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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

495 replies

Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:12

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

OP posts:
FannyPhart · 17/04/2023 18:41

A neutral party needs to tell her that she's made a mistake.

Donnaslayer · 17/04/2023 18:43

If the police won't help you, I'd get some free legal advice. There are free cease and desist template letter online.

Sounds to me like you have been the subject of defamatory remarks, whether online or in person. Just FYI Slander is a verbal untrue statement against you, whereas libel is when it’s in written form. Both come under the umbrella term of defamation.

You have the right to protect your reputation. These kinds of remarks represent a hostile attack – and being on the receiving end can be very distressing. A third party may think they can hide behind “free speech” but free speech ends when it becomes defamatory. At its core, it’s a form of bullying designed to intimidate and adversely impact the intended individual.

Penny1979 · 17/04/2023 18:44

I agree with the people who say to ignore. As frustrating as this is the more you try to get your point across (unless directly asked) the more you will look guilty. This lady is clearly unhinged and I suspect those in your village are well aware of this fact. Go about your business and let others get to know who you actually are and they will judge for themselves not on some crazy rants of someone who probably is not well liked herself.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 17/04/2023 18:45

This is getting a little frightening for me.

I think I would ask a solicitor to write to her and her husband reiterating everything that has happened so far - the abuse in the street, whether it’s you, your children etc.

Then explaining clearly that if they don’t put up - shut up!!

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 18:47

OP,

I would be making it very clear to the police that you want to make a complaint, that you are terrified of her and her threats that you ruined her life.

You need to make it clear that you expect them to take it seriously.

Any attempt to brush you off, as to escalate to duty sergeant.

She was screaming at your child too.

Make a fuss.

So sorry for you.

Lachimolala · 17/04/2023 18:47

Call me cynical and suspicious but I suspect she maybe wasn’t even bullied at all, she sounds completely unwell. Do you think she’s one of those professional victim types that end up believing their own lies?

I was horrendously bullied at school and wouldn’t ever act like this, even if it’s all true and she genuinely has gotten you confused with someone else. It’s gone too far now, she has no right to bully you in this manner, and that is what she’s doing. She’s being a belligerent bully.

Kennykenkencat · 17/04/2023 18:48

Wonder if she has form for this and that is the reason they moved

I would persist with the police. Maybe actually going into the local police station to report the latest incident

She sounds completely unhinged.

FannyPhart · 17/04/2023 18:48

Of course the irony is that she won't even see that her supposed one upmanship on her wrongly perceived school bully has now made her the bully.

FindingNeverland28 · 17/04/2023 18:48

Do you have any old photos of you in your school uniform that you could photocopy and post to her house? Either that or you could give the village gossips something juicy to talk about and say something like ‘yes we did go to the same school. No, I didn’t bully her (or whatever she is implying). You can only think that she’s making those stories up as she knows you know about the scandal she was involved in and is trying to discredit you in case you tell anyone’. I’m half joking, but I’m also a bit twisted.

Penny1979 · 17/04/2023 18:48

Noone of rational mind would behave like that so I doubt any advice from a neutral party would get listened to or acted upon simply because the whole thing is irrational. Even if others aren't willing or openly state this is how that person is I would bet they are all aware.

wordler · 17/04/2023 18:50

My Mum had this once in her small town - a woman stopped her and said "Hi Carol how is your mother, I saw that you etc etc"

As soon as DM was able to get a word in she said "I'm really sorry but I'm not Carol"

This woman refused to believe her - just kept saying of course you are. In the end DM just walked off, baffled and stressed.

She saw her in passing several times after that and this woman just glared at her as if she was terrible for pretending not to be Carol.

The real Carol didn't look identical to DM - similar in hair and body shape but it was so weird.

Lachimolala · 17/04/2023 18:50

Also I would push the police to act on this, tell them how scared you are and give them a list of all your interactions. If she carries on ask them for help with a harassment order or non-molestation order etc. Then spread it round the church how you’ve had to go to the police because this terrifying unstable woman won’t leave you or your child alone.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/04/2023 18:51

Understandably you feel upset and defensive Op but please don't do anything to esculate the situation. If you or your DH turn up at her house it will just make her worse, she'll tell people you've been hounding her to make her stop telling them what you're really like. If she's truly delusional she may not even believe her DH if he tells her she's wrong, then it will be that you've turned her DH against her.
Keep a record of everything and keep the police updated, if she has done this before the police may know of her. If anyone asks just tell them she's got this wrong but you don't don't know her and you don't want to get involved

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 17/04/2023 19:03

I hope the police come back with something useful.

I agree in telling people (especially a known gossip/ key influencer) the truth and that you are scared now.

I hope it settles down quickly for you.

rubesmum · 17/04/2023 19:09

I think you have to look at her behaviour, running off crying etc, there is obviously something wrong there. Also it does not appear that she is able to be specific about what you are supposed to have done. I believe that this may be a case of mistaken identity in an emotionally unwell person. Keep doing what you are doing and look after your own family. I would speak to your partner just so that he is aware and can support you in this.

