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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

495 replies

Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:12

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

OP posts:
CocktailsAndSunshine · 17/04/2023 16:57

I'd be telling everyone I know what just happened, let it go round the village asap and she'll look like the aggressive nutter she is.

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/04/2023 17:03

CocktailsAndSunshine · 17/04/2023 16:57

I'd be telling everyone I know what just happened, let it go round the village asap and she'll look like the aggressive nutter she is.

I think OP needs to let people know this woman started screaming abuse at her.

Make it clear she does not know this woman. That this woman has made some crazy claims, despite them not being the same age/ and growing up in different places. Tell them she was rude and unpleasant to your child too.

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/04/2023 17:09

OP if you are close to anyone else in the village, let them know you had to call 101 because she started screaming abuse at you. And you do not know this woman!

UpsyDaisy352 · 17/04/2023 17:09

Ah my heart breaks for you, it really does! I’d only suggest trying not to let her scare you from going outside. For whatever reason, she’s chosen you as her victim, but you are infinitely stronger than anything she throws at you.

I’m glad your vicar seems to be supporting you and is aware of the issue, and while I think you shouldn’t engage with her at all, you should be vocal about your situation. People will be able to see your distress about this, and the truth always prevails.

This is an absolute horrible situation, and even if this lady has mental problems, that’s no excuse for verbally abusing someone in the street and spreading rumors.

sonjadog · 17/04/2023 17:12

She is obviously not well mentally. I would say that you are not the only one that will be experience such treatment. But I would talk to your friends in the village about it openly. She isn't keeping it quiet, so why should you?

H007 · 17/04/2023 17:57

You’ve got to have it out with her. Take a school photo showing that you went to a different school and aren’t the person she is thinking of.

LaDamaDeElche · 17/04/2023 17:59

Definitely a good idea to keep a diary of events. Record and future madness, if you can. You have to put a stop to this before it gets really out of hand.

saraclara · 17/04/2023 18:03

Please don't use Facebook, OP. It really isn't the way to go. It's a scattergun approach that will just wind things up, and some people will feel sorry for her. It could make you look bad.

For now I'd leave it with the police and the vicar. If your DH sees her DH, I think he should absolutely be at liberty to ask him what's going on, and to clarify that he's known you since you were four, and you are absolutely not this person that she thinks you are.

And of course you are at liberty to (and should) tell others what's happening and how upset and confused you are. But do that face to face, not via social media.

Kentucky83 · 17/04/2023 18:03

Have you tried asking her what she thinks your name is? Might be easier to prove you aren't who she thinks you are and would make it easier to explain to others if you could say 'She thinks I'm a woman called 'x' that she went to school with'.

UpsyDaisy352 · 17/04/2023 18:07

I know a lot of people are suggesting showing her photos of you in school and proof of your identity to prove it’s a case of mistaken identity. However, if you’re going to do this, be careful!

Theres a very real possibility that this lady will refuse the truth no matter what. Be it delusion or the refusal to admit wrong because of narcissism/embarrassment/whatever, confirmation bias can be a huge thing. You could do a DNA test and someone could say you faked it.

If she’s so insistent on being right that she’s harassing you in the street and yelling at a little boy in front of other people, she’s likely not mentally sound

Buddug · 17/04/2023 18:10

Why don’t you tell her which schools you went to and what years?

Evan456 · 17/04/2023 18:16

give her enough rope and she’ll hang herself! She’ll show her true colours and then everyone will know what she’s like

pollymere · 17/04/2023 18:18

I was once stopped on Oxford Street by someone who was convinced I was Reese Witherspoon. When I denied it, this just made her more convinced I must be. In the end, I just said I was really busy and had to get on. These days, I'd probably just do the selfie to get rid of them. 😂 I suspect your name change during childhood has meant you look guilty or lying when talking about childhood so they suspect you're denying it on purpose. Maybe invite her over and just have your class photos from school on display...or talk about how you and your DH met.

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2023 18:18

She will not listen to anything you tell her. Evidence or no evidence, and no matter how many denials you offer. Her behaviour has already made that clear.

By all means tell other villagers she's harassing you. And start the paper trail and report it through the official channels.

This woman is clearly not well. The first rule of psychiatry is: don't argue about delusions with the delusional. Confronting her directly or indirectly is terrible advice.

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 18:19

Softoprider · 17/04/2023 09:24

I don't know what to think about this.. trying to put myself in your shoes OP. I think going to the police would be a last resort. Perhaps your husband could have a word and nip this in the bud because clearly it is not working with her and you.
She does sound a bit nutty

Why do people delay calling the police? I think police is the right call. If this woman is a shit stirrer it will scare her off. If she has mental health issues, this will become known too.

