Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

[Highfivemum]

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

This sounds awful and I am sorry. I think the police need to have a word. The realiry is even if you had been to school with her this level of verbal abuse out of nowhere would constitute harassment so the mistaken identity and gossip is neither nor there. When you speak to them focus on the fact she has harassed your son and now you and you feel scared to leave the house. That's the definition of harassment.Hopefully if they speak to her soon it will de-escalate it before it gets worse. Do not try and tackle it yourself, she does not sound rational so she won't listen to anything you say. She's in a mad space so admitting she is totally wrong to you would cost her too much.

My sympathies re the village gossip stuff. I live in a village too and have also had to deal with nonsense. Ignoring it is the only way. People you like and trust won't believe it or spread it. But a lot of people spread gossip not because they are nasty but because villages are boring. Quite quickly the focus of this story will not be you but the crazy lady who moved in and started spreading made up stories, it's just the next few weeks which will be tough.

I agree with this.

I was on the receving end of a targeted campaign of abuse in our small village and it has been awful. I wished i had gone to the police or done a cease and desist letter at the time. I maintained a dignified silence and frankly wish i ahd not.

very best of luck.

She sounds crazy. I am pretty sure the others will see it soon with her behavior...

She’s sounds a bit unhinged; give her a wide berth; people will find out for themselves what type of drama queen she is in time; people must already know you & your family; anyone who is a true friend won’t listen to the silly woman; don’t hide away carryon as normal you’ve done nothing wrong; they do say we all have a doppelgänger though 🤔

People can be batshit for no reason, once on a night out while waiting for a taxi in the heart of a big city (I grew up in a little northern village not the big city) some random local girl insisted she went to school with me and I 'became a cheap junky prostitute' because she 'recognized my voice'.

She claimed she 'didn't recognize me at first until she heard my voice'. She just kept yelling that I sell myself for £5 and stuff. When I tried to explain I wasn't even from there just visiting her boyfriend got pretty rude too insisting she 'wouldn't lie', they both seemed drunk and the whole thing was crazy.

I can only guess maybe she just went to school with someone else who moved there and also had a northern accent and was confused about what an accent is.

Also an old friend fell out with me because she is convinced that I poured a drink on her in a nightclub. This is despite the fact I moved 3 weeks before that incident happened and everyone told her it couldn't be me because I literally wasn't there. 18 years later and she STILL insists it was me.

In both my cases I just ignore it (one I never saw them again and the other everyone in the village KNOWS it wasn't me and has tried to tell her) but in your case I would NOT change your behavior. If shes a crazy drama queen people will figure it out but you don't have to accommodate her. People will see her crazy behavior and it will reflect on her not you.

You poor thing.
I think she is quite mentally ill and I'd leave it in the hands of the Police now and keep far away from her.
You could also contact the school to alert them to the situation so the can ensure she doesn't try to contact your DC.

I have also similarly been the victim of mistaken identity. When my DD was at primary school a new mum started who I recognised from an activity that we attended as kids 20 odd years previously. Every time I said hello she ignored me, so I didn't get the opportunity to say how I knew her. Eventually over a year later we were alone while waiting to pick up our DDs from an activity. I asked her if she was 'Laura Smith' ( not real name obs), she said yes, so I asked if she remembered me, and she replied that she did, and I had made her life a misery. I was gobsmacked and asked how I had made her so miserable. She said I had been a real bully to her at school. I replied that I had not gone to her school, but she said I had ,as that's how I knew her. She said she didn't want to talk to me anymore, and to leave her alone. I was mortified, but just said that actually I knew her from a drama class we had attended. She still didn't believe me, and asked how I knew she went to this drama group. I suggested she ask me anything about the group eg teachers, venue, performances ,names of other kids who went there etc. Only when I answered all of her questions correctly did she finally admit that she had mistaken me for someone else. She gave me a hug to apologise. However I wondered if she had ever 'slagged me off' to other mums in the time she been thinking I was somebody else.

do keep a diary of these events, if you don’t have much time, even just a few lines or if you do and find it useful, more in depth to get it out of your system a little. Also helps to look back on when all of these events merge into one and seem less severe!

generally time will be on your side with this one, people will eventually see how unhinged she is so I’d be tempted to wait it out as any involvement could make it worse.

It’s very likely this woman has “Form” for this action, hence the move.