HorribleNecktie · 17/04/2023 19:10

It sounds like this woman might be mentally unwell. Unfortunately if that is the case then any attempt to make her listen to reason, and any proof that you aren’t who she thinks you are (school photos for example) will be written off as faked.

I’d let your friends in the village etc know that she is harassing you because she thinks you’re someone from her past. Letting the vicar know was a good idea. It probably won’t stop her from shouting abuse at you but people know you, she is the outsider and ultimately they’re more likely to believe you- especially if she’s screaming at you and your kids.

Keep a diary of any incidents and report any incidents to the police so they have it logged, but do not try to engage with her, it will just fuel the drama and obsession.

Prettydress · 17/04/2023 19:12

Whatever you do, do not show her any personal information about your childhood or past. If she is so convinced that you are someone else ( if they even exist) she might gather your real information and use it against you and it become part of her reality. At least at the moment she can only say who she thinks you are. Police and the law. Be careful how involved your vicar becomes, as although he means well he could make things worse if he does anything beyond shutting down rumours. You need professionals in your corner by the sounds of it. It sounds horrendous OP. I hope you get it sorted really quickly.

Fraaahnces · 17/04/2023 19:15

Interesting that she is using the excuse that she was bullied to bully someone else. It’s like a slightly less extreme version of “I was abused as a kid” to justify being a child abuser. This woman is nucking futs. Please try calling the police again. Also contact anyone you know and trust to keep their ears out at the pub/shop, etc for anything she is spreading so you can wallop her with that later. Why is her DH standing by and letting this happen? I bet this is why the soggy sap has moved her to a village in the first place. Probably needed a quiet life after the damage she had inflicted in their previous area. Ooooh. That might be worth investigating. Can DB go and find out where they lived before and do some sleuthing there?

silverspider05 · 17/04/2023 19:17

I am so sorry this is happening to you, it must be extremely stressful and upsetting for you :( I would definitely keep a record of every interaction and perhaps ask a solicitor for advice. A cease and desist letter from a solicitor explaining that you are not who she thinks you are and that you will take further legal action if required should the defamation continue may be an idea.

CrackerAndPudding · 17/04/2023 19:20

I dont understand how anyone could connect her tales of an old school bully with you? Surely if she's telling villagers "there goes Mary Logan, she's a horror" any of them would reply "that can't be her, that's Susie Jones".

So as much as she might spread tales, any person that knows you would immediately know its someone else and anyone who didn't know you wouldn't have enough details to connect her tale with any particular person, least of all you?

Tinklake44 · 17/04/2023 19:37

I wouldn’t give her any proof of your school/name etc she sounds so scary, definitely log with the police and make sure you tell anyone you can what she is doing, she is new so people will be more inclined to believe you, in so sorry you are going through this x

moomoomoo27 · 17/04/2023 19:38

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 18:19

Why do people delay calling the police? I think police is the right call. If this woman is a shit stirrer it will scare her off. If she has mental health issues, this will become known too.

Show quote history

Police aren't going to do anything. At best they'll log it under a crime number but I doubt they would even do that because no crime has actually happened. I had a stalker and they did nothing. I knew his name, address, all the details they needed but they wouldn't do anything without video proof, which of course I didn't have.

If only you could find your doppelganger (if she even exists!) and parade around the village with her to confuse her 😂

NumericalBlock · 17/04/2023 19:41

Nevermind31 · 17/04/2023 16:45

Go to church, and tell the biggest gossip that you don’t know what to do, this woman has me confused with someone else and thinks we went to school together, when she is older and from somewhere different and you’ve never met her. And she keeps getting upset about it.

then just go about your life in a normal way

Do this and include that she screamed at you and you're now worried about leaving the house. They'll get the word out!

Fraaahnces · 17/04/2023 19:42

I think you should head out somewhere very public with your DB and hopefully she will go off like a frog in a sock. You can look at your DB (quite frightened) and say “That’s her!” Then say “Right! That’s enough of this! Is that what you moved here, then - did you create trouble like this before, or are you genuinely unwell? Either way, you have abused my son and you have repeatedly abused me for no reason at all. I have already logged it with the police and I’m going to continue to contact them every time you behave like this. I will press harrassment charges to protect my family if I need to. Do you understand?”
(Dont even bother trying to engage in the drama about the person who bullied her. Could be bullshit and it will be used to suck you back in. If she tries, cut it off. Put your hand up and say “I’m not going to discuss this further. I am exactly who I said I am. My identity has been legally proven to those who need to know.)?

Giletjaune · 17/04/2023 20:02

She sounds a bit crazy and that’s what will come across to people she’s meeting for the first time to complain about you. People will be avoiding her and not you.

I would hazard a guess she has moved quite a bit through having got into spats with her neighbours/randoms.

Give it 18 months and she’ll and her family will have moved away.