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2023 18:19

UpsyDaisy352 · 17/04/2023 18:07

I know a lot of people are suggesting showing her photos of you in school and proof of your identity to prove it’s a case of mistaken identity. However, if you’re going to do this, be careful!

Theres a very real possibility that this lady will refuse the truth no matter what. Be it delusion or the refusal to admit wrong because of narcissism/embarrassment/whatever, confirmation bias can be a huge thing. You could do a DNA test and someone could say you faked it.

If she’s so insistent on being right that she’s harassing you in the street and yelling at a little boy in front of other people, she’s likely not mentally sound

Every word of the above.

You can't reason with irrationality. Don't try.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/04/2023 18:20

Do not approach her, do not speak to her if you see her, if she approaches you, walk away.

ANY interaction with her without an independent witness will simply serve as fuel for her delusion. She will recount it to others as you attacking her, you doing whatever insert awful crime here and will not resolve the issue, no matter how calm or patient you are.

Do keep a log of anything that happens and of course do be open if anyone asks 'No idea why this lady thinks I am someone she knew from school, I am as baffled as anyone, it is impossible!'

It does sound as if shes nuts, and if she IS, then there is no reasoning with her whatsoever.

dick27 · 17/04/2023 18:22

Make notes on everything. Avoid her. Keep your phone on you in case you need to hit record.
And seriously, FFS at anyone who suggested going round with wine.

Unsure33 · 17/04/2023 18:29

If she has shaken you up that much I would get your DB or husband to drop a note through her door ( take a copy) . Do not feel you have to provide proof.

explain once and for all she is incorrect , you have never met before . And if she shouts at you again or spreads rumours you will be reporting her for harrasment . Better still pass the note to her husband .

BuntyFayreweather · 17/04/2023 18:30

I would avoid her but make sure others know she has been harassing you.
We have been subject to a campaign of abuse for over two years. Lies told in our small town re our family finances and that we have illegal money. All nonsense but the bi product of a person who has told others after we had him cautioned. He basically trashed our family name.
Sadly his mate (a local estate agent) refuses to acknowledge he has done anything wrong. Total bastard. We're moving shortly after generations of my family living here.
Nip it in the bud.

skyeisthelimit · 17/04/2023 18:31

I would write to her husband with the basic details of your identity, age, former name, schools etc and state that you are not who she thinks you are and that you will be involving the police and taking legal action if she continues to abuse you and spread malicious rumours. Just be factual.

I say write to the husband, because then he will be aware of it and she won't be able to hide your contact from him.

Do keep a record of all contact and start with the beginning. If the police treat it seriously as harassment (I think it has to be at least 2 incidents) then they may go round and have a word with her and put her straight.

If I were you I would also talk to as many friends as you can and advise them what this woman is doing and ask them to shut her down each and every time she mentions you.

I have had a group of women spread malicious rumours about me, ganging up on me, being aggressive to my face and it is not nice. I avoid those people now, and put anyone straight who repeats the lies.

If she wants to continue to live in your village and get on with everyone, she needs to apologise to you for getting it wrong and put everything straight with anyone that she has spread garbage to.

FannyPhart · 17/04/2023 18:33

No advice, just shocked this has escalated so much. I honestly thought she'd realise her mistake but she sounds totally convinced. Either that or as you say, unhinged.

Mañanarama · 17/04/2023 18:33

Have you even got the same first name as the person she thinks you are? Has she told you their full name? I’d be tempted to find a picture of that person and show it to her, or to the vicar / police / her husband.

Beachdaysandsandypaws · 17/04/2023 18:34

She is unhinged OP. Don't use any form of social media. Hopefully the vicar and police will be able to h
I had the same when I moved to a tiny village I live in. We have been here for 15 years. We moved from London but I was unfortunately to meet a difficult woman at the school gate. (Another thread)
I think at the time I was a easy target as I am very east going but she was demanding. I distance myself as I was busy with my younger DC's who were babies but she turned cruel and nasty. Lots of rumours, gossip, spiteful talk, comments on social media. It was dreadful and I developed anxiety through it all.
I stood my ground, ignored it all, didn't retaliate. I was ignored by people but I just carried on being a busy mum.
6 months later she started on someone else and repeated the same as she did with me. She was bat-sh*t like the woman you have to deal with.
People were seeing what she was like and I am so glad I ignored her. The only thing that changed me, is me trusting people which is a shame.
I hope things get sorted out but please don't engage in this woman. She Will probably move on to someone else soon.

IamnotSethRogan · 17/04/2023 18:37

I think I'd go round there and give her hell, then get on the local Facebook group and write a short, VERY clear post explaining that you are not the person this woman has got you confused with, that you are finding this deeply upsetting and want everyone to know. Add that you don't want any more bother and are happy to draw a line under it, especially if this woman has mental health issues.

Don't do any of that

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