For taking my baby away from MIL

[firsttimemum990]

My DD is 2 weeks old. She's a terrible sleeper at night (as are most newborns from my understanding), and as a result, I've only been getting a few hours sleep at night. DD tends to sleep quite a lot throughout the day. MIL has basically blamed me for this and says that I need to keep DD awake in the day so that she sleeps at night, as it's not "normal". She's also suggested that I give her a bath every evening as this will "settle her" and "make her sleep through the night". I have been ignoring her advice so far, as I know that it is completely normal for newborns to wake during the night (especially since I BF and DD cluster feeds), and giving them a bath in the evening is unlikely to make any difference.

She visited yesterday, and of course, DD was asleep. I went to use the toilet shortly after she arrived, and on my return, saw that MIL had woken DD up and was lifting her in the air and telling her to "wake up". DD, who was obviously still tired, could barely keep her eyes open and her head was flopping all over the place as she was still half asleep. I immediately went over and took DD from her and told her it's perfectly normal for DD to be sleeping during the day and I don't want her woken up. She made a comment along the lines of "well don't moan at me when you're up all night"

DH is now angry with me as he thinks MIL was "just trying to help" and is now of the opinion that we should be keeping DD awake in the day. He's also accused me of treating her like an "outsider". They are making me feel unreasonable for wanting to just let my baby sleep. I am not going to spend my day waking up my newborn every time she falls asleep. I also read sleep is good for babies development, which I've told DH, but he thinks I'm talking rubbish.

Surely I wasn't being unreasonable for taking the baby from her?! I didn't think I was being unreasonable but I think I've let them get to my head!

I bet I'm older than MiL and I don't remember any of that 'advice'

I can see that she was trying to help, that it made sense to her, that you can’t moan to her if you won’t let her ‘help’, but really, unless there are very exceptional circumstances like parents trying to feed two week olds a Frey bentos pie or something, everyone else just needs to back the fuck off and let the parents get on with the parenting.

You were very reasonable. I suspect I would not have been so polite in my response.
Mine basically slept all day at that age, only waking for feeds, completely normal.

Congratulations on your new baby, OP!! I bet she’s beautiful. 😍

Your MIL is wrong, as we all know. She’ll always be wrong but you won’t always feel so worked up about it. You’re an exhausted new mum and everything is level 10 intensity right now. Try to put it out of your mind and enjoy this time because it goes very fast.

The “advice” she is spouting has never been accurate advice. Your MIL perhaps likes to be at the centre of things and her behaviour is doing just that. Some people spin out when new babies take all the limelight and behave in very funny ways.

Focus on what matters. Lots of love.xxx

Newborns sleep a lot and do wake at night to feed. I never woke my babies up when they were sleeping with the exception of my middle child who I was told to wake every 3 hours to feed him by the paediatrician. I wouldn't have been happy if someone did what your MIL did either. However I did find with all 3 of my babies baths at night helped them start to associate night from day from a young age.

This.

My MIL told me to feed baby rice from 9 weeks just like she did. Guess what, I totally ignored this and the other nonsense she spouted!

Babies need sleep it’s literally how they increase mass, stimulate brain development. Sleep is essential
Your mil needed to take her cue from you,your parental preference
Your dh should have supported you, not made this all about his mum. Do address this with him, your his priority

@Iwasafool mothers spent 2 weeks in hospital after giving birth in the 1950s, by the time I was born 6 years after my brother that had been whittled down to 10 days. I'm not sure that was standard over the whole country but it was where I was born.

2 weeks post birth & your husband is angry with you because you didn't agree with his mum.

He should still be doing just about everything so that you can rest up to recover from the birth & just concentrate on bfeeding!

Pair of bloody bullies.

You definitely can’t sleep train a 2 week old but eventually you will have to try and keep them awake longer through the day but not for another week or so when they start becoming more aware of the world around them. I always did a bath every evening and get a routine going - which is a little more achievable.

Your MIL sounds awful but nowhere near as bad as your husband.

Good idea to ask a professional to at least correct your H.

Your MIL sounds like a vicious old bat. Your H is a total shit for not supporting you.

