Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

[Highfivemum]

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

if other locals ask I think you should say, “Honestly, It’s so weird, I’m trying to work out if she’s just confused or really vulnerable and I don’t know if I can or should do anything about it!”

That.

The last thing I normally would have done is get my late husband to sort anything out for me. But in this case (assuming this situation doesn't die) I think it IS a reasonable idea for OP's DH to talk to her DH, in a calm and concerned kind of way.
It's absolutely clear that there's no way that OP trying to interact with this woman again is going to end well. Whereas if her husband is put straight with some clear information about where OP went to school, there's half a chance that she'll actually accept him telling her. And it's always possible that her DH will be able to shed some light on her behaviour.

I couldn't be arsed with all this. I would warn her (and her husband) that if anything defamatory was said about me at all I would be taking legal action and, as I knew I wasn't the person she thought I was, I would be able to prove she was in the wrong.

Thank you for taking time to comment. I had a call from my vicar earlier. Was all ok. He is lovely and I mentioned briefly about what happened. He assured me he had heard nothing and assured me I must just carry on and not let it affect me. He said what a lot of u lovely ladies have said. People know me in the village and what I am like etc.
my DH was at school with me ( we met aged 4 at school ) and so knows for a fact that she has got it so wrong.

You could do a wanted poster for the village noticeboard.

Use a picture of yourself with bold red letters, 'LOOKS A BIT LIKE THIS WOMAN BUT ISN'T'

'WANTED FOR UNSPECIFIED OFFENCE GIVEN TO XXXX. WENT TO SUCH & SUCH A SCHOOL AROUND DDMMYY'

'REWARD FOR SUCCESSFUL IDENTIFICATION '

I take back everything I said. Do this.

omg. How awful

Oooh you can tell who has experience of village life and who doesn't here!

Do NOT go round or write her a letter - if you do either, then it will be 'she came to my house to harrass me' and 'she wrote me a nasty poisonous letter full of lies'...

Then the drama will be her twisting things you have actually done, and it becomes harder to refute anything as it muddies the waters.

Go to the things you go to, talk to the people you normally talk to, I'd be in the pub, often and IF anything is raised...and if she is batshit then chances are she will come in, throw drama and run off and people will ask 'wtf?'...

THEN you can say 'not a clue, she appears to think I am someone from her year at school, but I went to a totally different school, different location, different year, so she's clearly mistaken'...

And that will get round the village fast because 'new woman is being weird about Highfivemum and making up stories' is exciting weirdery!

If she has just made a mistake and realises it, she will belt up and behave and not mention it again out of embarrassment and things will all go back to normal relatively quickly.

If she IS batshit and persists, then the village will spot this quite quickly as long as you leave her to dig her own hole!

I was the subject of a case of mistaken identity years ago. I was working at my job when a new client came in, saw me and literally burst into tears and asked my colleague if she could see our boss. My colleague and I were perplexed at the new clients emotional behaviour. The client spoke to my boss in her office then left and I was then called to a meeting by my boss.

The new client had told my boss that four years before while she had been pregnant with her child I had been in her company at some social event and I had made terrible remarks to her about her body. It had taken her weeks to get over it and she had never forgotten my face and as soon as she laid eyes on me she recognised me. She had been about to start a professional client relationship with my firm but was reconsidering as I was employed there.

The thing was, I had never met this woman before in my life, had not been to the type of social event described (related to a sport) and anyone who knows me would know I would never behave or say the things she attributed to me. I was devastated as it was literally my word against hers and she was adamant it was me. She did end up working in partnership with my firm on the understanding that I had nothing to do with her account or interacted with her in any way.

After eight months of this and still no resolution of her realising she had mistaken me for someone else I inadvertently found myself sat at a table with her, my boss and the woman’s husband. I actually think my boss engineered it. So there I was and I thought to myself that I’d had enough of this as my reputation was in danger of being/had been damaged so I started to explain to her very politely that she had mixed me up with someone else. She listened to what I said then said she didn’t want to discuss it. At that point her husband said, “We know”. They then left. I was stunned, she had clearly realised at some point in the preceding eight months that she had been wrong but instead of putting the record straight had just kept quiet and allowed people to think I had been aggressive and unkind to her years before. My boss was supportive but I will be honest with you all, it was a horrible time and I left soon afterwards.

Agree with WarmBeerAndSandwiches. The only way with people defaming you or your family to shut them up is firstly, get community police to talk to this woman. Secondly if it carries on a solicitor's letter or court. Verbal harassment is a criminal offence if it is distressing you and your family. This type of person has mental issues which are being projected onto you. It can cause endless problems. These people have often moved to new areas to start again on their unsuspecting neighbours. Most people are nice, and we never had any bother until....

