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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it.

495 replies

Highfivemum · 16/04/2023 14:12

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into the next road up. For some reason the wife thought she knew me from school. She didn’t. We haven’t spoken since as she seemed to not believe me. We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older. Whilst attending the Easter parade in the centre my DC (11) said he had been shouted at by this lady for looking at her. She said to him your just like your mum. She quite obviously thinks I am someone else and someone else who she disliked for whatever reason. I went over to her and said why had she shouted at my DS and if she had any problems then she should speak to me. I didn’t shout I was very calm but She ran off in tears. Which was seen by others. Since then I had been told by three people that she has told them she cannot join some village groups and go to things as I go to them and I am nasty and always have been since school. She is quite clearly having some issues and I have chosen to step back and not be in any contact but I am finding that some of the locals are looking at me and I am paranoid they believe her. I have no idea who she is. My DH said he could speak to her DH about it all. I have said leave it. I really don’t know how to handle this. Do I try again to talk to her and run the risk of her screaming at me and making it worse.

OP posts:
MathsNervous · 17/04/2023 13:50

Draw a line under it and move on.

Somersetgirl1 · 17/04/2023 13:51

Hi OP, sorry to hear your latest update. I think I would not pursue any attempt (eg through DH) to discuss matters with them - this could be twisted to you sending round DH to threaten etc. I would, once the vicar and DB have gone try ringing 101 again. It takes an age for them to get back to an email, Yes, it does take an age to get through - put the phone on speak and get on with something else while you wait. I would also keep a careful log of everything this person says/does with times and dates - it is easy to get dates wrong or miss something out, particularly if anything else happens. As others have mentioned cease and desist letters can be useful, but you will need to give clear outcomes as to what will happen if she doesn't so think carefully about this. For example if you threaten defamation, this can very expensive, so if you don't follow through it will be a hollow threat. Good luck with the vicar, but I do think it has escalated very quickly into something a 'friendly word' may not help - she will simply think that you have 'tricked the vicar' or whatever. Please don't avoid the local shop - people will think there is some credence to you avoiding her, and remember, she is at work - if she starts screaming like a banshee, there will be repercussions - so she can't do too much in there. Do let us know how you get on - it is an awful and best of luck

oakleaffy · 17/04/2023 15:09

@Highfivemum
I am so sorry to hear of your update.

I had to involve police after an attack and threats by a younger member of my “Mistaken Identity” person’s family.

The police were very good.

I would think the woman who moved to your village has a history of this kind of stuff.

I googled the name of my harasser and she is causing trouble for others (Local press) now.

You are entirely innocent, and it’s really creepy and frightening to be targeted by someone with mental health issues in this way.

There is no reasoning with them.
Police.
I hope they help you as they did me 👍

Itakecreaminmycoffee · 17/04/2023 15:33

At this point I would report to police too - it’s harassment and she shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. Hopefully they’ll have a word.

Also maybe start recording her on your phone if she approaches you again.

LemonSwan · 17/04/2023 15:42

I am not saying it’s not a mistaken case of identity but the more I think about this; the more weird it is she could pick your ds out of a parade line up without you in sight. Are you sure you don’t know this woman!?

I would be finding out who she is and checking for mutual friends on Facebook. The fact she can do that appears she might actually know more about you than her and the school thing is not correct but that something else occurred like you dating her first love at university or something* and she has stalked you in Facebook at some point unbeknownst to you.

*Plucked that out of some obscure far reach

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2023 15:45

Highfivemum · 17/04/2023 09:47

Do you think I can call 101 ? Do you think the police would do anything ?

A cease and desist letter from a solicitor.

Document every encounter with dates and times.

Do not interact with her on any level. Don't rise, don't respond, don't give her what she is looking for.

If there's a further recurrence after the 'cease and desist', that is the time to get this logged with the police so that there's a paper trail.

There's a lot of comprehensive, detailed advice online as to what to do if you're targeted by a stalker. This woman needs treating in the same way.

Frankly, even if you had been her school bully her behaviour is still off-the-scale OTT and unhealthy. She sounds unwell.

Keep your key objective in mind here, which is to do whatever it takes to keep her at a distance.

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2023 15:46

Are you sure you don’t know this woman!?

Makes no odds. She's out of line whether OP knows her or not.

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2023 15:50

PS. I've been stalked twice. The first time was to the extent that I feared my life was at risk. I'm so sorry for anyone who goes through this type of thing, for whatever reason.

They want to make their presence felt in the most intrusive ways possible. All that happens if you engage is that they escalate. It's really important that you do not interact.

