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Original poster

Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

495 replies

Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:12

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

OP posts:
Itakecreaminmycoffee · 16/04/2023 20:59

Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:45

When I approached her at Easter parade her DH was with her and said nothing. Maybe he is used to her being like this.
I didn’t even go to church this morning and everyone goes to church here as it is a lovely social meet up with coffee afterwards. I just didn’t want to see her and her to say anything. I think I need to get my big girl pants on and just get on with it and hope it fizzle out.

Stop letting this unhinged woman stop you from going about your normal business - that's ridiculous. For all you know she has some sort of mh issues and I'm sure other people will start to realise this. If a new resident was going around badmouthing someone else (especially someone who had already been living in the village a while) I would think they were a shit-stirrer and avoid them completely.

It all sounds like something from a bad movie!

StressedToTheMaxxx · 16/04/2023 21:08

Approach her with a school photo, tell her the year that you went to school and tell her she has you mistaken for someone else. Tell her she stops her harassment of you and your family now or you'll make sure everyone knows that she's nuts. Tell her you don't care what issues she has, it stops and it stops now.

Hellybelly84 · 16/04/2023 21:08

Live your life as normal and just keep repeating you dont know her. She is either unhinged or deeply affected by something that has happened in her past. She has no right to ever shout at your 11 year old.

I dont normally believe in sharing personal stuff like this on social media, but if you are worried about everyone in the village believing her, I would probably put it out there on my social media to clear things up.

IncompleteSenten · 16/04/2023 21:09

In my village, ignoring it would be the absolute worst thing you could do. Even more so now she's made a scene bawling her head off.
Tears get sympathy. Sympathy turns into believing.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 16/04/2023 21:19

StressedToTheMaxxx · 16/04/2023 21:08

Approach her with a school photo, tell her the year that you went to school and tell her she has you mistaken for someone else. Tell her she stops her harassment of you and your family now or you'll make sure everyone knows that she's nuts. Tell her you don't care what issues she has, it stops and it stops now.

I agree with this.

ModestMoon · 16/04/2023 21:22

I once had a woman turn to me in a park, actually full on scream, and shout "Amy?? Amy is that you???" I said no, and she wouldn't have it. Eventually did persuade her - I think my nonlocal accent did it - and she walked away loudly saying "oh my god I've seen a ghost oh my god". It was weird because I genuinely could not tell if she was a normal woman who had honestly just received a big shock (If Amy is actually no longer alive) or if she was just a bit mad / high. Mysteries.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 21:25

Getupat8amnow · 16/04/2023 19:14

I was the subject of a case of mistaken identity years ago. I was working at my job when a new client came in, saw me and literally burst into tears and asked my colleague if she could see our boss. My colleague and I were perplexed at the new clients emotional behaviour. The client spoke to my boss in her office then left and I was then called to a meeting by my boss.

The new client had told my boss that four years before while she had been pregnant with her child I had been in her company at some social event and I had made terrible remarks to her about her body. It had taken her weeks to get over it and she had never forgotten my face and as soon as she laid eyes on me she recognised me. She had been about to start a professional client relationship with my firm but was reconsidering as I was employed there.

The thing was, I had never met this woman before in my life, had not been to the type of social event described (related to a sport) and anyone who knows me would know I would never behave or say the things she attributed to me. I was devastated as it was literally my word against hers and she was adamant it was me. She did end up working in partnership with my firm on the understanding that I had nothing to do with her account or interacted with her in any way.

After eight months of this and still no resolution of her realising she had mistaken me for someone else I inadvertently found myself sat at a table with her, my boss and the woman’s husband. I actually think my boss engineered it. So there I was and I thought to myself that I’d had enough of this as my reputation was in danger of being/had been damaged so I started to explain to her very politely that she had mixed me up with someone else. She listened to what I said then said she didn’t want to discuss it. At that point her husband said, “We know”. They then left. I was stunned, she had clearly realised at some point in the preceding eight months that she had been wrong but instead of putting the record straight had just kept quiet and allowed people to think I had been aggressive and unkind to her years before. My boss was supportive but I will be honest with you all, it was a horrible time and I left soon afterwards.

How awful for you

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 16/04/2023 21:26

Sorry if this has been mentioned - but you said you are avoiding church. Does this lady also attend the same church?

would a quiet word with the priest/minister/pastor help? he/she could speak to the woman calmly explaining there has been a mix up

FallopianTubeTrain · 16/04/2023 21:31

IncompleteSenten · 16/04/2023 21:09

In my village, ignoring it would be the absolute worst thing you could do. Even more so now she's made a scene bawling her head off.
Tears get sympathy. Sympathy turns into believing.

In my village nothing is so mistrusted and generally frowned upon as newcomers 😄.

If OP has lived in the village for years and is embedded to the point of the vicar calling her when she doesn't turn up for church, then frankly she could smack the woman round the face with a whole salmon at the village fete and deny it happened and nobody would even consider taking the new woman's side.

She sounds nuts OP. Mention it in passing as funny anecdote to the village gossip next Sunday and job done.

Otherwise, just steer clear of the woman.

saraclara · 16/04/2023 21:44

Stripedbag101 · 16/04/2023 21:26

Sorry if this has been mentioned - but you said you are avoiding church. Does this lady also attend the same church?

would a quiet word with the priest/minister/pastor help? he/she could speak to the woman calmly explaining there has been a mix up

She has. Read her posts.

