be put on any kind of schedule or for ‘keeping awake’.

ask MIL for her baby sleep consultant credentials. On a more practical note, I’d say “I’m sorry, the way we do things may not agree with you but it is our baby. We will listen to your advice but will chose what we deem the best for our child.” (I will always include DH even if he didn’t proactively volunteer as a tribute). Followed by I’d really appreciate if you didn’t speak to me in that tone.

It’s been a while since I had newborns, but your MIL obviously did not heed the advice that worked for me 30 odd years ago: Babies need a ‘go with the flow hippy’ for the first 6 months and sergeant major from then on when it comes to sleep routines!
Congratulations by the way, and you really, really do know what is best for you and your baby.

As someone who was a Mum (to 2 DC) in the 1970's I take a bit of exception to this generalised statement. I am well aware that advice over the generations changes - and has always changed. I have never dreamed of suggesting to either my daughter or my DIL when they had my grandchildren how they should be dealing with them as newborns or at any other stage because I know recommendations are different these days. I have always ASKED them how they wanted things handled, if I didn't already know

In any case, the MIL in this case is still in her 40's - so not a 70's Mum!! Reality is that some people, whatever their age and whatever their experiences were are just totally indifferent to the wishes of others and like to think they know better than others - even when they don't. So please don't tar us all with the same brush. it's the type of person someone is, rather than when they had their babies

Waking a baby when they want to sleep is far more likely to make her overtired and therefore cause her to be harder to settle and wake more often. At two weeks old your dd will only manage wake periods of around 30 mins between naps and that is completely normal.
Op you sound like you know what you’re doing to me, ignore your mil and tell your dh that he if he thinks it’s okay to follow outdated advice then he needs to think again and do his own research so he knows as well as you do what your baby needs, I’d suggest sending him a link to the Lullaby Trust dad zone https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/dads-zone/

🙄 Send her this. Get DH to watch it as well

No you are nbu your mil is! Tell her research and the things we know have been updated since she had babies!

YANBU ridiculous woman.

I have a 10 month old and he has only just started consistently sleeping for most of the night (of course every baby is different!) but at two weeks old, he slept on me basically all day, woke up for nappy changes and to breastfeed, gazed at me and his dad for a little while and dozed off again. We camped out on the sofa and watched TV and ate biscuits! For weeks.

As everyone else has said, it's completely normal. When my baby was about 3 months and still not sleeping through the night, a lot of people tried to convince me to combi feed him so he'd sleep longer. I just nodded and smiled and ignored them completely. You'll get into your own routine in time. Your husband should have your back on this though. Enjoy your new baby!

He sounds awful as does your MIL.

Have a bag packed so you can leave and go to your mother if this continues.

Do not be bullied.

Make sure you return to work.

Mummy's boy are awful to be married to.

So unattractive.

Protect yourself and your baby from their combined stupidity.

His mother is an idiot it's from about 3 months I think you can start introducing them to the concept of day & night. Low stimulation at night lights off, quiet voices. Day time keep things quite loud 2 weeks old it's perfectly normal to have no sleeping pattern whatsoever.

Tell her to fuck off in her own language so there can be no misunderstanding!

Really, you're the mum and protector of your baby, congratulations.

She is a prat. Babies sleep 16-18 hours a day. At around 3 months it drops to around 12-15 hours a day. Sleep is good for development and sleep breeds sleep. An overtired baby is likely to be irritable and fractious.

Your DH is also wrong. While MIL is the baby's grandmother and not an outsider you as the xhilds patent should be able to patent as you see fit. If he wants to disagree then he needs to educate himself in order to make informed parenting decisions rather than parrot mummy's nonsense.

Your MIL is younger than I am.

The wobbling head thing made me shudder, and your husband should have your back. If you don't want to wake your baby up, then he's got to fall into line, whether he likes it or not.

However: do bear in mind that all the mothers who have small babies now are all saying the same thing, as if it is the only God-given truth about how to look after babies. My babies are now adults, and my friends and I all did the "right thing" - which was pooh-poohed by my own mum as being new-fangled nonsense (apart from putting them to sleep on their backs, which she more or less claimed she had invented ).

When your babies have babies, you'll still be thinking that everything you're saying now is the best and only way to do it, but things will have changed again in 20-30 years' time. So you can't always absolutely assume that your MIL (or your own mum for that matter) are talking crap, because sometimes they will actually be telling you something that is useful and that worked for them.

I did have my babies in a routine more or less from the outset, though that's regarded as very outdated now. We didn't co-sleep, either. I am exceptionally close to them all despite all of this, and didn't have many broken nights, either, when they were little.

I agree with this tbh. Your mil was plain wrong on every level and your dh was wrong in that he clearly knows fuck all about newborns' sleep and fuck all about how to be a decent husband to a woman who has just given birth.

Don't tolerate this.

It is upsetting to think of someone sleeptraining a 2 week old (and I did sleep train when they were older). horrible.

You’re clearly very capable and in tune with your baby. You did exactly the right thing, you were far more measured than I’d have been. I’ve got a similar aged baby and I’m not sure I wouldn’t have smacked her.

Have a very serious word with your husband and make it clear how out of order they’ve BOTH been and how it won’t be happening again.

This is absolutely ridiculous of her and newborn babies are designed to feed a lot during the night. Their body clocks are actually set up I'm that way at the start, sounds like you're doing the perfect thing

2 week old babies basically sleep all day. with respect to wake time, at 1 month, you can expect them to manage about 45 mins, then add 15 mins per month after that. Any more and they’ll be very overtired and harder to get to sleep. Totally ignore, and tell your DH to do some research/ go on a course.

Of course MIL was unreasonable and of course your DH is too.

But there's also an early lesson in this which is don't complain. If you don't want unsolicited advice, then you need to practice your 'everything's fine thanks' response. Neither of the Mum's on my end are/were this unreasonable but I don't like unsolicited advice so I chose to not complain, discuss, moan etc at all to either of them. Now if I wanted advice I'd ask but only if I was prepared to listen to it. Don't invite it in by sharing. Same for friends, other family etc. The minute you start my baby doesn't X - everyone comes out the woodwork with their 'let me fix all your problems' advice and most of it is crap.

With your DH - you say - I'm the mother NOW. You don't like it, go home back to your Mummy. Or do I need to call my father so he can give you advice on how to be a husband.