Give them nothing, no matter how hard that is, and let the authorities deal with this.

mybeautifuloak · 17/04/2023 15:58

This is worth reporting to the police. She is either unhinged or deluded but she is now behaving in a frightening manner. A visit from a police officer whilst her DH is home might help. As you can prove you are not the person she thinks you are by virtue of age and school/location, the police should be able to shit her down

mybeautifuloak · 17/04/2023 15:59

Shut. Shut ffs. Not shit

bunnibee · 17/04/2023 16:02

does she actually address you by the wrong name?, as, you are Jane Smith from school,

and your name is completely different?

LemonSwan · 17/04/2023 16:07

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2023 15:46

Are you sure you don’t know this woman!?

Makes no odds. She's out of line whether OP knows her or not.

Oh yes absolutely but I would be doing some investigating! The more OP knows the better. Part of the reason so is so unsettling is because OP hasn’t a clue what’s going on and it’s all out of the blue. Which it may well be, but I would be triple checking that’s the case. Just to make sure there’s not something I don’t know.

StockPop · 17/04/2023 16:10

I haven't read the thread so apologies if someone already said this. Fairy liquid and cold water does wonders. Scrub well as quickly as possible, then wash as usual in the machine.

Mummapenguin20 · 17/04/2023 16:12

This sounds awful hope you can get it sorted

QueenSmartypants · 17/04/2023 16:13

StockPop · 17/04/2023 16:10

I haven't read the thread so apologies if someone already said this. Fairy liquid and cold water does wonders. Scrub well as quickly as possible, then wash as usual in the machine.

Did you even read the opening post?

InFiveMins · 17/04/2023 16:32

Hopefully the vicar or police will have a word with her and she'll stop. Sounds scary.

EddyF · 17/04/2023 16:36

If it’s such a small village, can you put it in your local paper? Give a story of where you went to school and now you live in a village and what you’ve been up to?

I would also speak to everyone I know in the village (basically get in there first).

Report her to the police and if you see her again, be mean to her; she thinks you’re soft touch.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 17/04/2023 16:37

Thanks for all advice, vicar came over and although he could not say much he did say he had heard of rumours being spread that were very unkind. Vicar obviously has his hands tied to what he can do but he reassured me if he hears anything directly he will instantly shut it down and be highlighting this to his parishioners. He is also said I must keep a diary of events. He has made a note in his diary too. I know the vicar well and do feel I have his support. My DB is still with me and has walked my dogs this afternoon. I hate feeling like i don’t want to go out.

OP posts:
CherryCokeFanatic · 17/04/2023 16:38

Are you sure school didn’t change name at some point and you did in fact go to same school as her?

saraclara · 17/04/2023 16:39

CherryCokeFanatic · 17/04/2023 16:38

Are you sure school didn’t change name at some point and you did in fact go to same school as her?

From the OP:

We have never lived in same area before and she is a few years older.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 17/04/2023 16:40

CherryCokeFanatic · 17/04/2023 16:38

Are you sure school didn’t change name at some point and you did in fact go to same school as her?

No. We have never lived anywhere near each other. I was bullied awful at school and had to move to another school due to one person so I know what bullying is like. She either has me mixed up or to be honest i think she is unhinged.

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 17/04/2023 16:45

Go to church, and tell the biggest gossip that you don’t know what to do, this woman has me confused with someone else and thinks we went to school together, when she is older and from somewhere different and you’ve never met her. And she keeps getting upset about it.

then just go about your life in a normal way

lollh · 17/04/2023 16:46

I think I'd go round there and give her hell, then get on the local Facebook group and write a short, VERY clear post explaining that you are not the person this woman has got you confused with, that you are finding this deeply upsetting and want everyone to know. Add that you don't want any more bother and are happy to draw a line under it, especially if this woman has mental health issues.

ThreeRingCircus · 17/04/2023 16:50

She does sound unwell. This isn't the behaviour of a sane person....even if you were the person she thinks you are it would be totally unreasonable. For that reason you need it logging with the police and I'm glad you've spoken to the vicar. As she's now upped the ante I'd be loudly telling everyone you know that you're very concerned about her as you've repeatedly told her she's mistaken you for someone else and she's still harassing you and your family. I'd be saying to neighbours that she's clearly unwell and very vulnerable and that you don't know what you should do. That will spread like wildfire if your village is as gossipy as my old village was.

mybeautifuloak · 17/04/2023 16:54

I never suggest this sort of thing but as the vicarage has admitted there are rumours going around I would consider posting on your local Facebook group stating that a new member of the community is behaving in a very sinister manner and spreading rumours about you based on her assertion that you know each other from school. As you are much younger and grew up in a completely different area, you have to assume this person is either belligerently mistaken or in some way mentally unstable. As they have already behaved in a threatening and sociopathic manner towards you and are now spreading malicious lies you have been left no alternative than to address this publicly