You 100% did the right thing. You MIL was being very unreasonable doing that. I actually found with my little one that sleep breeds sleep so let that kiddo sleep. Hope you're doing okay. The first few weeks are hard going. X

YANBU.

Tell DH to wise up.

Also I think sometimes mothers and mothers in law forget that you’re still in the 4th trimester period and it’s 100% survival mode and she was definitely out of line.

In my experience newborns only wake up to be fed or for a nappy change.
so basically eat, change, sleep, repeat repeat repeat until a few weeks have passed and they begin to interact a little at a time.
No one ever told me to wake a sleeping baby. I would have been furious at anyone else disturbing them too.
Op you need to recover from the pregnancy and the birth so need all the rest you can get, ignore your Mil.

You aren’t being unreasonable, and make sure your DH realises this and backs you up. Give him some literature to read. Waking up someone else’s sleeping baby (and not supporting their head) is not on at all.

Get him to explain briefly to MIL what approach you are taking and remind her that new mothers are exhausted and do not need criticism or aggressive intervention.

Don’t back yourself into a no routine vs routine corner, because later on you might want to get into one (it does often make life easier - although your MIL is misremembering how early she got one going).

I don't think she was entirely wrong, having a bath and establishing that night is night isn't necessarily a bad thing. for me as much as DC!
My MIL blamed bf for my DC not having a routine. Just smile, nod and ignore.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable, and it sounds like you have a DH problem as he should be supporting you, not listening to his Mother over you

My daughter will be 50 this year and she was my first. She was only a 6lb baby, but in spite of that, she didn't want the 10pm feed ( we were encouraged to feed them then on a 4 hour schedule) but she DID want the 2pm feed, both right from when she came home from the hospital at 6 days old.

Naturally I did try to wake her for the 10pm feed so that she would sleep through the 2am one instead. In my mind if she was happy to miss one of the feeds it would be helpful if it was the one in the middle of the night! Didn't work!! I tried for 2 or 3 weeks and then gave up. She wasn't interested in much food at 10pm - and still woke around 2am. I just had extra sleep in the evening after I had fed her around 7pm. She then had another feed around 6am.

She went right through the night when she was ready - and I was incredibly, incredibly lucky that she was 6 weeks and 3 days old the first time she decided she didn't want the 2 am feed - but the point is, newborn babies need their sleep and their feeds when their bodies tell them and your DH and your MIL are being very unreasonable

Your DH is being batshit. Give him some authoritative guidance on how much sleep babies need and point out that constantly waking your baby during the daytime (a) would be actively cruel and (b) would not make her sleep any better at night.

This.

Your husband sounds awful - he needs to read modern parenting literature and not just rely on his mother to help with his share of the parenting. Parenting advice is constantly changing with different research - my nephew is 7 years older that my child and his parents were given some very different advice to me on things like swaddling.

I had issues with breastfeeding and my child had jaundice so had a lot of assistance from nurses and daily health visits in the first two weeks at home which was good in terms of getting basic tips and advice. The nurses and HV’s said to feed on demand and sleep when the baby sleeps - day or night. It is completely normal to be sleep deprived - that stage is mostly a blur to me - and it is perfectly okay to moan about it even if most parents go through it - it’s very bloody hard and it is normal to feel overwhelmed.

The HV and nurses said to absolutely not sleep train a baby before 6 months or train them in anyway! A newborn works entirely on their needs - if they sleep they need sleep, if they cry for food they need food - they are very simple creatures so our job is just to listen to them and meet their needs.

I was told to only wash a young baby every few days as they don’t get that dirty and it can mess with the natural oils of their skin. They also said only use water on newborns - no baby wash at that age.

I got a lot of antiquated advice from my own mum (and other relatives) who was a bit offended and had a few strops that I didn’t take her advice on board (lots of “well you turned out okay” comments). Your MIL is like a lot of other grand parents wanting to be involved and finding it hard to take a back seat (minus the flopping head - that freaked me out) but your husband needs to be on your side and not question you.

For crying out loud, they are being completely unreasonable and your DH is wrong not to support you. Send them some basic information about newborns.

You're right, but even if you weren't, your husband and MIL need to jolly well respect your wishes.

Please don't be me - make it very clear that there will be no contact unless she can toe the line. I wanted to, but didn't, and regret it!