Oh op. Can you see her with your DP? Bring your phone just in case. This is why I’d never want to live in as village again. Too many nosey saddos wanting to start shit. Tell your DC they did nothing wrong.

"My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all"

Really?

This ^

Or just ignore.

I had something similar happen in the small village I live in. I ignored and took moral high ground, carrying on as normal and it ultimately fizzled out. Tricky in the short term but the right move to take for me at the time.

I'm not saying send him over there or anything, but if your DH is happy to have a chat with her DH, it's not the worst idea in the world for him to do so if they run into each other.

And fyi because people seem to be taking exception to this idea: it's not that I think 'oh the menfolk will sort it out', it's just that he's the most obvious third party to attempt to clear things up. It clearly isn't going to work if OP and this woman try to speak again.

I'm really pleased to hear the vicar got in touch and you've spoken to him. Hopefully this won't go on for too long. 💐

Oh my god this is awful!!

Has anyone ever actually gone uninvited and unannounced to the house of someone who's haranguing them with wine, flowers or biscuits to have a lovely and constructive discussion with them? In actual real life? Because it was what they were of a mind to do and thought it would be a good idea?

I know someone who eats massive salads, looks 20 years younger and who has a 6'6" DH earning seven figures who does 50% of all childcare and housework will say yes, but...anyone?

That must have been awful @Somersetgirl1. Did anyone believe her

I would rather stick live wasps up my arse than go uninvited and bearing gifts to the home of somebody who was already spreading lies about me. The only possible consequence would be to up the insanity.

Yes he offered. Not because I am not capable but I had tried to reason with her and got no where and my DH was at school with me so knows it is the truth so could say this.
I told him no as to be honest I didn’t want to cause anymore issues

If she doesn't believe you, why would she believe him?

@TooBigForMyBoots I have no idea. My worry, at the time was that 'local people' so to speak know everyone, their sibling, parents, what they were like at school, work etc etc and so it unnerves them a bit when they don't know your background apart from what you chose to tell them. I did think about conversing with people and suggesting that I don't think she was ever offered help with changing id and reconstructive surgery etc, but then I thought I could appear to 'know a bit too much!!!!' plus I didn't really know anyone. I did once joke to a couple of neighbours that if I had reconstructive surgery I would expect to come out of it looking like a 20 year old Sophia Loren's identical twin rather than someone older, fatter and shorter...........but I had bought a house there which needed renovating, so \I had to stick it out. By the time I left I knew that Everyone was aware that she was an extremely heavy drinker and I don't think people took anything she said overly seriously

I was going to ask if the vicar could help. If she really thinks you're someone else or whatever. Does she have form?

Don’t pull back from normal things you do as that makes it seem like you’ve done something wrong when clearly you haven’t. Proactively but briefly and calmly tell people how she thinks she knows you but you’ve never seen her before and you’re a bit worried by her behaviour.

This WOULD be feeding into the drama!! Going round and telling someone off who you know spreads lies will then morph into: "she's harrassing me! she and her husband came round and threatened us!!- I almost called the police. She even brought wine because she thinks I'm an alcoholic - its awful whats she's doing".

As others have said, when you engage the crazy you then become part of it and others cannot then separate fact from fiction and it blurs the lines between who is right and whom is lying. By staying completely out of it and carrying on as normal, people will witness that you arent engaging, are completely normal and rational and they will then come to the conclusion that this woman is like a raving village idiot that noone should take seriously.

People are so afraid of actually having to speak up and defend themselves so they just cower away. Or have to come and make a thread to almost allow themselves “permission” to defend themselves.

Not necessarily. It's known as 'powerful non-defensive communication' for a reason. As soon as you start down the track of defending yourself, you're engaging on the level they want. Not giving this nonsense airspace is a response in itself.

Why are so many people unable to just stand up for themselves? You don’t have to be rude or aggressive, but you can certainly assert yourself and make it clear you don’t tolerate bullshit.

You can't forcibly zip her mouth shut. In the event that she attempted to bully my child again, then only would I intervene. A solicitor can send a 'cease and desist' letter, sure. Beyond that, an unedifying public or doorstep confrontation might be very gratifying to those who like to think they take no crap, but if you can't ask yourself what you hope to gain from such an exercise and conclude this is the most effective way of getting it, then it's a waste of wind or hot air

It’s utterly bizarre how manygrown women can’t stand up for themselves.

As the old saying goes, there's more than one way to skin a cat. It's the end result, not the process that matters here, and the desired end result is that she toddles off and leaves OP alone.

The only way to win wish such excellent candidates for whackjobbery as this one is not to engage. You know what happens when you wrestle with a pig ...

Bad eyesight, small screen, + autocorrect. Some words are out of context but hope the above post makes general sense.