Stripedbag101 · 16/04/2023 21:49

Sorry missed that! You are quite the charmer 🥰

ShandaLear · 16/04/2023 21:50

Tangelablue · 16/04/2023 16:21

I really don't think you need to prove yourself. I wouldn't approach her, if anyone mentions something she has said about u, just reply "yeah it's strange isn't it, we went to different schools in different towns but she is convinced we went to school together. I must have a doppelganger". Don't make any changes to your routine, just ignore her.

This. Don’t escalate it, don’t give it oxygen, and definitely don’t go round with flowers, wine, chocolates or whatever. You have don’t nothing wrong, and nothing for which you need to explain or apologise. And certainly don’t alter your routine. You have nothing to hide. If it comes to it just keep explaining it’s a case of mistaken identity and you went to different schools and she’s 4 years older anyway so would hardly be likely to know you.

ShitFacedOnRetsina · 16/04/2023 21:56

Even in the event you WERE her bully at school, her behaviour is batshit.

Remember this fact.

She's probably a piss head or needs her meds adjusting. The upside of village life is that everyone and the vicars koi carp will know she's mad as tartan toast and the exact reason why as villagers know about every fart that flies so stop worrying.

I've lived in a village since 1996 but on the outskirts. I have never entered into village life even in the tiniest way. Every now and again a bit of gossip reaches my ears as to what I am supposed to have done or not done etc. I couldn't give the tiniest shit. I am planning my escape now though.

1Week · 16/04/2023 21:58

The advice to carry on as normal and if anyone asks just say she's mistaken, is the right way to go about this.
People know you and they don't know her. Your word carries more weight here.

Invadersmustdie · 16/04/2023 22:01

Agree with some posters that you need to tackle it head on. You definitely shouldn't be missing church. If anyone asks or if she causes a scene you just need to look confused and say you have never crossed paths, 4 years difference etc and you are worried for her mental health as she is delusional. If she is a proper lunatic, and it sounds like she is, then it will all come out in the wash sooner rather than later anyway.

eish · 16/04/2023 22:04

I think you will be fine, just keep up with the truth. She will show her crazy colours elsewhere soon. As you say, mud sticks and it will impact her too. Others know you .

UpsyDaisy352 · 16/04/2023 22:15

Honestly, I’d go up to her at the next public event and say “I’m so sorry, I actually do recognize you!! You’re the one at my school who had that… bathroom accident.”

She’d probably drop the subject after that.

begoneday · 16/04/2023 22:19

This is why people are wary of living in villages. I’d avoid her at all costs and wait patiently for the next village drama to unfold when they’ll all have something new to gossip about.

Dinopawus · 16/04/2023 22:33

Stuff wine & flowers. In our village the best strategy would be to ask what I should do from my friend who works in the Post Office, knowing the community shop volunteers would be listening in. The volunteers are also the parish council (it’s very dibleyesque) so word would get round.

AC12 have nothing on the interrogation techniques of the parish ladies. Newcomer will be busted in no time.

sonjadog · 16/04/2023 22:43

I think I would mention your concern about this and her mistaken identity to a few choice people in the village. Just so the word gets around that she is wrong... She is obviously not quite mentally stable, so this will not be the only odd thing that she does and she will get a reputation.

Bk1000 · 16/04/2023 22:54

Not really got anything helpful to say other then are you sure you didn’t go to school with her? I had someone move into my street quite a distance from where i grew up who approached me and implied we had actually been friends at school and I had no recollection of her at all which was really awkward. I asked some school friends I’m still in touch with and one of them eventually found out from someone else that she had been in the year above me at school and I think we occasionally spent time in the same group of friends but I didn’t remember her at all! She had slightly changed her first name (shortened it to make another name)and got married so her name didn’t ring any bells either.

She told people on my street I lied about not knowing her which made me seem like I had something to hide and people were off with me after that!

AAAAABBBBBCCCCC · 16/04/2023 22:54

Get the priest to do a service on Mistaken Identity. I'm sure he could put a biblical twist on it.

2bazookas · 16/04/2023 23:11

No,just leave it well alone and stay out of range. She probably has some MH problem which will soon become apparent to the village in other ways.

Snazzysausage · 16/04/2023 23:21

It certainly is the weirdest thing though when someone is convinced you're someone else. I once worked in a video library (early 1980s) and I had a customer tell me he'd seen my film - a porn movie. He just wouldn't believe it wasn't me. He kept mentioning it until it escalated over time to him telling other customers who were in the store about "my starring role" 😳 it only stopped when a family member took him to one side and told him in no uncertain terms it wasn't me,end of. Even after that and he stopped coming in, I had another customer sidle up to me one day and ask if I knew the title of the film he'd been referring to and did I know where he could get hold of a copy! Horrible when someone is so adamant no matter what you say.

YouOKHun · 16/04/2023 23:26

If she’s genuinely not well paying her a visit and trying to convince her will be a waste of time. Without doubt, if they haven’t already worked it out, your village community will cotton on pretty quickly, especially as they’ve known you a long time.

In your shoes @Highfivemum I would definitely continue to take part in all the usual things in the village. Don’t change anything to avoid her. I would also make sure if asked about it (and probably even if I’m not asked about it) that I make people aware of what she’s saying, not in an unpleasant way but I would say something along the lines of “I met X and it was a bit awkward because she’s convinced she knows me from school but she’s got it wrong and I’ve never set eyes on her and went to a totally different school. I’m sure she will realise eventually”. Shrug of the shoulders and move the conversation on.

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