Oh you poor thing@Highfivemum, what an absolutely horrid situation to find yourself in. I think you've gotten really good advice and I'd keep detailed contempraneous notes of all that has occured. I think you'll probably have to go legal and get a cease and desist issued or else file for harassment if this continues. I would not avoid meeting friends, attending church or doing all the things you normally do as YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Don’t hide away.

small rural resident here too. I had an issue with someone just before covid who made a terrible allegation, part of which I’m supposed to have put it up on the community fb page and then removed it. I certainly didn’t however I lost some one I thought was a good friend over it.

the original woman has since done it to others and left the district.

I would make it plain you are the one to have suffered abuse from this idiot and that you did not go to the same school she believes you did. In the meanwhile I suspect your community police will follow up your online report. Please give them the details of her behaviour

Sorry to hear latest turn of events. This is horrific. I would follow it up with police, either phone or pop in and ask for it to be actioned.

It sounds really hard. I know you don't want to engage, but just a point for the future, just repeating "it isn't me" is not as believable as saying "I'm 4 years younger than you and spent my entire childhood in York" From her slightly crazy perspective you are just denying it with good cause, not because it isn't true.

I would wonder if this is her way to gather support and gain 'friends' in a new town.

But then, I am very cynical.

I would ask the vicar to set up a meeting, bring supporting documents of where you went to school.
Then confront her with the truth.
Tell everyone you know that in the village that you went to x school not y school as she is trying to make out. I would make a consistent effort to make sure people knew she was just a complete shit stirrer!

And yes, she may be suffering from some mental health issues but that doesn't give her the right to harm you.

I think it is a good idea to report it to the school too.

It will indicate to the police that you are very serious and feel your child could be a target.

The thing is to email the police station too with your concerns and create a paper trail.

She does sound unhinged but that doesn't mean she can't cause you grief.

The fact she involved your child would infuriate me.

The police at her door might calm her down.

It is possible that she has done this before.

I would ask is she known to the police.

Most people would involve the police in incidents like this and she may well have been reported previously.

Do you speak to any of the other mums at the school gate? Can you mention to any that this mum is mistaken in thinking she knows you and that it is upsetting because she thinks you are rude.
This mum is likely to have form in the village if she behaves like that with you - there will be others who have been in the receiving end too for one reason or another! She sounds unhinged, even if you hadn’t remembered her from school a normal person would accept that.

The problem is, you can't argue with stupid. Engaging with her in any way will just probably add fuel to her fire. Most people are not as quick to believe things as we often fear so give her a wide berth and let her get on to ut. If anyone mentions it I would just say how strange the situation is and how concerned you are for her and her children as she's clearly mentally unwell,and leave it at that.

Have told some mums at village school this morning. They had already heard as gossip spreads fast but they totally believed me.
mess thinking should I mention it to teacher ? Just in case she turned up at pick up time.
Yet again avoided taking dogs out this morning. DB took them.

Of course mention it to the teacher. I hope this is all resolved soon. Awful.

I would mention it to the teacher - she’s involved your child.

please go out with your brother with the dogs. I know it’s much easier for us to say, but hiding away won’t help.

What a truly horrible woman, she sounds completely bat-shit. I would assume that the police could warn her off about harassment.
I don't imagine that this is the first time that she has done something so unhinged.

Couldn’t read and not post having been victimised in a village setting. Agree with everyone that says you can’t engage with crazy. Agree with everyone about not bothering to be polite. This was my first instinct and it will do nothing to help. Keep records. I hope you go out with your brother and run into her because I want to know what she’ll do with him there! We moved, but not because of her, and are still in the same village just not next door. Really feeling for you. I’m sure we all wish we could come and walk those dogs with you right now!

I've only read OP posts.

This is affecting your day to day life and stopping you going about your buisness.
This woman certainly shouldn't be talking to your DC in that manner.

It's a bit drastic but do you have a local community/police officer that you can have a chat with that could pay her a visit.
It's almost as though this woman has singled you out and by gossiping to all it must feel like a form of harassment.

I’m not sure if you've ever lived in a village but in my experience people often believe drama without a shred of evidence, sadly some people treat others as their own live action soap opera. Critical thinking is not at the forefront of much gossip, especially village gossip

Yes, definitely tell the school. The fact that she's involving your child (and might involve her own children) means that they need to know.
I'd go to the head rather than the teacher though, and (initially at least) keep the conversation to your concerns about your child being affected in school.

Don't wait until pick up time either. Give the school a ring and see if you can have a five minute chat with her/him?